The Hottest and Coldest Takes on LeBron James

Hot takes are all the rage these days, and it would be irresponsible for me to not teach all of you the ins and outs of the take world. I will do this by taking something that everyone has a take on, LeBron James's legacy. Some hot takes have him as the greatest thing since the steam engine; others say he's overrated. What I am looking to do is take the hottest of takes and eventually work it down to the coolest of takes. Let's take a trip down the Take Turnpike and see where we exit.

Take: LeBron James is the greatest basketball player ever and could take any four guys and beat the Dream Team. 

This is a very hot take, but it is so extreme that people know to keep their distance from this take. It's the sun. We know it's so hot that we're not even going to touch it. People will likely insult you while staying away from your take if you make it this hot.

Take: LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan.

This take actually may be even hotter as invoking Jordan's name inevitably brings out a lot of emotion in people. I will admit that my fingers were burning a little bit as they moved across my keyboard. This take is a hot stove, and the people around you are children. They know the stove is hot, but they have to touch it to find out exactly how hot it is. This is a take that will immediately spark debate, and the great thing is this debate will never be settled, because it can never be settled. Even though this is not the hottest, it is the worst take in that it will make both people who get involved in the debate worse people by the end with neither budging an inch on their side of the take.

Take: LeBron James is a great basketball player. 

Now we're getting into some tamer takes. LeBron James seems like a great basketball player at first glance. Still, this take has some spice to it, as people love to complain that the league has gone soft, and LeBron would have never made it in the 80s (always the 80s, despite just about everything in the 80s being terrible). Those guys played the game the right way, and they weren't buddies with their opponents. This take is a jalapeno. It's got enough spice to it that you wouldn't want to rub it in your eye.

Take: LeBron James is a good basketball player.

Okay, this is a fair take. It would take a real asshole to argue that LeBron James is not a good basketball player. Still, it's possible, especially with the 80s toughness argument. Instead of using that to say he wouldn't be great, it's just as easy to say he never would have made it in the NBA facing real tough guys like Bill Laimbeer and Kevin McHale (yes, all arguments against LeBron must also have a tinge of racism in them; I don't make the rules, but I must follow them). Still, this is not a hot take compared to the (racist) alternative. It's basically the equivalent of putting some fresh ground pepper on your meal.

Take: LeBron James is a basketball player.

Now that's a cool take. It is impossible to argue with this statement. Well, almost impossible. I mean, at the moment you are reading this, he might be taking a shower or reading to his kids. I can take a shower and read, but it doesn't make me a basketball player. There is no way to predict the future and say that he will ever play again. He might just be a professional clean guy or book reader. On top of that, language is fluid, so definitions are constantly in flux. What we today consider a basketball player may turn into a completely different meaning down the line. Still, this is about as spicy as a glass of orange juice.

Take: LeBron James was considered a basketball player during his career in what was known as the National Basketball Association, although the meanings of basketball and the NBA as a whole is in constant flux and is no way set in stone for eternity, or even the next hour. 

Finally, we have reached the coolest take. There is no argument here, just a cold glass of milk that can cool down even the hottest of takes on LeBron James.

Both hot and cool takes are a tricky world, so please leave them to the professionals like PFT Commenter and...yeah, probably just PFT Commenter.

I Want to Hang Out with The Fabulous Freebirds

Being born in 1984, the entire 80s is a dark period for me when it comes to WCW wrestling. I either remember or have rewatched numerous times the important matches from the WWE, but that era of WCW is a pretty big dark spot in my knowledge of pro wrestling history. Watching the WWE Network has been fantastic in that I have learned so much about that era of WCW. Maybe the most important thing that I have learned is there may not be a group of pro wrestlers that I would rather hang out with than the Fabulous Freebirds.

Although their ring work would never win any awards, these guys understood that wrestling is sports entertainment as they knew how to entertain a crowd. Although purists probably consider Buddy Roberts as a true Freebird, for my money, there was no greater combination than Michael P.S. (Pure Sexy) Hayes, Terry Gordy, and Jimmy "Jam" Garvin (who was also referred to as "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin).

Jimmy Garvin is the happiest person on the planet. They did a promo after wrestling to a time-limit draw, and all he could do was talk about how great a draw was. He admitted that it wasn't as good as a win, but it's still pretty damn good. Also, Michael P.S. Hayes was a guy I only remember late in his career when he had lost a step (or 30), but he was pretty great in his prime. Those two guys were originators in the field of West Coast Dance as they would take turns dancing as the other one just aggressively pointed at him. It was wonderful. Then Terry Gordy was one of the ugliest people ever, but a total bruiser. He was rightfully phased out, so Garvin and Hayes could follow their true destiny and become the hard partying rock stars of wrestling.

To simplify it, the best I can do is a comparison to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can just about guarantee that Michael Hayes used the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, Jimmy Garvin used the M.A.C. and Gordy took the scraps. I guess this makes Buddy Roberts Rickety Cricket and DDP is Schmitty.

Guys, if you're reading this, I'm near the Tampa area, and my offer stands to party. I'll supply the booze, you supply the stories, and together, we'll have one hell of a time (And if you need chicks, we can go to a strip club, just don't tell my wife). 

