And so we have come to the end of the road. Shit has gotten absolutely ridiculous at this point, and that's not even including that Eric Bischoff made it to the finals. If you made it this far, I'm sorry, but here is the conclusion.
Akam vs. Eric Bischoff
Joe: I think we both know how this final goes down. They square off, and then the music hits. Who’s that coming down the aisle? It’s Lukewarm Jonah, and he knocks both their asses out with a single punch. Mind you, not a punch for each of them, but a single punch that knocks them both out in one fell swoop. Agreed?
Jonah: Yeah I was going to assume that Akam hurt his knee on the way down and needed me to step in, but I can also knock two people out with one punch. The only fight I ever lost was against six or seven guys, so I’m pretty sure I got these two in the bag. Though in my defense, that wasn’t exactly a fight as much as it was six or seven guys surrounding and jumping me and trying to abduct me. I was good enough to avoid being put in a van, I’m good enough to take down one geriatric man. Also, there’s an article about Eric Bischoff where he talks about how rusty his karate skills are. It’s a first round knockout for Lukewarm Jonah, Best In The World, Best Brawler In The World. I celebrate by pulling a Pop Tart out of my fanny pack and eat it over Eric Bischoff’s unconscious body as his grandkids cry.
Joe: I’m...uh...yeah, I got nothing.
Jonah: Let me wrap it up for you, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. Booking Brawl For It All can make anyone crazy. I don’t think I can actually apologize to Vince Russo, but maybe I understand a little.
Joe: Yeah, and I finally just want to put out there that Eric Bischoff would get annihilated by any of the other 15 guys in this tournament, but it’s just way more fun that he made it to the finals. I needed that on the record so I at least have a claim that I still have my sanity.
For the first semifinals match, things got super weird, and I'm not even sure who won anymore. It was quite the rollercoaster. I would like to tell you that we keep it normal in this one, but that only lasts for a while before it somehow gets even weirder.
Joe’s #1 Eric Bischoff vs. Joe’s #3 Chad Gable Joe: Bischoff’s extensive karate experience has helped him get this far, but now he’s got to face the wrestling of Chad Gable. According to Bischoff, he got in a ton of fights in school. Jonah, I know you love fighters, so does that make Bischoff the favorite here?
Jonah: Well I know Sin Cara has at least won some fights against large adults, I’m assuming Bischoff got beat up by kids, so the fighting level is a little different here. Gable’s going to put him on his back the entire match. Bischoff doesn’t even have a puncher’s chance because there’s no way he has knockout power. His only chance to save face is to catch Gable with an illegal kick and lose by DQ but still feel good about himself.
Joe: Apparently, you’ve never listened to Eric Bischoff’s theme song, because HE’S BACK and better than ever.
Does Chad Gable have a wrestling background? Oh, that’s cute, because so does Easy E, as he was on a traveling wrestling team in high school in Minnesota. With Akam, we know he wasn’t good enough to make the Olympics, because he tried and failed. With Bischoff, it’s impossible to know, because he never found time for it. Are we even sure that Gable is a better wrestler than Bischoff?
Jonah: I suppose not, but if Bischoff was great at wrestling he probably would have been doing that instead of delivering meat. Come to think of it, he probably would have been fighting in karate tournaments if he was good at that instead of delivering meat. Even JCVD and Joe Rogan won some actual tournaments.
Joe: Who said that Bischoff never won a karate tournament? I certainly wouldn’t say that, as I wouldn’t want those fists of fury coming flying at me. I’m sure he probably won some tournaments considering that he was a karate star on ESPN in his younger days. You can be the best at something and still quit. Do you not remember Shawn Michaels losing his smile?
Jonah: Please enlighten me on his time as a karate star on ESPN. Also Shawn Michaels lost his smile because he got jumped by 12 marines, or started a fight with one normal person. If you want to book Shawn Michaels in this tournament I will absolutely give Bischoff the win over him.
Joe: I know Bischoff has mentioned it on a podcast, but I couldn’t find anything substantial on that. There is also the well-documented time he nearly murdered two fans but showed them mercy. Still, I found something way more important from Bodyslam.net:
“That’s one of the reasons I love martial arts so much. Going to those karate tournaments were a blast. It was all about the roll tide. I had, I mean that period of my life was (clears throat) it was very influential, let’s put it that way.”
“People think only rock stars have groupies or movie stars but when you’re a pretty successful martial artist and you travel around to all these little martial arts tournaments and sometimes they’re in big cities and sometimes they’re in small ones, but it was amazing dude. I just — and that was the very first time in my life I’d ever experienced that. I wasn’t much of a ladies man in high school or even afterwards, it was you know, I’d get lucky every once and a while, that type of thing but, man all of a sudden. When you’re a black belt and you’re traveling all around the country and you’re fighting in these tournaments, they just come out of the woodwork.”
“I don’t know if it’s because they have daddy issues and wanted somebody that was a badass you know to hang with or what the deal was but it was freaky fun.”
Let the world know, Bischoff was so good at karate that it got him laid in a “freaky fun” way. So is Bischoff winning by knockout or decision?
Jonah: I’ve already established that there’s no way that Bischoff can knock anyone out. So clearly his best option is to win by points. I guess good for Bischoff for getting laid by hanging out at karate tournaments, I hope like the Rock, he kept Pop Tarts and condoms in his fanny pack.
Joe: I say that Bischoff has a different kind of freaky fun as he peppers Gable’s faces with punches. Sprawl and brawl all the way in this one.
Jonah: If Bischoff can somehow keep from going to the ground I suppose he could win.
Joe: Bischoff gonna have some freaky fun after this win.
Jonah: Freaky fun= condoms and Pop Tarts according to The Rock. And again, just to put myself over, Bischoff could probably beat me in Brawl For It All, but I would bet everything I had on myself over him in a street fight.
Joe: Alright, I’ll bite. Please give me your fighting credentials, any martial arts training, past fight record, and any other relevant details that you’d like to provide? I’ve gotten my ass handed to me by women and children before (he was a 17-year-old wrestler, so it’s not THAT embarrassing), so I think you’re going to have better toughness credentials than me.
