Suits Power Rankings - Leveraged

Suits really needs to stop taking weeks off. I'm not just talking about in the middle of a season either; I mean, they need to stop taking breaks. 52 episodes, is that so much to ask? The WWE has at least eight hours of content each week, and between all of that, nearly an hour is good. Suits just needs a really good editing staff to cut down the eight hours of crap into one great hour of television every single week of our lives. Come on, Suits Recruits, together we can do this. Where did we leave off last? No clue, it was TWO WEEKS ago. I faintly remember Mike and Harvey going against each other, Louis being lonely, and their being the hottest of sexual tensions between Jessica and Jeff Malone. What could be hotter than that? One thing: Lorenzo Lamas, who is the true number one of this week's power rankings. For actual people on the show, continue reading.

1. Sean Cahill - All he did was take people out like he was Bobby Sixkiller. Totally punked out both Jessica and Jeff. His smugness is so magnificent. Even when it appeared that he was losing, he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. And then, it turned out that he totally played Jessica and Jeff and they did exactly what he wanted. Eric Woodall is not a worthy competitor, but Sean Cahill has SEC SPEED, which can outmaneuver just about anyone in New York, which is clearly a Rutgers town.

2. Donna Paulsen - Finally, let's give credit where credit is due. This is what we need from Donna. She barges into Mike's office and starts busting skulls. She gets what she wants and moves on. Then she puts Harvey in his place, so he will make amends with Louis. She didn't take gruff, she didn't worry about gossip, she just got shit done. It was reminiscent of Sergeant Bobby Chase in Terminal Justice. Excellent work, Donna.

3. Harvey Specter - Drives an hour out of his way just to talk shit to Eric Woodall. Surpsingly, that did not get him the spot to head up the case against the SEC. He must have forgotten to tell them that he gave Woodall yesterday's paper, making it virtually useless. For his real case, things were also not going well, as he found out that Louis had never watched the show Renegade. As a fan of the classics, this is an unforgivable offense in his book, , and he was just using Louis's law mishaps to throw him off the scent of his Reno Raines fan club.

4. Charles Forstman - He's evil, but Harvey doesn't actually give the details as to why he is evil, so Mike goes into business with him, which will screw over Sidwell. I'm not exactly sure how a single line in a contract can cut out the boss of the guy who is making the deal, because I feel like investment bankers would do that anytime they made a deal, so they could use somebody else's money but keep all the profits, but Forstman must be pretty handy with the legalese. He sees himself as a Vince Black, but I think he will prove to be more of a Marshal "Dutch" Dixon.

5. Jeff Malone - Jeff and I have a lot in common. Everything he does is sexy...in his own mind. He was nearly fired from his last job, and he has the ability to plow through rejections in order to seduce a woman in power. Still, he fell into a classic lawyer trap, and now he's stuck with his pants around his ankles. That's bad in business, but at least he's taking advantage of that situation in his personal life.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made a lawyer a partner who was about to be fired, whoopsies! Still, she put Harvey in his place, and she is about to have her cake and eat it too with some classic films (Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster) and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

7. Rachel Zane - She is showing that she is an expert lawyer, despite only being a law student. She can look at cover pages and realize that the deals are no good, but she gives Logan options, and they work all night together to get him prepared for his board meeting. But all that research made things hot and steamy, and those two nearly rekindled their burning flame of love. Still, Rachel was responsible and backed herself out of what could have turned into a sticky situation. So keep on keepin' on, Ms. Zane, you're like a young Cheyenne Phillips.

8. Tony Giannopoulos - Does not know how to repay favors, does know how to give payback though.

9. Logan Sanders - Logan uses the classic plan of seduction where he buries Rachel in work, so that she'll be so turned on that she lets him bury something else. She's starting to wear down, which is good for him, because Logan is a dog with a bone that needs burying.

10. Amy - So that's Mike's Assistant's name? Okay, good to know. Her whole role on this show is to be a poor man's Donna, but if that's the case, give her some individual characteristics. Instead of liking lame things like Broadway shows, make me fall in love with her when she cuts out of work early to go to Beat The Streets or an independent wrestling show. I doubt those are her interests, which means I doubt I will be sad to see her go.

11. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell may be the most honorable guy in this bubble. He likes money; that is why he wanted his own company. When people make him money, he's happy. When people lose him money, he's sad. His motivations never change, so at least you know what you are getting from him. Unfortunately, honor does not take you very far in these power rankings, and he's currently being duped, which is bad news for him.

