The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #5 Terry Mulholland

5. Terry Mulholland
Terry Mulholland was one of the great journeymen of his generation. He played for 11 different teams and only stayed with one for more than three years. He originally signed with the Cubs before the 1997 season where he was a solid rotation member with an ERA just over 4.00, but his win-loss record left something to be desired at 6-12. Still, the Cubs sent him to the Giants in August to finish out the season.

But they resigned him for 1998, and boy am I happy they did.

Although he started one game in April and one in May, he was primarily used as a reliever. Not that he was bad as a starter, as he gave up a total of one run in those two starts combined. When the Cubs brought in Terry Mulholland, my only thought was, "Fuck yeah, Mulholland is in, Cubs are definitely shutting this team down." Anytime a different reliever was brought in a close game instead of Mulholland, I lamented about why Mulholland wasn't coming in. Looking back, it was clear how pitching starved I was as a Cubs fan post-Maddux, but Mulholland was legitimately good that year.

But not only was he good, he was also incredibly clutch down the stretch. The Cubs pitching was an absolute mess by the end of the season. The bullpen had been awful since the middle of May, and the rotation was so weak that Mike Morgan and Don Wengert were consistently getting starts. Finally, the Cubs had seen enough and put Mulholland in the rotation. They gave him one start at the beginning of September and he didn't give up a run. Finally, on September 16, he was officially in the rotation.

In those three starts, he gave up two runs in seven innings, one run in eight innings, and three runs in eight innings. I'm not saying that Terry Mulholland would have definitely won the Cy young Award had he been in the rotation the entire year but considering in six starts, he had a 1.82 ERA, we can't rule it out.

Weirldy, I want to take a look at his worst start of the year, the time he gave up three runs on the final day of the regular season and got a no decision. This was a game against the Houston Astros and if the Cubs won, they could have punched their ticket to the playoffs. Mulholland wasn't great this day, as the Astros were consistently getting hits, and he walked three batters. Still, he was finding a way. Through seven innings, he had given up just one run despite letting nine guys reach base. After throwing 100 pitches, he didn't have much left, but he came out for the eighth, because the Cubs simply didn't have a trusted option outside of Rod Beck in the bullpen. The Astros would string together three hits to score two runs and tie the game which would force the Cubs into a winner-take-all game 163 the following night. But Terry Mulholland was born to take that beating and just keep coming back for more. In fact, he would pitch in relief the next night for game 163. The Cubs didn't have a better option.

Overall, he pitched 112 innings, mostly in relief and accumulated a 2.89 ERA. His ERA was 4.10 in the middle of June, but when everything went wrong for the Cubs pitching, he stepped up his game to drop it by more of a run. It probably could have been about a half run lower than even that final tally. Oh yeah, he even hit well with a line of .294/.368/.412 although with limited starts during the year, it was in just 20 plate appearances.

But Terry Mulholland was not going to be a guy to give you tons of highlights throughout the year. The guy just did his job and did it well. In a season where the pitching still makes me depressed 20 years later, he brought reliability. No historian is going to look back on Cubs history and make note of Terry Mulholland's 1998; there was a phenom striking out 20 guys in a game, and a hitter who made baseball fun again, but as someone who lived through that season, Terry Mulholland was incredible and deserves to be remembered fondly by all Cubs fans. He is now part owner of the Dirty Dogg Saloon, and you can bet your ass that if I find myself in Scottsdale, Arizona, I am going to stop by, grab a Natural Light, and pay homage to the legend that is Terry Mulholland.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery
#35 - Don Wengert
#34 - Kurt Miller
#33 - Jason Maxwell
#32 - Kevin Foster
#31 - Mike Morgan
#30 - Felix Heredia 
#29 - Jeff Blauser
#28 - Jason Hardtke
#27 - Dave Stevens
#26 - Manny Alexander
#25 - Marc Pisciotta
#24 - Kevin Orie
#23 - Sandy Martinez
#22 - Terry Adams
#21 - Matt Mieske
#20 - Amaury Telemaco
#19 - Tyler Houston
#18 - Geremi Gonzalez
#17 - Orlando Merced
#16 - Scott Servais
#15 - Mark Clark
#14 - Lance Johnson
#13 - Brant Brown
#12 - Jose Hernandez
#11 - Steve Trachsel
#10 - Henry Rodriguez
#9 - Kevin Tapani
#8 - Mickey Morandini
#7 - Gary Gaetti
#6 - Rod Beck

