What Would Men Do Without Sports?

This question never crossed my mind, because I didn’t know there were guys out there who didn’t like sports. Then I ran into real-life guys who had no interest in sports. I had always figured that, at worst, guys would have an interest in a borderline sport like soccer (I love pissing off soccer fans). But seriously, there are actually guys out there that have no interest in sports. I honestly don’t know what I would do with my life if I didn’t like sports.

When I’m at work, the only thing that gets me through the day is reading about sports in between the mundane and repetitive work that my job entails. I guess I could talk to the people I work with, but that is a situation I like to avoid as much as possible.

This doesn’t include all the time I spend watching sports on TV. Yes, there is a lot of good television on that does not involve sports, but just think about anytime you go out drinking. I went out for Cinco de Mayo, but also watched the UFC fights as well as the NBA, because the only alternative was talking with my idiot buddies. They’re great friends, but they are also much better in small doses.

Plus, how in the hell did people learn math without sports? Their teachers? Fuck that. I could multiply by 7s better than any other number, because of running up the score on Tecmo Super Bowl. I knew how to do division, because I needed to know how to figure out Kirby Puckett’s new batting average after going 3-for-4 in a game.

I honestly would have no idea how to push myself without sports. I remember being in junior high and running underneath the heater while bundled up in sweatshirts and sweatpants to lose that last pound so I could make weight for wrestling. I remember running sprints at the end of practice when my legs were screaming for me to stop, but to continue on through, not because I wanted to, but because that’s what you did.

Sports taught me emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows almost always involved sports.  I remember watching the 2008 Cubs clinch the division against the Cardinals, and my buddies and I staying for an hour after the game just drinking and having a great time. It’s not always great. When the 1998 Cubs got eliminated from the playoffs by the Braves, I cried. I was fourteen years old, and I realize that that makes me look like a crybaby bitch, but I loved that team. RIP Rod Beck.

So what do guys do without sports? I actually found out recently. There I was, having a completely normal discussion about sports and the value that Hulk Hogan created in our society. They looked at me as if I wasn’t even speaking English. Then these two assclowns went back and forth on the Lifetime movies they like to watch. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell them to get fucked. I wanted to tell them how worthless their lives were. I wanted to do society a favor and end them. Lucky for them, I needed to get back to my computer to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing.

See? Sports can even keep you out of prison.

Sports are the best.

Taco Bell Has Created A Double Decker Utopia

Last year, I absolutely raved about Sneaky Taco Bell Guy and what the geniuses at Taco Bell were conveying in their fantastic commercial. Well, we can no longer chalk up that amazing commercial to luck as Taco Bell has another commercial that brings a smile to my face every time that I see it. The viewer believes they're watching a commercial about a taco, but in reality, it's a commercial about a better lifestyle. The taco is the quintessence of this lifestyle.

This commercial promotes the new Double Decker. Yes, a new Double Decker. Somehow, the masterminds at Taco Bell took their best item on the menu and made it better. Here is the video for those unfamiliar with the advertisement:

What sets this commercial apart from the crappy commercials with babies talking about investing and some white guy rapping about his cell phone service is that there is actually deep meaning within this commercial. In just 30 seconds, Taco Bell conveys a utopia, a dream world where different groups of people come together as one. We could only be so lucky to live in this place.

The first thing that is conveyed is the socioeconomic equality within this commercial. Here they are at a fancy cocktail party, but instead of having sushi or some fancy finger food, they go with 89 cent Cheesy Double Deckers. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, wealth has no advantages in this world.

Next up is that different races are able to mix together.

These two gals are having a great time, and the color of their skin does not matter. Everyone can enjoy a Cheesy Double Decker.

I actually found this third example of overall equality much later than the others. This commercial actually conveys that this world is completely tolerant of both hetero and homosexual relationships. Don't believe me? Check out this screen shot:

On the right, we have the traditional (although with mixed races) heterosexual relationship. The left side of the screen very clearly shows two well-dressed gentlemen enjoying each other's company. It's the perfect world, so they do not need to hide from the world. In Cheesy Double Decker Land, all life decisions are encouraged, as long as they lead to happiness. Obviously, a lot of religious zealots are not fond of the homosexual lifestyle, but Taco Bell has them in mind as well. Our Winning Taco Guy points the taco to draw attention to the normal relationship on his left (the viewer's right), so the deeply religious people can live in Cheesy Double Decker Land without having to worry about the evils (in their opinion) of homosexuality.

But the equality that pops out at even the most casual observer is that beautiful people and normal looking people are all together in this world without judgment on outward appearance. Now that's not to say that the people in this commercial are not trying; they are, but since nobody is judged on outward appearance, their effort comes from their own personal satisfaction as opposed to trying to conform to societal norms.

But what about the non-beautiful people? Well, just look at who is the most normal looking person. It's the guy who is celebrating his "Winning" Taco. He represents us. He is living our dream, as he has been placed in this utopia for no other reason but to obtain the maximum satisfaction from life. And he's achieving that. How many times have you been as happy as he is when he discovers his winning taco? Probably not too many. And that leads us to the most interesting screenshot of the entire commercial:

You see, although he finds this winner of Double Decker Tacos, it's not him that is the winner; it's the world. Hence, he holds out the taco, because he wants to share this amazing discovery with the viewer. And that is where the Cheesy Double Decker becomes so important to this commercial. We can't live in this world, but in a small way, we can bring this world to us.