12. Mike Ross - Mike is going to acquire Gillis Industries, or he's done as an investment banker. Instead of crunching numbers, he's using Photoshop, which is really the way that gets business done these days. The plan works almost every time, but somehow Tony Giannopoulos was able to resist a business plan that had his head photoshopped onto Scrooge McDuck's body jumping into a pool of gold coins. Luckily, that same plan did work when he sent it to Charles Forstman. Unfortunately, Forstman is evil, and despite Harvey warning him not to, he made a deal with him, and now his future is tied to Forstman.

 13. Eric Woodall - He's just a pud who is cutting out yesterday's coupons in a tomorrow world.

14. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is turning down J-Date requests left and right, because he's still in love with Sheila. Unfortunately, that love is blinding him to his job, as he keeps messing things up for the world's best best friend, Harvey Specter. He is left in a heaping pile of emotions, while Harvey probably goes out and revenge bangs Sheila. Louis got Litt Up. 

Suits Power Rankings - Heartburn

Man, I am already having Stemple withdrawal. That guy was fantastic. I really hated him. You know who else I miss? Harold. Harold was the bomb. And HARDMAN, too. That would be one hell of a spinoff show. Oh, you were wondering about actual things happening on Suits? Well, Scotty is the best, and Harvey hasn't been number one this entire season. It's been kind of wild. But, really, the past has little to do with this episode, it's the beginning of the future, ya'll. Let's dive in.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey definitely had his swagger back. First off, he punks out Tony Giannopoulos in his own office. Then he goes back to the office to put Mike in his place in the bathroom. Yo Suits, why are there so many meetings in the bathroom? How does everybody know each other's bowel movements so well? I imagine that there are a lot of scenes like this on the cutting room floor:

(Harvey approaches Mike's cubicle. Mike is nowhere to be found)
Harvey (to himself): Shitting won't save you this time, Mike.
(Flash to bathroom door being swung open violently and Harvey appearing and seeing Mike washing his hands)
Harvey: You've really done it this time.

If I were going to write Suits fan fiction, all scenes would take place in the bathroom. Anyway, Harvey's advice is for Mike to go to a small town in Iowa, which gets extra props since I'm from Iowa and I'm just going to assume that the creators love my rankings and wanted to give me a subtle shoutout. Holla back, playaz. Finally, we find out that he got his law school paid for by Pearson Hardman, because Harvey doesn't pay for shit. Nice work, Specter. The man is finally back on top.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - Uses Michigan State of Appeals to get what he wants, much like UConn used and abused Michigan State to get to the Final Four. Unfortunately, Sidwell is running into his version of Florida with copyright law. He is super bummed out as he will forever be making his salary which conservatively puts it comfortably in the seven figures, likely in the the eight figure range, and it wouldn't shock me if it was in the nine figure range. Oh, but despite getting blown out by Florida in the first half, Mike acts as his Shabazz Napier and takes them to the promised land. So, I guess we'll find out if this UConn analogy works in a couple days. But Sidwell deserves props, because he constantly looks down on lawyers as if they are preschoolers trying to make a house out of blocks. Demeaning people is America's real pastime, and this guy is USA all the way.

3. Mike Ross - Mike is always helping out the little guys, but in this case, the little guy is filthy rich and laughs at lawyers from Harvard, because it's the minor leagues in his world. Since this dude is filthy rich and getting his own company, he offers Mike a job where he doesn't even need to be a lawyer. His glass ceiling may have finally been lifted. Still, all he has is an offer for right now. Until he accepts it and the baller lifestyle that comes with it, he's just hanging out since he'll forever be an associate in the law world.

4. Dana Scott - In Chicago with a client. If that client is Michael Jordan, because she's stealing him from Harvey for him not being open and honest with her, let the record state that I would like to retroactively place her at number one forever and always.

5. Donna Paulsen - Donna was able to snag Scotty's coffee from Harvey since Scotty was out of town. That was probably her highlight from this entire season. Donna doesn't even get to have her own emotions, she just goes to the hospital to visit Louis to convey Harvey's emotions. She also helps Rachel get her college tuition, but nobody gives her credit.

