Suits Power Rankings - Enough is Enough

Another season of Suits is upon us (or second half of a season, it's tough to keep track), and as we enter this time, I think about what I like so much about Suits. Some people really like the lawyerin', and I have to admit there is some darn good lawyerin' going on. They basically never lose a case. Some people like it for the good looking people, and I have to admit, there are some pretty foxy ladies and some pretty fly dudes on this show. But for me, it's the side characters that make this show. Remember HARDMAN? HARDMAN was my jam. And then there's Scotty. She basically combined those three great things about the show in one single petite package, and Harvey is an idiot for letting her go. Finally, there's Harold. I loved Harold. I love Harold. I will never stop loving Harold. The bad news about this episode is there is an extreme lack of side characters, the good news is that one of the above people is mentioned and another shows up, and I hope that special princess never leaves us again (Weirdly, I could be talking about Scotty or Harold). Anyway, let's get on to the rankings.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis finally has what he has always wanted: Name Partner. But Louis is finding out that it's lonely at the top, especially when you shit all over everyone who you were once friends with, because they wouldn't tell you their secrets. He wants to throw everyone in the garbage instead of opening his heart and letting the love inside. He got to shit on Mike for a while, but that wasn't good enough so he started shitting on Rachel to really stick it to Mike. That's just good lawyerin' on Louis's part as you have to attack your opponent's weakness. He was even nasty to Donna. Poor Donna, who has genuine affection for Louis has been shut out. That is still the relationship with the most hope as Donna told Louis that she had sex with Harvey once, which apparently is a question Louis wanted an answer to? Hey, nobody ever said Louis was an easy guy to explain. 

Also, he acts like a dick when getting announced as Name Partner. Why? Because he can. That's the best part of being a name partner. It's a real pain to change a firm's name. I mean, it's not like the place has a history of kicking out name partners...oh yeah, Pearson HARDMAN. Well, like they always say, history never repeats itself. Aw, crap; it's the opposite? Well, I'm sure everything will still work out for Louis despite him signing a document that says he should go to jail if anyone ever finds out about Mike Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - Yes, Rachel did get lambasted by Louis, but she got her bae to take care of things. And when she wanted to get something done, she got the job done. She did a ton of paperwork, which isn't all that impressive. But she also got Katrina Bennett a job with her father. And most importantly, she got freaky on company time. Those are billable hours, which might make her a prostitute, but I will always respect the world's oldest profession as it shows good hustle.

3. Robert Zane - Zane is being set up as the big bad guy this season. He knows something is up at Pearson Specter Litt, but he isn't going to say anything? Yeah, I doubt that, especially when the thing that is up involves his daughter's bae. Outside of that, all we know is he loves to say "Come onnn" in a less rapey Bill Cosby sort of way.

4. Dana Scott - "SCOTTY IS BACK!" was the first thing that popped in my head when Harvey went to meet with her. And before I knew it, she was gone again leaving nothing behind but a promise to settle with Robert Zane. We'll miss you, Sweet Princess. Godspeed.

5. Jeff Malone - He knows that something is up. He hasn't seen a team this chaotic since that 88-89 Washington Bullets team that failed to make the playoffs despite his 24.6 points per game. He wants the truth from his lady, and even though she admitted to some shady dealings from her past, Jeff is still suspicious, like he's watching a magician levitate.

6. Katrina Amanda Bennett - Katrina was promised a job at Pearson Specter Litt, but she might have a job with Robert Zane. So I don't really know what she has going on, but it seems promising that she has some sort of job. As a frequently unemployed person, I feel good that she has a job. New York is expensive.

7. Harvey Specter - It was a pretty sad weak for Harvey. Even his inspirational story didn't quite make sense. He talked about how the conditioning drills were designed to break him, and he broke every day, but he never quit. Um...then the drills didn't break you. To break you, you would have had to quit. That's the essence of breaking someone. He then has to convince Scotty to settle her case as a favor to Robert Zane. He gets what he wants, but it's pretty clear that him and Scotty are never getting back together. Since Harvey is a single guy and he really wants to put Louis in his place, isn't the next move obvious? He MUST make a sex tape with Sheila Sass and show it at the next board meeting. Until he does that (or something else as awesome), he's going to have a hard time reaching the top of these rankings.

8. Jessica Pearson - For the lead dog at the firm, she sure seems to have to pick up a lot more shit than she leaves around the place. Louis gives her two big scoops of shit, and even though he is forced to ask like a civilized person in the end, it doesn't really make up for all the crap that Jessica had to take. Even Mike shit on her when she tried to make him do extra work. Also, she hired nearly an entire firm of dumb lawyers. Robert Zane heard about things from the outside and knew that something funky was going down at the firm, yet the only person not in the inner circle that suspected anything was Jeff Malone.  She is forced to tell a truth to her bae, but not the truth to her bae. As we know, lies to significant others never eventually blow up in people's faces.

9. Mike Ross - Mike was able to get Rachel to fall in love with him, but Louis is proving to be the muse that is beyond his charm. Luckily, the stress has helped him grow a pair of balls, so he stopped taking shit from Jessica for being a lawyer without a law degree. Unfortunately, his heroic effort to stick up for his lady just led to Louis putting him in his place as opposed to any change. He played by the rules, and even though Louis can no longer abuse him, I still can't put him high in these rankings.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna tries to save her friendship with Louis by weirdly letting him into her sexual life, but luckily, not into her sexually. Donna is so wise, yet she does not understand that friendships with the opposite sex rarely survive as there is always one half that wants to have sex with the other. Again, I just want Donna to get a boyfriend. She deserves to find love.

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 

Pretty please. 

No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 

Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

Suits Power Rankings - Gone

So the Suits Power Rankings are a little bit later than normal. This was caused by two lawyers who also try to play by their own rules: Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. I don't know how law firms work in Los Angeles, but in New York, people are held to a higher standard. While the lawyers of Pearson Specter are handling international cases and Michael Jordan, the lawyers of Infeld Daniels Franklin and Bash are handling pot smokers and storage unit disputes. All of this is the long way of saying that I am officially out on Franklin and Bash until they bring back the hot tub. Meanwhile, I am all in and Jessica, Harvey, and the rest of the gang at Pearson Specter, even though I have had to go this whole summer without any Harold. You can check out last week's rankings here, but now onto this week where lawyers gotta lawyer.

1. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is being nice to Louis's face, but she plans on firing him at her earliest convenience, which is just so stone cold of her. I loved it. You gotta trim the fat if you want to be the best. This is true in her personal life as well. Jeff wanted to go out for dinner, but Jessica has a budget, so she made them order in. Fiscal responsibility is often overlooked, but I appreciate her frugal behavior. She does get busted for having a relationship with Jeff, but that was probably caused by Jeff Malone pulling a Michael Scott and emailing everyone at the SEC nudie pics of Jessica. In the end, Jessica didn't even have to trouble herself to fire Louis. She had Harvey go and do it, and even he was too late, as Jessica put the fear of god into Louis, so he left before he could be forced out. Bravo to Jessica, who showed that she has the biggest stones, fellas included, in the entire firm. 

2. Sean Cahill - He was busy on the day of Harvey's birthday party, because he is quite the New York socialite, and by socialite, I mean he has pre-filled his calendar to "have beers with bros night" every night. Then Cahill totally outlawyered Mike and Harvey and knew to look for the money in the transaction. Finally, he showed that he is an honorable man and earned Harvey's respect by sending his own boss to jail. Pearson Specter has to hire Cahill, right? He's perfect. He could replace Louis, hire Harold as his associate and RULE THE WORLD.

3. Harvey Specter - Harvey should never try to meet with Forstman, as it always ends badly for him. He again tried to threaten Chuck (what his good friends call him), but Chuck just sat back, relaxed, and told Harvey to screw himself so he could enjoy the end of his cigar in peace. Things were looking pretty grim as earlier Cahill told him that he would not make it to his birthday party, which means nobody from outside of Pearson Specter will be there. Cahill is also owning him in the courtroom until finally others swoop in with a master plan, while Harvey gets to take the main credit. He does show some compassion for Louis, as he tries to save his job, but it is too late, and he is a best man left without a groom. 

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Oh, Louis. You sad, pathetic, emotional loser. You used to be strong and virile, a man to be feared, but now everyone just pities you, because you have nothing. But don't give up, Louis, some people need to get Litt up. Go and get your woman. Sheila and you should be together. Sheila and you need to be together. It is time to show her what the initials LML really stand for, Love Me Longtime.

5. Charles Forstman - Forstman likes to finish his cigars in peace. It would be so much better if he liked to enjoy them in piece, and he was about to chop that thing up and throw them in his mouth like jalapeno poppers. Since I have not seen him get arrested, I'll assume he is still doing his daily routine of coffee at a diner, sitting at a ridiculously long conference table by himself, and eating cigars in peace. 

6. Jeff Malone - Is trying to be honorable through this whole mess, but it just comes across as whiny. He is making himself out to be a martyr, but what he needs to do is stop letting the rules define who he is by a lawyer and start pushing the boundaries. I had such high hopes for Jeff, but he is just too honorable to become an elite lawyer.

7. Donna Paulsen - Donna finally makes herself useful, as she wisely chooses her words with Harvey when it comes to Louis. But she also missed her date for work stuff, which has just gotta stop happening. She asked Jessica for a favor and was nearly fired for it. Donna needs to put on her climbing boots and get to the top of the hill, the Cahill that is. Get it, gurrrrrrl.

8. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the idea of looking into Cahill and friends, but that idea fails, and Mike followed it up by giving Cahill crucial information during the deposition. Interacting with Cahill works out well for no one.

9. Katrina Bennett - Katrina gave Louis advice based on mob movies. She was right, but that does not make the thought process valid.

10. Rachel Zane - She knows what her man wants, and that is bean and cheese burritos. Not only are they delicious, but they also help both of them send a sexy aroma throughout the apartment. She then gets prepared for a deposition that never happens. During this deposition, she initially refused to answer the question about sleeping with Logan, which was odd. This is why Sami Zayn refuses to recognize her as a valid cousin.

11. Charles Woodall - Came in as a badass lawyer but was a blubbering wimp within 30 seconds of his deposition. Also drives a Subaru which is about the lamest car company on the planet. I mean, come on, Woodall, were they all out of Kia Sephias? To top off his shit sandwich, Harvey helped lead his good buddy to prosecute him for taking a bribe from Forstman.

Suits Power Rankings: Exposure

Suits is getting to the homestretch. Last week, Mike broke up with Rachel, but more importantly, he got back together with Harvey through Louis. It was basically a hotshot lawyer menage a trois. Unfortunately, Cahill is trying to be the figurative STD in this equation that mucks up all the beautiful love. Can these guys find their penicillin, or will they continue to have flare ups? Let's go to this week's rankings to find out.

1. Sean Cahill - Cahill gets a search warrant from his golf buddy to go after Pearson Specter's documents, but before he can find anything, it gets denied by the real judge. Still, Cahill has always stayed a step ahead of Harvey in that just when they think they have him, he comes up with a new plan to screw them over. Cahill has no fear, so he's not worried of never working as a lawyer again, as long as he can destroy Harvey in the process. It is a risk, but something tells me he will be able to find a little dirt while looking through the Gillis Industries deal.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica ain't worried about no bitch-ass search warrant, because she doesn't even know where the files are. She gives Mike no respect for his plan (probably because she had heard the same plan before), and I respect that. Mike is a pain in the ass, and if he had never come to the firm, well, she would probably be working for Edward Darby or Daniel HARDMAN, but she conveniently forgets all of that so she can shit on Mike. I respect her narrow outlook on the past.

3. Charles Forstman - Forstman doesn't give as hit about the IRS, SEC, or any other three letter combination you want to throw at him. It is clear that he is B1G all the way. All he does is terrible things, yet he keeps rising up through the ranks and people are lining up to throw money at him. And that hair, good lord, that hair. It's the hair of a champion. Champion, great hair, and bad person...oh my god, he's Steve Alford.

4. Rachel Zane - Rachel is now crashing on Donna's couch, and that apartment has weird powers. People who sleep there do not do well in having a social life. She makes Mike very uncomfortable until he's so uncomfortable that he just gives in and they move back in together. She risked a restraining order, but got herself a boyfriend. Good win for Rachel.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is not cool enough to pull of a soul patch, but he has his own office now. But with an office comes responsibilities, so now he has to do some real lawyerin'. That's tough to do since poor Mike keeps thinking about Rachel kissing Logan, but in his weird nightmares, he's involved in a triple kiss. His grandma is watching the entire thing, and he wants to stop but can't. Half of the time, Logan turns into Harold. It's so weird, and he can't focus on anything else because of it. I can't say I blame him. The good news is that Mike got credit for an idea that Jessica initially turned down when Harvey brought it up, and he was given credit for being a genius. This newfound genius helped him realize that he isn't going to find anyone hotter than Rachel, so he might as well make up and go home.

6. Katrina Bennett - Putting the moves on Mike with that sexy hug. She seems like the kind of go-getter that would be willing to kill off Rachel to get herself a man. I respect her gumption.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey believes in "Ladies first," unless he's involved in which case it's "Harvey first." Gotta respect that. He's got his best buddy back, but Cahill keeps coming at him. Since he didn't do anything wrong, he is not too concerned about things, but he still keeps getting owned by Cahill, even when he thinks he's in the clear. It was a pretty lax week for Harvey.

8. Donna Paulsen - She slept with Harvey, and she's still in love with him. She had a date. He's a little bit of a couch potato...literally. It's just a Mr. Potato Head that she laid on her couch. At least he has a smile on his face as she recites Shakespeare.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is on an emotional rollercoaster all week long with Cahill looking into the Forstman deal. It looks good, then bad, then good, then bad again, and eventually he has to confess to Jessica, as he is not willing to frame Harvey for the crime that he committed. Please bring back Harold, so Louis has somebody to shit on. He needs it.