Jonah: I am nuts Joe, get with the program. I also trained grappling for four years with my buddy who was a two time all state wrestler from Chicago and MMA at the gym that I used to rent vans to.
As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.
Today, I'm not writing anything. That is because Lukewarm Jonah is more passionate about this wrestler than I am about anything in professional wrestling. That's right; IT'S BAYLEY!
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The WWE is ruining Bayley. The WWE is ruining Bayley more than they’re ruining any other wrestler. Joe asked me to write this entry because I believe in Bayley more than he does, but I’m worried I believe in her too much. Nevermind, that’s stupid, you can’t believe in Bayley too much. Bayley is one of the best wrestlers in the WWE. Bayley has one of the best characters in the WWE. Bayley is one of the most likeable wrestlers in the WWE. Let me illustrate this point. I’m a grown man who, despite writing multiple articles about professional wrestling, keeps his fandom mostly in the closet. I own one item of wrestling apparel, and it’s a Bayley shirt that says “I’m A Hugger”. I wear it out proudly in public. Simply put, Bayley is my jam. Bayley’s match against Sasha Banks at NXT Brooklyn was my absolute favorite match from the time it happened until Johnny Gargano took on Andrade Almas at Takeover this year. Still, being half of the second best match ever is a pretty good accomplishment.
Bayley has been booked into oblivion, but she’s still decently over. The WWE will have you asking yourself was she just over in NXT where most people are over? The answer is no, the RAW crowds were chanting for Bayley to debut for two years. When she debuted as Sasha’s partner on PPV the roof blew off the house. When she debuted on RAW, the roof blew off the house. Crowds kept chanting that they wanted some Bayley. The WWE did what I’m sure they thought was a favor to Bayley by having her beat Charlotte Flair on PPV for Flair’s first PPV loss ever. Bayley had won the championship on RAW with help from Banks. The problem was they did this one month before Wrestlemania where it would have meant a lot more, they also had her win with help from Sasha Banks. Face wrestlers shouldn’t have outside help, it’s not that complicated. They then had Stephanie McMahon dress her down for the way she won the next night on RAW. They blew the moment that could have made Bayley a huge star, having her win the title clean at Wrestlemania, but she still remained over because she’s Bayley. Bayley then lost the title to Alexa Bliss, which ended her title reign at a little over two months.
This lead to the feud that really killed Bayley. There was the “This Is Your Life” segment that is one of the worst segments the WWE has ever put on, and that’s saying something. The point of the segment was that Bayley was a nerd growing up because she was a wrestling fan. Just remember that’s how the WWE views their own fans, as nerds. Bayley then famously got in a kendo stick on a pole match against Bliss where Bayley got the kendo stick, but was too nice to use it, causing her to lose the match. She then gave an interview explaining that she didn’t want to hurt anyone, which is a weird thing for a professional wrestler who fights people for a living to say. Bayley then got screwed over by her best friend Sasha Banks a bunch, which seemed like it would lead to a feud between the two but never really did, and that’s been about the past year of her career.
So that’s what we’re up against here, over two years of crappy booking. The insane thing is that it’s really not that hard to get her back over. The pop that happened when she attacked Sasha that one week was insane. People want Bayley to be successful, they want her to show a bit of edge. Not too much mind you, Bayley is still a super sweet character, but she shouldn’t be afraid to use weapons in a weapons match. So here’s what needs to happen. The WWE just introduced women’s tag team belts. Bayley and Sasha need to win these titles. This will keep her on TV and winning matches on TV. This Wrestlemania women’s main event should be set as Ronda Rousey taking on Becky Lynch, it makes sense for this year. Bayley can be as big as Becky Lynch. Sometime after Wrestlemania, Bayley and Sasha need to lose the titles. Sasha needs to blame Bayley and be a heel, as it’s her best alignment anyways. Bayley needs to stand up to her and vanquish her. This will make Bayley a main eventer again, and she can win the RAW women’s title from Becky Lynch. Then at next year’s Wrestlemania she can fight Becky or Ronda Rousey coming back for her title. During this time, just book her like Bayley. She’s a pure white meat babyface, but that doesn’t mean she’s an idiot or a literal child. She doesn’t cheat, but she’s not afraid to dole out a beating when it’s deserved. She’s fun outside of the ring and kids and adults love her, but she’s one of the best wrestlers there is inside the ring. Good news, she already is that talented.
I mentioned this year’s Wrestlemania and it’s important to talk about because it’s the first year where the women could legitimately main event, and I mean main event like go on last and close the show. Rousey has the name value and pop culture appeal for the casual fans to be interested and Becky Lynch is the most over performer on the roster. If they put it together like they should, it will literally be the biggest match they put on, but they probably don’t have the guts to actually put it on last. I mention this because I think Bayley vs. Lynch at next year’s Wrestlemania could be bigger. It won’t have the name value of Rousey, but they can make Bayley as over as Lynch by following the very simple steps I laid out. The WWE could have it’s two most over performers face off at Wrestlemania like when Austin took on The Rock, and the crazy thing is, the two most over wrestlers on their shows could be women. Have Charlotte Flair take on Rousey for the other title in the semi main event and show how much you care about women’s wrestling.
In conclusion, Bayley is criminally underused and underappreciated right now. The WWE Universe still absolutely loves her, so all it takes is one good moment for her to hit the stratosphere. Give her the tag titles, let her overcome Sasha Banks, and start counting your money because she will sell more merchandise than anyone else on the roster.
Adam “Pacman” Jones has been arrested ten times. He started a fight in a strip club by assaulting a stripper which left a bouncer paralyzed when he was shot by someone in Jones’ crew. He was most recently arrested in January of 2017 for disorderly conduct, obstructing official business, assault, and a felony charge of harassment with a bodily substance. He started nine games for the Cincinnati Bengals this previous season.
Kenny Britt has been arrested seven times. In 2011 he lead police on a car chase in New Jersey. He also has charges of resisting arrest, drug charges, and DUI. He was also benched for being a negative influence on his teammates in Cleveland. He is under contract with the New England Patriots for the upcoming season.