The Cheesy Double Decker is a perfect utopia that has been brought to our normal existence. The meat is the rich people's source of protein while beans represent the poor person's source. The soft shell represents the white race, while the hard shell with its darker pigment represents all the races combining with the whites in perfect harmony. Although two cheeses coming together may seem unconventional, it is not only accepted, but encouraged in the Cheesy Double Decker. And the lettuce? It signifies normalcy in a world of beautiful flavors, because just like in this utopia, there's room for a little bit of everything in the Cheesy Double Decker.

Taco Bell isn't selling a Taco; they're selling a better life..and I'm buying.

-Joe

P.S. Here is another awesome Taco Bell commercial. The introduction of the Double Decker.

The Five Dumbest Groups On Facebook

There are some questions that should never be asked.  One of those questions is why I thought of this post and how I found these groups.  Once you get over that question, you can then enjoy what I am going to present to you, because these groups are awe-inspiring.  To be eligible for this list, I must first have no idea how someone could come up with the concept.  After that, I have to be completely baffled on how people would actually find this group.

5.  girls get periods,pregnancy and pain & boys get food,football and females.
At first I thought this was anti-females, but it turns out that this is actually supposed to support the cause of females.  Look at their logo:

I'm baffled by this.  How is this supposed to be good for females?  And why would anyone join this group?  Yet, I look at this group and see nearly 500,000 likes for this group.  I already feel like driving my head through a wall.  Let's move on.

4.  Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do
Um, ah, what?  I really thought that this group was dedicated to some news story that I never heard or cared about where a jealous father killed her daughter's boyfriend for fingerblasting her in the back of his Mom's Civic.  I have seen no evidence of this.  I'm pretty sure that this group was just started, because some loser started dating a girl who he thought was pretty (Due to the stupidity of this group, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that instead of describing her as pretty, I would describe her as beastly), and her Dad broke up the relationship.   Slowly but surely, this group gained momentum, and it is now over a HALF MILLION likes.  This has no basis in reality, and yet we are still over halfway to a million likes on this group.  God damnit, we are devolving as a society, and it seems to be happening at a rapid pace.

3.  ANY DICK CAN MAKE A BABY BUT IT TAKES A MAN TO BE A DADDY
Good God, is this really a necessary group to make?  I realize it's trying to be clever, but it doesn't make any logical sense.   You need balls to make a baby, as balls are a key component in making a baby.  Another key component to baby making:  A female.  I have never heard of any dick being able to produce a baby out of the blue.  The closest was the hit documentary, Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I never actually saw this movie, but I'm assuming it's comedy gold.  But it really bothers me that people actually find this group and feel it necessary to join it.  Oh well, I'm sure not that many people would feel the urge to join this group, oh fuck me, over 1.1 MILLION people like this group.

2.  ONLY JOIN if your name starts with A, C, D, F, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, S, T
More than any other group on this list, this is the one that makes me scream, "WHY?"  Why would you create this group?  What is this group's goal?  I have looked at this group, studies it, comprehended every possible meaning, and I cannot come up with any meaning to this group.  Why are the last six letters of the alphabet completely banned from this group?  I thought I had something when I started with skip a consonant, then skip a vowel, and go back and forth, but it falls apart when P, Q, and R are all skipped.  Don't try to figure out this group; it will only give you a headache.  But do you know how many people wanted to Like this headache?  Society is completely fucked as this group has nearly 1.3 MILLION likes on Facebook.  I seriously have no clue what motivates people these days. 


1.  I Believe That a Strong Relationship Is Not Based Only on Sex Life but That a Strong Relationship Builds a Strong Love Life That Leads to a Strong and Great Sex Life and Can Only Happen With Open Communication
Wow, this is truly the humdinger of all groups.  It is so ultra specific that there is no way possible for more than person to have this specific of a thought.  I mean, this specificity is literally blowing me away with its uncanny effort to be completely fucking pointless.  Looking at this group, there are two types of people that would come up with this group:
1.  A Virgin - He's never had sex and feels like he needs emotional love before he can give his flower up to someone.
2.  Guy With A Small Penis - This guy may have gotten laid, but let's just say, she wasn't impressed.  The person who created this group seems like he'd be into massively obese women, and he's just got to learn that you don't bring a paddleboat to the ocean bro.  His ultimate revenge was the creation of this group.  Nice job bud, you totally owned her.
With how ultra specific this group is, there is really no way that it isn't the least popular, but since I found it, you must figure that it must have at least 100 people in it.  It does have 100, it even has 1000, in fact, it has somehow managed to be at nearly 200,000 likes.  Maybe it's time I perform a self-lobotomy just so I am able to communicate through unintelligble sounds and drooling like the rest of society.


-Joe


P.S.  MC Vagina has a new song, it's incredibly lewd, which makes it amazing as always.  I'm still not sure if WMD or HIV is my favorite acronym: