Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 

Pretty please. 

No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 

Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

Suits Power Rankings - Heartburn

Man, I am already having Stemple withdrawal. That guy was fantastic. I really hated him. You know who else I miss? Harold. Harold was the bomb. And HARDMAN, too. That would be one hell of a spinoff show. Oh, you were wondering about actual things happening on Suits? Well, Scotty is the best, and Harvey hasn't been number one this entire season. It's been kind of wild. But, really, the past has little to do with this episode, it's the beginning of the future, ya'll. Let's dive in.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey definitely had his swagger back. First off, he punks out Tony Giannopoulos in his own office. Then he goes back to the office to put Mike in his place in the bathroom. Yo Suits, why are there so many meetings in the bathroom? How does everybody know each other's bowel movements so well? I imagine that there are a lot of scenes like this on the cutting room floor:

(Harvey approaches Mike's cubicle. Mike is nowhere to be found)
Harvey (to himself): Shitting won't save you this time, Mike.
(Flash to bathroom door being swung open violently and Harvey appearing and seeing Mike washing his hands)
Harvey: You've really done it this time.

If I were going to write Suits fan fiction, all scenes would take place in the bathroom. Anyway, Harvey's advice is for Mike to go to a small town in Iowa, which gets extra props since I'm from Iowa and I'm just going to assume that the creators love my rankings and wanted to give me a subtle shoutout. Holla back, playaz. Finally, we find out that he got his law school paid for by Pearson Hardman, because Harvey doesn't pay for shit. Nice work, Specter. The man is finally back on top.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - Uses Michigan State of Appeals to get what he wants, much like UConn used and abused Michigan State to get to the Final Four. Unfortunately, Sidwell is running into his version of Florida with copyright law. He is super bummed out as he will forever be making his salary which conservatively puts it comfortably in the seven figures, likely in the the eight figure range, and it wouldn't shock me if it was in the nine figure range. Oh, but despite getting blown out by Florida in the first half, Mike acts as his Shabazz Napier and takes them to the promised land. So, I guess we'll find out if this UConn analogy works in a couple days. But Sidwell deserves props, because he constantly looks down on lawyers as if they are preschoolers trying to make a house out of blocks. Demeaning people is America's real pastime, and this guy is USA all the way.

3. Mike Ross - Mike is always helping out the little guys, but in this case, the little guy is filthy rich and laughs at lawyers from Harvard, because it's the minor leagues in his world. Since this dude is filthy rich and getting his own company, he offers Mike a job where he doesn't even need to be a lawyer. His glass ceiling may have finally been lifted. Still, all he has is an offer for right now. Until he accepts it and the baller lifestyle that comes with it, he's just hanging out since he'll forever be an associate in the law world.

4. Dana Scott - In Chicago with a client. If that client is Michael Jordan, because she's stealing him from Harvey for him not being open and honest with her, let the record state that I would like to retroactively place her at number one forever and always.

5. Donna Paulsen - Donna was able to snag Scotty's coffee from Harvey since Scotty was out of town. That was probably her highlight from this entire season. Donna doesn't even get to have her own emotions, she just goes to the hospital to visit Louis to convey Harvey's emotions. She also helps Rachel get her college tuition, but nobody gives her credit.

6. Sheila Sass - Her boy toy had a heart attack, but she got a proposal out of the deal. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was unwilling to move to Boston. She thought it over and figured she would sacrifice and work at a second-tier law school in New York. But still, despite all her sacrifice, her man was not willing to bend on his need for children, so she's single and on the prowl. ME-OW.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters in this episode, so let's break it down point by point.
1. He starts off by calling his girlfriend, "Mom."
2. He sexes said girlfriend, because today is his goddamn day.
3. He couldn't get a cab, so he had to run to his hearing.
4. He delivers a closing argument where he just compliments the jury and brings up nothing about the case.
5. He has a heart attack.
6. He proposes to Sheila.
7. He exposes his butt to the world. The world is not impressed.
8. He calls Beacon Hill "Bacon Hill" despite it being on Harvard campus, so he should definitely know that.
9. He then says that the New York law schools are just as good as Harvard, but he is at a law firm that ONLY HIRES HARVARD GRADUATES. He tried to ruin Mike for not getting through Harvard legitimately, but now he thinks it is a degree factory. Make up your mind, dude.
10. His girlfriend finally agrees to give up her job to move to New York, bringing him great joy.
11. Psych, his joy immediately turns to sadness, because there is no way that babies are coming out of Sheila's love hole.
12. He probably starts calling all women, "Mom."