Greg Hardy was found guilty of assaulting a female and communicating threats in 2014. He reportedly threw his ex-girlfriend into furniture, strangling her and threatening to kill her. After he lost a bench trial he requested a trial by jury and the woman stopped cooperating with police. The charges were eventually dropped. Though he only played in one game in 2014, he collected his salary while not playing. In 2015 he signed an 11 million dollar one year deal with the Dallas Cowboys. He was suspended for four games that season. In 2016 he was arrested for cocaine possession. He just signed with the UFC.
2016 NFL Hall of Fame inductee Marvin Harrison was heavily implicated in a shooting in 2008. A rare gun he owned was used in a shooting that hit two people at his car wash. One of the people shot was someone Harrison had been fighting with minutes earlier named Dwight Dixon. The other was an eye witness named Robert Nixon who was hit by accident and later named Harrison as the shooter. In 2009 Dixon was murdered in front of a bar that Harrison owned. His security cameras went blank for three minutes when the shooting happened. It is alleged that Harrison’s cousin carried out the murder.
2018 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee Ray Lewis’ two friends allegedly stabbed and killed two other men. Afterwards they hopped in a limo and took off with Lewis and others. Lewis’ blood stained clothes he was wearing have never been found. Witnesses initially reported Lewis was involved in the fight where two men were murdered, but changed their stories when the trial came around for some reason, possibly massive amounts of money. I had to say allegedly earlier because Lewis’ two friends were eventually found not guilty for some reason, possibly massive amounts of money. He played for 13 more years after pleading guilty to obstruction of justice.
Michael Vick pleaded guilty to federal felony dogfighting conspiracy in 2007. He ran and financed a dog fighting organization. It was reported he personally murdered dogs by hanging, electrocution and drowning. After his release from prison he rejoined the NFL in 2009 and played seven more seasons, starting games every year. Nike also resigned Vick to an endorsement deal in 2014. In more humorous than dog murder charges, Vick also gave women herpes while using the name Ron Mexico.
Oakland Raiders cornerback Sean Smith was charged with felony assault for a vicious beating that caused permanent brain damage to the victim in August of 2017. He played 14 games in the 2017 season. He was sentenced after the season was over to one year in jail.
These are just some of the well known cases in the NFL’s recent history. There were 37 arrests last year and 17 so far this year. A piece of advice to NFL players, just make sure not to peacefully protest, then you might actually get in trouble.
In anticipation of Vince McMahon bringing the fun back to football (more concussions, woohoo!), Lukewarm Jonah and I went back and forth to do an XFL Draft. Instead of breaking this down round by round, we are going to go by position groups. Today, we finish the offensive line with the men in the middle, the Centers.
Center Jonah: Nick Mangold, Jeremy Zuttah Joe: Barrett Jones, David Molk
Joe: Finally, we finish with the centers who are kind of boring but are definitely the most reliable guys I have on my offensive line. Barrett Jones probably deserves to one day be in the college football Hall of Fame. He was a two-time consensus All-American, won the Jacobs Blocking Trophy for best offensive lineman in the SEC, the Outland Trophy for best college interior lineman, the Rimington Trophy for best college center, and the Jim Parker Trophy for best collegeiate offensive lineman. And he won three national titles while at Alabama. It is nearly impossible to find a more decorated offensive lineman. What about his pro career? Eh, let’s not talk about that. David Molk can’t quite compete as he was only a one-time consensus All-American, a Rimington Trophy award winner, and named Big Ten Offensive Lineman of the Year. No matter who wins the starting job, we will have excellent leadership in the middle of our offensive line.
Jonah: More old stars on my offensive line. Nick Mangold is probably the best center in the past 10 years. He’s 33, but is seemingly healthy. He was a salary cap casualty, and for some reason didn’t find another team to latch onto. His work really speaks for itself, he’s a multiple time Pro Bowler and All Pro.
Just in case something happens with Mangold, I have Jeremy Zuttah on the roster too. He can also play guard, can’t have enough talented guys who can play multiple positions. He’s still kind of old at 31, but at that age he’s still got a few more good years left in him. He’s started over 100 games in the NFL, and made the Pro Bowl one year. Joe: I like the Mangold pick, because even though he isn’t an Olympian, his sister is, and honestly, I might keep her number on speed dial if you need another backup center.
He’s been declining the past several years, but for a secondary league, he’s a good get. Zuttah is another very good pick for this. Center is probably your strongest position among the offensive line.
Jonah: Transfering from college to professional sports is important, but again, being a standout college player is probably good enough to play well at XFL level competition.
For all of you that have been patiently waiting, we get to the defense next time, starting with the sackmasters at defensive end.
Last week, Jonah shot me a text that he would like to have a Fantasy XFL Draft. I kind of hemmed and hawed at the idea, as I really didn’t want to go through that pointless of an exercise. Then I realized that I really wasn’t doing anything more important with my life, and it would be hilarious when I selected LeBron James with my first pick and OJ Simpson with my second pick. Unfortunately, Jonah clarified that they would have to realistically be able to play in the league and not currently playing another professional sport. That screwed up my entire draft plan, but I did my best to recover.
Admittedly, both Jonah and I did minimal research before the draft and did all of our analysis during the draft. This meant that there was little rhyme or reason to any picks past the first two rounds. So instead of breaking this down round by round, we are going to go by position groups. We also only did a two-team league, because I cannot imagine finding enough nerds to have a 12 or 16 team XFL mock draft. We did do a whole 53-man roster, so you could imagine these guys being spread around across the league. Today, we start with the quarterbacks.
