4 Takeaways from the Iowa / Illinois Game

63-0 is a nice score. Yes, six more points would have been nicer, but let's just take this totally stress free and awesome win and enjoy the moment. 

In Your Face, Hawkeye Fans

Clearly, the Iowa coaching staff heard the complaints about a lack of usage for Noah Fant and Toren Young, so in the third drive, they decided to shove those two down our throat, and it proved the fans are all stupid idiots when Iowa easily scored a touchdown. Take that, Hawkeye fans. I think the latter is overblown as even though Young has the best yards per carry, I still think Mekhi Sargent is the best back. But not having Fant on the field in that loss to Northwestern was a crime. Not throwing to Fant is one thing, but just him being on the field will make it easier for other guys to get open. It appears the coaching staff has come to their senses, and it sets them up to smash Nebraska to end the season next week.

OMG, AJ Epenesa

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD (deep breath) OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. AJ Epenesa is pretty good, right? He ended with eight tackles, 3.5 for loss, and 1.5 counting as sacks. He also had a pass defensed, a fumble recovery, and a touchdown. I've gotta say, it's pretty cool having a five-star recruit on the team. Physically, he is absolutely incredible, and he's starting to get more refined in his technique. He has the ability to take over a game, and he does it as a part-time player. For funsies, I decided to see what people thought of him for the 2020 NFL Draft, and it turns out he is not flying under the radar since he is already projected as the seventh overall pick, but at least we still have a year plus with him on our side. I plan on enjoying every snap of this experience.

Amani Hooker Is a Football Player

Amani Hooker had three tackles, one was for a loss, and one pass defensed. And even with that stat line, it jumped out that there is nobody that is more of a football player than Amani Hooker on this Iowa team. Epenesa and Fant are the most talented on their respective sides of the ball, but when it comes to instincts and always making the right decision and being in the right spot, there is nobody that touches Amani Hooker on this team. He is the guy that most reminds me of Desmond King in his incredible instincts out there. His stats don't jump off the page, and it appears he isn't considered much of a prospect as the only real projection I saw for him was the 13th best strong safety for the 2020 NFL Draft. Thank God people don't realize how good he is, because Hooker is what makes this defense so potent. It's easier to enjoy Epenesa, but watching Hooker is just as satisfying.

New Kirk Is The Hot Chick

New Kirk is great. He goes for it on fourth down, he doesn't punt when he is on his opponent's side of the field, and he even embraces trick plays. But New Kirk doesn't totally understand this new change. Basically, he's the teenage girl that switches bodies with an adult in a movie. Old Kirk is like, oh neato, not punting can be pretty exciting. Going for it on fourth and short is neato. But the child always runs into adult body problems that they did not expect. I mean, we all remember the cinematic classic, The Hot Chick. It was very jarring for Rachel McAdams to have Rob Schneider's body. This is New Kirk. He will often call timeouts at the end of the first half, even though he still won't have enough time to get the ball back. And then, when he was about to enter halftime up 35-0, he called a fake victory formation fumblerooski play just because he could. It was totally pointless, absolutely hilarious, and it's just New Kirk's version of how weird it is to have body hair. 

Come back next week to learn how Dalton Ferguson is actually a lot like Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo (obviously Parker Hesse would be the original Deuce Bigalow). 

Are Anti-Vaccine People The Worst Human Beings Ever?

With an outbreak of measles, anti-vaccination people have stopped being the charming dipshit that you know to an actual threat to people's health. Well, at least that is how I have seen them since I don't have children. I was more of the opinion that they were terribly stupid as opposed to terrible people, but it's pretty clear that they are now much more the former than the latter. So it's not a matter of whether they are awful people, it's a matter of how awful they are. I decided to look at some other awful people to figure out where they would land on the spectrum of awful people.

Juggalos
Juggalos drink Faygo and do drugs. Their opinions on women are antiquated, but if you are a juggalette, they seem to treat them with respect. Their stupidity, like not understanding magnets is harmless. Overall, Juggalos just really just like to party; anti-vaxxers are so much worse than that.

Scientologists
As a cult, scientologists are a tad dangerous. They definitely put people in some bad situations, but they still never outright murder people. I feel like the anti-vax crowd can really relate to scientologists. Scientologists are usually super happy people. Just look at Tom Cruise. Also, anti-vaccine people are super happy, because if ignorance is bliss, then these people must constantly feel as if they are inhaling nitrous oxide. I mean, these people side with Jay Cutler, who may not even be anti-vaccination as much as he is just too lazy to take his kids to the doctor.

But the big difference between the two is that Scientologists only harm their own. They don't put everyone in danger. Therefore, anti-vaccine people are way worse than Scientologists.

Racists
Okay, it's time to step it up. Racists are truly awful people. I find charm in Juggalos and have no real issues with Scientologists, but even I can't defend racists. I mean, they're racists. That's really bad, but is it worse than anti-vaccination people?

Racists these days more work in systematic racism as opposed to outright dangerous racism. Now, there have been recent issues with police being quick to pull the trigger on minorities, but that topic is a little too nuanced for me to address here. Most racists aren't physical threats, and even the really hardcore racists at least go after adults, so their ignorance doesn't usually endanger the lives of children. The anti-vaccination community is stupid, but it's stupid dangerous. And just like racists, both of their stances are completely based off ignorance with no scientific or real-world backing. If somebody is screaming the n-word, they are going to be put in their place, anti-vaccination people should suffer the same scorn for spouting off their ignorant bullshit as well. Systematic racism is something that is truly awful, yet people who are anti-vaccination still manage to be worse.

Terrorists
At least terrorists come up with reasoning behind why they want people dead. And although I do not agree with that reasoning, a lot of terrorists have had family and friends killed which definitely spurns their hatred of America (and our freedom, they SUPER hate our freedom). An anti-vaxxer wants to endanger innocent children's lives because noted science expert and Male Gigolo, Rob Schneider, believe it causes autism. How is exposing the United States to deadly diseases that have been wiped out in this country not considered chemical warfare? If a terrorist did that, they would be arrested and at best, spend the rest of their lives in prison. But there are somehow not laws against these anti-vaccination disease terrorists. So yes, anti-vaccine people are even worse than terrorists.

Hitler
I know what you're thinking: Nobody can be worse than Hitler. He's Hitler. He has to be the worse, right? Well, just hear me out. Both used their own ignorance to intentionally harm innocent people. Hitler targeted Jews, which is super bad, but anti-vaccination people targeted children. That's as bad as it gets. Still, Hitler's methods were gruesome, and his grew out of a place of hatred as opposed to simple ignorance.

Hitler still takes the crown, because, well, he's Hitler. So congratulations, anti-vaxxers, you're just behind Hitler in awful people in this world. Now go get your child vaccinated, you dumbfucks.