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is worried about money for tuition, but her family is filthy rich, so she could probably get cash from them. Rachel also realized she's a dummy who should probably get six figure bonuses in writing. I was pretty angry that she ended up getting the money for tuition because of Donna. I think this could have been a very valuable life lesson for Rachel. Also, maybe she could show some guts and actually ask Louis about the money.

9. Jessica Pearson - She gets punked out by her name partner and has to sign checks by herself. Still, she really doesn't want to sign a check for Rachel, because she's an idiot. I do not blame her. Still, the idiot had Donna on her side, so she decides to give her $200,000 instead of just suggesting Rachel get the money from her filthy rich parents.

10. Tony Giannopoulos - He got punked out by Harvey in his own office and then had to give a promotion to the guy he was trying to keep down throughout this whole process. Tony G was a lot more intimidating last season.

Suits Power Rankings - Buried Secrets

So where did we leave off? Harvey locked down Scotty in the most noncommital way ever, which is just top-notch work. Jessica wants Mike to stop dating Rachel, because it is messing with her business, but she needs to learn that you can't fight the moonlight. Louis is now suspicious that Mike did not go to Harvard, because he's not in their master records. I'm also pretty sure all the British people are gone, but they can be shifty, so I can't say for sure. Also, Harold be Harold.

Also, a disappointing note. I just binge watched Game of Thrones, and I really missed out on some good jokes from last season. I would have definitely said something witty like, "Edward Darby clearly has no balls" when he got owned by Harvey. Or I could have said, "Why doesn't Ava Hessington just let this go like she did with Jamie Lannister?" I guarantee a few of you would have had some chuckles, so I apologize for missing out on those opportunities. Anyway, onto the rankings:

1. Dana Scott - That's right; we're starting with a lady at the top of the rankings. She got a 10% signing bonus for being less of a pain in the ass than Harvey, so I now have a new negotiating technique for my next job offer. Most importantly, she signed Michael Phelps, which seemed pretty easy. Honestly, if I had a meeting with Scotty, I cannot tell you all of the things I would agree to. She's also got her man paying her bills, so really, life is pretty damn great for Scotty.

2. Mr. Ross - Mike's Dad loved to party for any occasion. Also, on his first date with his future wife, he got so drunk that he spilled his drink on her, and "forgot her wallet" so she had to pay. Baller status achieved.

3. Harvey Specter - I just want to point out that Harvey's pajamas are nicer than the clothes I usually go out to dinner in. Harvey wants Dana to work at the firm, because he thinks their relationship has staying power. Love makes people do silly things. Silliest is that Harvey paid a half million dollars to continue sleeping with Scotty, which, uh, wow, she must be dynamite in the sack.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is pissed that Harvey is offering his bangpiece jobs at the law firm without consulting her. Still, as long as she gets her 500 Gs, she's cool with just about anything. I can't blame her for that.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is obsessed with beating Rinaldi, and he's not going to let peanuts come into his deposition. He straight up owns the expert witness, and then proves that the guy who died basically killed himself by drinking champagne. That's a power move, but not understanding the difference between drinks and drunk is a tad childish. He could have just as easily blamed his Dad's reflexes on it being late at night and him being tired. Still, he ended his evening with Rachel and sushi, so things could be worse for him.

6. Rachel Zane - Critiquing furniture as an excuse to move in together is a little passive aggressive for my tastes. She wastes a lot of time lighting candles when she really could have just put on that outfit and been done with her seduction techniques. She is only this high on the list for superficial reasons.