Quarterbacks Team Jonah: Colin Kaepernick, Zach Mettenberger, Ryan Nassib Team Joe: Johnny Manziel, Robert Griffin III, Rex Grossman
Joe: Although the picks usually didn’t matter, we did both select quarterbacks with our first pick. Jonah went with the obvious choice of Colin Kaepernick, so then I panicked and went with Johnny Manziel as my number one quarterback. Although Manziel was a pariah in the NFL, he will most certainly be a fan favorite in the XFL, as this league is all about attitude. But Manziel is definitely not guaranteed the starting spot. I brought in some great competition as I have RG3 who is likely a more athletic version of Johnny Football and would likely be considered the favorite for the starting position, although he will inevitably get injured so it won’t be hard for Manziel to see playing time. On top of that, I have Rex Grossman. The wily veteran who just loves to sling it deep. He is the veteran presence that can let them know what it takes to make it to a Super Bowl. Maybe the greatest thing about these quarterbacks is that I might have three of the highest selling jerseys in the entire XFL. Manziel’s jersey could say “Johnny Football,” “J Football,” or just straight, “Football.” Griffin has “RG3” on the back of his, but my top selling jersey will inevitably be Rex Grossman’s “Sex Cannon” jersey. Sure to be a hit with the kiddos.
Jonah: Believe it or not, I took this draft very seriously. My original idea was that I could build a roster of players that would win a few games in the NFL with nothing but available players. Then I realized the XFL was coming back so I could just build an XFL roster that would be as talented as the lower half of the NFL. With that, Kaep was the obvious first pick in terms of football skill and marketability. The guy could start for 5-10 teams in the NFL so he’s a no brainer, and you either love him or you hate him. Either way people want to watch him succeed or fail.
Mettenberger is a favorite of mine. I watched him play as a rookie in Tennessee and he was pretty average, but a rookie playing average on a terrible team is pretty good. I’m very confused why he hasn’t gotten another shot.
My original XFL lineup included another quarterback who should be starting in the NFL, Matt Barkley. He was signed by the Cardinals so Mettenberger moved up to backup and Nassib got a spot on my squad. Nassib is talented, strong armed but short for a quarterback. Another guy I’m surprised doesn’t have a roster spot somewhere in the NFL because at least he has potential to be good instead of the potential to not be terrible like some of the quarterbacks who keep getting paid.
Joe: One thing I worry about with Jonah’s team is that he’s likely going to have to depend on Mettenberger and Nassib as Kaepernick will inevitably be fired in a grand public display if he chooses to kneel during the national anthem. And buddy, you’re going to have to trade a whole lot if you want to get the Sex Cannon on your squad.
Jonah: I love Mettenberger and Nassib has potential, plus there’s plenty of quarterbacks out there like your boy Ricky Stanzi or my boy Nathan Enderle, or everyone’s boy John David Booty. As for your quarterbacks, Manziel and Griffin should still be in the NFL, well Griffin at least and Manziel has the ability. I really hope Rex Grossman finds his way onto an XFL roster because I will bet you that against XFL competition he throws more picks than TDs.
Joe: That wraps up the quarterback talk. We should have something on running backs later this week.
We have an amazing scoop here at The Jonah Show. I’ve managed to find John Miller, former Trump employee and secure an interview. He didn’t want to be on tape, but graciously agreed to let me transcribe our interview. Truly, this is a major break for us to interview someone who was very close to the now president of the United States.
Jonah: First of all, thank you so much for being here.
John Miller: My pleasure, thank you for having me.
Jonah: Let’s dive right into it, what is your relationship to President Trump?
Miller: I worked PR, public relations for him in the early 90’s.
Jonah: Just a business relationship then?
Miller: Well, a business relationship, but also a friendship. He trusted me, he knew I was good at what I do, so he hired me in a professional manner.
Jonah: I have to ask about the famous 1991 People magazine article that got a lot of press a few months ago.
Miller: Go ahead.
Jonah: Thank you, first of all, was that you on the tape?
Miller: Yes that was me.
Jonah: You know a lot of people who heard that thought it sounded like Mr. Trump.
Miller: I can understand people hearing those similarities but it was definitely me. I remember doing that interview.
Jonah: OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, what about the things you said during the interview? Were they all true?
Miller: Well, no, not all of them.
Jonah: So you lied during the interview?
Miller: I did my job to promote Mr. Trump and in doing so said some things that weren’t exactly true. I was a publicist, part of my job was spinning things positively, and sometimes that included embellishing certain things.
Jonah: What in particular did you embellish?
Miller: I mean, I don’t know exactly what was said and what was an embellishment.
Jonah: I’m going to go through a few claims here and you tell me whether they were true or whether they were, as you say, an embellishment. Is that OK?
Miller: Yes that’s fine.
Jonah: Alright, did he ever date Carla Bruni, the former first lady of France?
Miller: No, I don’t believe I ever said he did.
Jonah: Let me look here, well no you didn’t say he ever dated her but you implied that she was interested in him.
Miller: That’s PR.
Jonah: Fair enough. The article does outright state that Madonna called and asked Mr. Trump out, so I ask you did Madonna ever call and ask out Mr. Trump?
Miller: No, they were at the same charity event and they talked and who knows what they talked about?
Jonah: But just to be clear, the part of the article that states Madonna called and was interested in dating Mr. Trump is false.
Miller: Yes, that part was embellished.
Jonah: Moving on, you talk about how well Mr. Trump is doing financially in the article. Was that true?
Miller: What you have to understand is that when you’re a businessman like Mr. Trump, you have to portray a certain image. I was helping him portray an image of a successful businessman.
Jonah: Are you saying that wasn’t the actual case?
Miller: Well I’m sure you’re smart enough to have done your research.
Jonah: About how he filed bankruptcy because of the Trump Taj Mahal that is mentioned in the article?
Miller: Yes, it’s all public record so I’m sure you know all about it.
Jonah: So all the talk about how well he was doing was false?
Miller: Well as I’ve said I’m sure you’ve seen the records, so no, obviously he wasn’t doing that well financially but he had an image to portray.
Jonah: You also talked about some of Mr. Trump’s exes and made some interesting claims about them. I’d like to ask you about some of those claims.
Miller: Alright, go ahead.
Jonah: Did Ivana want to get back with Mr. Trump?
Miller: Not to my knowledge no.
Jonah: So she wasn’t calling or contacting Donald to try and get back together?
Miller: No.
Jonah: Did Mr. Trump have three other girlfriends living with him when he was with Marla Maples?
Miller: No, of course not.
Jonah: So why did you say that?
