Wednesday, February 27, 2013

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.
Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.
Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like a half dozen, a dozen, two dozen, 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

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