Everything You Need To Know About The Furious 7 Trailer

Two minutes and forty-two seconds. It doesn't sound like much time. It is less than 1/20th of an hour. It is only about 1/500th of a day. Overall, that little amount of time really shouldn't matter. Still, any individual second can count, and this weekend, I found something where every one of the 162 seconds matter. The Furious 7 trailer was released, and it is glorious.

Since I am on the verge of dying from anticipation, Lukewarm Jonah sent in his comprehensive breakdown of the Furious 7 trailer:

So I don’t think I’m overstating the fact that the most important event in human history just happened.  The Fast And Furious 7 trailer dropped.  I’m going to break down the trailer with as much detail and thought that a super fan like myself can.

The trailer starts out with Dom (Vin Diesel) talking on the CB radio to his crew.  The shot goes from him, to Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), to Roman (Tyrese) and we hear from Tej (Ludacris) who is asking Roman if he’s freaking out which he clearly is.  Now why is Roman freaking out so much?  I mean they’re all in cars, it’s basically where they live.  It’s no stretch to call them the greatest team of drivers ever.  Roman says he’s not freaking out but Tej calls him out and he and Brian O’ Connor (Paul Walker) have a good laugh.  Roman wants someone to walk him through what they’re supposed to be doing.  Come on Roman know the plan, I mean you’re probably just driving and pulling off a heist or something get those butterflies out of your stomach.  The red light goes off, some sort of rear door opens and we get to see everyone in some sweet rides.

Cut to an exterior shot of an airplane!?  What the hell?  They’re in an airplane?  In cars?  Now this I’ve got to see.  I mean they have a lot of experience in airplaning from the last movie, but I didn’t see any doomsday devices handed out.  O’ Connor says “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better” to his boy Dom.  Dom says “Here we go” while Roman provides some comic relief by blessing himself.  What is going on here?  Holy shit they throw the cars in reverse and skydive out of a fucking plane, IN CARS!  Parachutes deploy and they make it onto the road no problem.  Tej sums it up better than I ever could, “Hell Yeah!”  I would just like to take a minute and point out that the trailer starts with the crew skydiving out of a plane in cars.  That’s the start, we’re just ramping up from here.

The crew is now driving on a road, all normal like, when they pull up on a bus.  Oh we’ve seen this before.  Clearly they’re going to be taking this bus down.  Are they springing someone from a prison bus?  Pulling off a big heist?  Who knows?  But we all know that if there’s one thing that Dom and the crew can do it’s pretty much anything they want involving moving vehicles.  But “Oh Shiiii….” Tej again has the perfect words for this situation.  The bus presses a magic button and guns come out of the side and start firing.  O’ Connor’s car is lit up with gun fire and he seems to pull off to the side.  But no big deal, reunited lovers Dom and Letty “Hook ‘em up” and fire gatlings into the bus and pull off the back with a little help from Tej’s magic button and the power of brakes.  Dom says Brian is up, but wait a minute I thought he pulled over.

Naw girl, he’s freaking surfing on his bullet hole ridden car while being pushed by Tej’s hummer.  So he hops into the bus taking some chump down in the process.  While it’s not shown, it’s safe to assume he takes down the other jabronis on the bus and shoots a lock on a door, pulls the hood off of some person, and surprise, it’s an attractive female.  Brian, being the all american good guy, tells her they’re going to get her out of there.  She has to jump onto the hood of Dom’s car and really seems to have no problem doing so.  She screams, but I assume Dom uses his super driving skills to chill her out.  But there’s a problem.  With all the jabronis Brian took down, there’s no one driving the bus and it flips!

The bus rides along the road on its side for a little bit before coming to rest.  Whew!  That was a close one.  Oh did I forget to mention that it comes to a rest over the edge of a cliff?  Because that’s exactly what it does.  O’ Connor hops out the door which is the part that’s hanging over a cliff.  He climbs up the side of the bus like a boss but the rocks are starting to crumble.  He breaks out in a dead sprint across the bus while it’s falling over the cliff.  Things look bleak, but Letty is racing towards the bus.  She power slides as Brian is still running across the falling bus.  He leaps and catches the spoiler on Letty’s powersliding car.  Holy shit looks like he made it out of this one safe and sound.  The bus falls off the cliff and all those kidnapping dickheads on board presumably fall to a terrible death.  And that’s the end of the trailer.  Or is it?  It’s not.  No all of this insane action has happened in about the first minute and a half.  How are they going to top all this?  Strap yourself in and get ready for a hell of a ride.

Dom’s on the phone with some limey who killed Han (Sung Kan).  The limey says that Dom doesn’t know him but he’s about to and the scene where he crashes into Han and walks away is shown.  The tea sipper is shown to be Jason Statham.  Dom tells his crew that it looks like the sins of London have followed them home.  Also of note, new rescued girl is with the crew now.

Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes his first appearance and you know business is about to pick up.  He explains that new foreinger is Owen Shaw’s “Big bad brother.”  Man, Dom and his crew have horrible luck.  It seems like every movie they keep running into someone bigger and badder than before.  I have a theory that Fast 8 will feature Owen’s brother Deckard’s bigger badder cousins, Nic Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme.  Also as you just read, Hobbs’ file contains the name Deckard Shaw, so it’s safe to assume that’s Statham’s character.  We get a couple seconds of Deckard being a badass against some randoms, just to establish how tough he really is.

