The Balance Between Having Fun and Being Happy

I was a damn good time back in the day. My friends will attest that I reliably came up with good ideas and had the total lack of care for consequences to provide great memories for myself and those around me.

I am not a fun person anymore. Now my friends will attest that I truly suck as the things I did a decade ago do not even come close to happening these days. You won’t find me taking shots; instead, I’ll drink nearly as much water as I consume in alcoholic beverages. I won’t be the last one partying; instead, I’ll be the first one awake. I’ll probably go for a run, because my water consumption has led to me only feeling below average instead of horrifically hungover.

In short, I suck at fun.

Young me would be appalled at this turn of events. I mean, isn’t life all about having as much fun as possible? That’s what I thought for a long time, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that the effort for fun usually isn’t what actually makes me happy. Sure, for big occasions, I go hard, especially if it’s prominently day drinking, because staying up late is a real hassle especially since I don’t have the availability or the charm to bring home a young vixen.

So now I just chill. And it’s actually pretty great. It’s not exciting. It’s not Instagrammable. But it’s good. I hang with my wife, dog, and child, and all of them bring smiles to my face. It’s the simplest things that now bring me joy. Getting a single beer at a brewery with the entire family is a wild time for me these days. Usually, it’s less exciting than that. Just watching my son eat meals is amazing, because he feeds himself, he gets a tremendous kick out of feeding the dog, and then I snack on his leftovers while his Mommy cleans him up. It’s a win-win-win-win. It would mean nothing to anyone else, and it puts the biggest smile on my face.

So I have come to grips with a life that leads to few fun activities and even fewer adventures. I’m straight up boring...and happy. So I’m good with it.

Please Pay Me To Go To Las Vegas Clubs

I read an article in GQ last week about celebrities getting paid to show up at clubs. I use the term celebrity very loosely as the article focused on a Kardashian dude that isn't even a Kardashian, he just married into the Kardashians. But anyway, these celebrities people literally just show up, hang out for an hour or two and leave with a five figure paycheck.

I could totally do that. I not only know how to hang out and chill, but I'm exceptional at it. Like, as I write this, I'm just hanging out with my dog, watching a Pittsburgh Pirates game. My wife is out of town, which just shows that even without her to keep me in line, I have the initiative to hang out and chill.

When these people go out for these appearances, some of them just sip on water and refuse to drink any of the free alcohol. Well guess what my favorite type of alcohol is? That's right, the free kind. Also, they just stay in their private booth and occasionally nod at the crowd. As a man of the people, I would be out on the dance floor, West Coast Dancing my ass off and entertaining the goons while making all the ladies swoon.

What's that you say, Las Vegas Club Promoter? You're kind of full with your nightclub entertainment right now. Well, that's actually perfect, because boy do I have an idea for you. You see, I'm an old man. I don't like being out late all that much, but if given proper naps, I could do it for the people. My real time to shine is during daylight. So how about we bring the celebrity game to the outdoor bars with the lazy pools? You post up Hott Joe in his own private cabana, give me a keg of Natural Light, a grill, and some meats, and I will put on a damn show. I'll be drinking, eating, and topless, probably doing some sick dance moves on top of it all. I will make the party go from fun to fun squared (Fun X Fun = More Fun).

You see, by being a common man who lives the dream, I make it seem attainable for all those schmucks. And all they have to do to attain that dream? Just let loose and take a gamble. What better place to take that gamble than the high-rolling Craps tables.

As you can see, I understand the business. I'm not just here to take your money, I'm here to make you money. Please feel free to inquire on my booking fees on Twitter @HottJoe or by email. I look forward to our future business relationship.

Alex Wright - The German Hulk Hogan

Alex Wright is not a name that sticks with the casual wrestling fan. He is most known as being a dancing, German jobber and didn't make a huge impact on the sport. But he was a dancing, German jobber, so I obviously loved him. I mean, just look at this guy:

And that was in preparation to take on Triple H. He straight up punked The Game. What's not to love? Alex Wright could have been so much more in different circumstances. Just with his dancing, he's one of the most charismatic Euorpean pro wrestlers in history; I mean, he's basically the Hulk Hogan of Germany.