Suits Power Rankings - We're Done

The biggest question I was left with from last week was, should I start referring to Charles Forstman as FORSTMAN, since he is definitely the most diabolical human being since HARDMAN. Ultimately, Forstman's power is more reserved, and he doesn't need to use force, or Forst, to get what he wants, so he will stay with the relaxed typing of his name. Other stuff happened too. You can read about it here. But enough with the small talk, it's time to focus on the present:

1. Charles Forstman - It was not nearly as strong of a performance as last week, but he retains his number one spot despite circling Mike's neighborhood for two hours before Mike finally came out and got a coffee. I have to think he could have been spending his time better than that. He more than redeems himself by making Louis take a check to ensure that he will own him for the foreseeable future. Honestly, things are going pretty great for Mr. Forstman, so it is no wonder that he has that cocky grin on his face at all times.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - He's not hiring Mike back, and I respect that he doesn't bend on his principles. You get one shot with Sidwell, and that makes him the most honorable person out there.

3. Harvey Specter - Picking fights with Cahill but still finding time to be a friend to Mike. Besides that, he makes a super silly decision to get rid of Logan Sanders for wanting to bang his associate. Hey Harvey, I'm guessing all of your clients have probably had a beatoff session to Rachel, so this is not a viable long-term solution. But he was able to get Mike back in the firm thanks to Louis, and let's face it, in Mike's heart, Rachel is a DISTANT number two behind Spec.

4. Sean Cahill - Cahill would have punched Harvey in the face, but luckily, Harvey waited for him to finish his classic story abut mail fraud, so he let it slide. I hope he seduces Katrina Bennett to get dirt on the firm. That's a power couple right there.

5. Katrina Bennett - Probably the best cheerleader on the show. Does a great job of making Louis feel good about himself, no matter how bad things are going.

6. Donna Paulsen - She spent her time trying to clean up everyone's mess. Everybody took her advice, which was positive, but the fact that Rachel knew she would be home alone instead of on a date cuts deeper than she will let anyone know.

7. Rachel Zane - Confesses to being a "Dirty, filthy, disgusting, brutal, trash-bag ho." Well, she would have had Chris Jericho been there to coax her along at least. She is doubting the existence of love, and really, who could blame her? Let's look at all the prominent marriages at the law firm. First, there's...yep, not a single one. Franklin, it may be time to give up on love, but I think she can find someone to Bash her.

8. Jeff Malone - Jeff Malone is an idiot. He is very concerned that Jessica doesn't trust him in everything that he does. The problem with that is that he can't do his job competently, so he really has nothing to be mad about. Still, he must be one hell of a lover, because she apologized to him for him being incompetent and insubordinate, so good on you having some God-given talent in the bedroom.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is breaking the law and feeling great about it until Forstman makes him take a bonus, so he is explicitly tied to breaking the law. Louis almost went all-in on his love with Sheila, but he decided to save Mike Ross, the man who convinced him that Sheila was engaged to Lorenzo Lamas. By bringing Mike in, he unknowingly exposed the firm even more to the investigation by the SEC.

10. Jessica Pearson - She is handing out favors to Louis, although it ultimately backfires when her worst nightmare is realized and Mike Ross is brought back to the firm. Also, she apologized to her incompetent boyfriend who messed up a contract and refused to double check it. You're dating a nincompoop, Jessica, a nincompoop.

11. Mike Ross - Turned down a million dollar signing bonus without a second thought. I'm gonna be real for a second. For a million dollar signing bonus, I would consider working for Hitler. Ultimately, I would turn it down, but I'd at least consider it, maybe even justify that I could take the money and be the bumbling buffoon of the Third Reich, screwing up things with hilarious antics, but even then, I couldn't take the risk that one of my stupid ideas would end up being brilliant and lead to a whole lot of bad things. Still, you have to consider that sort of offer. Harvey told him to find job advice, and he ended up going to a fantasy baseball nerd instead. Mike, winning your league is not as important as finding a new job (But if you're reading this, does he think that the Cardinals can turn around Justin Masterson? I'm asking for a friend who needs pitching help). Had he not been taking life advice from a poor man's Matthew Berry, he probably wouldn't have had his heart broken. Harvey gave Mike level-headed advice, but since Harvey's fantasy credentials are shaky, at best (He drafted Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, come on), Mike doesn't feel it necessary to listen to him.

12. Amy - Mike spent about three seconds concerned for her well-being, so that moment will likely go down as the most significance she has played in his life.

13. Logan Sanders - Fights like an idiot, and I'm not saying fighting is stupid, I'm saying his strategy literally could not have been worse. If you're going to shoot for a takedown, you need to finish that takedown. Mike didn't do any sort of sprawl to prevent it, but Logan just stopped his momentum and hugged Mike's waist like his little buddy. Then he gets hip tossed, which is probably a relief, since Mike easily could have dropped elbows on the back of his head which could have done all sorts of brain scrambling. No wonder Rachel wants nothing to do with him. If he is only taking half shots, what else is he only giving half effort on? FINISH YOUR SHOT.

Suits Power Rankings - Litt the Hell Up

Last week, the greatest moment ever happened, and the internet rejoiced. This week could not possibly be as momentous, or could it? Well, Suits tweeted this out to the number one fan (and there number two through number 100,000 fan).

@HottJoe When lines are crossed -- both in work and love -- who'll have most exposure? Rachel? The firm? Mike? Louis's codpiece?
— Suits (@Suits_USA) July 23, 2014

Still, it is clear that I matter to the people at Pearson Specter. But this week still had a tough act to follow. The number one guy on this list did his best by screwing over everyone that he saw. It could be the greatest single week performance in Suits history. Let's get to it.

1. Charles Forstman - When Louis was able to nullify the deal for the Wexler shares, Forstman was there to scoop them up. So Harvey tried to come in his office like a big swinging dick with a fancy car and some leverage, but Forstman had already taken his leverage, and Harvey was so flustered that he left the keys to his car. Harvey probably had to walk home after their meeting to avoid the embarrassment of going back upstairs.

But that's all great for his new buddy, Mike Ross, right? NOPE, because Forstman plays by his own rules, so he sold all of his shares to Louis, mostly because he loves screwing people over.

So this is good for Louis, right? NOPE. Forstman knows that Pearson Specter are being investigated by the SEC, so he sets up a shady deal to get them in trouble, so the hammer is about to fall so hard on Louis.

Well, at least Jonathan Sidwell came out unscathed? Haha, nope on that one too. He told Sidwell that Mike was ready to screw him over in order to make the deal, so Sidwell lost a friend and had to fire Mike. So, yes, that does mean that Forstman double screwed over Mike Ross. I would not be surprised if Forstman sends Mike a video of him banging Rachel just to hammer home the point of how much he doesn't give a shit.

