Monday, September 7, 2015

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked RAW Script From 8/31/15

Hey, I don't know how Lukewarm Jonah got the goods (and honestly, I don't want to know), but he somehow managed to get his hands on this leaked script from RAW last week. He told me this is real, and honestly, it seems fairly legit (although for legal purposes, this may not be legit in any way, shape, and form). LJ, take it away:

RAW opens with Sting’s music hitting as he makes his way to the ring for a promo.

Sting: It’s great to be back here in Tampa.  But now onto the important stuff.  The last time I fought in the WWE I fought The Game, The Asskicker, The greatest, funniest, smartest, most handsome wrestler, no wait person, ever in the history of the entire universe Triple H.  Even though I spent months being angry at him for abusing his power and he had to resort to hitting me in the head with a sledgehammer to win our match at Wrestlemania, him shaking my hand was the greatest moment of my life, way better than my wedding or the birth of my children.  Now I have to fight Seth Rollins who despite being the World Heavyweight Champion and US champion is a complete joke, especially when you compare him to The Cerebral Assassin Triple H.  Coming out here week in and week out and performing at a high level ain’t shit when you compare it to a 46 year old guy who wrestles once a year.  Just on a personal level, I would also like to point out that I’ve seen Triple H in the locker room and let me tell you that he’s always carrying around a sledgehammer if you know what I mean.

Sting leaves, cut to backstage where Seth Rollins and Stephanie McMahon are standing.

Rollins: I’m understandably upset that Sting just completely ran me down.

Steph: Whoa there no one has ever been better than my husband so don’t say, think, or even wonder about it.

Two hours of stupid wrestling that doesn’t include Triple H.  Important note: Make sure to say Diva’s Revolution as much as possible without any irony while putting on incredibly short diva’s matches.

Final segment- Seth Rollins comes out to the ring to cut a promo.

Rollins: Sting sucks, he’s the reason WCW went out of business.  Now since I’m the champion of the world and the United States I think I’m as good as Triple H, note I didn’t even say better just that I think I’m as good, and that I hope that one day I can surpass him because I have career goals and such.  Now come out here Sting.

Steph’s music hits.

Steph: Don’t talk about Triple H, he’s obviously the greatest most popular wrestler ever despite what facts say.

Rollins: Well remember when Triple H was actually an active wrestler?  He was in Evolution with Ric Flair.  Now people think that Ric Flair was the greatest of all time, but Triple H still wanted to be the best and thought that he was better than a much older part time wrestler.  Also remember I literally said I think I’m as good as him, not better.

Steph: Never mention Triple H again unless it’s about a list that he’s on the top of.  Don’t let Sting get in your head.

Rollins: You’re right, Sting get out here.

John Cena’s music hits and Cena makes his way to the ring.

Cena: I hate the authority and everything they stand for.  I’ve been battling them forever, one time my team even got them fired for awhile.  But let me tell you something about respect, I respect Triple H because he’s the man.  Now, then, forever, that’s not a WWE slogan, that’s when you should be thinking and talking about Triple H.  You’re just some chump who’s the World Heavyweight and United States champion, clearly I respect those belts because I’m telling you how much you suck even though you hold both of them.  I challenge you to a US Title match.  Steph make it happen.

Steph: Yep that’s happening.

Rollins: Gosh darn it!

Cena’s music hits, Sting’s music hits, then Triple H’s music hits and he comes out, both Cena and Sting shake his hand and bow to him before he Pedigrees them both through the entryway.  Note: We may have to cut out the very end due to time.

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