The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #6 Rod Beck

6. Rod Beck
I would say Rod Beck is the most universally loved player on this list. I mean, who didn't think Rod Beck was one of the coolest players in baseball? Even when he was with the San Francisco Giants, it was always cool to see this biker-looking dude just throwing heat and overwhelming anyone who stood across from him in a batter's box. That's why I was incredibly excited when the Cubs signed Beck before the 1998 season as he was not only super cool, but the Cubs were desperate for a reliable closer.

Now Rod Beck had an incredible 1998 season, but nothing is more incredible than doing research and finding out Rod Beck's age during that 1998 season. I know there is a picture at the top of the page, but let's give another one and you guess this man's age:

If you're being kind, you're guessing he's 35 years old as a grizzled closer. If you're being honest, you're guessing 48 and wondering how he got such an authentic looking Cubs jersey for his beer league softball game. This man was somehow only 29 years old in 1998. Good lord, this man did some living. I'm not sure how it's possible, but I love it will all of my heart.

I know I have lamented how bad the Cubs bullpen was in 1998, but this excerpt from August 29 of that year really puts things in perspective.

Pen pals: The Cubs have turned over their entire bullpen from Opening Day, with the exception of Rod Beck. They started out with Beck, Terry Adams, Marc Pisciotta, Amaury Telemaco, Ben VanRyn and Bob Patterson. Adams and Pisciotta are now in Class A Iowa, VanRyn was traded to San Diego for Don Wengert and is now playing at Class A Syracuse, Telemaco was waived and is now a starter with Arizona and Patterson was released and is out of baseball.

Rod Beck was incredibly important to this Cubs team as he was the only one who survived the entire season with the team.

Instead of focusing on Rod Beck's triumphs, I decided to see if my memory served me correctly. And the only thing that I can remember that year is that Rod Beck lived that entire season on the edge. If this man came in with a 10 run lead, he would let nine runs score, load the bases with one out, before inducing a double play to close out the game. Most people would generally assume that their closer giving up runs is a bad thing, but not for Rod Beck. The Cubs record in games that Beck gave up runs was an incredible 16-7* (I added the asterisk as it should have been 17-6, but the Brant Brown game turned a win into a loss). And two of those losses were in games where the Cubs had him go more than one inning. He would put the fans as close to a heart attack as possible, and then just up and decide to end the game, Rod Beck pitched to the score, and no one can convince me otherwise.

Because of that, he was super effective. He finished with a 3.02 ERA with a career-best 51 saves. He also led the league in games played for pitchers as the Cubs used him every chance they could, accumulating 80.1 innings pitched.

Unfortunately, the game that I most remember him for is the game he didn't play in. Game 2 of the NLDS against the Braves, the Cubs held a 1-0 lead going into the bottom of the ninth. Instead of bringing in their trusted closer, they kept Kevin Tapani to finish what he started, and he let Javy Lopez tie the game with one swing of the bat. Beck wouldn't even come in extra innings, and the bullpen lost the game for the team in the tenth.

7.80 ERA for the Cubs the following season before being traded to the Boston Red Sox and putting up a 1.93 ERA down the stretch and following up with two more years of quality work before washing out of baseball.

In 2003, he found himself again with the Cubs but this time it was the Iowa Cubs as he was living in an RV right outside the stadium. He would hang out after the games, not only talking with fans but offering them beers as well. Despite putting up a 0.59 ERA for Iowa, the team in Chicago couldn't find room for him so they allowed him to go to the Padres where he had a 1.78 ERA. But the magic finally wore off in 2004 when he had a 6.38 ERA and decided that would be the end of the road for him in baseball.

