I'm convinced that nobody is satisfied with their body. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, I believe everyone wants to be just a little bit better. In fact, I would say there's a better chance of someone who doesn't workout being happy with their outward appearance than someone who spends a good amount of time in the gym. I wish I was above this feeling of inadequacy, but I know I'm never going to love my bod, and it's likely about to get a whole lot worse.
I'm 35 now, so my best athletic days are well behind me. Occasionally I'll sprint with the dog, and I realize that I am slower than shit. Not ideal, but it is what it is. Still, I've kept my weight under control and the body is fairly tight.
But for every moment that I start feeling pretty confident in how I look without a shirt, there is another moment where I can only look at how I'd like my lower abs to be a little tighter, my pecs a little bigger and even more symmetrical, even though nobody in this world will ever care that my right pec is slightly larger than my left. I would say that person does not exist, but I am that person. And I feel really good about where I'm at, especially at my advancing age. The body's never been perfect, so I think this is about as good as it's ever been. But there is always that knowledge that it could be better. At least I can take solace in the fact that I was blessed with a great set of yams.
I'm fairly well-adjusted. I can be happy with my body while still noticing areas of improvement, and I think that will stop me from ever being fully satisfied. At the same time, I know that I'm not willing to put the work in, partially because I've got bigger fish to fry, and even if I did make those improvements, there would always be something else that could improve.
And if you don't believe me that everyone is looking for improvement, let's just talk to Trey Adams, an offensive tackle that signed with the Buffalo Bills.
Trey "Inches" Adams keeps it real. Maybe a little too real.
WCW was all about star power in the mid-to-late 90s, and legitimate athletes were often the objects of their desire. Kevin Greene was a guy who was in the right place at the right time to take advantage of this. Greene was one of the coolest players in the NFL during his prime. Him and Greg Lloyd were probably the coolest outside linebacker duo of the last 25 years. WCW was hoping that his persona would carry over from the gridiron to the pro wrestling ring. I would say it had mixed results.
For the positives, let's get one thing out of the way: It was awesome to be Kevin Greene. It's kind of amazing how much money he was able to make in WCW. From 1996-mid 2000, Kevin Greene was the 26th highest paid wrestler, and he only wrestled FIVE TIMES from 1996-1998. Bill Goldberg was the hottest wrestler WCW had in 1998, and Kevin Greene made more money than him that year. Throughout that five year span, Greene made more than Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko. It was a really great time to be Kevin Greene. But let's not just focus on the money. Let's focus on what the impact he had on WCW.
Greene's first feud was teaming up with another footballer in Steve "Mongo" McMichael. Mongo had beef with The Four Horsemen, especially Ric Flair, because Flair kept trying to fuck Mongo's wife, and this was despite the fact that he already had two girlfriends. It was really great. She would turn him down week after week, and Flair would just continue to hit on her in every town, because apparently she traveled the country to watch her husband announce wrestling. Even Arn Anderson had to compliment Flair on his ability to get every woman he ever desired. Finally, Mongo got fed up and decided he was going to fight Flair and Arn Anderson. He needed a partner, and since he had no experience in wrestling, he decided to find another guy with zero experience in wrestling and tag up with Kevin Greene.
Kevin Greene was very adamant that Ric Flair and Arn Anderson remember their jock straps and mouthguards, because it's gonna be an all-day affair (and safety first).
Let me warn you about this training video. There is gay pornography that is not as homoerotic as this workout video.
Let's just focus on the quotes from this masterpiece:
"We're coming hard all day long."
"He's pulling that thing like he's gonna pull your head off."
"It's yours, Mongo. Pull it in there, baby."
Now, that is how you do a workout video right. So Kevin Greene's wrestling career is off to a resounding start before he's even had his first match.
Which is good, because this workout video is one of the highlights of his career. His first match didn't go so well for him as Mongo took a briefcase full of cash, hit Greene over the head with it and joined The Four Horsemen. Greene had been played by the dirtiest player in the game, and it was clear that Kevin Greene would forever remain enemies with The Four Horsemen.
He tagged with Flair in his next match. Yes. those two teamed up with Roddy Piper to take on Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Syxx. Now it was nearly a year later (something called the Carolina Panthers got in the way), and Greene said that he didn't trust him, but his love of Roddy Piper, despite admitting to be a Hulkamaniac as a child, apparently also loved Hulk's arch nemesis. Somehow, they won, because WCW for some reason decided that Piper, well past his prime, was an unstoppable force that must never take a loss. It was a really weird time.
A month later, Greene got his revenge when he took on Steve McMichael. If you ever wanted to watch two football players take their shot in a wrestling ring, well, you'd have some other options outside of this one as Mongo also took on Reggie White later on, but this was one of the best. It was obviously not good, but Greene did get the win.
Then football season got in the way again, and it was another year before he got his final feud in WCW. Since a year had passed, he was basically an honorary member of the Four Horsemen at this point, just hanging with his best bud, Mongo, and all of his friends who helped to completely screw him over in his first wrestling match. Still, it was his biggest feud yet, literally, as he squared off against The Giant.
The actual match only lasts about a minute, but it still manages to be a pretty impressive shitshow. Somehow Kevin Greene does not get disqualified for a blatant low blow, but The Giant does get disqualified for the nWo interfering in the match. But before all that happened, my favorite Kevin Greene moment of his career happened.
This is the gif for that feeling when you're about to have sex for the first time and her Dad comes home.
A couple weeks later, The Giant got his revenge and defeated Kevin Greene at Bash at the Beach. During that offseason, NFL teams put in a "No Wrestling" clause into Greene's contract and effectively ended his career.