But he wasn't just a master on the dance floor; he was also a master on the microphone, with many claiming he was the most influential German orator since a certain unnamed 1940s dictator.

I'm always a big fan of when foreigners make fun of Ameicans for only being able to speak one language, as it is a COMPLETELY legitimate claim, because Americans are so xenophobic that ehy only learn to speak Murrican. Also, I am 100% guilty of this, as I did not care to learn Spanish when I had the chance.  He then calls out DDP, which is probably a good call, because DDP's Vegas White Trash look really was the epitome of stupid Americans, but without looking it up, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Alex Wright did not beat DDP and go on to challenge for the World Heavyweight Title at Halloween Havoc. Must have been some interference.

But why pick on DDP when you can pick on Tony Schiavone?

He calls Schiavone a "Pig of a man. An overweight, out of shape, LOSER." This man was basically German Donald Trump. Das Wunderkind for next German Fuhrer. He does get a little lost when he calls out Americans for being losers, but then individually calls out every European wrestler, who are also losers. He was mostly right, but dead wrong when he included Norman Smiley in that group.

Obviously, he was great cutting promos on cable television, so the only question left was whether he could take it to the most important medium of them all. Could Alex Wright, Das Wunderkind, convince you to select him in a video game? I think this video gives a definitive answer.

Oh, hell yeah. I want high-flying acrobatics and total wrestling action, so I am definitely going to find out what Alex Wright is all about.

So what did the dancing and the mic skills lead to? Probably three of the most unforgettable title runs in WCW history. He won the Cruiserweight Title and feuded with Jericho for about a month before losing the belt. Then, less than a week later, he won the TV Title from Ultimo Dragon before losing the title to Disco Inferno who would later become his tag partner as they formed the Dancing Fools, which, shockingly, did not lead to a run with the titles.

Then Alex Wright dyed his hair, got a mohawk, and became Berlyn. It did not work out well, as you can see here.

Luckily, Alex Wright reformed his tag team with Disqo Inferno (who changed his name to be more like Sisqo) and they became Boogie Knights. They had a feud with the Natural Born Thrillers, but Disqo got hurt. It didn't matter thought, as General Rection subbed in for him and he and Alex Wright won the Tag Titles together. Since this was late era WCW, Wright defended the titles with Elix Skipper as his partner a few days later and lost it to different members of the Natural Born Thrillers. He remained on the WCW roster until the bitter end but never transitioned to the WWE.

He was known as Das Wunderkind, Berlyn, and The German Hulk Hogan. In the end, he was just Alex Wright, and although it was a goofy career, maybe it was just Wright.

Kimberly Page Can't Dance

I've been having old Nitros playing in the background while I'm reading and writing, and occasionally something will catch my eye. One of these things was the debut of the Nitro Girls, but it was not for the obvious reasons. The Nitro Girls came along in 1997, which meant I was 13 years old at the time. This was an age where I started liking girls, but I would never outwardly admit that I liked girls (Note: This stage lasted about a decade). Hence, I was a big Kimberly fan, but as a 13 year old, I would have only described her looks as "Nice body, good hooters." Those words still ring true today, but as I started watching, I realized that Kimberly Page can't dance. Instead of just stating this with no proof, I'm going to break down the video evidence.


She's not that great on the microphone either, but I'm sure that she's happy that she no longer has to be The Booty Babe and hang out with Hulk Hogan's weird hot dog friend. But dancing wasn't really her strength as one of the first moves of the dance routine already made her look like she was moving in slow motion (and also not correctly).

She has no clue what is going on, and this wasn't the only slip up. She is very clearly trying to watch the girl next to her for clues on what she is supposed to be doing.

Literally, any time they brought up the level to professional dancer speed, poor Kim was just lost.

At least here she knows she's behind and tries to cut some corners, but if you're not going to do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all. Straight arms, Kimmy.

Well, at least, she can throw her hands up, right?

Eh, I guess a shoulder shrug works just as well.