Miller: I’ve already explained, it’s PR, it’s an image.
Jonah: Do you see anything wrong with what you did?
Miller: Not really, I was just doing my job. PR is a complicated business and I did what I was supposed to do. We all have to make sacrifices and choices about what we do for work. We all do things that we don’t necessarily want to do, but need to do.
Jonah: OK, well what do you think about Trump’s situation with his press secretary now?
Miller: Well I can tell you that if I was his press secretary, we wouldn’t be getting made fun of. I do feel sorry for some of the people who have gone through the position, especially Sean. I know that Mr. Trump’s message can be, let’s say confusing.
Jonah: What do you mean by that?
Miller: Well, you understand that I spun certain things in a positive light. That was my job. The press secretary’s job is to deliver a clear message from Mr. Trump. His message can be a little all over the place, a little disjointed.
Jonah: Go on.
Miller: The thing is, when you know Mr. Trump, and you know how to stay on message, then you can get across his point. What Sean had to do was figure out what Mr. Trump wanted to say in a short amount of time, and the problem is his opinions change quickly. What Sean had to deal with is delivering a message from Mr. Trump that could change. You see, I just had to stay positive and stay on message. Sean didn’t know how to stay positive and stay on message. He got rattled, and to be honest his message was more complex than the message I had to deliver.
Jonah: What would you have done differently?
Miller: I would have kept things simple. You need very basic, very general ideas. You don’t stray from those, keep it simple.
Jonah: But these are complicated issues that he’s dealing with, and as you said Trump’s opinion, and therefore message can change in a short amount of time. How would you deal with being sent out to say one thing, and then hours later being contradicted by Trump?
Miller: Honestly, there are things about Mr. Trump that will never change. If you really know what’s important to him, things like his image, you can go out there and say things that won’t be contradicted. The real problem is the complexity of the issues that these press secretaries have been dealing with. I can go out there right now, take questions without ever talking to Mr. Trump, and be able to give passable fluff answers that I know won’t be contradicted by Mr. Trump because I know him and know what he’s looking for. If I really got pressed on some specific issue, I’d just have to respectfully answer that Mr. Trump was looking into that issue and considering all sides. He’s doing his research and should have a concrete stance after he’s consulted some experts. You see if you don’t know something, you don’t want to admit that, and you don’t just want to say a stance that might change. That makes you look stupid, and it could make Mr. Trump look stupid. It all goes back to keeping it simple and staying positive. It really is PR, you make Mr. Trump look good and you look good. It’s that simple.
Jonah: Well there’s been a lot of turnover in the position of press secretary. Would you consider taking the position if it opens up again in the future?
Miller: I would think about it, but to be honest I’m more comfortable behind the scenes. I do public relations, I help promote other people, but being in front of the press every day isn’t my idea of fun. I’d rather see my name mentioned briefly in an article about someone else, then be the focus of the story.
Jonah: It seems like Trump could use some of your PR right now, his approval rating keeps falling lower and lower.
Miller: He definitely could use my talents right now, there are a lot of scandals that won’t go away and if I was running his PR people wouldn’t be getting distracted by his random outbursts, they’d be getting distracted by good news.
Jonah: On those scandals, the one that keeps hanging around are his ties to Russia. Are you aware of any business dealings he had there?
Miller: I’d rather not answer that question.
Jonah: We’ve had a very open and seemingly honest interview up until now, but this question you don’t want to answer?
Miller: That is correct.
Jonah: You’re smart enough to see how that looks to the average person, we’ve been having a nice conversation then suddenly you don’t want to answer a question. You know how that looks right?
Miller: I have no comment on that issue. In fact, we’ve spoken for quite some time and I have other work to do. I’d like to wrap this up if we can.
Jonah: Well, OK then. I want to thank you for your time Mr. Miller, I really do appreciate you taking the time to speak with me today.
Today, December 1, 2017 is a big day. It’s my birthday, a big birthday, a monumental birthday, my 34th birthday. This birthday is widely known as your Kirby Puckett birthday, and is considered one of the most important in your life. With my Kirby Puckett birthday coming up, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. What should I do with my life? How can I find a balance between what seem to be my two choices of jobs, either I hate my life and get paid a good amount, or enjoy work and literally live around the poverty line. In this line of thought I picked up a book I got four years ago which addresses dream chasing, money vs. happiness and other similar themes and decided to give it another read. It’s The Disaster Artist, the story of the making of the greatest bad movie ever “The Room” told by it’s co-star Greg Sestero. It’s also an upcoming movie with a lot of buzz starring the Franco brothers, Alison Brie, and Seth Rogen, and it’s how I’ll be spending my Kirby Puckett Birthday.
My Kirby Puckett birthday is the day that I really have my hipster moment. I’ve never cared when bands I liked got popular, but for some reason this feels different. Maybe it’s because I put a lot more effort into “The Room” than I ever really did in music. I mean I bought CDs, went to concerts, but it wasn’t the same level of fandom. I’ve given “The Room” three trips to see a screening in which Tommy Wiseau, the enigmatic director, producer, writer and star, appeared in person. Met him all three times and even shared the stage with him twice. Maybe it’s because this group feels even more personal than being a fan of a small band did. I mean there’s a wide range of “The Room” fans, but I’m not sure if any of them wouldn’t describe themselves as geeks, nerds, dorks, or some variation of that. I definitely feel like I fit in with my nerdy brothers and sisters when we’re laughing our asses off at the nonstop lunacy which is “The Room”.
When The Disaster Artist comes out it’s going to get Oscar buzz. This is going to lead to the masses discovering that it’s a true story and some absolutely insane movie called “The Room” was made. They’re going to watch it and try and pretend like they were in on the joke all along. Maybe my fear is that these screenings and Tommy Wiseau meetings become packed with bros instead of dorks. While the book revealed some of the darkness in Wiseau, it was at it’s heart a story about the ultimate underdog and his refusal to accept the fact that he was one. Tommy was us, we were Tommy. We were people of different ages, races, genders, who could say my dream isn’t that insane compared to Tommy’s and look at him, he made his movie and comes to screenings like this to be adored by his fans. If Tommy Wiseau can be a movie writer, director, and star, then there’s literally nothing that we can’t do.