Tej makes a statement that really sums up what’s going on “We’re being hunted.”  Look I don’t care how tough you are, how tough your brother is, you’re not going to hunt down Dom’s crew.  They show shots of Dom, Hobbs, and O’ Connor getting ready by having some sweet/giant guns and bullet proof vests.  It’s interesting to note that O’Connor is wearing an FBI vest, so at least O’Connor is back on the legit side of the law.  After this, there is a very poignant shot of Dom and O’Connor where Dom states “One last ride.”  Sadly, Walker’s death does mean that this is truly their last ride together.

Cut to shots of insane cars driving… in the desert????  I know it’s the desert because there’s a shot of sand and camels.  What have the guys gotten themselves into now?  Oh there’s an insane party going on with gold painted girls and quite possibly Little John DJing while a bunch of presumably rich people throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Cut to a shot of the crew dressed to the nines.  Tuxes, suits, dresses, they are straight crushing walking down stairs.

Cut to a shot of a car race, where Dom’s Charger can be seen.  I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he wins the race.  Good news, there’s also a sweet shot of some booty as a chick bends over and drops the scarf to start the race.  Letty’s driving, then there’s some red and an explosion.  Gunfire in that red building, then cut to a shot of Dom driving his Charger.  Lots of Fast and Furious action going on here.  We see that Dom has a cut on his hand as he shifts, I assume from backhanding some bad guy too much.  The word vengeance hits the screen and we go back to the real star of the movie, Hobbs.

Hobbs utters possibly the greatest line ever spoken by anyone, “Daddy’s got to go to work.”  Oh and work he does.  His arm is in a cast which is very confusing.  My theory is that Shaw blindsided Hobbs just like he did to Han.  Only Shaw was driving a tank, Hobbs was just standing around, and he had just finished drinking a kryptonite smoothie.  Seems like the most logical way Hobbs could end up with a broken arm.  So it’s tough to tell if Hobbs rips the cast off, or just simply flexes and breaks it apart.  But the message is clear, Hobbs doesn’t let a minor setback like broken bones slow him down.  Now he fights some dude with a shaved head that at first I assumed was Shaw, but upon pausing the trailer, it looks like just some random jabroni that a smackdown must be laid down upon.  Hobbs makes this guy look like a punk even with one arm and punches him through a glass window.

We get a shot of Shaw looking tough with a gun, as a familiar voice, Kurt Russell, tells Dom something that sounds like, “This is a world that doesn’t play by your rules.”  Followers of Dom know that he has a code, and spoiler alert, we’ll hear more about that code later on in the trailer.  It’s not all “Show me how and drive and I’ll show you who you are.”

More quick cuts, Shaw shoots a gun, possibly at a sick red car that’s driving in a sick house.  Hobbs is firing a gatling gun, just like Roadblock in GI Joe.  Letty’s in a red dress, Dom’s in a tux with Letty in a red dress, kidnap victim is coming out of the water in a bikini as Roman and Tej look on.  A helicopter flies, O’Connor drives a car like a champ.  Dom and Shaw appear to have samuri swords in each hand as they fly at each other.  Shaw’s sweet ride is wrecked while Dom’s Charger seems to be in pretty solid shape.

The next shot has Shaw against the cement part of a street light with Dom winding up for a home run swing.  Sadly, it appears that Dom is swinging a crowbar and not a samurai sword.  He misses and explodes the concrete.  Smart fans will remember that Dom is especially deadly with wrenches, so it makes sense he’s a complete badass with a crowbar as well.  The trailer then shows shots of Tej, Roman, Letty, and the first shot of Mia (Jordanna Brewster) O’Connor’s wife and Dom’s sister.  She looks concerned, and I mean super concerned.  Kurt Russell’s voice speaks over these shots and tells Dom, “Like it or not, you and your friends are part of this now.”  Dom responds with the wisdom that cannot be taught or learned, it has to be God given.  “I don’t have friends, I got family.”  Boom!  Suck on that Shaw, you and your brother may have been blood, but you don’t have shit on Dom and his family.  Cut to a long shot of O’Connor and Roman in the background.  Furious 7, weird title, coming April 2015.

And that’s your trailer folks.  I’m writing this from my smart phone as I’m already camped out in line for the movie.  If you have any other questions please feel free to ask, because I feel that I’m the foremost expert on all things Fast and or Furious.

What Does Jose Canseco's Missing Middle Finger Mean For His Career?

News of Jose Canseco shooting off his middle finger has the whole world in mourning. It took me a while to gather my thoughts. Jose is a very emotional person, but emotional people need logical people to balance them out, so instead of the emotional take of me cutting my own middle finger off to donate to Jose, I have decided to take the rational take.

What does this mean for Jose Canseco's career?