Sadly, Rod Beck passed away in 2007 at the age of 38. Cocaine and heroin were found in his home but an official reason for death was never released. Rod Beck may have lived a fast life, but he was also generous to friends and helped get toys for needy children. There wasn't anyone who said a bad thing about him, and that's a legacy to be proud of.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery
#35 - Don Wengert
#34 - Kurt Miller
#33 - Jason Maxwell
#32 - Kevin Foster
#31 - Mike Morgan
#30 - Felix Heredia 
#29 - Jeff Blauser
#28 - Jason Hardtke
#27 - Dave Stevens
#26 - Manny Alexander
#25 - Marc Pisciotta
#24 - Kevin Orie
#23 - Sandy Martinez
#22 - Terry Adams
#21 - Matt Mieske
#20 - Amaury Telemaco
#19 - Tyler Houston
#18 - Geremi Gonzalez
#17 - Orlando Merced
#16 - Scott Servais
#15 - Mark Clark
#14 - Lance Johnson
#13 - Brant Brown
#12 - Jose Hernandez
#11 - Steve Trachsel
#10 - Henry Rodriguez
#9 - Kevin Tapani
#8 - Mickey Morandini
#7 - Gary Gaetti

The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #13 Brant Brown

13. Brant Brown
Brant Brown was selected by the Cubs in the third round of the 1992 MLB draft. After tearing it up for a couple years, Brown was the Cubs second best prospect in 1994, just behind Brooks Kieschnick. He followed it up with two disappointing years before crushing it in Iowa and making his major league debut in June of 1996. He was great in limited time in 1996 but still spent the majority of 1997 in Iowa while not making much of an impact when he was in the big leagues. If he could spend the majority of year in the major leagues in 1998, it would be a huge victory for Brown.

He did MUCH more than that.

At the beginning of the year, it looked as though he would just spend time as a fourth or fifth outfielder, getting the occasional start when guys needed a rest. But one man's misfortune was Brown's lucky day as Lance Johnson suffered an injury early on that would cost him nearly half the season, and Brown was there to fill in as the starting center fielder.

And he filled his role well. He hit incredibly well. At the end of April, he was hitting .357/.419/.607. Although he didn't quite keep up that pace, he was still hitting incredibly well. On June 12, he hit three home runs against the Philadelphia Phillies with Mark Portugal getting abused for two of those home runs. Even an injury that cost him most of July didn't stop him as he came back and continued to hit well.

In August Lance Johnson retook his job as the starting center fielder and Glenallen Hill had joined the team and hurting baseballs like no other so Brown found it more difficult to find consistent starts, even going a ten day stretch in August between starts. But even playing sparingly down the stretch, he still ended the year with a .291/.348/.501 line in 124 games that season.

Now it was a little odd that Brown would be able to spend the majority of his time in center field since most of his time in the minor leagues was at first base. The Cubs had Mark Grace at first, so they turned Brown into an outfielder, even using him as a defensive replacement in left when he wasn't patrolling center field. They did this despite him not actually being a good fielder in the outfield.

Now, even I can admit that Glenallen Hill and Henry Rodriguez are not your ideal defensive players, but Brant Brown committed seven errors which is an incredibly high number for an outfielder, especially since he wasn't even a full-time starter. Oh well, it's not like any of those errors will be costly.

And that brings us to September 23rd. Both the Cubs and Mets were tied at 88-70 for the wildcard spot, while the Giants were in third at 85-72. Although the Giants would win that day, the Mets lost to the Astros, and the Cubs had a chance to take a lead over the Mets and effectively bury the Giants by winning. Everything started out great as the Cubs used a bunch of walks and a balk to put up two runs in the second, added another in the third, and the Cubs used Sammy Sosa's 65th and 66th home runs in the fifth and sixth inning to take a 7-0 lead. Today was a good day to be a Cubs fan.

But then the Brewers mounted their comeback. It started when the Brewers got hit after hit to put up four runs before the Cubs took out Steve Trachsel and put in Matt Karchner to end the rally. In the eighth, the Brewers finally got to Karchner with a walk, hit-by-pitch, and single which cut the lead to 7-5 going into the ninth. No big deal, the Cubs had Rod Beck to come in and close this game down for the team.