So on my fateful Kirby Puckett birthday I’ll go to a screening of “The Disaster Artist” with my lovely wife. I’ll enjoy watching this insane story play out on film with talented actors and actresses playing the parts. I’ll enjoy watching it with the majority, if not all of the audience in on the madness of “The Room” waiting for their favorite parts of the movie to be created and acted out on screen. It will be fun, and I’m sure it will be a great movie that tells a story that I’m fascinated by, but it’s the beginning of the end for us weirdo fans. I’ll get to hang on to that feeling for a little while longer as the week after this screening we’re heading back to Portland for another screening of “The Room” but with never before seen special guest Greg Sestero.
Am I really mad at the masses finding out about this fantastic movie that makes you wonder if you’ve done some sort of mixture of peyote and angel dust, gotten on a plane, and ended up in Bulgaria? No, not really. I can’t help but be happy for the success that this will bring to Tommy and Greg, and hopefully some of the other forgotten members of “The Room”. I think I’m just stressed out because my Kirby Puckett birthday is coming up and I’m clearly receiving some signs from whatever heavenly beings are up there that I need to make my Kirby Puckett year count. I need to chase my stupid dreams for at least a year. I mean if a guy who can’t speak, write, or understand English fluently can make a movie, then why can’t I accomplish my dreams?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The NFL Draft is one of the best events of the year. I love the NFL Draft, but even I don't love the NFL Draft as much as Lukewarm Jonah. Just the thought of doing a one-round mock draft seems like way too much work for me, but where Jonah sees me back away, he jumped into the mock draft fire with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. That is why he did a full seven-round mock draft on ourlads.com. So feel free to check it out, but note there are spoilers below.
Pick
Team
Player
Pos.
School
Round 1
1
Browns
Myles Garrett
DE
Texas A&M
2
49ers
Solomon Thomas
DE
Stanford
3
Bears
Marshon Lattimore
CB
Ohio State
4
Jaguars
Leonard Fournette
RB
LSU
5
Titans f/LAR
Jamal Adams
SS
LSU
6
Jets
Mitch Trubisky
QB
North Carolina
7
Chargers
Jonathan Allen
DE
Alabama
8
Panthers
Derek Barnett
DE
Tennessee
9
Bengals
Malik Hooker
FS
Ohio State
10
Bills
Mike Williams
WR
Clemson
11
Saints
Haason Reddick
OB
Temple
12
Browns f/PHI
John Ross
WR
Washington
13
Cardinals
OJ Howard
TE
Alabama
14
Eagles f/MIN
Tre'Davious White
CB
LSU
15
Colts
Marlon Humphrey
CB
Alabama
16
Ravens
Reuben Foster
IB
Alabama
17
Redskins
Budda Baker
FS
Washington
18
Titans
Corey Davis
WR
Western Michigan
19
Buccaneers
Dalvin Cook
RB
Florida State
20
Broncos
Forrest Lamp
OT
Western Kentucky
21
Lions
Taco Charlton
DE
Michigan
22
Dolphins
Jarrad Davis
IB
Florida
23
Giants
Ryan Ramczyk
OT
Wisconsin
24
Raiders
Obi Melifonwu
SS
Connecticut
25
Texans
Deshaun Watson
QB
Clemson
26
Seahawks
Kevin King
CB
Washington
27
Chiefs
Zach Cunningham
IB
Vanderbilt
28
Cowboys
Takkarist McKinley
DE
UCLA
29
Packers
Cam Robinson
OT
Alabama
30
Steelers
David Njoku
TE
Miami
31
Falcons
Jordan Willis
DE
Kansas State
32
Saints f/NE
Christian McCaffrey
RB
Stanford
Round 2
33
Browns
Patrick Mahomes II
QB
Texas Tech
34
49ers
DeShone Kizer
QB
Notre Dame
35
Jaguars
Fabian Moreau
CB
UCLA
36
Bears
TJ Watt
OB
Wisconsin
37
Rams
Josh Jones
FS
North Carolina State
38
Chargers
Garett Bolles
OT
Utah
39
Jets
Adoree` Jackson
CB
Southern Cal
40
Panthers
ArDarius Stewart
WR
Alabama
41
Bengals
Dan Feeney
OG
Indiana
42
Saints
Evan Engram
TE
Mississippi
43
Eagles
Charles Harris
DE
Missouri
44
Bills
Teez Tabor
CB
Florida
45
Cardinals
Davis Webb
QB
California
46
Colts
Duke Riley
OB
LSU
47
Ravens
Carl Lawson
DE
Auburn
48
Vikings
Malik McDowell
DE
Michigan State
49
Redskins
Jabrill Peppers
SS
Michigan
50
Buccaneers
Chidobe Awuzie
CB
Colorado
51
Broncos
Raekwon McMillan
IB
Ohio State
52
Browns f/TEN
Joe Mixon
RB
Oklahoma
53
Lions
Quincy Wilson
CB
Florida
54
Dolphins
Taylor Moton
OG
Western Michigan
55
Giants