This usually wouldn't bother me. I mean, although I am an aficionado of West Coast Dance, I understand that anyone can have an off night. But this was their debut. This was their make or break moment, and Kimberly went out there and shit the bed repeatedly. On a lot of these moves, it's clear that she's not just slow, but she simply doesn't know the routine. This is unacceptable, and although she was the leader, I'd like to believe the Nitro Girls were a Cheerocracy and not a Cheertatorship. The latter is the only reason she could have stuck around, as any great squad knows that you're only as good as the weakest link.

Kimberly was the weakest link; it's just a shame that the Nitro Girls didn't say "Goodbye."

A Guy's Review of Every "Step Up" Movie

Step Up seems like a lame movie series that is not made for guys, but I cannot imagine a girl liking these movies half as much as a guy would. It is filled with hot chicks and action sequences, because they don't like to let little things like "coherent plots" get in their way of making a great film. The beauty of these movies is that I watched the first four in a weekend and outside of two characters (Tyler Gage and Moose), I have no idea if any of these people are supposed to be the same person from different movies. The main characters in every movie are Handsome Dude and Hot Brunette. I'm not even sure if they actually have names. I love it, so I feel I need to explain all of the greatness that these movies bring so you can be ready for the fifth installment that comes out on August 8. Since this is a review for guys, I will compare each film to an installment of the Fast and Furious franchise (Step Up is obviously inferior, but it gives you an idea of what you are getting into with each movie, because every red-blooded American has seen all of the Fast and Furious movies).

Step Up - Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
This movie is absolute shit. I can't believe they were able to make a sequel after this pile of garbage. I remember watching the previews for this one and assumed that Step Up movies were awful so I never watched any of them until I came across Step Up 3D (in 2-D). A lot of people mistakenly think this is a quality one because it's got Channing Tatum. It tries to be a real movie, but trust me, it's a giant pile of shit. Just skip to the second one; you won't miss anything.

Step Up 2: Back to the Streets - Fast and Furious 4
This is where they start to figure things out. They are not quite at the level that the following movie will put the series, but they are going in the right direction. The most important change is that they make the transition from classical dance to straight up street dancing. The second most important thing is that this is the movie that introduces us to Moose who is somehow the most important character in this series despite never really being the lead of the movie. He's the glue of the dance crew.
The biggest plot hole is the fact hat this girl does not want to leave Baltimore to go live with her aunt in Texas because all of her friends are in B-More. However, once she gets into the fancy school, all but one of her friends immediately turn their backs on her, so she is left without close friends. So, in the end, she probably should have just moved to Texas.
Still, this movie is almost there. It's got some hilarious street dancing, and they also establish that none of the characters are going to make any sense. Still, it is anchored down by some classical dancing, and they are only dancing for respect. The stakes get progressively higher as these movies go on.

Step Up 3-D - Fast Five
I have already written a whole separate post about this movie, because it's that good. But every time I watch this movie, I think I could easily come up with 2000 new words on it. You know how Fast and the Furious was a semi-realistic movie about racing cars through the first four movies, and then for Fast Five, they just said, "Fuck it," and made it the most awesome thing ever with shit that could never possibly happen in real life. That is basically what happens in Step Up 3-D, except for dancing as opposed to car stunts.

The best exchange of the movie, and a top five exchange in cinematic history:

Cool Guy: You're BFAB.
Moose: What's BFAB?
Cool Guy (casual as fuck): Born From A Boombox

It is very important how casually he says this, and also that he manages to do it with a straight face. It makes me laugh out loud every time I hear it, so it is basically their version of, "Show me how you drive, I'll show you who you are."

