Dirty Signs with Kristin Is The Best Thing On YouTube

With Logan Paul filming dead bodies and Pewdie Pie doing something racist, I think, YouTube personalities have taken a hit lately. Since I am old and uncool, I have never gone down that wormhole of weird YouTube personalities, but it's understandable that people are taking advantage of a new medium to gain fame. And any time that this many people are going out and putting out original content, eventually a star will be born. Well, folks, I have recently found that star, and she deserves all of the YouTube money.

It all started when Steel Panther tweeted out a link. If it was good enough for Steel Panther, then surely, it was good enough for me. But it wasn't good enough for me, it was actually too great for me, and that is why I need to share Dirty Signs with Kristin with the world.


Not only is this entertaining, it's educational as well. I have never had the urge to learn sign language, but you best believe that I am learning all of the dirty phrases that Kristin has decided to teach. I can learn helpful phrases, like the Valentine's favorite of asking someone to toss my salad.


Or less catchy phrases, like "I want to tongue punch your fart box."


The great news is that no matter what the situation, I'll be prepared thanks to Kristin's videos.

Somehow, these videos only are in the hundred thousand page views. These videos should be in the hundred millions for views as it should be required course work for any high schooler. Sometimes, the internet lets us down, but sometimes, it helps us discover something beautiful. Dirty Signs with Kristin, thank you for your service.

I Know Nothing About Pregnancy

Okay, so I don't know nothing about pregnancy. I mean, I understand how it happens. It's the classic tale of a man and woman fall in love with each other, and then a stork comes by and has sex with the woman with its magical baby-yielding powers. That part is simple.

But everything else? I don't have a clue. You should also know that I did zero research on the topic, so I could stay as ignorant as possible. These are my thoughts on pregnancy.

To start off, like, ladies go into labor. What does that really mean? Like, the baby doesn't just start coming out at the beginning of labor, so what even constitutes going into labor?

Their water breaks. All I know is that when I've seen that happen in sitcoms, ladies act like they just peed their pants really bad and then a baby comes out like 30 seconds later. I assume it is not that easy. Also, my mind was blown when I found out ladies can go into labor before their water breaks. Is everything I have seen on TV a lie?

And real talk, I feel embarrassed about this, but how do babies breathe in there? I know they went over this in Sex Ed, but I cannot remember how that worked. I thought they had a tube that got them air somehow, but I'm pretty sure there is just the tube into their stomach area, but maybe that provides food and air. Maybe babies can breathe in mucus until they actually emerge from the womb. The latter is starting to sound right to me. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just made babies sound like mermaids/mermen, and I'm not sure if I want to put my full weight behind that theory.

Oh shit, that reminds me about the best pregnancy story I ever heard. This lady at work said her daughter was going to the bathroom and bam, a baby popped out, and she didn't even know she was pregnant. She was super happy about being a grandparent, so good for her, but this is not a story I would tell all of my coworkers. Also, this story threw my mind for a loop, because of this next part, which I do not understand at all.

How in the blue hell does a baby come out of a woman? Like, seriously. I know ladies complain about this and how tough they are, but the physics of it all makes no sense to me. I get that mammals do this, but I haven't seen animals of any kind produce a spawn, and my brain cannot fathom how this could possibly work.

Oh, and this is a major deal in today's society with shitloads of technology. How did any lady survive this?

Think about it historically. Imagine giving birth to something. Your only reaction had to be What...The...Fuck. This mucusy monster just exited a hole that was not big enough for it to exit out of, and it starts crying like a butthole (crying is good, right? I think crying is good, but again, I know so little that it may be the opposite). The umbilical cord means it is still attached to your insides, right? I don't know about you, but if I were a woman with this thing that came out of me that still had a cord attached to my insides, I would not want that cord cut. That may be my lifeline. Who knows how important that cord might be? Bravo to the first lady who is like, "Fuck it, cut the cord," because there is no way she knew that she would survive. And she did survive. She must have felt like Dalton after ripping out a man's throat; at worst she felt at least as good as the bad guy in Road House after he fucked guys like Dalton in prison. It's a truly badass maneuver.

Anyway pregnancy sounds really messed up, and God and/or Science is way messed up for designing things like that.

Oh yeah, and shoutout to my sister for going through this mysterious journey and producing a baby boy.