Marcus Williams
FS
Utah
56
Raiders
Adam Shaheen
TE
Ashland
57
Texans
Cordrea Tankersley
CB
Clemson
58
Seahawks
Pat Elflein
OC
Ohio State
59
Chiefs
Curtis Samuel
WR
Ohio State
60
Cowboys
JuJu Smith-Schuster
WR
Southern Cal
61
Packers
Dorian Johnson
OG
Pittsburgh
62
Steelers
Derek Rivers
DE
Youngstown State
63
Falcons
Eddie Jackson
FS
Alabama
64
Panthers f/NE
Alvin Kamara
RB
Tennessee
Round 3
65
Browns
Antonio Garcia
OT
Troy
66
49ers
Wayne Gallman
RB
Clemson
67
Bears
Cooper Kupp
WR
Eastern Washington
68
Jaguars
Chris Wormley
DE
Michigan
69
Rams
Carlos Henderson
WR
Louisiana Tech
70
Jets
Ryan Anderson
OB
Alabama
71
Chargers
Ethan Pocic
OC
LSU
72
Patriots f/CAR
Sidney Jones
CB
Washington
73
Bengals
Marlon Mack
RB
South Florida
74
Ravens f/PHI
Chris Godwin
WR
Penn State
75
Bills
Jermaine Eluemunor
OT
Texas A&M
76
Saints
Tim Williams
DE
Alabama
77
Cardinals
Montravius Adams
DT
Auburn
78
Ravens
Chad Hansen
WR
California
79
Vikings
D'Onta Foreman
RB
Texas
80
Colts
Anthony Walker
IB
Northwestern
81
Redskins
Justin Evans
SS
Texas A&M
82
Broncos
Tarell Basham
DE
Ohio
83
Titans
Elijah Lee
OB
Kansas State
84
Buccaneers
Zay Jones
WR
East Carolina
85
Lions
Julie'n Davenport
OT
Bucknell
86
Vikings f/MIA
Marcus Maye
FS
Florida
87
Giants
Jordan Leggett
TE
Clemson
88
Raiders
Kareem Hunt
RB
Toledo
89
Texans
David Sharpe
OT
Florida
90
Seahawks
Jalen Reeves-Maybin
OB
Tennessee
91
Chiefs
Dawuane Smoot
DE
Illinois
92
Cowboys
Desmond King
CB
Iowa
93
Packers
Samaje Perine
RB
Oklahoma
94
Steelers
Taywan Taylor
WR
Western Kentucky
95
Falcons
Elijah Qualls
DT
Washington
96
Patriots
Tanoh Kpassagnon
DE
Villanova
97
Dolphins f/NFL
Bucky Hodges
TE
Virginia Tech
98
Panthers f/NFL
Adam Bisnowaty
OT
Pittsburgh
99
Eagles f/BAL/NFL
Jamaal Williams
RB
BYU
100
Titans f/NFL
Ahkello Witherspoon
CB
Colorado
101
Broncos f/NFL
Rasul Douglas
CB
West Virginia
102
Seahawks f/NFL
Nico Siragusa
OG
San Diego State
103
Saints f/CLE/NE/NFL
Alex Anzalone
OB
Florida
104
Chiefs f/NFL
Nathan Peterman
QB
Pittsburgh
105
Steelers f/NFL
Kendell Beckwith
IB
LSU
106
Seahawks f/NFL
Josh Reynolds
WR
Texas A&M
107
Jets f/NFL
Cole Hikutini
TE
Louisville
Round 4
108
Browns
Tedric Thompson
SS
Colorado
109
49ers
Carlos Watkins
DT
Clemson
110
Jaguars
Jake Butt
TE
Michigan
111
Bears
Brad Kaaya
QB
Miami
112
Rams
Gerald Everett
TE
South Alabama
113
Chargers
Ryan Switzer
WR
North Carolina
114
Redskins f/NYJ
Eddie Vanderdoes
DT
UCLA
115
Panthers
Damontae Kazee
CB
San Diego State
116
Bengals
Damien Mama
OG
Southern Cal
117
Bears f/BUF
Isaiah Ford
WR
Virginia Tech
118
Eagles
James Conner
RB
Pittsburgh
119
Cardinals
Daeshon Hall
DE
Texas A&M
120
Vikings
Isaac Asiata
OG
Utah
121
Colts
Conor McDermott
OT
UCLA
122
Ravens
Steven Taylor
OB
Houston
123
Redskins
Brian Hill
RB
Wyoming
124
Titans
Joe Mathis
DE
Washington
125
Buccaneers
DeMarcus Walker
DE
Florida State
126
Broncos
Jaleel Johnson
DT
Iowa
127
Lions
Howard Wilson
CB
Houston
128
Vikings f/MIA
Marquel Lee
OB
Wake Forest
129
Raiders
Blair Brown
IB
Ohio
130
Texans
Jeremy Cutrer
CB
Middle Tennessee
131
Patriots f/SEA
Carroll Phillips
DE
Illinois
132
Chiefs
Jeremy McNichols
RB
Boise State
133
Cowboys
Paul Magloire Jr.
IB
Arizona
134
Packers
Cameron Sutton
CB
Tennessee
135
Steelers
Elijah Hood
RB
North Carolina
136
Falcons
Dalvin Tomlinson
DT
Alabama
137
Colts f/NE
Corn Elder
CB
Miami
138
Bengals f/NFL
Caleb Brantley
DT
Florida
139
Eagles f/NFL
George Kittle
TE
Iowa
140
Giants
Fred Ross
WR
Mississippi State
141
Rams f/NFL
Jalen Myrick
CB
Minnesota
142
Texans f/CLE/NFL
Ben Boulware
IB
Clemson
143
49ers f/NFL
Amara Darboh
WR
Michigan
144
Colts f/NFL
Larry Ogunjobi
DT
North Carolina-Charlotte
Round 5
145
Browns
Jourdan Lewis
CB
Michigan
146
49ers
Isaac Rochell
DE
Notre Dame
147
Bears
Avery Gennesy
OT
Texas A&M
148
Jaguars
Rayshawn Jenkins
FS
Miami
149
Rams
Marquez White
CB
Florida State
150
Jets
Kenny Golladay
WR
Northern Illinois
151
Chargers
Stevie Tu'ikolovatu
DT
Southern Cal
152
Panthers
Xavier Woods
SS
Louisiana Tech
153
Bengals
KD Cannon
WR
Baylor
154
Redskins f/NO
Nazair Jones
DT
North Carolina
155
Eagles
Vince Biegel
OB
Wisconsin
156
Bills
Michael Roberts
TE
Toledo
157
Cardinals
Chad Wheeler
OT