2. Sean Cahill - Cahill brings in Logan Sanders just so he can bust Harvey's balls. Days are pretty slow at the SEC, so he likes to pull these pranks to help pass the time.

3. Louis Litt - Louis is in a good mood, and that means personalized mugs for everyone. They are personalized with his own slogan, but that's still personalized. There is nobody better than him at finding flaws in legal documents. Unfortunately, he's also the best at messing up Harvey's world. I've seen less shitting on people in German Scat Films than Harvey has done to Louis this season. Louis has basically turned into Harold, and if Pearson Specter needed a Harold, they should really just get Harold. So how is Louis still this high? Well, he got the deal done, and Harvey forgave him for everything and even said that Forstman got Litt the Hell Up. A reasonable person could say that he broke laws in order to close the deal, but that hasn't come back to haunt him yet, and since nobody has ever gotten away with the most minor mistake (outside of Mike Ross not having a law degree), Louis is probably due for some good luck. I doubt we even revisit this little snafu in the future.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica puts the hammer down on Harvey to end the big deal. Then she goes behind her bangpiece's back to have Louis clean up his mess. I know Louis gets shit on a lot, but I really hope that Jessica doesn't decide that he should clean up Jeff Malone's messes in the bedroom.

5. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a tough boss, but he's a fair boss. He might be the most honorable guy in investment banking history, as he just wants to trust people, but Mike tried to screw him over, and he had no choice but to fire him. Since he likes smart people who think outside of the box, he may have to stretch his search from coast to coast to find a replacement. Luckily, there is not one, but two people that would be perfect for the job.


6. Logan Sanders - Logan has mad game, and he's got power over Rachel. Logan does his deals face-to-face, especially when dealing with the current boyfriend of a love interest. This obviously backfires for him as he loses his lawyer, but Louis comes in to save the deal and get Gillis Industries for him. Still, Harvey did try to drop him as a client so he could represent Mike. I can't imagine Logan is going to be too keen on sticking around unless he's sticking it to an associate.

7. Rachel Zane - Has a sad cab ride and keeps notes from ex-boyfriends. She also reminisces about the old times where she was a sexy little scamp up to nothing but mischief. Then she makes out with her ex-boyfriend to pull off the bad girlfriend trifecta (there are probably worse trifectas out there for girlfriends, but this is still bad). Rachel is the worst at cheating as she immediately tells the first person she runs into. She also gets into Mike's head, ruins the buyout deal, and then Mike loses his job. Next week, she will dump Mike and tell him that she poisoned his Grandma. WHOOPSIES.

8. Donna Paulsen - She gives Harvey bad news and then gets bad news out of Rachel. She gave Rachel advice, but she wasn't specific enough, so Rachel screws it up. She should have known better. If you tell Rachel to pick up some Chinese food, she'll be back in a week after a trip to China. You have to tell her to just call the delivery place down the street or she will take the path of most resistance.

9. Harvey Specter - Harvey is the prettiest girl at the dance, and he's got Mike and Logan fighting for his love, but he didn't let them profess their love enough and just chose Mike, which seems silly. Also, he got totally owned by Charles Forstman, and that owning could continue for weeks. Let's just hope it wasn't raining when he was walking home after forgetting his keys.

10. Katrina Bennett - Just doing some filing in the library. Another exciting Thursday night for Katrina.

11. Jeff Malone - He is confident in his skills, and he refuses to look over his work. He has good reason to be as he is better than 99% of all lawyers. Unfortunately, that may make him the worst lawyer at Pearson Specter. His deal for shares is null and void, so let's hope that doesn't happen to his romantic deal with Jessica.

12. Amy - Does not know how to do dress professionally, may lose her job by association.

13. Mike Ross - Mike felt really good early on. It looked like he was finally going to close on the Gillis Industries purchase. But he let his woman convince him to stick it to Logan Sanders, and since he didn't close the deal right then and there, he ended up losing everything. He lost the deal, he lost his job, and his girlfriend is making out with other dudes, so he may want to tell her to get lost too. It's not a great time to be Mike Ross.

14. Walter Gillis - Has anyone even told him that he lost his company? 

Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

Suits Power Rankings - One-Two-Three Go...

It's been a long time. Two whole months since the last season of Suits ended. Are they slowly getting us ready for this to be a year-round show? Oh God, I hope so. They could definitely fit in some Harold-based episodes if that was the case. We could see how Scotty's doing at her new firm. Life would be pretty grand. But anyway, Suits is back. Important things to remember: Harvey dumped Scotty, Mike dumped Harvey, Louis dumped Sheila, and Harold took a dump on the government investigators. So yeah, this show's the shit. Before we get started with the power rankings, I'd just like to point out that this season opened with everyone banging. Just going from scene to scene with different people getting their freak on. It was amazing. Now, onto the sexually charged rankings.

1. Mike Ross - Mike really struggled lately in these rankings. He just didn't have what it takes to be a consistent top performer, but that all changed with his new job. He started off slow when he thought he had a good deal, because it was going to make 30% profit? Ha, what a loser. That might be good in any business that has ever existed, but this is hedge funds, and that's only considered a single in this biz. Still, he had swagger. Even with those singles, he was willing to talk trash to both Harvey and Donna, because nobody makes fun of his vests without paying the consequences. Mike was hoping that Harvey would put Rachel hard to work on his proposal so he didn't have to go to the Daft Punk concert, but Harvey stayed one step ahead and gave her the afternoon off to give them enough time for dinner and a crappy concert. Old Mike would have took that, but new Mike is having none of it as he starts looking for new lawyers who are willing to go along with his big plan. Then Mike uses his heart of gold to convince Gillis that he is the man who should buy out his company. Mike crushed things this week. The only real issue was that Harvey is still coming, along with Logan Sanders's money and his golden dong (we'll get to that later).

2. Jessica Pearson - I thought Jessica didn't want to hire Jeff Malone, because Jeff was only her fourth favorite Malone athlete behind Moses, Karl, and obviously first place goes to Sam Malone. But it turns out that Jeff Malone has been giving her the business well before he wanted to join her business. She ends up hiring him and banging him, although the order gets a little blurry their towards the end. Still, good on her for getting some and finally making a diversity hire, so now somebody else can use her blacks-only bathroom.

3. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't give a shit about people's jobs. He cares about money. This is a hedge fund, not some bitch-ass law firm. But he also doesn't want to spend money to make money. He just wants the money to appear magically. It's a brilliant business plan if it works, and I might just implement it myself. Finally, he decides to give up a little money, but if he doesn't make a 6,000,000,000% profit, he'll be a little bummed out.

4. Logan Sanders - He wants to purchase Gillis Industries, just like Mike. He already rented something that Mike is currently trying to own when Logan banged Rachel while he was married, and he managed to do that before he got his shit together. I know that may make him seem like a bad dude, but what if Rachel was one of the five girls on his list that he was allowed to bang? Then he is just a guy playing within the rules. He also says a lot of cliches, and Harvey loves cliches.