6. Sheila Sass - Her boy toy had a heart attack, but she got a proposal out of the deal. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was unwilling to move to Boston. She thought it over and figured she would sacrifice and work at a second-tier law school in New York. But still, despite all her sacrifice, her man was not willing to bend on his need for children, so she's single and on the prowl. ME-OW.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had the rollercoaster of all rollercoasters in this episode, so let's break it down point by point.
1. He starts off by calling his girlfriend, "Mom."
2. He sexes said girlfriend, because today is his goddamn day.
3. He couldn't get a cab, so he had to run to his hearing.
4. He delivers a closing argument where he just compliments the jury and brings up nothing about the case.
5. He has a heart attack.
6. He proposes to Sheila.
7. He exposes his butt to the world. The world is not impressed.
8. He calls Beacon Hill "Bacon Hill" despite it being on Harvard campus, so he should definitely know that.
9. He then says that the New York law schools are just as good as Harvard, but he is at a law firm that ONLY HIRES HARVARD GRADUATES. He tried to ruin Mike for not getting through Harvard legitimately, but now he thinks it is a degree factory. Make up your mind, dude.
10. His girlfriend finally agrees to give up her job to move to New York, bringing him great joy.
11. Psych, his joy immediately turns to sadness, because there is no way that babies are coming out of Sheila's love hole.
12. He probably starts calling all women, "Mom."

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is worried about money for tuition, but her family is filthy rich, so she could probably get cash from them. Rachel also realized she's a dummy who should probably get six figure bonuses in writing. I was pretty angry that she ended up getting the money for tuition because of Donna. I think this could have been a very valuable life lesson for Rachel. Also, maybe she could show some guts and actually ask Louis about the money.

9. Jessica Pearson - She gets punked out by her name partner and has to sign checks by herself. Still, she really doesn't want to sign a check for Rachel, because she's an idiot. I do not blame her. Still, the idiot had Donna on her side, so she decides to give her $200,000 instead of just suggesting Rachel get the money from her filthy rich parents.

10. Tony Giannopoulos - He got punked out by Harvey in his own office and then had to give a promotion to the guy he was trying to keep down throughout this whole process. Tony G was a lot more intimidating last season.

Suits Power Rankings - Bad Faith

Things ended on a high note for Pearson Darby Specter, as they saved a woman from a murder charge and found a way out of their merger. But this week, ain't no way that Darby is going down without a fight. And in this fight, there are, oh, so many sports references. With Scotty coming back, it was a Harold appearance away from being specifically designed for me. Check out last week's rankings here, and now onto the fun.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is pumped to be a part of the big mission, even though they still won't adopt the badger as the firm's official mascot. He thought he was as cool as a cucumber, but he screws everything up once Mikado is brought up. But then, with help from Katrina, he comes up with the most brilliant plan ever. He's too small of a fish to get the thing done, but he goes to the whale, Harvey, and they head to the end zone, together. Louis is number one this week, because this is as high as he could ever hope to be. For the first time in months, he wasn't thinking about Mikado. He was just thinking about how he just "Litt Up" Edward Darby. He's got an assistant that admires him, Harvey respects him, and he just made a birdie in the 9th inning when all he needed was a goal, but he scored a touchdown.

2. Harvey Specter - Charming Donna with handbags. Harvey was zinging Louis hard by being dismissive to his face, but he did it as a sign of respect. He also never watches Miss America, but he does celebrate with the winner. For normal guys, that means they would buy her drinks. For Harvey, it means he allows her to buy drinks for him. Harvey did something nice for Scottie, and Harvey believed that Scottie strapped on a dildo and went to town on that ass. Instead, it was Ava Hessington pulling the ol' switcheroo to go to pound town on Pearson Darby Specter. Still, Harvey got Tony G to sign with them, because dinner with Michael Jordan closes any deal.

3. Katrina Bennett - Katrina had one job, to cool the beast, and she failed miserably in the negotiations. To make up for it, she got him a mug and a copyright. But she also gave Louis a plan to get all they wanted and more back in their side of the company. Despite her early folly, she more than made up for it and helped Louis reach his dream.

4. Mike Ross - Mike starts off by getting after it with Rachel. Also drinking coconut water for hydration. Mike wants Rachel to move in at his grandma's place. It's cool though, Grandma's dead, so they can sex anytime they want. Mike also plays the Rachel card with her Dad, and good luck getting Mr. Zane to pay for the wedding now, ya idiot. But his girlfriend might be moving across the country to not have to move in with him, so something tells me that things aren't as good as they seem in the bedroom.

5. Rachel Zane - Doesn't stand for people putting coffee mugs on the wrong side of the sink. That is a girl after my own heart. She is not happy to be used as a pawn in a negotiation, but she is happy to be accepted into Stanford, because now Andrew Luck might finally start answering her fan mail.