Southern Cal
158
Colts
Aaron Jones
RB
UTEP
159
Ravens
Dede Westbrook
WR
Oklahoma
160
Vikings
Zach Banner
OT
Southern Cal
161
49ers f/WAS
Jayon Brown
IB
UCLA
162
Buccaneers
Delano Hill
FS
Michigan
163
Patriots f/DEN
Sojourn Shelton
CB
Wisconsin
164
Titans
Jarron Jones
DT
Notre Dame
165
Lions
Charles Walker
DT
Oklahoma
166
Dolphins
Tanzel Smart
DT
Tulane
167
Giants
Trey Hendrickson
DE
Florida Atlantic
168
Raiders
Erik Magnuson
OT
Michigan
169
Texans
Avery Moss
DE
Youngstown State
170
Chiefs
Dylan Cole
OB
Missouri State
171
Bills f/DAL
Shaquill Griffin
CB
Central Florida
172
Packers
Lorenzo Jerome
SS
St. Francis (PA)
173
Steelers
Donnel Pumphrey
RB
San Diego State
174
Falcons
Chase Roullier
OG
Wyoming
175
Browns f/NE
Ben Gedeon
IB
Michigan
176
Bengals f/NFL
Zane Gonzalez
PK
Arizona State
177
Broncos f/NFL
Tyler Orlosky
OC
West Virginia
178
Dolphins f/NFL
Treyvon Hester
DT
Toledo
179
Cardinals f/NFL
Trent Taylor
WR
Louisiana Tech
180
Chiefs f/NFL
Jehu Chesson
WR
Michigan
181
Browns f/NFL
Jeremy Sprinkle
TE
Arkansas
182
Packers f/NFL
Kyle Fuller
OC
Baylor
183
Patriots f/NFL
TJ Logan
RB
North Carolina
184
Dolphins f/NFL
Des Lawrence
CB
North Carolina
Round 6
185
Browns
Vincent Taylor
DT
Oklahoma State
186
Ravens f/SF
Montae Nicholson
SS
Michigan State
187
Jaguars
Chad Kelly
QB
Mississippi
188
Browns f/CHI/HOU
Nate Hairston
CB
Temple
189
Rams
Jadar Johnson
FS
Clemson
190
Chargers
Elijah McGuire
RB
Louisiana-Lafayette
191
Jets
Jonah Pirsig
OT
Minnesota
192
Panthers
Shelton Gibson
WR
West Virginia
193
Bengals
Garrett Sickels
DE
Penn State
194
Eagles
Mack Hollins
WR
North Carolina
195
Bills
De'Veon Smith
RB
Michigan
196
Saints
Channing Stribling
CB
Michigan
197
Cardinals
Malachi Dupre
WR
LSU
198
49ers f/BAL
Josh Harvey-Clemons
SS
Louisville
199
Vikings
Jonnu Smith
TE
Florida International
200
Patriots f/IND
Jessamen Dunker
OT
Tennessee State
201
Redskins
JJ Dielman
OT
Utah
202
49ers f/DEN
Travin Dural
WR
LSU
203
Broncos f/TEN
David Jones
FS
Richmond
204
Buccaneers
Ryan Glasgow
DT
Michigan
205
Lions
Brian Allen
CB
Utah
206
Rams f/MIA
Joseph Williams
RB
Utah
207
Giants
Joshua Dobbs
QB
Tennessee
208
Raiders
Eric Saubert
TE
Drake
209
Redskins f/HOU
Jerod Evans
QB
Virginia Tech
210
Seahawks
DeAngelo Brown
DT
Louisville
211
Cowboys
DJ Jones
DT
Mississippi
212
Packers
Stacy Coley
WR
Miami
213
Steelers
Treston Decoud
CB
Oregon State
214
Titans f/ATL
Josh Malone
WR
Tennessee
215
Lions f/NE
Pharaoh Brown
TE
Oregon
216
Chiefs f/NFL
Damore'ea Stringfellow
WR
Mississippi
217
Bengals f/NFL
Joshua Holsey
CB
Auburn
218
Chiefs f/NFL
John Johnson
FS
Boston College
Round 7
219
49ers f/CLE
Josiah Price
TE
Michigan State
220
Redskins f/SF
Kyle Kalis
OG
Michigan
221
Bears
Bryan Cox Jr.
DE
Florida
222
Jaguars
Noble Nwachukwu
DE
West Virginia
223
Rams
Hardy Nickerson Jr.
IB
Illinois
224
Jets
Justin Davis
RB
Southern Cal
225
Chargers
Keionta Davis
DE
Tennessee-Chattanooga
226
Seahawks f/CAR
William Likely III
CB
Maryland
227
Bengals
Speedy Noil
WR
Texas A&M
228
Cowboys f/BUF
Jordan Sterns
SS
Oklahoma State
229
Saints
Cooper Rush
QB
Central Michigan
230
Eagles
Noah Brown
WR
Ohio State
231
Cardinals
Chunky Clements
DT
Illinois
232
Vikings
Austin Rehkow
PT
Idaho
233
Dolphins f/LAR
Davon Godchaux
DT
LSU
234
Rams f/BAL
Nathan Gerry
FS
Nebraska
235
Redskins
Xavier Coleman
CB
Portland State
236
Titans
Damarius Travis
SS
Minnesota
237
Buccaneers
Dan Skipper
OT
Arkansas
238
Broncos
Brendan Langley
CB
Lamar
239
Patriots f/DET
Artavis Scott
WR
Clemson
240
Jaguars f/MIA
Tanner Vallejo
IB
Boise State
241
Giants
Collin Buchanan
OT
Miami (OH)
242
Raiders
Connor Harris
OB
Lindenwood
243
Texans
Derrick Griffin
WR
Texas Southern
244
Raiders f/SEA
Jon Toth
OC
Kentucky
245
Chiefs
Hunter Dimick
DE
Utah
246
Cowboys
Toby Baker
PT
Arkansas
247
Packers
Isaiah McKenzie
WR
Georgia
248
Steelers
Antione Glen
DT
Idaho
249
Falcons
Darrell Daniels
TE
Washington
250
Lions f/NE
Matt Dayes
RB
North Carolina State
251
Bengals f/NFL
Victor Salako
OT
Oklahoma State
252
Broncos f/NFL
Tony Conner
SS
Mississippi
253
Broncos f/NFL
Chad Williams
WR
Grambling State
- See more at: http://www.ourlads.com/nfl-mock-draft-challenge/mock-draft/216424