Now Rod Beck was a heart attack for Cubs fans throughout the entire season. He made every game exciting, and this one was no different. Although he got the first out, he then gave up a single and a double before walking Jeromy Burnitz to load the bases. But in classic Rod Beck form, he got Marquis Grissom to pop out to third for the second out. All that was left was Geoff Jenkins. Luckily, Beck induced a fly ball to left field to end the...

Aw, fudge.

I talked earlier about how Orlando Merced's game-winning home run was my favorite game of the season. Well, the Brant Brown game may have been my least favorite game of the season. I remember watching the end of it in my kitchen and just being dumbstruck at what happened. The Cubs did find a way to bounce back and ended up making the playoffs, but they lost all faith in Brant Brown who saw his reduced role turn into a nearly nonexistent one as he had just a single pinch hit at bat in the playoffs.

And even though that is by far my most vivid memory of Brown, I still remember him fondly. He came out of nowhere and hit the ball really well. And let's face it, no child gives a shit about defensive performance; it's all about the hitting, baby. Brant Brown did that part really well in 1998, and he even provided value to the Cubs for future seasons.

After the 1998 season concluded, the Cubs flipped Brown to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Jon Lieber who would provide four very good years of pitching, including a fourth place finish for the Cy Young Award in 2001. Meanwhile, Brown would spend one year with the Pirates before being traded to the Marlins who traded him halfway through the season back to the Cubs, but 2000 would be his last season in the major leagues. He is still in baseball today as he went on to coach in the minor leagues and is currently on the Los Angeles Dodgers staff.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery
#35 - Don Wengert
#34 - Kurt Miller
#33 - Jason Maxwell
#32 - Kevin Foster
#31 - Mike Morgan
#30 - Felix Heredia 
#29 - Jeff Blauser
#28 - Jason Hardtke
#27 - Dave Stevens
#26 - Manny Alexander
#25 - Marc Pisciotta
#24 - Kevin Orie
#23 - Sandy Martinez
#22 - Terry Adams
#21 - Matt Mieske
#20 - Amaury Telemaco
#19 - Tyler Houston
#18 - Geremi Gonzalez
#17 - Orlando Merced
#16 - Scott Servais
#15 - Mark Clark
#14 - Lance Johnson

I Miss The Steroid Era - Everything Great About 1998

There is a lot of vitriol aimed towards the late 90s and early 00s baseball years. It is referred to as the Steroid Era, and sports writers (the most honest and honorable people in the world, if you didn't know) just can't believe that players would use drugs that enhance their performance. There was no testing for things like that, so it wasn't really against the rules, but they like, shouldn't have done it, because it's bad. Anyway, I could go into an hour long diatribe about steroids, but instead, I just want to state that I love the Steroid Era. That baseball was awesome. No year better exemplifies the awesomeness of the era than 1998. I will always remember that year fondly, but it truly is amazing all of the awesome things that happened in 98.

The Sosa-McGwire home run chase was undoubtedly the most exciting thing that has happened in baseball during my lifetime. Everybody loved baseball at the time due to those two players. Sure there was steroid use, but the baseballs in play likely had way more to do with the home runs than any PEDs. The whole nation was following two guys playing in the Midwest, because it was that totally awesome.And it's not like we didn't know about steroids. I remember making fun of Cardinals fans for McGwire using androstenedione. It was right there in his locker, but nobody gave a shit and life was grand. 

But that's not all that was great about 1998. There were all of these awesome things as well.

It wasn't just McGwire and Sosa. Ken Griffey Jr. hit 56 home runs. 1998 takes us to a time before Griffey was hurt every year, and that is a wonderful thing to remember. 

Kerry Wood struck out 20 dudes in a game and nearly had a no-hitter. This was the greatest pitching performance ever. Nobody will ever touch it in my mind. Wood made baseballs do things that physics should not allow. And he did all of this while not even being old enough to drink. God, I hate injuries so much, but in 1998, I barely even knew they existed.

Rod Beck was the Cubs Closer. This was not only fun for Cubs fans; it was fun for all fans. Rod Beck made sure to make every game close no matter what the lead. The Cubs could be up by 3 runs, and Beck would give up two runs, have the bases loaded with no out, and then get a strike out and a double play and act like it was his plan the whole time. Rod Beck was stupid fun.