5. Jeff Malone - He is a beast, a real hotshot at the SEC. He is using that to get a job at Pearson-Specter. Unfortunately, Harvey didn't vet him, because apparently it's some SEC that is based in New York, and not the South Eastern Conference. Jeff may be impressive, but he doesn't have that SEC speed, and even though he knows about offense, he needs to beef up his defense if he wants to compete against the Alabamas of the world. But he has an ace in the hole in that he's throwing it deep in Jessica, which is the best way to get a good opportunity in this job market.

6. Dana Scott - She's at her new job, likely trying to help her client who is trying to leverage their 4.9% share of Gillis Industries into buying the whole thing.

7. Donna Paulsen - She tried to convince Harvey to be nice to Mike, but she failed at that mission. She was right in the end, and Harvey even admitted it. That makes this the most exciting week in Donna's diary since she was sleeping with a war criminal.

8. Harvey Specter - He had a morning meeting, aka a bang session. Luckily he wasn't too tired to purposely ignore Mike's first big idea from his new job. Unofrtunately, things went downhill fast from there. Since he ignored that offer, it meant that Mike had to look for other lawyers, which led to Mike not taking priority when another client came in with the same idea. So now Mike is no longer his client, and he had to tell two women that they were right. It was a rough week for Harvey. At least he never called the girl before the girl called him.

9. Katrina Bennett - She finds out the same information as Louis. She also uses photoshop to make business cards for him. She does have a boyfriend, which leads me to...

10. Harold Gunderson - He is clearly Katrina's boyfriend. I can't believe they weren't a part of the bang montage at the beginning of the episode, but Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. Oh, and I'm going to guess that he's also trying to help his client buy Gillis Industries.

11. Rachel Zane - She is Harvey's new associate, and she has yet to figure out how to be clever around him. She got to go see Daft Punk, but Mike had a bad attitude, so she did not "Get Lucky." The good news is that she did bang a married guy, but sadly, she did it before he got his head on straight, so she banged him while he was still a loser instead of the CEO to a billion dollar corporation. That's not a good look on you, Rachel. Not a good look at all.

12. Louis Marlo Litt - Drinking prune smoothies (Prunies) to keep up that geriatric energy. He decided to wait for the pretty girl (Harvey and Jessica) to call him for the first time in his life, and that girl ended up taking someone else to Prom (Handle the case that is being built by the SEC). His dreams of becoming a name partner appear to be getting a busy signal.

13. Walter Gillis - Walter is the most easily convinced human being on the planet. He doesn't want to sell his distribution plants until Mike offers him something larger than what he expected. 30 seconds later, they're sold. He doesn't want to sell the whole thing, until 90 seconds later, and now he's game to give it up, because Mike brought up a bunch of dead people. I wish Walter was real. I'd just start naming dead presidents and could probably walk out with a million dollars. 

Suits Power Rankings - Know When to Fold 'Em

What happened last week? Well, I used an analogy where UConn won the National Title, and then it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a heart attack and lost his girlfriend while Harvey kept busy by rising to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be joining the dirtbag world of investment banking. It's time to look at this past episode.

1. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't want someone who is in it for the money, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the clear number one this week.

2. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis has a broken heart, but he manages to find a solution to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, despite saying he would be worthless about 30 seconds before that. That's a flip flop but still some good lawyering. Plus, he managed to skip work for a few days with nobody noticing. Sadly, with all the incompetence that was spreading around the office, that is enough to get him the number two spot this week.

3. Dana Scott - Scotty is rightfully pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a backbone, which is apparently a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her later, much later). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a loss for Scotty.

4. Harold Gunderson - He's coming.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is afraid of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the answer. He even tries to get more money and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Sizzle sees right through that plan. Finally, he makes the decision to become a hedge fund manager, until two hours later when he flips and becomes a lawyer. Also, he is now in the bar computer system, so all is well in the world, except he must still live in constant fear and he can never get credit for his work. But other than that, things are good.

6. Harvey Specter - Harvey is a big baby when it comes to his relationship, as he has more flip flops than a sorority. Then, he tells Mike to take the job despite him really wanting him to stay. He's basically a turd throughout the whole episode. You could say that his shining moment was beating Quelling in poker, but he he actually gave Quelling more ammunition to come after Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his little buddy decides to stay a lawyer.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is not a very competent executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but believed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from shoddy lawyering from Katrina, but then Louis fixed everything in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't have to pay Charles Van Dyke anything. I guess things worked out, but she did not show a high level of competence in this situation.

8. Charles Van Dyke - Charles used to be a partner, but now he wants to get paid more. He outlawyered Super Louis but couldn't handle Regular Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's game. It's time to put him out to pasture.

9. James Quelling - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job done. He is in heavy debt and looking to cash in with some good old-fashioned blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to spend one night to discover something that nobody else could figure out to try to screw over Mike Ross. Then he loses again, because gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which case they always win. I'm not sure if I learned a lesson on this one.

10. Katrina Bennett - She has to cover for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they team up with a super Louis. They obviously screwed the pooch by not looking deep enough into the books. Then she got her ass fired. Of course she was rehired a few hours later for her stupid loyalty.

11. Rachel Zane - She is trying to fill Mike's head with lies about Harvey so she can get that investment banking money. She also tried to play the role of lawyer again and failed miserably. I think Harvard made a very good decision by not admitting her.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna was THE WORST in this episode. She gives an impassioned speech to make Mike reconsider taking the job to protect Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Then she gives an impassioned speech to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the victim in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Mean Girls shit this episode, and when you mess with Scotty, you mess with me, and the only way I can extract revenge on fictional characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So take that, Donna, you're in last place.

Suits Power Rankings - Moot Point

In what I believe to be an unprecedented set of events, Harvey has not been in the top spot in the first two weeks of this season. Can he regain his mojo? Or are these new lawyers to much for an old favorite. I don't have time to look at the past, it's time to focus on the present, which since this is late, is basically still the past, but still, onto this week's rankings.

1. Dana Scott - Let's just break down everything that Scotty did this episode.
1. New senior partner, and she owns Louis for being late.
2. She is breaking into people's computers to ruin Louis's life.
3. She's also so hot and making fun of "Litt Up" on Facebook. She only gets a half point for that, because that's more of a Twitter joke. Maybe she could have even SnapChatted something hilarious.
4. She uses Harvey's same speech that he gave to Louis on him because she is basically female Harvey, except better since she is wonderful, and special, and beautiful, and just perfect. Oh, man, haven't had this big of a crush on a fictional character since the Pink Power Ranger. I know I shouldn't be admitting this, but I am seriously thinking about writing Fan Fiction about Dana Scott and Andi from The Bachelor.

