Wednesday, March 11, 2015

A Guy's Thoughts On The Bachelor: Season 19

I am a guy. I have all of the necessary parts to prove it, and not only am I a guy by sex, but also by gender. I identify as a guy. Also, I watch The Bachelor. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy The Bachelor. These facts make me the quintessential source on everything that happened on this season. I have thoughts, oh, I have so many thoughts on The Bachelor. I have been keeping them inside, but these thoughts are bubbling up, and they are about to explode all over this blog.

The Bachelor
A lot of people think Chris is boring and stupid. Let me assure you that if you knew nothing about Chris but what you saw on this show, you could even feel quite confident in calling him boring and stupid. As a connoisseur of The Bachelor, I can assure you that Chris may be the smartest Bachelor in history (this may not be saying much). Chris played the game perfectly. Now, as The Bachelor, he shouldn't have to play a game; all the ladies are there for him. But he wasn't playing a game for love, he was playing a game for public approval, and he obtained an incredibly high approval rating with viewers by just not messing up.

Sure, it's cool to make out with all the ladies, but where he truly excelled was in his order of eliminations. This man never eliminated a woman who did something interesting. Let's take a look back.

Get so wasted you can barely stand the first night?
Stick around, he doesn't want to offend any alcoholics.

You randomly do crazy shit and can't tell the difference between a pomegranate and an onion?
Maybe in another week, you'll learn, so he can't kick you out on the streets without fruit smarts.

You've already been so wasted that you had to be eliminated, but now you want to come back?
Sure, everybody deserves a second chance.

Have a child?
Have a rose and leave that child alone in the apartment for another week. If a cat can survive being left alone for weeks, so can a baby.

You resemble a Kardashian and tell him you're a virgin?
You just bought yourself an extra week.

Your husband died?
That's an amazing story. Have a rose to cheer you up.

You don't shower?
How about you get showered in cheers at a Big and Rich concert.

Oh, another virgin?
I guess you get to make the final two instead of the precious flower that is Kaitlyn.

Literally, any girl who stood out got to stick around for at least another week. Chris was the least offensive Bachelor in history, and that takes incredible self-control. Everybody seems to love the farmer from Iowa, but Iowa people are better than other people, so I can't say I'm surprised.

The Ladies
But we need to talk about the ladies. First off, there is Alissa, Amanda, Amber, Bo, Brittany, Jordan, Juelia, Kara, Kimberly, Mackenzie, Michelle, Nicole, Nikki, Reegan, Samantha, Tandra, Tara, Tracy, and Trina. Although some of these women had some moments, none of them are worth revisiting. Let's talk about the essential ladies from the show.

Although she only lasted a few weeks, there are few Bachelor contestants that made as much of an impact as Ashley S. She was given the task of shooting zombies, but she wanted to shoot the other ladies. That's just smart. Then she showed she was fearless by walking into the fog towards the zombies, as she believed in the power of love. She's an insane person, and I am really happy that Chris Harrison demanded that she participate in the weird Bachelor stepchildren shows to keep her in my life. She is crazy...crazy awesome. Ashley S, you get it, girl.

The battle between Ashley I. and Kelsey was one I could do without. A lot of people thought Kelsey was the worse person in this situation, but it was definitely Ashley I. Ashley I. was not entertaining. She just existed and cried. Anybody can cry, but it takes something special to have Kelsey's story. Her story is amazing, and her lack of self-awareness is even more amazing. Did I have my doubts that she ever had a husband? Yes, yes I did. Did I look it up on the internet to make sure she had one? Yes, yes I did. I had to. There was something so off with her. Something so inhuman that there was no way that everything about her was real. But it was all real. She's a total sociopath. I hope she finds love with Juan Pablo.

Apparently, there was a girl named Megan who lasted until Week 7. She looks vaguely familiar, but I have zero memories of her. Just thought I should bring that up.

Carly kept it real. She knew she was going home, so she used her last moments to bury Britt. I was shocked that she was getting booed at the Women Tell All reunion. She had a good sense of humor and seemed like a pretty cool chick. I think she got a raw deal with how people reacted, and I want you to know, Carly, I got your back.

Speaking of having Carly's back, this brings me to Jillian who didn't last that long, but she was THE WORST person ever during the Women Tell All. She just kept butting in on things. And yes, if Carly said she had a dick, that's a shitty thing to say to a buff chick like Jillian (or really any lady in general), but your weird protective nature of Britt made everyone uncomfortable, and I would have way rather watched you do box squats.

Jade was the only woman to drop a bombshell and not move on. Being a drunk is cool, lack of cleanliness is also cool, but posing naked early on in life is not cool. I have a buddy who was all about Jade, and I get it. She's attractive in that "Could be in Playboy but is made for Penthouse" sort of way, but I would have liked to see more of her wildside, which I was able to when I Googled images of her.

The Important Ladies
I'm not saying the other ladies weren't important, but when you look at this season, these four ladies held the most prominent roles. Let's start with the champ.

Was Whitney the right pick? Yes, I think Chris did a good job. She seems like a very nice person, was all about moving to Iowa, and her last name is Bischoff. That's a triple threat, and you just know that her uncle Eric played a part in pushing Chris towards making the right decision. I'm not saying the threat of an Elimination Chamber was brought up, but I'm also not saying it wasn't. Also, I would be quick with your vows if I were you Chris. Don't make them go on too long, especially not three minutes too long.

Becca was very interesting in that she was clearly gunning for The Bachelorette. She did everything to disqualify herself from being selected in the final episodes. When she got dumped, you could see it in her eyes that she was telling herself to look sad, but was plotting what dates she would plan when she had a season all to herself. Now, obviously, her strategy did not lead to her becoming The Bachelorette(s), but honestly, it was a great strategy. She is an attractive woman who has the whole virgin thing going for her for added intrigue, so on paper, she would have made an excellent candidate to be the next Bachelorette. Unfortunately, she underestimated one area. She is completely uninteresting. What do I know about Becca outside of her being a virgin? She currently lives in San Diego, and the only reason I remember that is I thought it was crazy for anyone who lives in San Diego to move to Iowa. She also knew it was crazy, so good for her. Unfortunately, she will drift from everyone's memory and fade away, but still, I want to give her props for her strategy as it's that kind of forward thinking that will get you ahead in this world.

There may be some extra sting for Becca considering the next season of The Bachelorette(s).

So, yeah, there are two Bachelorettes for next season. Britt and Kaitlyn will be sharing the honor. I know the audience is like 90% female, so ladies, why did you like Britt? I mean, yeah, as a guy, I get it. She's very attractive and seems like she would be a pleaser when it comes to the hibbity dibbity. But these shows are rightfully geared towards women, and the women in the audience seemed to really like Britt. Is it just that she cries a lot? Because I get it, sympathy is nice, but man, she broke a lot of the unwritten rules of The Bachelor, and women are like baseball players when it comes to the sanctity of the unwritten rules. But Britt got a pass and became one half of The Bachelorette.

As for the other half of The Bachelorette, I am very happy that there will be more Kaitlyn in my life. I was Team Kaitlyn from the very first episode, and I stayed true the entire time. She is wonderful. Now, Kaitlyn may not be the most traditionally pretty girl that was on this season, but I'm past the point where I need traditionally pretty, because that shit's boring. Kaitlyn has charisma; she has the "It" factor, and that made me far more attracted to her than any other girl on this season.

From beginning to end, Kaitlyn kept it real. She kept things lighthearted early on, and she put up walls to protect her heart. When she finally let those walls down, she was hurt, and I can never fully forgive Chris for hurting this precious angel. But him hurting her has led her to become a Bachelorette, so I can't be all that mad.

But about that decision. The Bachelor/ette people were really counting on it being even applause for both of those girls, but it was about ten times louder for my girl Kaitlyn. She clearly should have been the single Bachelorette, but this problem will probably take care of itself when every guy on the first episode goes for Kaitlyn, and Britt has to hitch-hike her way home.

Maybe it's her dance moves, maybe it's her explicit raps, and maybe I just have a weird thing for Canadians, but I'm #TeamKaitlyn all the way. 


  1. I'm still all in on Jade. Our love continues through Twitter. - Hott Joel

    1. Has any of that love actually been reciprocated?