7. Sheila Sass - Wonderfully anal. She can also be bad, as she figuratively and possibly literally beat the shit out of Louis.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is concerned that Mike may have gone to a third-tier law school like Arizona State, and his impression of Arizona State students is shockingly accurate. Might be able to learn from them college kids on avoiding a Black Hawk Down situation. He disturbingly had his erect penis referred to as The Dark Knight Rises, so is Louis's penis horribly bruised and discolored? Whatever they do in their sex life, count me out.

9. Michael Phelps - Turned down Harvey as his lawyer, but got seduced by Scotty. Can't blame him for that.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna throws Louis off Mike's scent but doesn't really get hers. She's just a secondary character these days. Maybe she can start dating Michael Phelps.

11. Nick Rinaldi - The man who only gave Mike's family a few dollars for his parents' lives. He apologized, so he thought him and Mike were cool. Apparently not. He also calls Mike "son" which is a pretty great power move. He also showed Mike that his Dad had two drinks the night that they got killed by a drunk driver. Still, he lost the case, and he may be the least impressive lawyer that has ever been on the show.

12. Professor Girard - Never gets A+, because he's an old douche.

13. Rebecca Carlin - Slept with Harvey when she thought he was gay. Then had to get medicine for crabs because of Scotty's lies. Mentally struggles with itchy vagina to this day.

Suits Power Rankings - Stay

Okay, so here's the story: The last Suits was during the week leading up to my wedding. I snuck in a late night viewing of the episode and took notes. But I never actually formed my notes into meaningful sentences. Now it's six weeks later, and I have a lot of things that make no sense. Still, maybe you can make sense of these ramblings. I tried to rank people, but it was based on very limited information. For the previous week's coherent rankings, click here. Now onto the ramblings:

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is using his main squeeze to find top notch candidates, but seeing himself in his LARP gear gets him all boned up. Still, a 77 minute break is long enough, he's got to get to work. Louis slays so much tang that he doesn't even realize when ladies fall in love. Then Louis finds out that Mike Ross never went to Harvard. CLIFFHANGER!

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey is trying to do the right thing, but he is also trying to help out Scotty. He hates Tanner, so he gives him a good zinger about never winning against him. Harvey loves zingers, both the quick wit ones and the delicious Hostess treats. Harvey also finds out that Scotty was engaged while he was giving her the business. Whoopsies. He's a smooth talkin' son of a gun. That's how he not only wins over Ava to win the case, but he also wins Scotty's heart without ever telling her that he loved her. All he had to say is, "I want you in my life." I have Facebook friends that I haven't said a word to in years that are technically in my life. Don't hate the game.

3. Jessica Pearson - She knows they have no chance to win against Ava Hessington's lawsuit. But she is also involving herself in Mike and Rachel's relationship, because A) she loves office gossip, and B) She realizes that Mike sharing his secret with Robert Zane's daughter could bury her firm, and that shit don't fly with her.

4. Dana Scott - Scotty gets Harvey to help her out on the Ava Hessington case. She also isn't going to take any shit from Tanner.

5. Sheila Sass - Created an app to help Louis find the best candidates, but that's just so she can get the business. She didn't get a kiss goodbye from him, so she decided to break Louis. Then they make up and make love.

6. Mike Ross - Mike is very broken up about Rachel thinking about Stanford. Mike goes to Harvey for love advice, but luckily ignores everything he hears.

7. Rachel Zane - Rachel needs to spread her wings.

8. Donna Paulsen - Gives up the goods on Mike and Rachel's relationship to Jessica. What a boner. Then she makes up for it by tricking Huntley into confessing to his lies.

9. Ava Hessington - Ava is going after Harvey with full force.

10. Stephen Huntley - Signed an affidavit to bury Scotty. He's lying, but the guy is up for murder, so lying is the least of his worries. He fell for some Franklin and Bash shenanigans, because everyone is the worst lawyer ever.

11. Travis Tanner - Tanner is back on the case to try to beat Harvey. Tanner is the king of gossip, so he knows everybody's business. Tanner gives ladies a special drink to try to get them to turn on old flames. It never works, but it's his go-to. 