One issue is that everyone in this movie is the worst friend ever. Here is how every person treats their supposed best friend.
1. The bad guy in the movie makes his sister infiltrate the rival group, and then exposes her secret to the man she fell in love with.
2. The main girl infiltrated a rival group, gave away their secrets even though she said she cared about them as people. Nobody ever got mad at her for this.
3. The main dude is not innocent. He convinced his best bud (who he had known for about a month), Moose, to skip a test that was worth 25% of his grade, and also convinced him to go to a party and promised he would have him back in time for the party that Moose actually wanted to go to. Moose did not make it in time, because main dude snuck away to make out with main girl for a while.
4. Moose treated his best lady friend horribly as he constantly ignored her throughout the movie, as he only hung out with her when it was convenient for him.
5. Oh, and his best lady friend came up with the idea that her and a friend could be the Olsen Twins, but then Moose showed up, asked her to switch so he could be an Olsen Twin, and she's like, "Okay, I'll screw that girl over," so that girl had to come up with a completely different idea for Halloween. I would feel bad for that girl, but the pattern shows that she was probably a really shitty person to her best friend as well.
6. Finally, the whole dance crew who lives for free where their only responsibilities are to dance and have a good time, get super pissed at the guy when his house and club gets repossessed, because it means they have no place to live. If everyone would have just gotten job, he wouldn't have lost the place, but he was housing a bunch of ungrateful freeloaders. Seriously, this is the worst display of friendship in cinematic history.

But the reason I have written so much about this one is because I fucking love this movie. I laugh, I cheer, I even cover my mouth and go "Oh no he didn't!" If you only watch one Step Up movie, make it this one.

Step Up: Revolution - Fast Six
Where Step Up 3-D (available in 2-D) had to save a dance club/domicile for dancers who refuse to get day jobs, Step Up: Revolution takes it one step further where they must save an entire neighborhood. There are not only houses at stake, but a bar that will give you free drinks if you dance with their unattractive relatives. It is a very important place for poor people who want to live on the ocean in Miami.

Sandy Cohen is a real estate developer and father of the main girl, so he is the one trying to take away their neighborhood. His daughter tries to tell him to pick a different spot, but Sandy Cohen tells his daughter that he doesn't tell her how to dance, so she shouldn't tell him how to run his business. It's a sick burn that puts her in her place.

For the rest of the plot, they learn that it is not enough to dance to get noticed, they need to dance to make a difference. Once they learn that, they are truly unstoppable.

I think my favorite part is where the crew finds out that the new girl in the crew is actually the daughter of the developer that is trying to take their homes. One guy in the crew is like, "Should we talk to Handsome Dude about this?" And the other guy is like, "No, I have a better idea." His idea was to break into a fancy party, cause a shit ton of damage, and make the guests feel like they were about to be murdered. Nobody questioned this plan.

As great as that is, the most hilarious part is when Sandy Cohen tells his daughter, "Don't worry honey, soon we can leave here (Miami) and get back to Cleveland." Yep, Cleveland. You know what the best thing about Cleveland is? I don't have to live there. But it's pretty clear this movie was written by a Cavs fan.

So why write this report now? Two reasons. First off, ABC Family had a marathon of the first three on last weekend, and the fourth one was on demand from one of the premium channels, so I was able to knock them all out within a week. But more importantly, the fifth installment, Step Up: All In comes out August 8, just one month away, and I wanted to give everyone ample time to get amped up for this movie, as it includes All-Stars from the previous movies all coming together for what could be the most epic dance battle yet. Will I see it in the theaters? Probably not...but maybe, and that is saying quite a lot for a dance movie.

Daggering

I am a fervent supporter of West Coast Dance, as, when it comes to the artistic side of dance, I don't think it gets any more beautiful than well executed West Coast Dance moves. Up until now, I have also found it to be the most entertaining form of dance, but like all great art forms, West Coast Dance has evolved. Jamaicans have clearly seen a man sitting on the floor playing air piano, or seen a girl turned upside down and her hair used to mop the floor; they probably even saw a man use a broom and a sweeper to push poor dancers off to the side to give more room for true West Coast Dancers. They saw this and were inspired. These brave Jamaicans have made it their own and created Daggering.

When I first saw this video on World Star Hip Hop, my jaw was agape throughout the entire thing and for most of the hour that followed. I went to YouTube to find more, and I found this extended version that has changed my entire world view.