Baseball
We will start with the obvious in discussing his baseball career. Jose assured the world that he could still hit 40 home runs in the major leagues if he was just given a chance. Most people openly laughed at this belief, and I was laughing too; I thought that number was way too low. Turns out other people thought it was too high. This made me think that he probably had it just right. This is the easiest one to figure out. Since he would hit 40 home runs with ten fingers, but now he only has nine fingers, he would still hit 9/10 of the home runs he predicted. So a team should definitely still sign him.
Conclusion: 36 home runs.

Writing
Jose Canseco is a published author who is known for his inventive spellings and sayings on Twitter. Now that he is typing while missing a vital finger, clearly he can't be as great as he once was, but I still believe him to be great. He's been going on a tweeting spree referring to Leila as his fiance which would imply that she is a man. Blowing off a finger can only end in one way for Jose Canseco's writing future.
Conclusion: All the misspelled words.

Mixed Martial Arts
Although Canseco's record may indicate that he has fallen short in the world of fighting, don't let these stat nerds fool you. Canseco fears no man, and if you think Jose will ever stop challenging Shaq to a fight, you have another thing coming. Obviously losing a finger will make things incredibly difficult for Jose, but don't ever count him out. Nick Newell has done incredible things while missing half of his arm. Since Jose is only missing a finger, I think I know how this story ends.
Conclusion: UFC Champion

So, yeah, I think things are going to turn out a-ok for Jose. Best of luck to him on a speedy recovery.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Eight

And so we have finally made it to the final part of our journey. For a quick review of where we have been:

For a review of where we have been so far:

Part One - The Draft
Part Two - The Start of the Season
Part Three - Becoming a Seller
Part Four - The Rebuild
Part Five - The Trade Deadline
Part Six - The Stretch Run
Part Seven - The Playoffs

At this point, there is nothing to be done but to review the performance. Since I feel like the absolute maximum anyone could write about their fantasy team is seven parts, I have made this eighth part my longest part of the story. First off, here is the team I started with and what happened to each player.

14 Ryan Braun, Mil OF - Traded
23 Evan Longoria, TB 3B - Traded
26 Joey Votto, Cin 1B - Released
38 Justin Upton, Atl OF  
54 Zack Greinke, LAD SP - Traded
78 Masahiro Tanaka, NYY SP - Traded
83 Wilin Rosario, Col C 
91 Matt Cain, SF SP - Released
98 Cole Hamels, Phi SP  
115 Chase Utley, Phi 2B  
126 Jose Abreu, CWS 1B  
134 Jedd Gyorko, SD 2B  
139 Danny Salazar, Cle SP - Released but then added again.
146 B.J. Upton, Atl OF  
150 David Robertson, NYY RP  
163 Leonys Martin, Tex OF  
179 Koji Uehara, Bos RP - Traded
187 Chris Tillman, Bal SP - Released
198 Chris Carter, Hou 1B  
235 Jose Veras, Hou RP - Released
246 Mike Moustakas, KC 3B - Released
259 Ubaldo Jimenez, Bal SP - Released
270 Josh Johnson, SD SP - Released
283 Edwin Jackson, ChC SP - Released
294 Derek Jeter, NYY SS - Released

Now what my team ended up at and how I was able to acquire all of them:

Wilin Rosario, Col C - Draft
Chris Carter, Hou 1B - Draft
Chase Utley, Phi 2B - Draft
Pablo Sandoval, SF 3B - Trade
J.J. Hardy, Bal SS - Trade
Jedd Gyorko, SD 2B - Draft
Jose Abreu, CWS 1B - Draft
B.J. Upton, Atl OF - Draft
Leonys Martin, Tex OF - Draft
Ben Revere, Phi OF - Free Agency
Gregory Polanco, Pit OF - Trade
Jorge Soler, ChC OF - Free Agency
Justin Upton, Atl OF - Draft
Eric Hosmer, KC 1B - Waivers
Sean Doolittle, Oak RP - Free Agency
Danny Salazar, Cle SP Draft/Free Agency
Kevin Quackenbush, SD RP - Free Agency
Cole Hamels, Phi SP - Draft
Alex Cobb, TB SP - Trade
David Robertson, NYY RP - Draft
Hector Rondon, ChC RP - Free Agency
Marcus Stroman, Tor RP - Free Agency
Jake Arrieta, ChC SP - Free Agency
Jake Odorizzi, TB SP - Free Agency
Justin Verlander, Det SP - Trade

Be honest, you're wondering how in the hell I came one Jordan Zimmermann no-hitter from getting a championship? I seriously don't know either. Chase Utley had the most at bats for my team, and that does not compare to the pitching fact of not having a single pitcher get me double digit wins this season. 

First off, I'm going to look at my active stats leaders to see who were my biggest contributors:

At Bats: 
1. Chase Utley - 589
2. Justin Upton - 566
3. Jose Abreu - 556
Yep, Chase Utley played the most for my team. He was totally fine. Luckily, the next two guys were pretty great. Oh, and if you're wondering why I didn't sell Justin Upton early on, it's because I can't split up the brothers. If I end up drafting Justin again next year, I will end up drafting BJ too, even though I know it is a terrible idea.

Runs:
1. Jose Abreu - 80
2. Justin Upton - 77
3. Chase Utley - 74
Yeah, so if you have the most at bats, you will likely be able to lead in things like runs. Jose Abreu is great. That will only become clearer as we go through the other categories.