Suits Power Rankings: Week 5 - Normandy

This episode may have been called Normandy, but it should have been called Ladies Night, because the ladies were ON POINT in this episode. It seems that they one-upped every guy that they interacted with and good for them. Too often, ladies play by the rules, but I saw a different side where these Law Ladies played by their own rules, and, not gonna lie, it was a major turn on. Last week's rankings are here, now onto this week's list:

1. Jessica Pearson - Her firm has no money, which is embarrassing. I thought she was going to have a very weak performance, but she's still got swagger. She did a great job of putting people in their places. Then at the end, she threw everyone a curveball. By thinking about a merger with Darby, she was able to share her books, and he was able to find the embezzlement by HARDMAN. That is playing by your own rules and some great lawyerin'. Great job, Jessica. You have earned the number one spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - Was putting Mike in his place repeatedly. Then she pulled a power move on Rachel and made her feel like shit. Then she beat Mike to the information that they were searching for. She is basically driving Mike and Rachel to a joint suicide. She notifies Rachel that it's good that she is going to law school, because lawyers "sleep with the paralegals, but end up with the lawyers." She was a total bitch, and I loved it. I like Kat, but I can't help but wish it was played by Autumn Reeser. I mean, really, who couldn't use more Taylor Townsend in their life?

3. Dana Scott - Never got married, but still looking good. She took the Bakersfield case, so that's baller of her. Then she made fun of Harvey's age, which takes balls, vagina balls, but balls nonetheless. She showed so much balls that she forced Harvey to join up with her firm. Also, her firm has a jet, and she litigated Harvey into sleeping with her. Surprisingly, no lady has ever gotten me on a private jet and convinced me into sleeping with her. She tricked Harvey pretty well, but he left her with her cleavage hanging out. Don't worry, sweet Scotty, if you give me a ride on your jet, I'll give you a ride on my rocket. HEY-OH!

4. Mike Ross - Mike Ross would have a great college, because he would only let in hot chicks. He gets totally owned by Katrina repeatedly, as she always finds a way to be a step ahead. But he uses her own methods against her to get major credit for helping out in the Folsom Foods case. I still can't put him quite as high as the ladies.

5. Harvey Specter - Needs to get the cash money. Harvey really impressed me by using a WWII reference instead of a Michael Jordan reference. It looked like Scotty had a leg up on him, and not in a good way where that leg is up on his shoulder, HEY-OH! But then he totally gets her firm to do exactly what he wants. Harvey made a lady with no uterus cry. His bad cop was on point. He turns down Scotty, because she actually knew more than he did and was tricking him the whole time. This means no sex and no partnership, because Michael Jordan didn't need teammates...to buy the Bobcats (I'm actually pretty sure he does have partners in that, but I couldn't ignore the contributions of Scottie Pippen and friends during the glory years, and I needed to make some sort of Michael Jordan reference).

6. Edward Darby - He's one cool cat who wants to get naked with Harvey. Everyone at that damn British firm wants to have sex with Harvey. Plus he might merge with Pearson Hardman. I know PH always says they are the best firm in New York, but they have no money, and this firm in England seems like way better off. But, as the saying goes, Darby's gonna Darb.

7. Daniel Hardman - Pearson Hardman spent a bunch of time trying to start where HARDMAN would not be, and that is exactly where he was. Unfortunately, they got into his head when they took his name plate down. Then he got outhustled by Jessica's tricks. Please don't go, HARDMAN. I'll miss you.

8. Sheila Sass - Stopped Rachel from getting into Harvard. Then banged Louis, but didn't get her vagina balls off enough to let Rachel in. Tough break.

9. Louis Litt - "Litt"erally was not around for the first half of this episode, but immediately made an impact by assuring Rachel that he would get her into Harvard. Then he gets after it with Sheila.  Louis said she didn't get in, because she wanted revenge, but it was because he couldn't give her the business well enough.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's looking at places to live near Harvard, but she didn't get in, so whoopsies. But she put on her sexiness to help out Mike and screw over Katrina, so props to her for that. Even if she can't get into Harvard, she can still go to law school. Maybe she'll go to Greendale Community College and be Law classmates with Jeff Winger.