Wednesday, December 4, 2013

You Best Believe I Watched Christmas Bounty

When I found out there was going to be a Christmas movie with a pro wrestler in it, there was no chance I was not going to suffer through it. I don't like Christmas movies, and I don't like The Miz, but you know what they say? A double negative makes a positive, so I was pretty sure I was going to love this movie.

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped. Luckily, his teacher is a no-nonsense chick who jumps off the building onto the SUV who stops the kidnapper. It turns out it was his Dad who lost visitation rights, but the teacher is not having any of it, because it turns out she's a bounty hunter. Now I bet you're thinking that she is going to have to save children in the end of this movie, and that is why they made her an elementary teacher, but you'd be wrong. Her being an elementary teacher serves no purpose outside of her having a "normal job."

The main character's name is Tori Bell. It's like if a person from Jersey was saying terrible. 

She put a guy named Manucci put in prison when she was a teenager, because she comes from a family of white trash bounty hunters. Also, we find out that if you are a bounty hunter, you must dress like a ho fo sho to avoid suspicion. That's how they roll in Joisey.

Even worse, she has to work with her ex-boyfriend on this case who is played by The Miz. What's his character's name? Haha, so glad you asked, because his name is Mikey Muscles. The man can literally only respond to Mike or The Miz. Anything else may make his brain melt.

Back to the mission: Tori has to take out Manucci's sister, Big Donna, who has three bodyguards. Luckily one bodyguard gets distracted by mannequin breasts, another gets chloroformed, and another gets in a fight with The Miz. He obviously loses. They plant a tracking device that is the size of Zack Morris's cell phone in her purse, which she finds immediately and uses to bait them into a trap.

They get into a shootout, and my favorite moment happened. Tori yells 12 o'clock to Mikey Muscles, and he blindly shoots above his head and kills a bad guy. Nobody has ever used the clock location system to determine whether people are above or below you in the history of the world, but Mikey Muscles knew. I cannot wait to start using this new method of location.

Her Dad doesn't believe in sleeves; I just thought I should bring that up. Oh, also her brother is a nerd, mostly because he wears sleeves. We don't learn much else about him.

So you're probably wondering whether The Miz and Tori are going to get together, but she actually has a new nerd-man who proposed to her. James is a nice guy who has no idea that she is a bounty hunter. He also seems to have no idea what a shot and beer chaser is. He tries to make a joke about Cristal, but nobody gets it. Don't worry James, I laughed at it.

There is a shootout at the tree farm, and during the middle of the shootout, the boyfriend peaks his head out to say, "Hey, what's going on over here? Why you got a gun?" This is not how I would react to a shooting, but this guy is a little dense. His density gets him kidnapped. 

Big Donna's getting married. Instead of a coat check at the wedding, they have a gun check. Yep, that happened.

Then they finally catch the bad guys, so woohoo on that. Mikey Muscles is working on getting a law degree so he can become more of an adult. Then he wishes Tori the best with her new man. Tori thanks him for being mature and goes to spend time with James. They have a really nice talk until she promptly dumps poor James to get with The Miz. It didn't really make any sense. Then there was a random dance scene to tie everything together. Nothing makes sense.

Overall, this was not a good movie, but at the same time, it wasn't offensively bad. Compared to the other bad movies that I have watched in the past, this was a rather enjoyable experience. I'd give this movie 10 inch arms, obviously on a scale of 24 inch pythons.

1 comment:

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