Suits Power Rankings - We're Done

The biggest question I was left with from last week was, should I start referring to Charles Forstman as FORSTMAN, since he is definitely the most diabolical human being since HARDMAN. Ultimately, Forstman's power is more reserved, and he doesn't need to use force, or Forst, to get what he wants, so he will stay with the relaxed typing of his name. Other stuff happened too. You can read about it here. But enough with the small talk, it's time to focus on the present:

1. Charles Forstman - It was not nearly as strong of a performance as last week, but he retains his number one spot despite circling Mike's neighborhood for two hours before Mike finally came out and got a coffee. I have to think he could have been spending his time better than that. He more than redeems himself by making Louis take a check to ensure that he will own him for the foreseeable future. Honestly, things are going pretty great for Mr. Forstman, so it is no wonder that he has that cocky grin on his face at all times.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - He's not hiring Mike back, and I respect that he doesn't bend on his principles. You get one shot with Sidwell, and that makes him the most honorable person out there.

3. Harvey Specter - Picking fights with Cahill but still finding time to be a friend to Mike. Besides that, he makes a super silly decision to get rid of Logan Sanders for wanting to bang his associate. Hey Harvey, I'm guessing all of your clients have probably had a beatoff session to Rachel, so this is not a viable long-term solution. But he was able to get Mike back in the firm thanks to Louis, and let's face it, in Mike's heart, Rachel is a DISTANT number two behind Spec.

4. Sean Cahill - Cahill would have punched Harvey in the face, but luckily, Harvey waited for him to finish his classic story abut mail fraud, so he let it slide. I hope he seduces Katrina Bennett to get dirt on the firm. That's a power couple right there.

5. Katrina Bennett - Probably the best cheerleader on the show. Does a great job of making Louis feel good about himself, no matter how bad things are going.

6. Donna Paulsen - She spent her time trying to clean up everyone's mess. Everybody took her advice, which was positive, but the fact that Rachel knew she would be home alone instead of on a date cuts deeper than she will let anyone know.

7. Rachel Zane - Confesses to being a "Dirty, filthy, disgusting, brutal, trash-bag ho." Well, she would have had Chris Jericho been there to coax her along at least. She is doubting the existence of love, and really, who could blame her? Let's look at all the prominent marriages at the law firm. First, there's...yep, not a single one. Franklin, it may be time to give up on love, but I think she can find someone to Bash her.

8. Jeff Malone - Jeff Malone is an idiot. He is very concerned that Jessica doesn't trust him in everything that he does. The problem with that is that he can't do his job competently, so he really has nothing to be mad about. Still, he must be one hell of a lover, because she apologized to him for him being incompetent and insubordinate, so good on you having some God-given talent in the bedroom.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is breaking the law and feeling great about it until Forstman makes him take a bonus, so he is explicitly tied to breaking the law. Louis almost went all-in on his love with Sheila, but he decided to save Mike Ross, the man who convinced him that Sheila was engaged to Lorenzo Lamas. By bringing Mike in, he unknowingly exposed the firm even more to the investigation by the SEC.

10. Jessica Pearson - She is handing out favors to Louis, although it ultimately backfires when her worst nightmare is realized and Mike Ross is brought back to the firm. Also, she apologized to her incompetent boyfriend who messed up a contract and refused to double check it. You're dating a nincompoop, Jessica, a nincompoop.

11. Mike Ross - Turned down a million dollar signing bonus without a second thought. I'm gonna be real for a second. For a million dollar signing bonus, I would consider working for Hitler. Ultimately, I would turn it down, but I'd at least consider it, maybe even justify that I could take the money and be the bumbling buffoon of the Third Reich, screwing up things with hilarious antics, but even then, I couldn't take the risk that one of my stupid ideas would end up being brilliant and lead to a whole lot of bad things. Still, you have to consider that sort of offer. Harvey told him to find job advice, and he ended up going to a fantasy baseball nerd instead. Mike, winning your league is not as important as finding a new job (But if you're reading this, does he think that the Cardinals can turn around Justin Masterson? I'm asking for a friend who needs pitching help). Had he not been taking life advice from a poor man's Matthew Berry, he probably wouldn't have had his heart broken. Harvey gave Mike level-headed advice, but since Harvey's fantasy credentials are shaky, at best (He drafted Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, come on), Mike doesn't feel it necessary to listen to him.

12. Amy - Mike spent about three seconds concerned for her well-being, so that moment will likely go down as the most significance she has played in his life.