If you have never seen Daggering, let me just warn you: You're not ready. I have seen some crazy shit on the dance floor, and I was not ready for what I saw. There were times where I literally started screaming in excitement, because they went to places I could only dream of. The entire video is amazing, but I wanted to break down my favorite parts.

Let's start off with a gentleman spinning his lady around until losing his balance and sending her head first into the floor.

That girl is not moving, so the guy does the gentlemanly thing and covers her head with his hat. The thing I love about this is that there was no way he was going to stop spinning until he fell to the floor and gave this girl a concussion. Also, I'd like to point out that there is a walker just hanging out on the dance floor. Learning lessons from West Coast Dance, props play a huge part in Daggering.

This next one is pretty amazing. This guy finds a woman with the full intention to abuse her. Like, he seemingly just picks this woman completely at random and decides, "Yep, I'm about to fuck up your back." He finds a pole for the girl to hold onto, then finds a fast food trash receptacle, and then...well, then magic happens.

He gives her a big splash. Then he swings around on the pole to get back on his perch and just kind of jumps off to the side. But he spins one more time around to get on the trash can and proceeds to jump with all of his might on her back and ride her like a pony. The most amazing part is that this girl seems unfazed by the entire thing. That Jamaican chick is straight up country strong.

Just a middle of the dance floor face hump, no big deal.

As you can tell, people are very excited by this maneuver.

Next we have a guy who climbs on top of the speakers to do a big splash on not one, not two, but three women who are lying on a table on top of each other.

There are wrestlers in the WWE who would be unwilling to take these bumps. And on top of that, it ends with a different guy beating a girl with a belt, and then choking her with it. That's a little extreme, even for me, but that's just how they Dagger down south.

All you need to know is that this next video is of a man powerbombing a large woman onto another large woman.

Notice how I said that these were women? These ain't no girls. These are grown ass women. The girl who got powerbombed popped right back up, despite her ass hanging out of her pants. And the girl lying on the ground knew that something bad was going to happen to her, and she took it like a champ. Oh, but we've saved her shining moment for last.

A guy uses a step ladder to give this woman a splash and then violently humps her. That's pretty awesome, but what happens after made my jaw drop, and I have not been able to shut my mouth since. Just watch, because nothing can prepare you for what happens next.

HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA I REPEAT: HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA. I have so many questions.

1. Was there a car battery at the dance floor?
2. If not, who had the idea to bring one?
3. Did they take it from their own car?
4. Did they steal it from another car?
5. Did they know that they were going to hook it to a woman's vagina that night?
6. Was it a conscience decision to hook up the positive end?
7. Is this because vaginas are a positive thing, so it only makes sense to go positive to positive?
8. Would something different have happened had he hooked up the negative end?
9. Is the negative end reserved for buttholes?
10. Finally, are they going to put the battery back in the car that they got it from or is it seen as the cost of great Daggering?

Whoever did this, thank you. Thank you so much, because sometimes I doubt that the world can ever truly create anything new and wonderful. And then I saw this, and I rejoiced, because innovation isn't running out of energy, it's being hooked to car batteries and creating the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I got married five months ago, and Daggering is right up there as the best thing to happen to me in the last year.

Who's down for a trip to Jamaica?

I Am The Life Of The Party At Weddings...Don't Be Like Me

Well, my friends really fucked me over on this one. At my wedding, everybody was on the dance floor. Not only were pro wrestling moves happening. There was not a man, woman, or child that they were not willing to dance with in some ridiculous manner. I went along with the whole thing, because as a West Coast Dancer, I know how to get down and boogie. Honestly, it was a blast and definitely the weirdest wedding dance floor that I have ever seen.

But now every time I go to a wedding with my wife's family and friends in attendance, they are not looking forward to seeing me for riveting conversation, they are looking forward to my breathtaking dance moves.

We went to a wedding a couple weekends ago. Right after the wedding, before the bride had even exited into the limo, her mother came up to me to let me know that she was looking forward to seeing me out on the dance floor. Was I flattered? Of course, but it put a lot of pressure on me when I should just be a random guest at the wedding.