2. Archibald Elliott Stemple - The one man who haunts Harvey, because he destroyed him in college and then never let him get his revenge. He will lie about absolutely everything. He's a total scumbag, and that's what makes him so good at his job. He sets up Harvey and uses Muhammad Ali's rope-a-dope against him. He is basically the most despicable character ever in just one episode. He's got all of the evil of HARDMAN with none of the charm. Still, he loses the case because of Mike, but had he just gone up against Harvey, he would have won. I hate this guy so much (I also really hated him on Mad Men), but god damn, he's one hell of a lawyer, and that's what these rankings are all about. I want him to go one-on-one with everyone at Pearson Specter, just so I can be aggravated and fascinated all at the same time.

3. Marsha Myers - She played tennis like I play tennis, where she is kind of terrible but runs everything down and puts it in. I have aggravated so many people by playing that way. She sounds wonderful.

4. Harvey Specter - Harvey hates Stemple, but he knows that although he may look meek, there is a tiger roaring inside of him. We found out that the one thing that you should never do is use a Muhammad Ali photoshop against him. But this was 15 years ago, Stemple was probably using MS Paint to do it, and it looked awful. Still, it burns him up inside. Stemple was staying ahead of him, but Mike helps him get the win. Then Harvey makes the terrible mistake of betraying Scotty as a name partner instead of being honest with her as her boyfriend. This means Harvey cares more about Mike than Scotty, and that is probably the most terrible decision in the history of the world.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets Harvey the opponent that he has wanted for 15 years, but even though he uncovers what Stemple was after, he will never get the credit for it. Mike must stay out of the spotlight forever. Since he will always be second fiddle at best and sometimes no fiddle at all, it really hurts him this week. Sure he's got some great lawyering, but I need my lawyers to be superstars.

6. Donna Paulsen - Donna always knows the best gifts for everyone, so she gives Mike the idea that spawns the whole episode. She also tried to influence Louis to make the right decision when it came to Scotty, but she failed on that mission. In the end, she's sprinkles, nice to have around but not a necessity.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis wants to bring the hammer down on Scotty. He tries to play nice by giving her a fancy scarf, but she still wasn't having any of it. Louis's big issue is that he suspects that nobody is actually a friend. Because of that belief, he would rather get what he wants as a partner than as a friend from Harvey. Louis is destined for two things: Success and loneliness. You can't have it all, Moby Dick.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica was 38-3 in tennis, but she could never beat one girl. Instead of strategizing a way to beat this girl, she just gave up and wants Harvey to do the same. Then she gets punked out by Mike and maybe finally realizes that if she just would have charged the net, she probably could have beaten her.

9. Katrina Bennett - Katrina got fooled by a note. Then made a stupid face about it. Not her best week.

10. Rachel Zane - She decorated the whole place while Mike was gone. That was nice, but it also really bothered me because she was wearing like 4 inch heels when Mike came home. Why would she put herself through that pain? Wear sneakers or go barefoot. No wonder you can't get into Harvard. 

Suits Power Rankings - Bad Faith

Things ended on a high note for Pearson Darby Specter, as they saved a woman from a murder charge and found a way out of their merger. But this week, ain't no way that Darby is going down without a fight. And in this fight, there are, oh, so many sports references. With Scotty coming back, it was a Harold appearance away from being specifically designed for me. Check out last week's rankings here, and now onto the fun.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is pumped to be a part of the big mission, even though they still won't adopt the badger as the firm's official mascot. He thought he was as cool as a cucumber, but he screws everything up once Mikado is brought up. But then, with help from Katrina, he comes up with the most brilliant plan ever. He's too small of a fish to get the thing done, but he goes to the whale, Harvey, and they head to the end zone, together. Louis is number one this week, because this is as high as he could ever hope to be. For the first time in months, he wasn't thinking about Mikado. He was just thinking about how he just "Litt Up" Edward Darby. He's got an assistant that admires him, Harvey respects him, and he just made a birdie in the 9th inning when all he needed was a goal, but he scored a touchdown.

2. Harvey Specter - Charming Donna with handbags. Harvey was zinging Louis hard by being dismissive to his face, but he did it as a sign of respect. He also never watches Miss America, but he does celebrate with the winner. For normal guys, that means they would buy her drinks. For Harvey, it means he allows her to buy drinks for him. Harvey did something nice for Scottie, and Harvey believed that Scottie strapped on a dildo and went to town on that ass. Instead, it was Ava Hessington pulling the ol' switcheroo to go to pound town on Pearson Darby Specter. Still, Harvey got Tony G to sign with them, because dinner with Michael Jordan closes any deal.

3. Katrina Bennett - Katrina had one job, to cool the beast, and she failed miserably in the negotiations. To make up for it, she got him a mug and a copyright. But she also gave Louis a plan to get all they wanted and more back in their side of the company. Despite her early folly, she more than made up for it and helped Louis reach his dream.

4. Mike Ross - Mike starts off by getting after it with Rachel. Also drinking coconut water for hydration. Mike wants Rachel to move in at his grandma's place. It's cool though, Grandma's dead, so they can sex anytime they want. Mike also plays the Rachel card with her Dad, and good luck getting Mr. Zane to pay for the wedding now, ya idiot. But his girlfriend might be moving across the country to not have to move in with him, so something tells me that things aren't as good as they seem in the bedroom.

5. Rachel Zane - Doesn't stand for people putting coffee mugs on the wrong side of the sink. That is a girl after my own heart. She is not happy to be used as a pawn in a negotiation, but she is happy to be accepted into Stanford, because now Andrew Luck might finally start answering her fan mail.

6. Donna Paulsen - NEW HANDBAGS, YA'LL.

7. Tony Giannopoulos - Taking his private jet to dinner with Michael Jordan. Tony G believes that Giannis Antetokounmpo could be even better than Jordan. I gotta hand it to him, the man has national pride.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is a huge Tony Sparano fan, so she wants to run the wildcat in negotiations like they are the 2010 Miami Dolphins. This means Louis will be Chad Pennington, but he will be split outside. Harvey is Ronnie Brown receiving the snap. Mike will be Ricky Williams, obviously. Katrina is Brandon Marshall, frustrated by being a decoy, Donna is Davone Bess, because she's a threat in the open field, and Rachel is Jake Long, because all she wants to do is plow. Oh god, Jessica, this is not the dream team that you were hoping for. Her only hope is that Edward Darby is the Tom Cable of this analogy, and they can beat the Raiders 33-17.

9. Dana Scott - Dana Scott, looking hot and putting Harvey in his place. Unfortunately, Harvey beat her in bad faith, and she uses the sympathy (sex) card to try to get him to go back on his work with Folsom Foods. Then Harvey ends up screwing her even worse, and she tries to tell him to stop, but Harvey doesn't like talking, so he screws her thoroughly before they realize that they're both screwed. Scotty, if I ever get put into this fictional world, I promise to treat you like the princess that you are.

10. Nigel Nesbitt - Played Louis like a fiddle and ruined the bad faith negotiations that Harvey and Jessica were trying to pull off. Then he floats back to England, probably to play with a doll collection, because that guy just looks like he still plays pretend with various dolls while Mikado gives instructions.