13. Logan Sanders - Fights like an idiot, and I'm not saying fighting is stupid, I'm saying his strategy literally could not have been worse. If you're going to shoot for a takedown, you need to finish that takedown. Mike didn't do any sort of sprawl to prevent it, but Logan just stopped his momentum and hugged Mike's waist like his little buddy. Then he gets hip tossed, which is probably a relief, since Mike easily could have dropped elbows on the back of his head which could have done all sorts of brain scrambling. No wonder Rachel wants nothing to do with him. If he is only taking half shots, what else is he only giving half effort on? FINISH YOUR SHOT.

Suits Power Rankings - Litt the Hell Up

Last week, the greatest moment ever happened, and the internet rejoiced. This week could not possibly be as momentous, or could it? Well, Suits tweeted this out to the number one fan (and there number two through number 100,000 fan).

@HottJoe When lines are crossed -- both in work and love -- who'll have most exposure? Rachel? The firm? Mike? Louis's codpiece?
— Suits (@Suits_USA) July 23, 2014

Still, it is clear that I matter to the people at Pearson Specter. But this week still had a tough act to follow. The number one guy on this list did his best by screwing over everyone that he saw. It could be the greatest single week performance in Suits history. Let's get to it.

1. Charles Forstman - When Louis was able to nullify the deal for the Wexler shares, Forstman was there to scoop them up. So Harvey tried to come in his office like a big swinging dick with a fancy car and some leverage, but Forstman had already taken his leverage, and Harvey was so flustered that he left the keys to his car. Harvey probably had to walk home after their meeting to avoid the embarrassment of going back upstairs.

But that's all great for his new buddy, Mike Ross, right? NOPE, because Forstman plays by his own rules, so he sold all of his shares to Louis, mostly because he loves screwing people over.

So this is good for Louis, right? NOPE. Forstman knows that Pearson Specter are being investigated by the SEC, so he sets up a shady deal to get them in trouble, so the hammer is about to fall so hard on Louis.

Well, at least Jonathan Sidwell came out unscathed? Haha, nope on that one too. He told Sidwell that Mike was ready to screw him over in order to make the deal, so Sidwell lost a friend and had to fire Mike. So, yes, that does mean that Forstman double screwed over Mike Ross. I would not be surprised if Forstman sends Mike a video of him banging Rachel just to hammer home the point of how much he doesn't give a shit.

2. Sean Cahill - Cahill brings in Logan Sanders just so he can bust Harvey's balls. Days are pretty slow at the SEC, so he likes to pull these pranks to help pass the time.

3. Louis Litt - Louis is in a good mood, and that means personalized mugs for everyone. They are personalized with his own slogan, but that's still personalized. There is nobody better than him at finding flaws in legal documents. Unfortunately, he's also the best at messing up Harvey's world. I've seen less shitting on people in German Scat Films than Harvey has done to Louis this season. Louis has basically turned into Harold, and if Pearson Specter needed a Harold, they should really just get Harold. So how is Louis still this high? Well, he got the deal done, and Harvey forgave him for everything and even said that Forstman got Litt the Hell Up. A reasonable person could say that he broke laws in order to close the deal, but that hasn't come back to haunt him yet, and since nobody has ever gotten away with the most minor mistake (outside of Mike Ross not having a law degree), Louis is probably due for some good luck. I doubt we even revisit this little snafu in the future.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica puts the hammer down on Harvey to end the big deal. Then she goes behind her bangpiece's back to have Louis clean up his mess. I know Louis gets shit on a lot, but I really hope that Jessica doesn't decide that he should clean up Jeff Malone's messes in the bedroom.

5. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a tough boss, but he's a fair boss. He might be the most honorable guy in investment banking history, as he just wants to trust people, but Mike tried to screw him over, and he had no choice but to fire him. Since he likes smart people who think outside of the box, he may have to stretch his search from coast to coast to find a replacement. Luckily, there is not one, but two people that would be perfect for the job.


6. Logan Sanders - Logan has mad game, and he's got power over Rachel. Logan does his deals face-to-face, especially when dealing with the current boyfriend of a love interest. This obviously backfires for him as he loses his lawyer, but Louis comes in to save the deal and get Gillis Industries for him. Still, Harvey did try to drop him as a client so he could represent Mike. I can't imagine Logan is going to be too keen on sticking around unless he's sticking it to an associate.