Did I deliver? Well, yes, I wowed the crowd. I went to some of my patented moves, like the duck walk grind, which is just like it sounds, incredibly tiring, but always gets the crowd excited. I also brought out an invisible basketball, had it transformed into a soccer ball and didn't miss a beat. I danced with every lady in the building including when I brought out the bride in the middle of a dance circle and twerked on her. People were awed, and a great time was had by all.

So what's the problem?

The problem is that I have only heightened expectations for the next wedding. I'll have to come up with even fresher moves and deliver another high energy performance. Sure, next time I'll still be fine. Even the time after, I should be good. But what about 6, 7, 8 weddings down the road? How am I supposed to keep this up? I hate to admit it, but I'm not getting any younger. A few years down the road, I'm going to have to come to the realization that I'm not as good as I once was, but can I continue to be as good once as I ever was? I'd like to think so, but there are no guarantees. There is the very real possibility that this all comes crashing down when I try to push through the flu to dance my ass off, and instead I am left leaving a $50 plate of food on the dance floor. The scariest part is I'm not sure which hole it is going to exit out of.

It is not worth it being the center of attention, because the pressure and expectations are only going to increase as time goes on. I'm going to have a hip replacement and still be gettin' jiggy in the middle of dance floors despite extreme pain in every part of my body.

So, please, take my advice. Play it safe at weddings. Pick your spots. Find one song to break out a patented move and nail it. People will remember you as making an impact, and you won't have to be out there all night to do it. I wish I could follow my own advice, but me? I'm stuck. All I can ask is the next time you see a guy dancing his ass off all night long at a wedding and making sure everybody is having a blast, take him aside and thank him for his service. I know I'd appreciate it.

A Man's Guide To "The Nutcracker"

Since I am a man of great substance and culture, I went to the ballet over the weekend. Now many out there may call me a Nancy Boy for this action, but, um...shit, I was really hoping to have a comeback for that. Anyway, going to the ballet is a good way to impress a lady, so it's maybe, kind of, somewhat justifiable. 

I sat there intently as I actually learned many things from "The Nutcracker." It would be a disservice to the world if I kept these things to myself, so today, I would like to share my thoughts so that other men will know what they are in store for when going to "The Nutcracker." 

My only experience with ballet up to this point was the Saved By The Bell where the guys filled in at the last second so they wouldn't have to cancel things. Obviously, like all things SBTB, hilarity ensued. Screech dressed up like a giant bird, but everybody else was in leotards. Because of this, I assumed everyone would be in identical leotards throughout every ballet. Looking back, I realize this was not my most sophisticated thought, but this is what happens when your only point of reference is SBTB. I also can't stop time by saying "Timeout" which is another thing I found out the hard way. So although there are some leotards, there's a lot more variety than that.

Now onto the actual ballet. The first thing that will piss you off at the ballet (at least this performance) was that the ballerinas were mouthing words but not saying anything. If you are going to mouth things, you might as well just say it, because we have the technology for people to be heard. Either do a better job of acting, or just say that you want to punch your sister in the throat. 

The plot starts with a party where all these greedy kids want presents. They don't get presents for a while, until a magician comes along. The reason I believe he is a magician is that he wore a cape with lining on the inside that looked like a quilt. He didn't do any magic, but he did give presents from a giant treasure chest. Not only did his presents suck (half of them were just giant candy canes), but he only gave presents to like 40% of the kids. What an asshole.

Finally, he gives this girl a Nutcracker. Yep, that is another shitty present, but she's excited, so maybe she has some form of mental retardation. Immediately, two other kids break the thing. It gets fixed really poorly by The Magician, and then without explanation, it shows up again, and it's back to normal. 

The girl then dances around rat children for a while for no apparent reason. Then she puts her nutcracker in a magic shed, and he turns into a human-sized nutcracker, which is goddamned terrifying. Seriously, imagine this thing as a human coming at you:

Fuck that. There is no toy in the world that looks more like a rapist than this one. So I'm thinking this thing needs to be killed, and luckily there is a Rat King out there who is pulling this girl in because I think he wants to eat her for strength. I'm still rooting for the Rat King, because he kind of reminds me of Master Splinter, and I will cheer for anything that will kill this life-sized Nutcracker. Rat King and Nuts (my nickname for Nutcracker) get in a sword fight and Rat King basically owns him. Nuts plays dead like a total bitch, and when Rat King turns his back, he stabs him in the back. So now the rat children who I assume to be a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nobody to teach them ways to kill Nuts, so they mourn and disappear forever.