11. Mrs. Zane - The wet blanket of this whole episode. Just let your daughter be happy, ya old hag.

12. Robert Zane - He's a dick, but he loves his daughter, so he's willing to make settlements. And he appreciates that Mike has balls. Mr. Zane likes balls.

13. Mikado - Never heard the letters that Louis wrote; now poops while facing New York.

Suits Power Rankings - Conflict of Interest

Hoo, doggy, this was one crazy episode of Suits. Shit got real in so many ways. There was betrayal, double crossing, and sex. With all this going on, it was the toughest week to come up with a number one on these rankings. Anyway, I can't wait any longer to get into things, so for last week, click here, but now onto this week's rankings:

1. Donna Paulsen - Donna bought a new dress to impress Huntley. She unjammed a copier by bumping her ass against it. She's basically The Fonz. Donna skips Daniel Day-Lewis in a kilt to get her freak on with Huntley. She also gets to use double entendre and hidden meanings with Huntley, which, for her, is like receiving cunnilingus. So good for you, Donna. Sure, you got yelled at by Harvey, but that will only push you to do what's best for you instead of worrying about his interests. A Donna out for herself is number one Donna in my book.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey runs. Ladies have a double take when Harvey runs by. He takes Louis down a peg by doing whatever he wants when it comes to Hessington Oil. Then he goes Big Dog by taking Jessica down a peg by letting her know that Darb-Diggity has his back in this case. He of course makes every correct decision along the way, but Jessica and Louis go behind his back and mess everything up. The merger case isn't really his, but Harvey surprisingly did not get what he wanted, which is very rare.

3. The Assistant - Straight up owns Louis by letting him know that they were way ahead of him on his plan, because apparently Wharton is better than Harvard. After owning Louis, you know this guy was about to treat himself to some hookers with rockin' chest beefers that would make even Karl Welzein jealous. That's a power move.

4. Stephen Huntley - Huntley does a classic move by hitting on Rachel to make Donna want him more. This man has clearly read The Game and prescribes to the Mystery Method. He then signs up Donna to be his sex assistant. She propositions him for sex, and he proves that he is nowhere near the level of Harvey. He called a taxi. A taxi? Harvey would have had his driver already waiting, because he would have known he was about to be propositioned for sex. Also, he wasted a lot of money on those tickets by not going to the show. I wouldn't waste a $6 matinee movie ticket for sex. Tell the lady to cool her jets for a while, and you can get down to business later. Sex can wait, my third viewing of Fast Six cannot.

5. Mike Ross - Mike uses his crappy British accent to trick a reporter into missing his exclusive interview with Ava. Something I have noticed is Mike Ross is the worst lawyer ever if he is by himself. Literally, every great idea that he has ever had while lawyering has been due to the fact that he was talking to someone else. They talk about something completely random and the idea pops in his head. This man should not be working alone, as he is really just wasting everyone's time as he memorizes documents. He also tells Rachel that he loves her, but that's just what losers do to make themselves feel better.

6. Edward Darby - Hangin' in Toronto, and putting Jessica in her place. She said she was concerned about money with Hessington Oil, but he points out that she wasted company money by flying to Toronto when she could have just called. That's a good burn, Darby. Still, Jessica left him with his dick in his hand after she screws over Ava Hessington for the good of the firm.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis power walks. Ladies ignore Louis. He tries to do things behind Harvey's back, but Harvey has set up Harvey only lanes throughout New York City, so he can stop anything. He then tries to get Jessica to go behind Harvey's back, but she refuses. Louis "Litt Up" Harvey by taking full control of the takeover case. Louis got the board to agree to boot Ava, but then he has a change of heart when he finds out that Ava is innocent. Still, Jessica tells him not to stop what he has already done, so he lets it happen like a total pud.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tries to assert her control over Harvey but instead gets completely owned by him when she realizes that Darby is the man who is in charge of the law firm. On top of that, Louis calls her out for no longer being in charge. Wait, wait, wait, on top of THAT, Darby then puts her in her place about her not being in charge. She then decides that it is time for her to stop playing by the rules, and she lets Louis do what he must to keep Hessington Oil as a client. Jessica no longer cares about innocence, she just wants to do everything she can to keep the billables for Hessington Oil. She triumphantly walks away from Darby when he confronts her on things, but she got shit on throughout this entire episode until the end, so it is tough to put her too high in the rankings.

9. Katrina Bennett - If she was less attractive, Louis would be in love with her. Unfortunately, she's traditionally pretty. She gave Mike credit for their idea to make a truce with him, and it seems like those two are finally getting along. She still got put in her position by making a deal with Harvey and making a funny video of Mike, and it's going to take me a while to forgive her for the latter.

10. Rachel Zane - She just gossips throughout this episode and offers nothing else. At least she's pretty.

11. Ava Hessington - She wants to talk, but Harvey convinces her not to by pointing out that she is going to look more guilty than a dog with icing on its face in a missing cupcake case. Ava finally convinces Harvey and Mike that she didn't commit those murders. Unfortunately, Louis got the board to betray her, and she lost control of her company. She's innocent of the murders and still lost her company, so, yeah, it's not a great week to be Ava Hessington.

Suits Power Rankings - Unfinished Business

Last week, Harvey and Mike got back together, and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Will they or won't they? They won't; Harvey is out of Mike's league, even moreso than Rachel. Still, they teased about a new hotshot British lawyer coming in and dominating Harvey, so all I will be thinking throughout this entire episode is, "America: Love it or leave it." For last week's rankings, click here, but now onto this week.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey gets Louis's help on Hessington Oil. He thinks that Ava is a murderer, but that doesn't matter, because all he cares about is winning. Harvey is able to negotiate $1 in bail for Ava. Of course he dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1998, her best year. He then buddies up with the new hotshot from England, because Harvey can benefit from his presence. Harvey rips Katrina a new one, because she made a funny video. This is the proper reaction, because making stupid videos is not a valuable use of company time. He has to keep her around for now, because of their deal, but she has made her a worthless cog in a machine. He wins the case with Ava despite him thinking that she was guilty. He then tells Mike of his master plan to take over the firm. Overall, everything's coming up Specter right now.

2. Stephen Huntley - He is Darby's fixer, and he's trying to merge the two sides culturally. He was a pathetic loser who dated Elizabeth Hurley in 1999. Then he finally tells Harvey that he is actually in town to help him take over the firm from Jessica. This disarms both Harvey and me, as my patriotism takes a back seat to just plain liking the guy. He then helps Harvey win back Ava, because he is just there to help. He macks on Donna by driving fancy cars and talking about theater, and his seduction skills, much like his lawyering, is on point.