7. Rachel Zane - Has a sad cab ride and keeps notes from ex-boyfriends. She also reminisces about the old times where she was a sexy little scamp up to nothing but mischief. Then she makes out with her ex-boyfriend to pull off the bad girlfriend trifecta (there are probably worse trifectas out there for girlfriends, but this is still bad). Rachel is the worst at cheating as she immediately tells the first person she runs into. She also gets into Mike's head, ruins the buyout deal, and then Mike loses his job. Next week, she will dump Mike and tell him that she poisoned his Grandma. WHOOPSIES.

8. Donna Paulsen - She gives Harvey bad news and then gets bad news out of Rachel. She gave Rachel advice, but she wasn't specific enough, so Rachel screws it up. She should have known better. If you tell Rachel to pick up some Chinese food, she'll be back in a week after a trip to China. You have to tell her to just call the delivery place down the street or she will take the path of most resistance.

9. Harvey Specter - Harvey is the prettiest girl at the dance, and he's got Mike and Logan fighting for his love, but he didn't let them profess their love enough and just chose Mike, which seems silly. Also, he got totally owned by Charles Forstman, and that owning could continue for weeks. Let's just hope it wasn't raining when he was walking home after forgetting his keys.

10. Katrina Bennett - Just doing some filing in the library. Another exciting Thursday night for Katrina.

11. Jeff Malone - He is confident in his skills, and he refuses to look over his work. He has good reason to be as he is better than 99% of all lawyers. Unfortunately, that may make him the worst lawyer at Pearson Specter. His deal for shares is null and void, so let's hope that doesn't happen to his romantic deal with Jessica.

12. Amy - Does not know how to do dress professionally, may lose her job by association.

13. Mike Ross - Mike felt really good early on. It looked like he was finally going to close on the Gillis Industries purchase. But he let his woman convince him to stick it to Logan Sanders, and since he didn't close the deal right then and there, he ended up losing everything. He lost the deal, he lost his job, and his girlfriend is making out with other dudes, so he may want to tell her to get lost too. It's not a great time to be Mike Ross.

14. Walter Gillis - Has anyone even told him that he lost his company? 

Suits Power Rankings - Pound of Flesh

Last week, I made a bunch of references to Lorenzo Lamas in my review. I doubted that they would ever make a reference cooler than the man who played Reno Raines. The Lorenzo Lamas reference is equivalent to a unicycle with a flat tire; the reference they made this week is a 2007 Volvo S60. Yeah, they went and put on maybe the best episode ever. I seriously cannot wait to get to the rankings. Here is a link to last week's. Now onto the 60 minutes that may have changed my entire life.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey started off a little slow, as Cahill actually held his ground. Then he went on a murdering spree. His victims:

Mike, who thought he could trick Harvey, but Harvey saw right through his plan, and sent him back to his fancy office with a frown on his face and his tail between his legs.
Jeff, who tried to justify not doing shady things, because that's not why he was brought on, but Harvey quickly informed him that he will do whatever Harvey says and he will like it.
Rachel, who wanted a day off, and Harvey made her feel as if she was asking for a private plane and a billion dollar salary. It took about 45 seconds to have her begging to work more hours.
Mike, again, when he tried to confront Harvey in the bathroom, but then realized Harvey had already thought all of Mike's plans through and annihilated his chances of winning.
Mike, a third time, when he questions Harvey about why he is at the hospital, and quickly replies that he would have visited Mike in the hospital if he ever worked hard enough to pass out.

Yes, he did run into some problems when Jessica went behind his back to buy up those shares, but that just gave him more time to show his heart of gold by taking blame and showing sincere regret to Mike followed by going to see Donna's play and making her feel like the belle of the ball.

2. Sean Cahill - While Harvey is busy on his murder spree, Cahill goes toe-to-toe with Harvey, TWICE, and gets the upper hand both times. That was amazing, but it was a pithy little one liner that truly changed the game. I watched it a half dozen times, as I had to make sure it was real and not some sort weird Suits dream (this happens more than I would like to admit). He says, and I quote, "Which one of you is Frankiln, and which one of you is Bash?" He called Mike and Harvey "Franklin and Bash." HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. I'm done. This is the pinnacle of Suits...unless...no, they couldn't...could they? No, it would never happen...but maybe...I mean, it would almost be irresponsible to type it out...but it'd be silly not to throw it out there. Okay, I guess I have to throw it out there. PEARSON SPECTER FRANKLIN AND BASH. It's got a nice ring to it.