Greg, not Mo, but Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs. He only had 18 the year before. Good for him at becoming 2.5 times better at offense at age 32.

Oh, speaking of a surprising late career power spike, there is no way I can make it through this without mentioning Toronto Blue Jays legend, Jose Canseco, who hit 46 bombs about ten years past his prime. Anytime you bring up a baseball season and have a reason to bring up Jose Canseco, you know it's a good year.

Albert Belle hit 49 home runs, which I actually feel is totally legitimate. What is more impressive is that he played in 163 games. He isn't Mr. 24/7, he's Mr. 25/8. 

Glenallen Hill. Just that he existed is amazing. I love Glenallen Hill WAY too much.

Rickey Henderson was still leading the league in stolen bases, with 66. If Rickey were somehow still playing in his 50s today, he'd probably finish in the top 10 in stolen bases and have an above average on base percentage. Never underestimate Rickey.

Derek Jeter edged Tony Womack for most singles, 151 to 149. I loved Tony Womack. Scrappy, fast dudes were my jam in the late 90s. OBP didn't mean shit, and it was awesome.

Larry Walker led the league in batting average. You know who came in 2nd? John Olerud, and if you don't smile thinking of John Olerud wearing a batting helmet in the field, something is wrong with you. John Olerud was totally tubular.

Barry Bonds was in what should have been his prime, finished fourth in WAR but not in the top-10 in home runs. Let me just say that Barry Bonds was amazing, even before anyone ever questioned whether he was all natural. Do you need proof? I think I might be able to provide that.

Mark McGwire hit 33 more home runs than Barry Bonds, but Bonds still drew more intentional walks that year, because Barry Bonds is a goddamned national treasure.

It was Pedro Martinez's first year in Boston, and he put up the 7th best ERA in baseball, just behind Omar Daal. You could say that Omar Daal was dealing that year, but really, he was more Daaling than anything else.

Ben Grieve was the AL Rookie of the Year. I was a HUGE Ben Grieve believer (A BeGriever?). That obviously didn't turn out to great, but I had no doubt he'd hit 500 homers in his career after 1998. 

El Duque made his debut, which helped me learn that all Cubans are great at baseball, a lesson that actual baseball teams just learned, like, in the last 18 months.

Mike Caruso came 3rd in AL Rookie of the Year voting. I do not remember this guy AT ALL. He played another full year in 99, and then only got 21 more plate appearances in 2002. I bet Mike Caruso fucking loves talking about 1998.

Honestly, that 1998 Cubs team was my favorite team of all time. I should write about it every year, because it made me feel feelings. Reliving that year brings me incredible joy and also takes me back to when I had tears in my eyes after the evil, big money, Atlanta Braves, swept the lovable, scrappy, Chicago Cubs in three games. Everybody remembers the big names, but I would like to point out that Brant Brown slugged over .500 that year, and Gary Gaetti had a line of .320/.397/.594. Yep, Gary Gaetti hit over .300 and slugged nearly .600 at age 39 after being traded to the Cubs at the deadline. God, 1998 was awesome.

Still, some people try to shit on that year, because "Durrr, steroids," but those people are idiots. I will always love that 1998 season, and my larger point is that you shouldn't worry when people shit on something you love. It's not something to be embarrassed about, because you shouldn't let people take away great times and fond memories. On a related note, my first concert (which was probably a couple years earlier than 1998) was Weird Al Yankovic. I used to be embarrassed by this, but fuck that. Weird Al is awesome, and he put on a hell of a show that I guarantee I would still enjoy today. 

So love what you love, don't worry about what others think, because nostalgia is the one thing that never gets old.

Kerry Wood Was Special

Even though he will forever be remembered for one, Kerry Wood was much more important than his numbers. Everyone brings up his 20 strikeout game, and it is for good reason. Just look at this video. It's almost unfathomable that a pitcher could be that good. But he really was. He was not the best Cub of my lifetime, but he may have been the greatest. It's the reason articles like this one hit me on a level that most sports articles can't. When he retired, I really just wanted to read any interesting article I could find about him. Like many Cubs fans, I wanted to hang on to something that was gone.