6. Donna Paulsen - NEW HANDBAGS, YA'LL.

7. Tony Giannopoulos - Taking his private jet to dinner with Michael Jordan. Tony G believes that Giannis Antetokounmpo could be even better than Jordan. I gotta hand it to him, the man has national pride.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is a huge Tony Sparano fan, so she wants to run the wildcat in negotiations like they are the 2010 Miami Dolphins. This means Louis will be Chad Pennington, but he will be split outside. Harvey is Ronnie Brown receiving the snap. Mike will be Ricky Williams, obviously. Katrina is Brandon Marshall, frustrated by being a decoy, Donna is Davone Bess, because she's a threat in the open field, and Rachel is Jake Long, because all she wants to do is plow. Oh god, Jessica, this is not the dream team that you were hoping for. Her only hope is that Edward Darby is the Tom Cable of this analogy, and they can beat the Raiders 33-17.

9. Dana Scott - Dana Scott, looking hot and putting Harvey in his place. Unfortunately, Harvey beat her in bad faith, and she uses the sympathy (sex) card to try to get him to go back on his work with Folsom Foods. Then Harvey ends up screwing her even worse, and she tries to tell him to stop, but Harvey doesn't like talking, so he screws her thoroughly before they realize that they're both screwed. Scotty, if I ever get put into this fictional world, I promise to treat you like the princess that you are.

10. Nigel Nesbitt - Played Louis like a fiddle and ruined the bad faith negotiations that Harvey and Jessica were trying to pull off. Then he floats back to England, probably to play with a doll collection, because that guy just looks like he still plays pretend with various dolls while Mikado gives instructions.

11. Mrs. Zane - The wet blanket of this whole episode. Just let your daughter be happy, ya old hag.

12. Robert Zane - He's a dick, but he loves his daughter, so he's willing to make settlements. And he appreciates that Mike has balls. Mr. Zane likes balls.

13. Mikado - Never heard the letters that Louis wrote; now poops while facing New York.

Suits Power Rankings - Shadow of a Doubt

When we last left Pearson Darby, Jessica was sticking it to Darby by screwing over Ava Hessington. Harvey was pissed about that, and Donna was number one, because she was getting hers and not giving a shit about anything else. This episode brought on a whole new set of problems, the question is whether they could come up with enough solutions to make everything work out in the end. Check out last week's rankings here, now onto the longest (and strongest) rankings we have ever had:

1. Jessica Pearson - She takes a shopping day, because Harvey lost them a ton of money. God, it must be awesome to be the boss. But she does come back that night, probably because her Wifi at home is a little spotty and ends up coming up with a solution to all of Harvey's problems. She then convinces Ava to take the deal by implying that they would go back on the deal they are making with Tony G and never actually sell him the shares of the company. It appears as though she has helped Harvey give her the boot, but then she then makes a real power move by changing the name of the company to Pearson Darby Specter. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the authority to do that, because it would really be Darby's call, but it still may be enough for Harvey to remain on her side and not take over her job. She had a nice shopping day, won a case, and may have subverted plans for her ouster with her and Harvey back on the same side. Nice job, Jessica.

2. Tony Giannopoulos - Louis tries to get a hold of him, and he doesn't even bother being in the country. Harvey goes after him, and he gets a face to face with him. This man knows who deserves respect. Still, it's a pretty baller move to burn $50K to make a point. Money don't mean shit to this guy. If he sets $50K on fire, imagine what he wipes his ass with. Have you ever had a million dollars between your butt cheeks? I bet it's immaculate. He's selling off all of his Hessington Oil stock to stick it to them, and he bought a bunch of companies just so they could fire Pearson Darby as their lawyers. This man don't care. And it pays off as Ava agrees to sell him her shares of the company, so she can remain in control. He got what he wanted originally while getting to stick it to Pearson Darby a little for extra fun. BALLIN!

3. Harvey Specter - Let me make this clear. Usually, third would be an awful showing for Harvey, but he actually had a great week, which just shows you how strong the top two were this week. Harvey made fun of Cameron's mustache, because Cameron made fun of Mike Ross. Only Harvey can make fun of Mike, you son of a bitch. Harvey isn't even going to let things go to trial by suing Tony Giannopoulos. Then Huntley tries to go after Tony G's family, and Harvey fires him from the case, because America has dominated the British since the Revolutionary War, and there's no reason to stop now. He then goes to Jessica, because USA all the way and they put Cameron on the defensive by not allowing him to use the tape as evidence, so he pretty much has no case. Harvey also gets what he wants and Jessica makes him a name partner with Pearson Darby Specter.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna's getting her freak on while getting her work done. Donna told Harvey about her getting her freak on, and Harvey didn't care, which she seemed a little disappointed about. She then got mad at Stephen for making things complicated, but she needs that good lovin' so she can get her glow back, so they may just extend their arrangement.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis can tell when ladies are glowing; he just has no idea they had sex. Louis loses his power over associates and thinks he hates Nigel, but then he realizes that Nigel is still meant to be his best friend, because they both love cats and cats love Louis. Louis then gets to catsit for Nigel, and the cat is a real bastard, but Louis loves every second of it. Cat people are the worst, but he had that Donna glow after a night with Mikado.