3. Jessica Pearson - The one person who gets the upperhand on Harvey as she doesn't care about honesty, honor, or even employees in the hospital, she cares about the client making some scrilla. That's some hardcore lawyerin' right there.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna has a personal life, which obviously pumps me up, as I am a huge advocate for her having a life that does not revolve around others. I am incredibly happy that she has a huge part in a Shakespeare play. She finally shows some vulnerability, and she played it safe her whole life without pursuing her true dream. Finally, she believes in herself and owns her Shakespearian part. Since Louis helped her memorize her lines, she helps him overcome his stage fright. In the end, she gets a free ride to her final show from Harvey, who takes the time to let her know that she is his number one priority...for one night at least.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Being a good friend to Donna by helping her memorize her lines. Of course, LML knows all of Willie's plays by heart. Unfortunately, he's never been able to perform because of stage fright. I'm not an expert on stage fright, but isn't, like, THE closest thing to being on a stage, performing as a lawyer in front of a jury? Turns out it is as Louis overcomes his fears and crushes his role. Then he tells Donna that she could be a lawyer, which means that everyone on this show will be a lawyer one day in honor of these power rankings that did not rank non-lawyers when it started. After this and the Franklin and Bash comment, I am 100% positive that the bigwigs over at Suits are reading, so hey guys and gals, sup? I'm ready to join the staff anytime you need me. Also, advanced copies of episodes would be fantastic. Email me at uncensoredwriting@gmail.com

6. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a Wall Street hotshot with a heart of gold, and everybody is happy that Mike will not have to screw him over in order to get his deal done.

7. Jeff Malone - Has to do some shady stuff to set up a trust for Logan Sanders, which makes him uncomfortable. When he complains about being shady, he gets treated like a bitch by Harvey. But he comes up with a perfect plan to get Logan Sanders the shares, so now he finally tops Karl as Harvey's favorite Malone.

8. Charles Forstman - Forstman respects Mike's crazy little plan and gives him the money without Mike having to screw over Sidwell. The gray fox never ceases to surprise.

9. Logan Sanders - Gave Rachel flowers, but still wanted her to get back to work. I respect that.

10. Mike Ross - He turned off his girlfriend's alarm like that is a good thing, only because he didn't want her to go to the hospital. What a jerk. Then he gets repeatedly owned by Harvey, but everything turned around for him in the end as Forstman is giving Sidwell the money, so Mike does not have to screw over the nicest Wall Street hotshot in history, and he has the money to crush Harvey. Still, that's all future success. This week was pretty rough overall.

11. Danyel H - Did not make the Suits Live leaderboard last week but came back to claim the #2 spot this week. The only question is how many of the answers are coming from Danyel and how many are coming from her cat.

12. Amy - She existed. She tries to talk sense into Mike, but he barely listens; I barely listen. She seems more of a Michael Bay prop actress as opposed to a Shakespeare thespian.

13. Rachel Zane - Is stuck between two dudes. She's a little too obsessed with law school considering she is already guaranteed a job when she graduates. C's get degrees, baby girl. This is not an aim for the stars, and you'll land on the moon situation. This is more of a situation where if you want to fly, buy a kite. Unfortunately, her rocket ship burns up at liftoff, and her lazy ass is in the hospital. Worst part about being in the hospital is she missed out on a steak dinner. If my main squeeze went out for steaks while I was in the hospital, it would lead to divorce. I would be inconsolable.

14. My Smugness When I Heard Dark Pool - I read Michael Lewis's Flash Boys, which discussed all things about the new stock market and dark pools were a huge part. I felt like the hottest of hot shots when I heard the term. Seriously, my smugness was at epic proportions. I was sniffing my own farts for the next six hours. Is that paprika I smell? Why yes, yes it is.

Suits Power Rankings - Leveraged

Suits really needs to stop taking weeks off. I'm not just talking about in the middle of a season either; I mean, they need to stop taking breaks. 52 episodes, is that so much to ask? The WWE has at least eight hours of content each week, and between all of that, nearly an hour is good. Suits just needs a really good editing staff to cut down the eight hours of crap into one great hour of television every single week of our lives. Come on, Suits Recruits, together we can do this. Where did we leave off last? No clue, it was TWO WEEKS ago. I faintly remember Mike and Harvey going against each other, Louis being lonely, and their being the hottest of sexual tensions between Jessica and Jeff Malone. What could be hotter than that? One thing: Lorenzo Lamas, who is the true number one of this week's power rankings. For actual people on the show, continue reading.

1. Sean Cahill - All he did was take people out like he was Bobby Sixkiller. Totally punked out both Jessica and Jeff. His smugness is so magnificent. Even when it appeared that he was losing, he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. And then, it turned out that he totally played Jessica and Jeff and they did exactly what he wanted. Eric Woodall is not a worthy competitor, but Sean Cahill has SEC SPEED, which can outmaneuver just about anyone in New York, which is clearly a Rutgers town.