Home Runs:
1. Jose Abreu - 36
2. Chris Carter - 34
3. Justin Upton - 29
Although I kept Chris Carter the entire year, it doesn't mean that I kept him in the lineup the entire year, so I missed out on a few of his homers. These home run numbers are actually pretty good, but it should be noted that the next most on my team was 12. So yeah, there was a slight dropoff after this point.

RBI:
1. Jose Abreu - 107
2. Justin Upton - 102
3. Chris Carter - 82
No surprises here after looking at the home run lead. Fun fact about my RBI list is that Ben Revere had over 400 at bats for my team and knocked in 19 runners, while Jorge Soler had 89 at bats and was able to knock in 20.

Stolen Bases:
1. Ben Revere - 34
2. Leonys Martin - 30
3. BJ Upton - 20
See? BJ Upton is not completely useless; he is only very useless.

Batting Average:
Josmil Pinto - .400
Jose Abreu - .317
Ben Revere - .313
I had Josmil Pinto for eight games early on in the season, and it was probably his best eight game stretch of the entire year. Thanks, Josmil. We couldn't have made it without you. Another fun fact is that Ryan Braun hit .309 for my team and ended up with a .266 average. Apparently his new team had a toxic clubhouse.

Obviously, my hitting was not great, but let's look at my pitching leaders, because I must have done something right there.

Innings Pitched:
1. Cole Hamels - 191.1
2. Nate Eovaldi - 180.1
3. Marcus Storman - 115.1
We were not able to manage a 200 inning pitcher. The other thing that jumps out is that there is a big dropoff after those top two pitchers as there was a lot of upheaval on the pitching side. By the end, my pitching was strong, but early on, I had a lot of jabronies taking the mound for my team.

Strikeouts:
1. Cole Hamels - 185
2. Nate Eovaldi - 126
3. Jake Arrieta - 118
Despite pitching 73 more innings, Nate Eovaldi was only able to beat Jake Arrieta by eight strikeouts. Marcus Stroman and Danny Salazar were he only other two guys to hit triple digits.

Wins:
1. Cole Hamels - 9
1. Marcus Stroman - 9
3. Jake Arrieta - 8
3. Masahiro Tanaka - 8
Cole Hamels pitched an entire year with a 2.49 ERA and only managed nine wins. The Phillies clearly hate him and should trade him to the Cubs for Chris Coghlan. Also notable is that Tanaka spent two months on my team and nearly led everyone in Wins. Thanks for all of your help, Masahiro.

Saves:
1. David Robertson - 37
2. Hector Rondon - 26
3. Sean Doolittle - 16
No surprise here, as Robertson was the only closer that was on my roster the entire year. Rondon and Doolittle were both valuable additions.

ERA:
1. Kevin Quackenbush - 0.00
2. Koji Uehara - 0.76
3. Jonathan Broxton - 1.13
4. Masahiro Tanaka - 2.06
5. Alex Cobb - 2.15
Kevin Quackenbush was my final addition of the season, and he never gave up a run in three innings, so nice job there, Kevin. Koji  pitched 23.2 of dominant baseball before getting traded, and Broxton proved very valuable before Aroldis Chapman came back and took over the Closer role. I expanded this list to five to include Masahiro Tanaka who was so much fun to own early on this year and Alex Cobb who just dominated throughout the second half of the season.

WHIP:
1. Sean Doolittle - 0.71
2. Jaime Garcia - 0.71
3. Koji Uehara - 0.80
4. Jake Arrieta - 0.87
Jaime Garcia only lasted one start with my team before being traded, but at least he had a great WHIP in that game. Also, I expanded this field to show just how great Jake Arrieta was. He was really great. I'm already sad that I likely will not have him next year.

Looking through my leaders, it is pretty clear that Jose Abreu was my most valuable player, while Cole Hamels was probably my most valuable pitcher. Instead, let's end this with the guys that buried my team throughout the year with the 20 least valuable players that I had on my team throughout this season.

20. Joey Votto - He hit .255 with 6 home runs, and since I already had him at first base, I took Matt Cain instead of Anthony Rizzo.

19. Edwin Jackson - Jackson had a 5.02 ERA, a super high WHIP and only one win. Luckily, I got him on a relative hot streak, since his overall numbers ended up much worse.

18. Nate Eovaldi - Overall, he was only below average, but he managed to stay on my team from his first start right up until the final week of the season. He managed to be just good enough to not be dropped. Also, living in Florida throughout the season, I was able to watch him anytime I wanted, and every time I watched, he was just awful. Maybe it's my fault.

17. BJ Upton - The only guy on this list that managed to stay on my team for the entire season. He only managed 12 home runs while hitting .206. Luckily, he got 20 stolen bases, which isn't great, but it is something positive and enough to keep him low on this list.

16. Drew Hutchison - He came on my team at the right time, as it took a lot for somebody to get dropped, as I just didn't have the moves to get rid of guys. Also, he struck people out, and I am a total strikeout whore. Unfortunately, He had an ERA of nearly 5 and a WHIP of 1.36. Oh yeah, and outside of some flashy performances, he really wasn't all that great at striking dudes out. I finally traded him, and he started doing a whole lot better. He must have just not wanted to be a part of a winning culture.