6.Mikado - An asshole cat that everybody loves for some reason. If I were a cat, I'd be Mikado, although I only poop with my back to London, so I can imagine us shitting on the British yet again.

7. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the strategy to get Cameron kicked off the case for sharing information with Ava's main competitor. Then poor Mike gets kicked off the case, but he takes his own case and gets his play thing to be his assistant. He makes buddies with Mr. Zane, because Mike's parents died and they both like potatoes. That's pretty much the extent to their connection. He uses his fight with Rachel to get Stanton's new wife to give them back the money. He then makes up with Rachel, because you can't fight the moonlight.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is back to last week's shenanigans and is all about getting gossip, since her and Mike are no longer the hottest couple at Pearson Darby. But she is going to try regain their spot as top hot couple by letting Mike be Harvey and her be Mike, which basically sounds like the worst roleplay game ever. She also doesn't want Mike to meet her family, because he's a liar, although it may be because he's white, and her father probably wants her to be with an ethnic man. But since she loves him, she will allow him to meet her parents. That, of course, blew up in her face, because Mike finds out that she is thinking about going to Stanford, which could ruin their relationship. Still, they love each other, and as her mother tells her, love conquers all, outside of murder.

9. Stephen Huntley - He gets Mike kicked off the Ava Hessington case by betting $10K that he has better ideas than Harvey. He wins it, because he realizes that in England, the burden of proof is on the defendant instead of on the prosecution, which makes it way easier for them to win the case. But is that really a better idea? It's basically the same idea, slightly tweaked. That's like an editor correcting the spelling of a word in a book and claiming they wrote it. He then goes after Tony G's daughter, because...um, I'm not even sure if he knows why.

10. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Ruining the associates to mess with Louis. He then invades Louis's private club so he can take a mud bath. Nigel is shocked at how smooth of a ladies man Louis is with cats. He needs to recognize that just because someone strikes out with ladies doesn't mean they can't charm the pants off of felines. He is quite bummed that he has to leave Mikado behind as he goes to Hong Kong. Still, his cat is in good care with Louis.

11. Mrs. Zane - Robert seems like the tough one, but Mrs. Zane can put him in his place. She also lets Rachel know that love conquers all.

12. Ava Hessington - Ava is pissed, because she lost her company, and now her stock is going down, because Tony G has more money than he knows what to do with. She is going to sell her stocks to Tony G in order to remain in charge of her company and to protect her from those pesky murder charges that keep popping up.

13. Miss Clark Mrs. Stanton - She's sleeping with Graham, so she doesn't think that he could have stolen from the company. She then leverages this whole ordeal into a marriage, but she loses him $30 million, so whoopsies there.

14. Simon - Learned a valuable lesson, because at Pearson Darby, they don't shall. They must, because they thrust; they don't parry.

15. Cameron Dennis - Cameron hates to drive down bullshit highway. But he will cruise down Sharing Incriminating Tapes With Corporate Pirates Cul-de-sac. Unfortunately, he may have to take a stroll down One in a Million Lane to win this case. Still, I bet he picks up a lot of ladies by inviting them to Mustache Ride Court. It's a court, because once you go down that road, there are no outlets, baby.

16. Robert Zane - All this man wants is potatoes and a smoothie that tastes good. Is that so much to ask? He also assumes that if someone says their parents are dead, they must be just messing with him, because in Robbie Z's world, parents never die. He also spilled the beans on Rachel applying to Stanford, because this guy just can't stop putting his foot in his mouth. No wonder Rachel was worried about him talking to Mike.

17. Graham Stanton - Stole $30 million and only bagged a secretary out of the deal. Then he was forced into marriage, meaning he did all that work to steal $30 million, but is only going to get $15 million, probably less, because, as they say, "Women be shoppin." In the end, he loses all $30 million, because "Women be scared of five years in prison," know what I'm sayin? Sorry, Graham. You made a power move by marrying Miss Clark to keep your money, but then you lost the money anyway, and you're stuck in a marriage that was built around keeping $30 million that you lost. Congratulations, your week was somehow worse than the guy who made fun of a guy's dead parents.