Macho Man Randy Savage Is The Greatest: Volume 2 - The World's Greatest Threat

Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.

Hulk Hogan turning heel at the Bash at the Beach in 1996 is one of the most iconic moments in pro wrestling history. It was an incredible shock to this 12-year-old Hulkamaniac, but it also spawned the coolest stable in pro wrestling history. What people don't remember is how WCW responded the next night. Sting gave his speech about Hulk letting everybody down, and it was very ho-hum. Then Macho Man took the microphone and shit got real.

In case you are at work, or if you need someone to help you digest what you just saw, I am going to break down every line from the Macho Man.

I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. 

Okay, that makes sense. He just turned his back on WCW, and especially Macho Man, more than anyone else, so I it is totally reasonable that Savage would have a message for Hogan.

But what I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television, especially here at Disney. 

Hey-o! Macho's coming in hot, but honestly, this makes sense. He has every right to be angry. The problem is that if he can't say what's on his mind, how will he articulate what he wants to do to Hogan? But you should never question Macho's ability to get his point across, because this man has articulation oozing out of his ass.

But you take the worst thing that you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million...

Okay, hold up just for a second. Let me do the math here. Worse thing...times...9,000,000...equals...oh man, that's some bad shit right there.

...and then you multiply it by infinity...

Oh, wait, just give me one more second. Times ∞. okay, it looks like that equals 9,000,000 ∞. That seems like a lot.

...and beyond. 

Hum. I can't seem to find the "and beyond" button on this thing. But it's got to be more than 9,000,000 ∞. That was already more than I could count, so it's gotta be pretty intense. And let's not forget that this is how much you should multiply the worst thing that you can think about.

It would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert, brother. 

Oh, WOW. So even with that large number we just discovered, that would only represent one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert. Doing some quick research with the always reliable Yahoo Answers, I learned that there are eight octillion grains of sand in the Sahara. That means that to figure out what Macho Man is thinking, we have to think of the worst thing we can think of, multiply it by 9,000,000 ∞, and then multiply that by 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Because it's really really scary what I'm thinking and gonna do to you, YEAH.

Uh...yeah, I'd say so. After doing the math, we have to take the worst thing we can think of and multiply it by 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ∞. What could this possibly mean? How is this possible? Well, after weeks of this question haunting me, the answer finally dawned on me. The key is not who is saying this, but who he is saying it to. What Macho Man understood better than any of us was Hollywood Hogan's former nickname. Not just Hulk, but The Immortal Hulk Hogan. That takes care of the infinity, as this torture that Macho Man wants to put on Hulk Hogan will last for all eternity. That giant number before the infinity? Well, that will always remain a mystery as only Macho Man had the mental capacity to dream up something so awful that it would be 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 than your worst nightmare.

It is the greatest threat recorded in human history, and it's another reason why Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest.

What Would Men Do Without Sports?

This question never crossed my mind, because I didn’t know there were guys out there who didn’t like sports. Then I ran into real-life guys who had no interest in sports. I had always figured that, at worst, guys would have an interest in a borderline sport like soccer (I love pissing off soccer fans). But seriously, there are actually guys out there that have no interest in sports. I honestly don’t know what I would do with my life if I didn’t like sports.

When I’m at work, the only thing that gets me through the day is reading about sports in between the mundane and repetitive work that my job entails. I guess I could talk to the people I work with, but that is a situation I like to avoid as much as possible.

This doesn’t include all the time I spend watching sports on TV. Yes, there is a lot of good television on that does not involve sports, but just think about anytime you go out drinking. I went out for Cinco de Mayo, but also watched the UFC fights as well as the NBA, because the only alternative was talking with my idiot buddies. They’re great friends, but they are also much better in small doses.

Plus, how in the hell did people learn math without sports? Their teachers? Fuck that. I could multiply by 7s better than any other number, because of running up the score on Tecmo Super Bowl. I knew how to do division, because I needed to know how to figure out Kirby Puckett’s new batting average after going 3-for-4 in a game.

I honestly would have no idea how to push myself without sports. I remember being in junior high and running underneath the heater while bundled up in sweatshirts and sweatpants to lose that last pound so I could make weight for wrestling. I remember running sprints at the end of practice when my legs were screaming for me to stop, but to continue on through, not because I wanted to, but because that’s what you did.

Sports taught me emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows almost always involved sports.  I remember watching the 2008 Cubs clinch the division against the Cardinals, and my buddies and I staying for an hour after the game just drinking and having a great time. It’s not always great. When the 1998 Cubs got eliminated from the playoffs by the Braves, I cried. I was fourteen years old, and I realize that that makes me look like a crybaby bitch, but I loved that team. RIP Rod Beck.

So what do guys do without sports? I actually found out recently. There I was, having a completely normal discussion about sports and the value that Hulk Hogan created in our society. They looked at me as if I wasn’t even speaking English. Then these two assclowns went back and forth on the Lifetime movies they like to watch. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell them to get fucked. I wanted to tell them how worthless their lives were. I wanted to do society a favor and end them. Lucky for them, I needed to get back to my computer to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing.

See? Sports can even keep you out of prison.

Sports are the best.