Thursday, August 21, 2014

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 
Pretty please. 
No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 
Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

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