2. Donna Paulsen - Finally, let's give credit where credit is due. This is what we need from Donna. She barges into Mike's office and starts busting skulls. She gets what she wants and moves on. Then she puts Harvey in his place, so he will make amends with Louis. She didn't take gruff, she didn't worry about gossip, she just got shit done. It was reminiscent of Sergeant Bobby Chase in Terminal Justice. Excellent work, Donna.

3. Harvey Specter - Drives an hour out of his way just to talk shit to Eric Woodall. Surpsingly, that did not get him the spot to head up the case against the SEC. He must have forgotten to tell them that he gave Woodall yesterday's paper, making it virtually useless. For his real case, things were also not going well, as he found out that Louis had never watched the show Renegade. As a fan of the classics, this is an unforgivable offense in his book, , and he was just using Louis's law mishaps to throw him off the scent of his Reno Raines fan club.

4. Charles Forstman - He's evil, but Harvey doesn't actually give the details as to why he is evil, so Mike goes into business with him, which will screw over Sidwell. I'm not exactly sure how a single line in a contract can cut out the boss of the guy who is making the deal, because I feel like investment bankers would do that anytime they made a deal, so they could use somebody else's money but keep all the profits, but Forstman must be pretty handy with the legalese. He sees himself as a Vince Black, but I think he will prove to be more of a Marshal "Dutch" Dixon.

5. Jeff Malone - Jeff and I have a lot in common. Everything he does is sexy...in his own mind. He was nearly fired from his last job, and he has the ability to plow through rejections in order to seduce a woman in power. Still, he fell into a classic lawyer trap, and now he's stuck with his pants around his ankles. That's bad in business, but at least he's taking advantage of that situation in his personal life.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made a lawyer a partner who was about to be fired, whoopsies! Still, she put Harvey in his place, and she is about to have her cake and eat it too with some classic films (Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster) and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

7. Rachel Zane - She is showing that she is an expert lawyer, despite only being a law student. She can look at cover pages and realize that the deals are no good, but she gives Logan options, and they work all night together to get him prepared for his board meeting. But all that research made things hot and steamy, and those two nearly rekindled their burning flame of love. Still, Rachel was responsible and backed herself out of what could have turned into a sticky situation. So keep on keepin' on, Ms. Zane, you're like a young Cheyenne Phillips.

8. Tony Giannopoulos - Does not know how to repay favors, does know how to give payback though.

9. Logan Sanders - Logan uses the classic plan of seduction where he buries Rachel in work, so that she'll be so turned on that she lets him bury something else. She's starting to wear down, which is good for him, because Logan is a dog with a bone that needs burying.

10. Amy - So that's Mike's Assistant's name? Okay, good to know. Her whole role on this show is to be a poor man's Donna, but if that's the case, give her some individual characteristics. Instead of liking lame things like Broadway shows, make me fall in love with her when she cuts out of work early to go to Beat The Streets or an independent wrestling show. I doubt those are her interests, which means I doubt I will be sad to see her go.

11. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell may be the most honorable guy in this bubble. He likes money; that is why he wanted his own company. When people make him money, he's happy. When people lose him money, he's sad. His motivations never change, so at least you know what you are getting from him. Unfortunately, honor does not take you very far in these power rankings, and he's currently being duped, which is bad news for him.

12. Mike Ross - Mike is going to acquire Gillis Industries, or he's done as an investment banker. Instead of crunching numbers, he's using Photoshop, which is really the way that gets business done these days. The plan works almost every time, but somehow Tony Giannopoulos was able to resist a business plan that had his head photoshopped onto Scrooge McDuck's body jumping into a pool of gold coins. Luckily, that same plan did work when he sent it to Charles Forstman. Unfortunately, Forstman is evil, and despite Harvey warning him not to, he made a deal with him, and now his future is tied to Forstman.

 13. Eric Woodall - He's just a pud who is cutting out yesterday's coupons in a tomorrow world.

14. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is turning down J-Date requests left and right, because he's still in love with Sheila. Unfortunately, that love is blinding him to his job, as he keeps messing things up for the world's best best friend, Harvey Specter. He is left in a heaping pile of emotions, while Harvey probably goes out and revenge bangs Sheila. Louis got Litt Up. 

Suits Power Rankings - One-Two-Three Go...