Was Kevin Greene a great wrestler? No. He wasn't a good, or even average wrestler, but he had a lot of energy, and the main got paid. I mean, he was basically a super successful version of Mojo Rawley, and that ain't too bad for a part-time gig. Sure, wrestling fans probably won't look back on his career fondly, but if I were Greene, I'd be pretty damn pleased with myself. He went into another sport, had fun while doing it, and got paid. We should all be so lucky.
Let me just start by saying that Vader is one of my favorite wrestlers of all-time. He was so awesome in WCW, and it always blew my mind that the WWE was never able to utilize a big strong dude who could do just about anything athletically. His physique wasn't perfect, but it didn't have to be with his wrestling style. The guy was a monster. As I was going through the years on the WWE Network, I came across his introductory vignette, and it's all pretty awesome. Take a look.
Shadow boxing? Check.
Backflips? Check.
Heavy bag work? Check.
Curls? Check.
Pullups? Check.
Military press? Check.
Power cleans? Check.
All of those things are great, but nothing is as great as this.
Yeah, that's Vader, in what appears to be his mask, a tanktop, and diaper, on a bike while he does lat raises like nobody's business. That is some next level shit right there. This dude is working out so hard that he is worried he may shit his pants. You know he didn't learn that lesson the easy way.
Some people try to work so hard they puke. Others try to work out so hard that they pass out. Both of these groups rarely reach those levels. Vader works out until he shits himself, and he reaches that point Every. Single. Time.
I am a person that is somewhat (totally) consumed by my own vanity. I am well aware of this, as it has been this way for quite a while. I like looking at me, and it's a big reason why I stay in shape, although in most public situations, I will cite the variety of health benefits associated with working out. In reality, it's all about looking good.
Despite this, I have stopped caring about what I look like in pictures. I am a very logical person, and logically, it made sense that I should want to look good in pictures as it presented myself in the most attractive way possible. I knew ladies were judging me by my Facebook pictures, because I know I was judging them on their Facebook pictures (It's easier if I can assume everyone is as shallow as me).
But now I'm married. I no longer need to attract ladies. That is why I don't really care what I look like in pictures. My wife makes me take pictures with her, and she gives me the courtesy of seeing if I like how I appear, but it really doesn't matter. If I look good, that's nice, but I honestly prefer looking poor in pictures. If my wife looks great, and I look like shit, people will just assume I have mad game, and that's way better than just being a normal, attractive dude with an attractive wife.
Now, that being said, my wife better look good, as she is a reflection of me. If she looks like shit, it makes me look like shit, so she needs to have her shit together. But honey, if you're reading this, you always look great, and I love you so much.
So I'm totally cool with pictures now. Got a zit? Who cares? One eye is halfway open and it looks like I'm having a stroke? I'm good. Wing sauce all over my face, because I'm a 30-year-old who eats like a baby? No problem. Outside of having love and affection from a person who genuinely cares for you, not caring what I look like in pictures may be my second favorite part of marriage.
I have always been a huge supporter of self-confidence, and not just confidence, but flat out cockiness. This has manifested in my personality. I love me some me, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm also self-aware, and I understand that I am an incredibly vain person.
Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy looking at beautiful women, but following closely behind (and it is a very close race) is staring at myself in the mirror. I adjust my body to different angles to find out where my muscles pop the most. I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing this.
None of what I have mentioned is inherently good, but my vanity is the main reason I am in shape. I love popping my shirt off and enjoying the view, so my wife is a lucky lady to get that same view.
Basically, all I am saying is that if you are superficial when it comes to looks, you should pursue people who are vain, because they are far more likely to stay in shape than people who stay in shape for sports. Sports go away, vanity is forever.
So I had to get some new dress pants this weekend, because, like Ric Flair, I just gotta style and profile. I thought this was going to be an easy experience, as it usually is not too painful. My biggest issue is that I have a small waist but some big ol’ gangsta thighs, so pants often hug my legs like spandex.
Well, this was my biggest issue until my most recent excursion. I decided to get a couple pairs of 30W 30L and went to the dressing room to see how tight they would be on my legs. I put on the pants, and the legs felt a little snug but not too bad. I went to hook my pants up and realized that I was unable to. That's odd; I have been a 30W for as long as I can remember, and these pants were not even coming close.
I had just ate half a pizza about an hour before, so I was not feeling in tip-top shape, and these pants not fitting did not help. I didn't know what to do. I have been working out at least six days a week. Up until a few weeks ago, I was going on anywhere from 12-18 mile runs. I'll admit I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm still in pretty good shape. Why was this happening?
I tried on another pair, and I was able to squeeze into them, although it was not a comfortable fit. I finally bit the bullet and got a pair of 32s. They were a tad loose; I feel like 31 is my wheelhouse, but those are pretty tough to find when you are always trying to go cheap.
At this point, things really sunk in. I was in a haze. I could barely function at this point. I had the goal of getting new dress shoes as well, but I was in no shape to do any more shopping. I could barely speak as I made my purchase of my new pants. I bring this up only to mention what a giant bitch I was being. 32W is still very skinny and nothing to worry about, but I let this affect me for the next few hours.
I wish this had a happy ending where I became a grownup and did not worry about my waist size not being quite as small as it used to, but it doesn't. I'm still obsessing over it, which means I'm switching up my workout plan. I woke up Sunday morning and went for a run in eight degree weather. It sucked really bad, but it was a necessary step.
One day, maybe I will become a well-adjusted adult who can handle small things like that without it greatly changing my daily routine, but that day ain't today. Now I'm gonna go do some Yoga and get my zen on.