15. Josh Willingham - He hit .198 in 62 games for my team after being a throw-in in the Ryan Braun deal. He did hit ten home runs, which wasn't too bad. He actually earns positive points for being so bad that I dropped him instead of getting rid of Chris Carter.

14. Chris Tillman - Man, I tried to hold onto Tillman as long as I could. Finally, after 71 innings of 5.20 ERA and a 1.51 WHIP, I finally had to replace him. He proceeded to dominate after that, somehow lowering his ERA to 3.34 and his WHIP to 1.23. I did not know he was that good until looking up these stats. That very much sucks. I will likely not be rooting for Chris Tillman anytime soon.

13. Jorge De La Rosa - He was a throw-in on one of my selling trades, and he performed like one in his only start, going 5.1 innings and giving up five runs. He did have five strikeouts, so that was nice at least.

12. Joe Smith - Another throw-in. He managed .2 innings, gave up a run and three hits. He may have been the worst pitcher on a per inning basis, but considering he had less than an inning, he didn't have enough time to be that negative of a presence.

11. Juan Francisco - This ends the trifecta of throw-ins. He played one game, was 0/4. He provided no positive value, but at least his negative value was limited.

10. Josh Reddick - With Reddick's rampant support of the Ultimate Warrior, I wanted him to stay on my team, but he hit under .200 in 24 games for my team. Also, I saw him in person during that stretch and he played like garbage which was the nail in the coffin for me to drop him. At least he improved after that.

9. Ubaldo Jimenez - I kept him for 21.1 innings, and he provided me with a 6.75 ERA and nearly a WHIP of 2. He shockingly was unable to get a win while pitching like that. Somehow, there were nine guys that I deemed worse than him.

8. Sergio Santos - Santos has been a guy that I have liked for a while, because he throws hard and has the proven closer label which inevitably means he will get more chances. Casey Janssen was hurt to start this year, so Santos stepped into the closer role, and he may have lost his proven closer label because of it. He managed to give up 11 earned runs in 8.1 innings. Somehow, he still managed five saves, but amazingly he never really got better this season, so at least he lost his closer role early enough to not completely destroy my pitching staff.

7. Jedd Gyorko - This one hurts, as I love Jedd Gyorko, which only gave him more of a chance to hurt me. Gyorko was awful at the beginning of the season, and I never even considered dropping him. Despite a lengthy DL stint, he still finished eighth in games played for my team. Obviously, looking back, I wish I wouldn't have drafted him and just picked him up when someone inevitably released him, but that didn't happen, and it turns out he was not the solution.

6. Mike Moustakas - 109 at bats, just 16 hits. He did hit four home runs, so that was something.

5. Mike Olt - I feel like Mike Olt had some good stretches early on this season. None of those moments happened for my team as he went 3/28 for a .107 average and zero home runs. I have actually liked Mike Olt for a while. That is why he was initially lower on this list, and this may still be generous. He was really terrible for my team.

4. Jose Veras - He was given the Closer's job for the Cubs, yet could not manage a save before being demoted and eventually released. He did manage 12.27 ERA. At least I waited and picked up Hector Rondon to be my replacement Closer. Otherwise, he would make a strong case for the #1 spot.

3. Tanner Scheppers - I picked him up at the beginning of the season, because if the Rangers believed in him enough to make him their opening day starter, then surely he would succeed. Four innings and seven earned runs later, he was quickly dropped. Good for him on getting his ERA down to an even 9.00 by the end of the year.

2. Luis Valbuena - Valbuena was brought in when both Chris Owings and Jedd Gyorko were on the DL, and I needed some second base help. Somehow, he performed even worse than Gyorko by batting just .159 in 21 games. I'm really glad I was not a believer in Josh Harrison and went with Valbuena instead.

1. Justin Masterson - Expecting Justin Masterson to immediately turn his fortunes around when joining the Cardinals seemed like a likely outcome to me. Turns out, the Cardinals could not fix his issues. He was the hottest of garbage with an ERA of nearly 8 in 28 innings for my team. The positive was that he was hurting the Cardinals; the negative was that I traded for him and chose Masterson over getting Trevor Bauer in the deal. And, just want to put this on the record: If the Cubs sign him this offseason, there is a 100% chance I end up drafting him two rounds before anybody would even consider him. Why do we love the ones that hurt us?

And that wraps it up. The longest fantasy baseball story ever told is over. I would congratulate the ones who made it to the end, but I highly doubt anyone did. Still, if you did, thanks a lot. Thanks a whole bunch, because fantasy sports stories are boring, and my writing isn't good enough to completely save it, so this was a long, hard journey that you completed. You are a great friend and mentor. All I'm really trying to say in this final paragraph is, "Thanks for reading, Mom."

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Seven

For a review of where we have been so far:

Part One - The Draft
Part Two - The Start of the Season
Part Three - Becoming a Seller
Part Four - The Rebuild
Part Five - The Trade Deadline
Part Six - The Stretch Run

And that leads us to the playoffs. By hook or by crook, with a whole lot of luck thrown in, my team not only made the playoffs but secured a first round bye. In an ironic twist, my opponent would come out of the two teams that I sold off my best assets to. It was the Greinke/Longoria/Uehara trifecta that bested the Braun/Tanaka combo.

