I Love Buying Tools

I am nowhere near a handyman. I’m sure that anyone with a moderate level of competence with tools would laugh at some of my techniques and the janky way that I accomplish things. That being said, I keep getting better, learning more and more each time I need to tackle a new project. And I have to admit, building and fixing things is freaking awesome. I get to go off and be on my own, try, fail, try again, and usually succeed. Even the failures aren’t too bad because that likely means that it’s too dangerous for me to reliably accomplish or something is just straight up broken and needs to be replaced.

But there is no better feeling than running into a project and realizing that I do not have what I need to get it done. That means I get to buy new tools. I can’t believe how excited I get about buying new tools. It is the equivalent of a child getting a video game. It doesn’t matter the level of the tool, just getting a new tool is exciting. It could cost $5 or $100, but either way I am like a kid on Christmas whenever it is justified.

Most recently, I bought new vice-grip pliers. I didn’t have this tool, and now I’m wondering why I’ve been wasting my time with other pliers. They made a difficult job that I was exerting way too much energy into and made it ten times easier. It’s awesome. Now I just want to go around gripping things.

A year ago, I bought a reciprocating saw because I didn’t want to pay $400 to replace my mailbox. I ended up engineering a janky fix that nobody in the HOA has noticed. That means that I solved a $400 problem for $100 and I still have a cool tool in my garage. Have I used it since then? Nope, and I literally can’t even think of a project where I could use it. But it’s already paid for itself so it’s still a massive win.

Tools are awesome. Fuck yeah, tools!

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me About The 21 Convention?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How could notify me that not only does something called The 21 Convention exist, but that it was less than two hours away from me in Orlando. At least one of you must have known about it, because it is simply too hilarious for me to not be exposed to it.

For those of you that were not withholding this information from me, you're probably asking what The 21 Convention is. Well, as the top of their website states, it is, "The Best Event For Life On Earth As A Man." This is why I am so disappointed that I did not know about it. I mean, for the low low price of $1499 (less than $1500), I could have gone to the best event for life on Earth as a man. As a man, this event would have been especially relevant to me.

So, I am doing something that is painful but needed. I'm going to go through the five speakers that I was most bummed to not be able to see in person. And trust me, if you go to their website, you'll understand that it was incredibly difficult to keep the list at just five.

5. Ross Jefferies - Master-Hypnotist
I'm almost positive they mentioned this guy in The Game by Neil Strauss. I really love their introductory paragraph for him as it states, "Ross Jeffries has been described as someone who not only knows more than any one in the world about how persuasion and seduction works, but more than anyone ever SHOULD know about these topics." Can you imagine seeing this guy in a club trying to seduce women? Instead of dangling a watch, he probably dangles his dentures. Seriously, in that picture above, there is no way he has teeth in his mouth. Probably the most impressive thing about Ross is that, judging by his picture, he has been dead for at least 15 years. I'd love to hear about what he has to say about seduction in the afterlife.

4. Tanner Guzy - Founder, Masculine Style
This man should never be able to describe anything he does as masculine. Look at this string beans he has hanging from those deflated shoulders. Pathetic. He's wearing a mustard yellow jacket, but he did not make the Pro Football Hall of Fame. You've got to earn your jacket, you beta.

3. Zan Perrion - Founder, Ars Amorata
This guy's entire look is poor man's Johnny Depp. The only thing that you really need to know about him is that he is one of the founding members of today's "burgeoning community of international pickup artists." Why is there not a Netflix documentary on the burgeoning community of international pickup artists? That is something I could seriously get behind.

2. Eric Von Sydow aka Hypnotica - Author and Coach For Men
Oh hell yeah, it's the unknown third member of The Ascension. He's an expert in female-male interaction, but I think that just means that he knows how to club his woman without killing her. This brohemoth earned the title of, "Inner Game Guru" by killing the man who had it before him. I honestly can't believe he's not number one on this list.

1. Socrates - Relationship Philosopher
Oh, hell yeah. If I want to learn about picking up chicks, it is definitely from a guy who looks like this. Also, his name is Socrates, I'm sure he philosophizes what it would be like to see a woman naked. Honestly, judging by that gut, he may just be wondering what it would be like to see Mr. Winky again. The original Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this Socrates must believe that an unexamined penis is not worth using.

The thing that put Socrates over the top was that with your $1499 ticket, you also got admission to an "Intellectual Party at Socrates' House." Fu-huck, that sounds so ridiculously incredibly ridiculous that I cannot find the words to properly explain its importance. Oh, but The 21 Convention did.

Can't argue with that. I'm so sad I missed out on this.

Should I Post Topless Photos of Myself?

Sometimes, I wish I was more of a douchebag. Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking, "How could you be a bigger douchebag? Your in your 30s and still refer to yourself as 'Hott Joe.'" Well, first off, damn, that was hurtful, hypothetical person that I created. But second, there are many, many ways that I could be a bigger douchebag.

The way that has most prominently entered my head is showing off my body. I am now 31 years old, but I have a body that would make 21 year-old me very jealous (partly because I'm in very good shape now, partly because I was in very poor shape then). But it's not like anybody (outside of my wife) ever really gets to enjoy it. So I work my ass off, and then cover up all of my hard work. I'm basically the guy who spends all of his money on a beautiful sports car, but then never takes it out of the garage.

But I can't be the guy who takes a shirtless picture of himself, can I? That guy is such a tool. But am I a tool by just considering this action? Probably. And then the question becomes, am I a bigger tool by not doing what I want to do, or doing something that I know is sad and super needy of outside people's approval? But shit, I work hard, and I deserve adulation for all of that hard work.

Aw shit, just realized something. I would have to manscape if I was going to take this picture, because if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right. But I don't even manscape for my wife, and it seems that putting in that sort of effort into my own narcissism is troubling, even for someone like me.

So it's settled. I will stay at my current level of douchebaggery and not post topless photos of my bodacious bod.

Thanks for helping me make the right decision, imaginary friend.