He was the most Cub player of the last twenty years. Mark Grace is up there, but not quite. He went to Arizona and won a World Series, and as Cubs fans, we all felt great for him. But he never came back. Kerry left too. First to the Indians, and then traded to the Yankees. But he came back. Nobody ever comes back. Leaving the Cubs is supposed to be a blessing. Only Kerry would (pun unavoidable) come back to the curse.

He had opportunities to go other places, but he said he wanted to live in Chicago. Hell, he still could have gone to the White Sox for more money and lived in Chicago, but he couldn't do that. He hated the White Sox. And he really hated the fucking Cardinals. "Fuck those guys" was always the fan's attitude, but it's really something special when the players feel the same way.

And maybe it means a little more to people around my age. That 1998 Cubs team will forever remain my favorite team of all time, and this marks the end of that team in the major leagues. Kerry Wood was the last member to still be playing baseball. And a part of me always remembered that anytime I saw Wood take the mound. I will never have that experience again. I won't see a player and instantly be taken back to Sosa's historic season, Glenallen Hill hitting absolute bombs, Oh Henry! bars covering the field, Gary Gaetti crushing the ball after being a late season pickup, Rod Beck's heart attack inducing saves, hell, even Brant Brown's drop brings back nostalgia, but now it's gone. I won't watch life baseball and be taken back to that team.

Honestly, that sucks. But even though Kerry Wood's career may have not lived up to the hype, it certainly didn't suck. It was awesome. I came around about 20 years too late to see Ernie Banks, and although he'll never be Mr. Cub, Kerry Wood is my generation's version of it.

He put himself on the map in his fifth start because of his strikeouts. In a storybook ending, he finished his career like this.

We'll miss you, Kerry. Thanks for the memories.

What Would Men Do Without Sports?

This question never crossed my mind, because I didn’t know there were guys out there who didn’t like sports. Then I ran into real-life guys who had no interest in sports. I had always figured that, at worst, guys would have an interest in a borderline sport like soccer (I love pissing off soccer fans). But seriously, there are actually guys out there that have no interest in sports. I honestly don’t know what I would do with my life if I didn’t like sports.

When I’m at work, the only thing that gets me through the day is reading about sports in between the mundane and repetitive work that my job entails. I guess I could talk to the people I work with, but that is a situation I like to avoid as much as possible.

This doesn’t include all the time I spend watching sports on TV. Yes, there is a lot of good television on that does not involve sports, but just think about anytime you go out drinking. I went out for Cinco de Mayo, but also watched the UFC fights as well as the NBA, because the only alternative was talking with my idiot buddies. They’re great friends, but they are also much better in small doses.

Plus, how in the hell did people learn math without sports? Their teachers? Fuck that. I could multiply by 7s better than any other number, because of running up the score on Tecmo Super Bowl. I knew how to do division, because I needed to know how to figure out Kirby Puckett’s new batting average after going 3-for-4 in a game.

I honestly would have no idea how to push myself without sports. I remember being in junior high and running underneath the heater while bundled up in sweatshirts and sweatpants to lose that last pound so I could make weight for wrestling. I remember running sprints at the end of practice when my legs were screaming for me to stop, but to continue on through, not because I wanted to, but because that’s what you did.

Sports taught me emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows almost always involved sports.  I remember watching the 2008 Cubs clinch the division against the Cardinals, and my buddies and I staying for an hour after the game just drinking and having a great time. It’s not always great. When the 1998 Cubs got eliminated from the playoffs by the Braves, I cried. I was fourteen years old, and I realize that that makes me look like a crybaby bitch, but I loved that team. RIP Rod Beck.

So what do guys do without sports? I actually found out recently. There I was, having a completely normal discussion about sports and the value that Hulk Hogan created in our society. They looked at me as if I wasn’t even speaking English. Then these two assclowns went back and forth on the Lifetime movies they like to watch. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell them to get fucked. I wanted to tell them how worthless their lives were. I wanted to do society a favor and end them. Lucky for them, I needed to get back to my computer to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing.

See? Sports can even keep you out of prison.

Sports are the best.