It's been a long time. Two whole months since the last season of Suits ended. Are they slowly getting us ready for this to be a year-round show? Oh God, I hope so. They could definitely fit in some Harold-based episodes if that was the case. We could see how Scotty's doing at her new firm. Life would be pretty grand. But anyway, Suits is back. Important things to remember: Harvey dumped Scotty, Mike dumped Harvey, Louis dumped Sheila, and Harold took a dump on the government investigators. So yeah, this show's the shit. Before we get started with the power rankings, I'd just like to point out that this season opened with everyone banging. Just going from scene to scene with different people getting their freak on. It was amazing. Now, onto the sexually charged rankings.

1. Mike Ross - Mike really struggled lately in these rankings. He just didn't have what it takes to be a consistent top performer, but that all changed with his new job. He started off slow when he thought he had a good deal, because it was going to make 30% profit? Ha, what a loser. That might be good in any business that has ever existed, but this is hedge funds, and that's only considered a single in this biz. Still, he had swagger. Even with those singles, he was willing to talk trash to both Harvey and Donna, because nobody makes fun of his vests without paying the consequences. Mike was hoping that Harvey would put Rachel hard to work on his proposal so he didn't have to go to the Daft Punk concert, but Harvey stayed one step ahead and gave her the afternoon off to give them enough time for dinner and a crappy concert. Old Mike would have took that, but new Mike is having none of it as he starts looking for new lawyers who are willing to go along with his big plan. Then Mike uses his heart of gold to convince Gillis that he is the man who should buy out his company. Mike crushed things this week. The only real issue was that Harvey is still coming, along with Logan Sanders's money and his golden dong (we'll get to that later).

2. Jessica Pearson - I thought Jessica didn't want to hire Jeff Malone, because Jeff was only her fourth favorite Malone athlete behind Moses, Karl, and obviously first place goes to Sam Malone. But it turns out that Jeff Malone has been giving her the business well before he wanted to join her business. She ends up hiring him and banging him, although the order gets a little blurry their towards the end. Still, good on her for getting some and finally making a diversity hire, so now somebody else can use her blacks-only bathroom.

3. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't give a shit about people's jobs. He cares about money. This is a hedge fund, not some bitch-ass law firm. But he also doesn't want to spend money to make money. He just wants the money to appear magically. It's a brilliant business plan if it works, and I might just implement it myself. Finally, he decides to give up a little money, but if he doesn't make a 6,000,000,000% profit, he'll be a little bummed out.

4. Logan Sanders - He wants to purchase Gillis Industries, just like Mike. He already rented something that Mike is currently trying to own when Logan banged Rachel while he was married, and he managed to do that before he got his shit together. I know that may make him seem like a bad dude, but what if Rachel was one of the five girls on his list that he was allowed to bang? Then he is just a guy playing within the rules. He also says a lot of cliches, and Harvey loves cliches.

5. Jeff Malone - He is a beast, a real hotshot at the SEC. He is using that to get a job at Pearson-Specter. Unfortunately, Harvey didn't vet him, because apparently it's some SEC that is based in New York, and not the South Eastern Conference. Jeff may be impressive, but he doesn't have that SEC speed, and even though he knows about offense, he needs to beef up his defense if he wants to compete against the Alabamas of the world. But he has an ace in the hole in that he's throwing it deep in Jessica, which is the best way to get a good opportunity in this job market.

6. Dana Scott - She's at her new job, likely trying to help her client who is trying to leverage their 4.9% share of Gillis Industries into buying the whole thing.

7. Donna Paulsen - She tried to convince Harvey to be nice to Mike, but she failed at that mission. She was right in the end, and Harvey even admitted it. That makes this the most exciting week in Donna's diary since she was sleeping with a war criminal.

8. Harvey Specter - He had a morning meeting, aka a bang session. Luckily he wasn't too tired to purposely ignore Mike's first big idea from his new job. Unofrtunately, things went downhill fast from there. Since he ignored that offer, it meant that Mike had to look for other lawyers, which led to Mike not taking priority when another client came in with the same idea. So now Mike is no longer his client, and he had to tell two women that they were right. It was a rough week for Harvey. At least he never called the girl before the girl called him.

9. Katrina Bennett - She finds out the same information as Louis. She also uses photoshop to make business cards for him. She does have a boyfriend, which leads me to...

10. Harold Gunderson - He is clearly Katrina's boyfriend. I can't believe they weren't a part of the bang montage at the beginning of the episode, but Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. Oh, and I'm going to guess that he's also trying to help his client buy Gillis Industries.