In the biggest game of the season, my offense let the moment overwhelm them. Only Ben Revere, Jorge Soler, Eric Hosmer, and Leonys Martin had what could be described as average or better weeks. Meanwhile, our opponents were crushing the ball. We lost by 6 runs, 10 home runs, 20 RBI, 27 points of batting average, and a single stolen base. Only the last one really hurt, as it was necessary to get the victory. My ragtag group of players gave it their all, but it would not be enough to get a victory...

But my pitching would not be denied. Led by a 13 strikeout, one hitter from Jake Arrieta and two saves and a win for both David Robertson and Hector Rondon, my pitching managed to dominate in four categories. But, due to two pickups immediately picking up saves for my opponent, we were tied in Saves going into Sunday. I had one move left, and I had to decide whether it would be worth using it. Ultimately, I decided that I have to make the championship to win the championship, and I pulled the trigger to pick up interim San Diego Padres Closer, Kevin Quackenbush. He did not get a Save, but luckily, David Robertson did which locked up every pitching category for my team. The week would end in a 5-5 tie. Despite us having the same record, my seed was higher and hence I would be moving on to lead my team into the championship.

The odds were stacked against me in the championship. I was not only playing the number one seed, but he also had seven moves left to secure players as he pleased in the final week. This was another part of my reasoning to pick up Quackenbush as I could use Saves in the final week but stats like Wins and Ks would be tough to get since he could add pitchers as he pleased.

Still, my pitching was strong, and I figured my offense would bounce back after a lousy week. One of these things would prove true. Offensively, both teams were bad. Still, by the end of the week, he pulled away in RBI and average, but I pulled away in stolen bases. Saturday, he solidified his lead in runs. Meanwhile, despite all of his possible moves (he would end up using all seven), my pitching was proving strong. I took care of business in saves thanks to Quackenbush and Robertson getting a save, Rondon getting three, and Stroman adding a 4 inning save in there for good measure. I also had big leads in ERA and WHIP but barring a miracle, he was going to be too much for me in strikeouts.

Going into Sunday, a chance of getting the outright victory was slim. Unless my team got some major power on the final day, I would not be able to close his home run lead, so he was going to win five categories. Still, I could force the tie and split the big winnings for the championship as there are no tiebreakers in the championship round. I had three starters going, he had two, but I had a one win lead. With Cole Hamels, Alex Cobb, and Danny Salazar, I felt great about my chances.

Unfortunately, before the early games started, Salazar was a late scratch so they did not give him too many innings. It was 2 on 2 at this point, but I had what were likely my two best pitchers. Alex Cobb finally ran out of steam, as he had a pour outing against Salazar's replacement and the rest of the Cleveland Indians. Meanwhile, Hamels gave up only two runs in eight innings, but the Phillies only scored one.

One of his pitchers was Jordan Zimmermann, whose team also only gave him one run of support. Unfortunately, that was plenty, as he only allowed one baserunner in a no-hitter on the final day of the season. With all of his extra moves, he was able to get the tie in wins and beat me 5-4-1.

There would be no Natural Light celebrations. There would be no team of destiny stories. We were hard luck losers, but I was still damn proud. Usually, the almost champs never have their story told, but with the heart, determination, and chemistry of 25 guys coming together to make a team deserved to have their story shared with the world.

There are so many things that I could expound on, but let's take a break until we get to part eight of the longest fantasy baseball story ever told.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Six

For a review of where we have been so far:

Part One - The Draft
Part Two - The Start of the Season
Part Three - Becoming a Seller
Part Four - The Rebuild
Part Five - The Trade Deadline

So did all of my moves pay off? Immediately, things were looking pretty good. I was facing a playoff team with the likes of Stanton, Altuve, and Felix, but my team took them behind the woodshed and put a beating on them. Chris Carter led the offense by providing 6 runs, two home runs, seven RBI, and even a stolen base all while batting over .300. On the pitching side, Odorizzi, Salazar, Hamels, Arrieta, and Stroman were all on point. It was an 8-1-1 victory and my fifth straight win.

That matchup was the beginning of the toughest stretch of the season, as it was the first of five straight weeks against every team that would be in the playoffs. Next up was the team that I traded Carlos Gomez to (whoops) as well as Longoria, Greinke, and Uehara. He had won four in a row, and we were tied in the standings so I needed this one. Luckily I had Chris Carter to hit three homers, and Utley, Sandoval, and recent acquisition, JJ Hardy, to add two apiece. The pitching was nearly as good with Eovaldi, Odorizzi, Stroman, and Hamels all adding dominant starts to carry my team to a dominant 7-1-2 victory.

After that, it was time to play the first place team. They hadn't lost in seven weeks. Chris Carter came up big again as he hit four home runs during the week. Jake Arrieta led the pitching staff with two strong starts during the week, yet it was still close going into Sunday. I held a slight lead going into Sunday, but luck was not on my side. I scored a solid 6 runs on Sunday, but he scored 10 to take the lead in that category. While I hit .269 on the final day, he hit .365 to take a .007 advantage in batting average. And finally, despite having Salazar and Arrieta giving up a combined two runs, neither got a win, while he managed to get a win out of Neftali Feliz to take over the lead in that category. My team put up a strong week, but it was not enough, as we lost 6-4.

