The Andrew Dice Clay of the Alt-Right

I was scrolling through Twitter a couple weeks ago when I found something funny.

@ultimatederek @KrangTNelson hey fuck nuts, that's my woman and trust me... the sex is amazing. pic.twitter.com/wpMcUaDAY3

— 🐸Grant J. Kidney🐸 (@GrantJKidney) December 28, 2016

I had no idea who this person is, but the fact that he is arguing on the internet is never a good sign. Also, if you have to explicitly state that the sex you are having is the good sex, um, methinks the lady doth protest too much.

But since I was on the road traveling back to Florida after the holidays, I had some time to waste so I looked at this man's profile, and I was very happy that I did. Here is his profile: I am the Andrew Dice Clay of the #AltRight. http://

Oh, hell yeah! The neo-nazi version of DICE is exactly what I am looking for. I mean, the jokes would be on point.

"Muslim? What kind of guy you think I am? More like muslher, OH!"

Or, "Immigrants? More like ImmaGet me a fence and build a wall, BADA BOOM!"

Plus, the nursery rhymes would be amazing.

Hickory Dickory Dock
The only black life that matters is the Rock

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
All lives matter
Especially Blue.

But he didn't have any of that. His website was a bunch of nonsense that isn't even worth resposting. Like, it was offensive in its stupidity, but not so offensive that it was even funny ironically. It was just lazy and tired. I mean, I could do a better job of being the Diceman of the AltRight, just by being lewd, ignorant, and adding some rhymes. It's not that hard.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
Unfortunately, her cupboard was bare.
She must have run out of food stamps
And great Americans simply don't care...
Get a job, you lazy broad.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a message for Allah
Jill says you can lick my ass
Jack said it'll only cost a dollar, OH!

Aw shit, I think I just became the Andrew Dice Clay of the Alt-Right. God damnit.

Are Anti-Vaccine People The Worst Human Beings Ever?

With an outbreak of measles, anti-vaccination people have stopped being the charming dipshit that you know to an actual threat to people's health. Well, at least that is how I have seen them since I don't have children. I was more of the opinion that they were terribly stupid as opposed to terrible people, but it's pretty clear that they are now much more the former than the latter. So it's not a matter of whether they are awful people, it's a matter of how awful they are. I decided to look at some other awful people to figure out where they would land on the spectrum of awful people.

Juggalos
Juggalos drink Faygo and do drugs. Their opinions on women are antiquated, but if you are a juggalette, they seem to treat them with respect. Their stupidity, like not understanding magnets is harmless. Overall, Juggalos just really just like to party; anti-vaxxers are so much worse than that.

Scientologists
As a cult, scientologists are a tad dangerous. They definitely put people in some bad situations, but they still never outright murder people. I feel like the anti-vax crowd can really relate to scientologists. Scientologists are usually super happy people. Just look at Tom Cruise. Also, anti-vaccine people are super happy, because if ignorance is bliss, then these people must constantly feel as if they are inhaling nitrous oxide. I mean, these people side with Jay Cutler, who may not even be anti-vaccination as much as he is just too lazy to take his kids to the doctor.

But the big difference between the two is that Scientologists only harm their own. They don't put everyone in danger. Therefore, anti-vaccine people are way worse than Scientologists.

Racists
Okay, it's time to step it up. Racists are truly awful people. I find charm in Juggalos and have no real issues with Scientologists, but even I can't defend racists. I mean, they're racists. That's really bad, but is it worse than anti-vaccination people?

Racists these days more work in systematic racism as opposed to outright dangerous racism. Now, there have been recent issues with police being quick to pull the trigger on minorities, but that topic is a little too nuanced for me to address here. Most racists aren't physical threats, and even the really hardcore racists at least go after adults, so their ignorance doesn't usually endanger the lives of children. The anti-vaccination community is stupid, but it's stupid dangerous. And just like racists, both of their stances are completely based off ignorance with no scientific or real-world backing. If somebody is screaming the n-word, they are going to be put in their place, anti-vaccination people should suffer the same scorn for spouting off their ignorant bullshit as well. Systematic racism is something that is truly awful, yet people who are anti-vaccination still manage to be worse.

Terrorists
At least terrorists come up with reasoning behind why they want people dead. And although I do not agree with that reasoning, a lot of terrorists have had family and friends killed which definitely spurns their hatred of America (and our freedom, they SUPER hate our freedom). An anti-vaxxer wants to endanger innocent children's lives because noted science expert and Male Gigolo, Rob Schneider, believe it causes autism. How is exposing the United States to deadly diseases that have been wiped out in this country not considered chemical warfare? If a terrorist did that, they would be arrested and at best, spend the rest of their lives in prison. But there are somehow not laws against these anti-vaccination disease terrorists. So yes, anti-vaccine people are even worse than terrorists.

Hitler
I know what you're thinking: Nobody can be worse than Hitler. He's Hitler. He has to be the worse, right? Well, just hear me out. Both used their own ignorance to intentionally harm innocent people. Hitler targeted Jews, which is super bad, but anti-vaccination people targeted children. That's as bad as it gets. Still, Hitler's methods were gruesome, and his grew out of a place of hatred as opposed to simple ignorance.

Hitler still takes the crown, because, well, he's Hitler. So congratulations, anti-vaxxers, you're just behind Hitler in awful people in this world. Now go get your child vaccinated, you dumbfucks.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!