11. Rachel Zane - She is Harvey's new associate, and she has yet to figure out how to be clever around him. She got to go see Daft Punk, but Mike had a bad attitude, so she did not "Get Lucky." The good news is that she did bang a married guy, but sadly, she did it before he got his head on straight, so she banged him while he was still a loser instead of the CEO to a billion dollar corporation. That's not a good look on you, Rachel. Not a good look at all.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - Drinking prune smoothies (Prunies) to keep up that geriatric energy. He decided to wait for the pretty girl (Harvey and Jessica) to call him for the first time in his life, and that girl ended up taking someone else to Prom (Handle the case that is being built by the SEC). His dreams of becoming a name partner appear to be getting a busy signal.

13. Walter Gillis - Walter is the most easily convinced human being on the planet. He doesn't want to sell his distribution plants until Mike offers him something larger than what he expected. 30 seconds later, they're sold. He doesn't want to sell the whole thing, until 90 seconds later, and now he's game to give it up, because Mike brought up a bunch of dead people. I wish Walter was real. I'd just start naming dead presidents and could probably walk out with a million dollars. 

Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.

Suits Power Rankings - Know When to Fold 'Em

What happened last week? Well, I used an analogy where UConn won the National Title, and then it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a heart attack and lost his girlfriend while Harvey kept busy by rising to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be joining the dirtbag world of investment banking. It's time to look at this past episode.

1. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't want someone who is in it for the money, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the clear number one this week.

2. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis has a broken heart, but he manages to find a solution to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, despite saying he would be worthless about 30 seconds before that. That's a flip flop but still some good lawyering. Plus, he managed to skip work for a few days with nobody noticing. Sadly, with all the incompetence that was spreading around the office, that is enough to get him the number two spot this week.

3. Dana Scott - Scotty is rightfully pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a backbone, which is apparently a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her later, much later). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a loss for Scotty.

4. Harold Gunderson - He's coming.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is afraid of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the answer. He even tries to get more money and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Sizzle sees right through that plan. Finally, he makes the decision to become a hedge fund manager, until two hours later when he flips and becomes a lawyer. Also, he is now in the bar computer system, so all is well in the world, except he must still live in constant fear and he can never get credit for his work. But other than that, things are good.

6. Harvey Specter - Harvey is a big baby when it comes to his relationship, as he has more flip flops than a sorority. Then, he tells Mike to take the job despite him really wanting him to stay. He's basically a turd throughout the whole episode. You could say that his shining moment was beating Quelling in poker, but he he actually gave Quelling more ammunition to come after Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his little buddy decides to stay a lawyer.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is not a very competent executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but believed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from shoddy lawyering from Katrina, but then Louis fixed everything in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't have to pay Charles Van Dyke anything. I guess things worked out, but she did not show a high level of competence in this situation.

8. Charles Van Dyke - Charles used to be a partner, but now he wants to get paid more. He outlawyered Super Louis but couldn't handle Regular Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's game. It's time to put him out to pasture.

9. James Quelling - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job done. He is in heavy debt and looking to cash in with some good old-fashioned blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to spend one night to discover something that nobody else could figure out to try to screw over Mike Ross. Then he loses again, because gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which case they always win. I'm not sure if I learned a lesson on this one.

10. Katrina Bennett - She has to cover for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they team up with a super Louis. They obviously screwed the pooch by not looking deep enough into the books. Then she got her ass fired. Of course she was rehired a few hours later for her stupid loyalty.

11. Rachel Zane - She is trying to fill Mike's head with lies about Harvey so she can get that investment banking money. She also tried to play the role of lawyer again and failed miserably. I think Harvard made a very good decision by not admitting her.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna was THE WORST in this episode. She gives an impassioned speech to make Mike reconsider taking the job to protect Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Then she gives an impassioned speech to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the victim in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Mean Girls shit this episode, and when you mess with Scotty, you mess with me, and the only way I can extract revenge on fictional characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So take that, Donna, you're in last place.

Suits Power Rankings - Heartburn

Man, I am already having Stemple withdrawal. That guy was fantastic. I really hated him. You know who else I miss? Harold. Harold was the bomb. And HARDMAN, too. That would be one hell of a spinoff show. Oh, you were wondering about actual things happening on Suits? Well, Scotty is the best, and Harvey hasn't been number one this entire season. It's been kind of wild. But, really, the past has little to do with this episode, it's the beginning of the future, ya'll. Let's dive in.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey definitely had his swagger back. First off, he punks out Tony Giannopoulos in his own office. Then he goes back to the office to put Mike in his place in the bathroom. Yo Suits, why are there so many meetings in the bathroom? How does everybody know each other's bowel movements so well? I imagine that there are a lot of scenes like this on the cutting room floor:

(Harvey approaches Mike's cubicle. Mike is nowhere to be found)
Harvey (to himself): Shitting won't save you this time, Mike.
(Flash to bathroom door being swung open violently and Harvey appearing and seeing Mike washing his hands)
Harvey: You've really done it this time.