3. Ava Hessington - She is recruiting Harvey to be number two, but those plans have to be put on hold while she gets charged for murder. She then wants Harvey to bribe people, because this woman solves all of her problems with bribes. I want to stand in front of her on the sidewalk; she will probably give me $10,000 just to move. But seriously, this lady is obsessed with whether people think she is a murderer, as she asks everybody repeatedly, even though everybody responds that it does not matter. Still, she gets away with murder, literally, so props to her for that.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna forgives Rachel. Then she gets the hots for Huntley and found out he has a suite for a month, so she'll have a proper place to shag him. She acts tough on the outside, but she is feeling juicy on her insides. Nothing wrong with a lady getting herself some. Good for you, Donna.

5. Harold (Jakowski) Gunderson - His last name used to be Jakowski, but Mike now calls him Harold Gunderson. Did he get gay married? Did he get married to a lady and take her name? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Anyway, he helped set a murderer free by going behind his boss's back. That was a baller move. Still, we didn't actually get to see him. Come back, Harold.

6. Mike Ross - Mike grills Ava, and she does not like it one bit. Mike really just wants to be loved by his boss. Mike gets some good info on Cameron that gets Ava a chance at bail. Katrina made a funny video about him, and he responds by trying to photoshop a bad picture of her. That is what really killed him in these rankings, because he was incredibly strong in every other aspect of this episode. When he's not working with Adobe, he does find a way for Ava to legally bribe people, and they win the case thanks to that and calling in a favor to Harold.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Does a masterful comparison between non-dairy creamer and Mike, because they both try to be real but are in fact fake. Louis goes to origami festivals and wants an associate to be his mentee and share those wonderful moments with. He picks Katrina, because of the funny video she sent. That is a big downgrade for him.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel uses jokes to win back Donna, and she also smooths things over between Donna and Mike. She was involved in the photoshop fiasco, because she used a fake profile to become friends with Katrina and find a bad picture of her. Congratulations, you dodo.

9. Jessica Pearson - She messed up by insisting that Harvey take the deal, so it is pretty much her fault that Ava is charged by murder. Then she needs Harvey to look into Stephen, and he does but does not tell her the truth. She acts cocky about never losing a client, but she is currently getting played like a fiddle.

10. Cameron Dennis - Charges Ava with murder. This means that he totally owned Harvey throughout this entire case, because he set them up and it worked perfectly. He also stalks Harvey as he seems to find him anytime he has a meal at a restaurant. Finally, Harvey will win the case with bribes that Cameron can do nothing about, so it appears that he is finally done and has officially lost to Harvey. Cameron let someone get away with murder, and he is still not the lowest person on this list. That honor goes to...

11. Katrina Bennett - Katrina tries to help out Louis, but Louis shoots her down immediately. So then she tries to bring her information to Harvey, but Mike and Donna catch her and make her get the hell out of everyone's business. Poor Kat; she just wants to be accepted by the firm. When Mike won't accept her, she sends a funny video of him to the entire office. Yes, she seriously did that. Like, I am not joking, this really happened. She then uses this stupid video to become Louis's best bud, and this plan works. Ugh, she is basically The Miz, only in Suits form. Katrina is now the worst. 

Suits Power Rankings: Week 5 - Normandy

This episode may have been called Normandy, but it should have been called Ladies Night, because the ladies were ON POINT in this episode. It seems that they one-upped every guy that they interacted with and good for them. Too often, ladies play by the rules, but I saw a different side where these Law Ladies played by their own rules, and, not gonna lie, it was a major turn on. Last week's rankings are here, now onto this week's list:

1. Jessica Pearson - Her firm has no money, which is embarrassing. I thought she was going to have a very weak performance, but she's still got swagger. She did a great job of putting people in their places. Then at the end, she threw everyone a curveball. By thinking about a merger with Darby, she was able to share her books, and he was able to find the embezzlement by HARDMAN. That is playing by your own rules and some great lawyerin'. Great job, Jessica. You have earned the number one spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - Was putting Mike in his place repeatedly. Then she pulled a power move on Rachel and made her feel like shit. Then she beat Mike to the information that they were searching for. She is basically driving Mike and Rachel to a joint suicide. She notifies Rachel that it's good that she is going to law school, because lawyers "sleep with the paralegals, but end up with the lawyers." She was a total bitch, and I loved it. I like Kat, but I can't help but wish it was played by Autumn Reeser. I mean, really, who couldn't use more Taylor Townsend in their life?

3. Dana Scott - Never got married, but still looking good. She took the Bakersfield case, so that's baller of her. Then she made fun of Harvey's age, which takes balls, vagina balls, but balls nonetheless. She showed so much balls that she forced Harvey to join up with her firm. Also, her firm has a jet, and she litigated Harvey into sleeping with her. Surprisingly, no lady has ever gotten me on a private jet and convinced me into sleeping with her. She tricked Harvey pretty well, but he left her with her cleavage hanging out. Don't worry, sweet Scotty, if you give me a ride on your jet, I'll give you a ride on my rocket. HEY-OH!

4. Mike Ross - Mike Ross would have a great college, because he would only let in hot chicks. He gets totally owned by Katrina repeatedly, as she always finds a way to be a step ahead. But he uses her own methods against her to get major credit for helping out in the Folsom Foods case. I still can't put him quite as high as the ladies.

5. Harvey Specter - Needs to get the cash money. Harvey really impressed me by using a WWII reference instead of a Michael Jordan reference. It looked like Scotty had a leg up on him, and not in a good way where that leg is up on his shoulder, HEY-OH! But then he totally gets her firm to do exactly what he wants. Harvey made a lady with no uterus cry. His bad cop was on point. He turns down Scotty, because she actually knew more than he did and was tricking him the whole time. This means no sex and no partnership, because Michael Jordan didn't need teammates...to buy the Bobcats (I'm actually pretty sure he does have partners in that, but I couldn't ignore the contributions of Scottie Pippen and friends during the glory years, and I needed to make some sort of Michael Jordan reference).

6. Edward Darby - He's one cool cat who wants to get naked with Harvey. Everyone at that damn British firm wants to have sex with Harvey. Plus he might merge with Pearson Hardman. I know PH always says they are the best firm in New York, but they have no money, and this firm in England seems like way better off. But, as the saying goes, Darby's gonna Darb.

7. Daniel Hardman - Pearson Hardman spent a bunch of time trying to start where HARDMAN would not be, and that is exactly where he was. Unfortunately, they got into his head when they took his name plate down. Then he got outhustled by Jessica's tricks. Please don't go, HARDMAN. I'll miss you.

8. Sheila Sass - Stopped Rachel from getting into Harvard. Then banged Louis, but didn't get her vagina balls off enough to let Rachel in. Tough break.

9. Louis Litt - "Litt"erally was not around for the first half of this episode, but immediately made an impact by assuring Rachel that he would get her into Harvard. Then he gets after it with Sheila.  Louis said she didn't get in, because she wanted revenge, but it was because he couldn't give her the business well enough.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's looking at places to live near Harvard, but she didn't get in, so whoopsies. But she put on her sexiness to help out Mike and screw over Katrina, so props to her for that. Even if she can't get into Harvard, she can still go to law school. Maybe she'll go to Greendale Community College and be Law classmates with Jeff Winger.