I was tied for third, but just a game out of second place with three weeks left. Luckily, I would be playing that second place team the following week, and my team was not one to let a single loss get them down, it just made them more determined. This week wasn't pretty, but we managed a solid enough performance. Justin Upton had 11 RBI, and Ben Revere and Leonys Martin combined for five stolen bases to help the offense, while Hector Rondon managed four saves to give me the 7-6 edge, and a 6-4 victory.

Unfortunately, that week also marked Gregory Polanco getting sent down the minors. Since I knew he would be called up in about a week when rosters expanded, I was not ready to get rid of him. My DL spots got filled up by Sean Doolittle getting hurt, so it was time to get rid of some wasted space and boost my outfield. Luckily, the perfect guy just called up to the majors.

I dropped Matt Cain and acquired Jorge Soler in free agency.

I was down to only two moves, and unfortunately, Wilin Rosario was hitting the DL meaning that I would have to get another catcher, so I picked up Travis d'Arnaud while finally ridding my team of Joey Votto.

He had won four in a row, but my team would not let him make it five. Soler and Carter both hit three home runs. Carter did it while hitting .222 while Soler batted .538. Eovaldi, Odorizzi, and Cobb all got double digit strikeouts for the week, which was enough to give me a couple pitching categories. Stolen bases from Ben Revere and Jose Abreu on Sunday were enough to get me a tie in that category for a gritty 5-4-1 victory.

With one week left, there was a three-way tie for second place and an all-important bye in the first round. There would be no drama for my team, as we were playing the worst team in the league, nearly all of my pitchers dominated and Chris Carter added three home runs, while d'Arnaud hit a bomb of his own while hitting over .500. The other two teams won as well, but I had the tiebreaker. This infuriated another member of the league as he felt he should have been #2 or #3 but was instead given the #4 seed. Maybe my favorite moment of the year was him calling me to tell me that he had just talked to ESPN Customer Support to figure out the tiebreakers (turns out it was whoever won the most categories in their matchups throughout the year).

But all that means is that I won nine out of my last ten matchups to earn a bye in the first round despite having the same record as two other teams in the league. It was time to take the week off and let my team rest for the journey ahead, because this Cinderella was ready to wear her slipper. But we will get to all of that in part seven.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Five

There has been a lot that has led up to this point. First off, I drafted a team that did not fully work out as planned. Then, I got some good luck early on in the season and put together a very solid record. After that, my luck ran out, I saw the writing on the wall and traded away most of my top assets. But then, I managed to make some savvy moves and put together a couple wins.

We last left off where I talked about getting Hosmer and Verlander on the team, but there was a third reason that the second week of July was so important for me. That third reason?

Chris Carter turned into a BOSS. In my draft review, I mentioned that only the most die hard Chris Carter fans would actually hold onto him long enough to take advantage of his value. Well, guess who is a massive Chris Carter fanboy? THIS GUY. And oh man, did it pay off. Hosmer and Abreu each hit over .400 and hit two bombs, Chase Utley added two bombs and two stolen bases, and Chris Carter added four homers in six games to help carry my offense to another big victory. It got me to three straight victories going into the All-Star Break and everything seemed to be coming together for my team.

With the post All-Star week being a 10 game marathon stretch, it took a total team effort. It also took an old love coming home.

I reacquired Danny Salazar in free agency.

With Salazar back in the majors, I knew he had to be mine. I had the Google Alert set up for him so I could monitor when he would be coming back. Along with Stroman and Hamels, Salazar added double-digit strikeouts with two wins. Combined with three saves from David Robertson, my offense was able to combine a total team effort to give me the edge in a 5-4-1 victory as my team was able to make up the difference and pull off a tie in RBI on the final day of the week.

With only having three acquisitions remaining and the trade deadline coming on August 1st, I needed to do everything I could to bolster my roster. Well, everything without giving up valuable assets. My first trade was a real blockbuster.

I traded Brad Miller and the right to swap 13th round picks for JJ Hardy.

I made this trade with the same person that I got Gregory Polanco and Justin Verlander from, and I literally couldn't have added less in the deal. His last pick was the 13th round. Also, he ended up picking higher than me, so it turned into Brad Miller for JJ Hardy. Miller was not consistently starting and JJ Hardy could at least provide that while hopefully finding some of his previous power stroke.

And finally, I made one more push to further strengthen my pitching.

I traded Drew Hutchison and a 10th round football pick for Justin Masterson, Alex Cobb, and a 15th round football pick. 

I had wanted Alex Cobb for a really long time, but I wasn't really willing to give up enough to actually get him. Finally, with this team totally out of the playoff picture, they decided to help beef up their football roster and get rid of some pitchers. Justin Masterson had just been traded to St. Louis, and I thought he could turn things around. It turned out I was very wrong about that thought.

I had won four in a row and got creative to add some pieces to both my hitting and pitching. But would it be enough for the stretch run? Tune in next time to find out.