If I were going to write Suits fan fiction, all scenes would take place in the bathroom. Anyway, Harvey's advice is for Mike to go to a small town in Iowa, which gets extra props since I'm from Iowa and I'm just going to assume that the creators love my rankings and wanted to give me a subtle shoutout. Holla back, playaz. Finally, we find out that he got his law school paid for by Pearson Hardman, because Harvey doesn't pay for shit. Nice work, Specter. The man is finally back on top.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - Uses Michigan State of Appeals to get what he wants, much like UConn used and abused Michigan State to get to the Final Four. Unfortunately, Sidwell is running into his version of Florida with copyright law. He is super bummed out as he will forever be making his salary which conservatively puts it comfortably in the seven figures, likely in the the eight figure range, and it wouldn't shock me if it was in the nine figure range. Oh, but despite getting blown out by Florida in the first half, Mike acts as his Shabazz Napier and takes them to the promised land. So, I guess we'll find out if this UConn analogy works in a couple days. But Sidwell deserves props, because he constantly looks down on lawyers as if they are preschoolers trying to make a house out of blocks. Demeaning people is America's real pastime, and this guy is USA all the way.

3. Mike Ross - Mike is always helping out the little guys, but in this case, the little guy is filthy rich and laughs at lawyers from Harvard, because it's the minor leagues in his world. Since this dude is filthy rich and getting his own company, he offers Mike a job where he doesn't even need to be a lawyer. His glass ceiling may have finally been lifted. Still, all he has is an offer for right now. Until he accepts it and the baller lifestyle that comes with it, he's just hanging out since he'll forever be an associate in the law world.

4. Dana Scott - In Chicago with a client. If that client is Michael Jordan, because she's stealing him from Harvey for him not being open and honest with her, let the record state that I would like to retroactively place her at number one forever and always.

5. Donna Paulsen - Donna was able to snag Scotty's coffee from Harvey since Scotty was out of town. That was probably her highlight from this entire season. Donna doesn't even get to have her own emotions, she just goes to the hospital to visit Louis to convey Harvey's emotions. She also helps Rachel get her college tuition, but nobody gives her credit.

6. Sheila Sass - Her boy toy had a heart attack, but she got a proposal out of the deal. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was unwilling to move to Boston. She thought it over and figured she would sacrifice and work at a second-tier law school in New York. But still, despite all her sacrifice, her man was not willing to bend on his need for children, so she's single and on the prowl. ME-OW.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters in this episode, so let's break it down point by point.
1. He starts off by calling his girlfriend, "Mom."
2. He sexes said girlfriend, because today is his goddamn day.
3. He couldn't get a cab, so he had to run to his hearing.
4. He delivers a closing argument where he just compliments the jury and brings up nothing about the case.
5. He has a heart attack.
6. He proposes to Sheila.
7. He exposes his butt to the world. The world is not impressed.
8. He calls Beacon Hill "Bacon Hill" despite it being on Harvard campus, so he should definitely know that.
9. He then says that the New York law schools are just as good as Harvard, but he is at a law firm that ONLY HIRES HARVARD GRADUATES. He tried to ruin Mike for not getting through Harvard legitimately, but now he thinks it is a degree factory. Make up your mind, dude.
10. His girlfriend finally agrees to give up her job to move to New York, bringing him great joy.
11. Psych, his joy immediately turns to sadness, because there is no way that babies are coming out of Sheila's love hole.
12. He probably starts calling all women, "Mom."

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is worried about money for tuition, but her family is filthy rich, so she could probably get cash from them. Rachel also realized she's a dummy who should probably get six figure bonuses in writing. I was pretty angry that she ended up getting the money for tuition because of Donna. I think this could have been a very valuable life lesson for Rachel. Also, maybe she could show some guts and actually ask Louis about the money.

9. Jessica Pearson - She gets punked out by her name partner and has to sign checks by herself. Still, she really doesn't want to sign a check for Rachel, because she's an idiot. I do not blame her. Still, the idiot had Donna on her side, so she decides to give her $200,000 instead of just suggesting Rachel get the money from her filthy rich parents.

10. Tony Giannopoulos - He got punked out by Harvey in his own office and then had to give a promotion to the guy he was trying to keep down throughout this whole process. Tony G was a lot more intimidating last season.