Monday, December 4, 2017

The Least Party Boy To Ever Visit Key West

Key West, Florida is a place that many consider to be the closest thing to Paradise in the United States. An island with beautiful weather where people hang loose and party hard. Over Thanksgiving, I visited Key West, and I totally get why people enjoy it so much. But at the same time, I learned that I am officially the least party boy to ever visit Key West.

And I did give it a try. When we got in town, after eight hours of driving, we went out to one of two breweries in Key West. I have to say it was a little too nice, and the beer was just fine. This was followed by a Cabaret Show. Although I wouldn't say I was excited by it, I was at least intrigued by it. Now, I didn't really get many details for the show, so I assumed it was going to be a raunchy show full of transvestites. Instead, it was just one transvestite who was paying homage to his lady heroes. I found out that I don't know jack shit about gay icons. I couldn't tell you a single thing that Liza Minnelli or Bette Midler has done, and I'm not sure if I could name three combined songs between Cher and Reba McEntire. I couldn't even spell Minnelli or McEntire without looking it up. So, yeah, it was just a transvestite doing impressions of these ladies and making crude jokes for easy laughs. It was fine, but I was hoping to have my traditional Iowa values assaulted, and this fell well short of that.

Oh, there was also a two-drink minimum, so I started off with an old fashioned, because I am a pretentious prick. Well, they showed me, because they put club soda in it, and it tasted awful. I decided to go for a water for my second drink, which they luckily did not screw up.

The next day I hung outside all day, alternating between getting sun, and hopping in the ocean and pool. We then went out to the Elks Lodge, which was probably my favorite bar of my entire time being there. They had $2 beers and $3 select mixed drinks. One of those drinks just so happened to be a White Russian, which I probably haven't had for a decade. It was more hilarious than good, but it was still enjoyable.

We went to grab dinner at Garbo's, and I would highly recommend that as I had a fish burrito that made my mouth burn with delight. It had a great kick to it. We then went to Key West's second brewery, and they had a total of three beer options; it was fine. We went to another bar where I sat there, listened to some live music, and waited for my wife to give me the go-ahead to go home. I was back by 10:30, and I would have been fine had that been two hours earlier.

It turns out that had I stayed out later, I could have watched Gravy Wrestling. Although I was slightly bummed at first, as I started to imagine the people who would willingly wrestle in gravy the night before Thanksgiving, I realized that I likely didn't miss out on anything.

On Thanksgiving, I was offered a Colorado candy bar, so that was cool. At this age, I'm too much of a square to actually partake in that, but at least I had the opportunity.

Honestly, my highlight was on Friday when I ditched everyone to go Fort Zachary Taylor State Park. Not only did I get to see a cool old fort from the 1800s, but they also had a really nice beach. It was a totally relaxing day and well worth the $2.50 admission. I also went to a free aquatic museum and watched a 3D video of fishees swimming around. It was awesome.

So, yeah, I went to the party capital of the USA, and my highlight was going to a state park and a museum. I am officially The Least Party Boy to Ever Visit Key West.

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