Afterwards, Nuts turns into a regular human, and they dance around a lot until intermission.

A lot of things happened before intermission, which is good, because very little, and I mean practically nothing happens plot-wise in the second half of this. It's really just a bunch of dancing in the second half. I couldn't even make up a coherent plotline from the dancing, because it looked like someone with ADD decided to have a dance party, but no theme for the dance party, so people just take turns showing off their moves.

The highlight of the second half was this dude who kept almost hitting wrestling moves on his lady dance partner. He nearly nailed her with a piledriver, but chose not to. Then he had her up for the torture rack, but decided against it. Finally, as he went off stage, he had her up for a Razor's Edge, so I'll just assume that he put her through a table with that one, but it was too gruesome for the children in the audience to watch.

And then anywhere from one to eight people take turns dancing, and the crowd applauds everything. It's absolutely outrageous. If this were a basketball game, they would applaud every time someone dribbled without turning the ball over. Ballet crowds are extremely easy to please. 

And really, that's all that happened in the second half. Lots of dancing. Eventually, our nightmare ends when Nuts turns back into his original nutcracking form, and the ballerinas proceed to bow for a good five minutes. 

Although I would not recommend "The Nutcracker" to other men, I will say that the ballet and I have two things in common. We can be completely ridiculous, and chicks dig us. 

Now please stop calling me a Nancy Boy.

-Joe

P.S. To masculine up this post, here is a picture from @Si_Vault of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T:

I'm not sure what's most ridiculous: The weight belts? Hulk's socks? Mr. T's shoes? I'd probably go with the weight belts. That look definitely needs to come back.

What I Learned From Step Up 3

Recovering from a four day bender on Sunday, I decided I would watch a movie to help me waste a couple hours. It was 1:12 in the afternoon, and I noticed that Step Up 3 (Since I did not watch it in 3D, I will refer to it as Step Up 3 which Wikipedia has told me is totally acceptable) had started at 1:10. I decided that I could get into the movie and hope that those two minutes that I missed would never come back to haunt me. I will probably never see those two minutes, but I am really hoping that it is two minutes of a disclaimer noting that any person who tries to view this movie in an intelligent manner will probably have their head explode within ten minutes.

So yeah, this movie is awesome.

Within ten minutes I actually learned something about myself when one of the main characters called another main character BFAB. There was only about five seconds until they explained what BFAB meant, but I was so excited because I was 100% positive that it was going to be awesome. It did not disappoint as I learned that BFAB means Born From A Boombox. It was a revelation for me, as I too, am Born From A Boombox.

The next thing I learned is that as long as you are dancing, you can commit crime with reckless abandon. Occasionally people will get angry, but they won't actually do anything about it. In this movie, they destroyed people's property, vandalized city streets, and stole like it was the only way to get into Heaven. The worst thing that happened to them for these crimes is some old lady tried to spray them with a hose. If you committed a dance murder, the worst punishment that would happen is someone overcooking your steak at the neighborhood barbecue. I'm honestly not sure if the American Justice System has the power to prosecute Dance Crime.

When competing in a dance-off, always, and I mean ALWAYS, dance last. I'm not sure if the sabermetric community has researched this, but according to my analysis, you will win 100% of the time as long as you are the last to break out dance moves.

Speaking of dance-offs, does anyone know where and when the Midwest Regionals will be taking place this year? With the strategic use of dancing last, I'm pretty sure West Coast Dance could take out The Pirates and The Samurai in the World Dance Championships. If anybody has any information on this, let me know with a comment or on the Facebook page.

The last thing I learned is that large warehouses in downtown New York City are shockingly affordable. With my modest approximation, they had about a 20,000 square foot warehouse. There were six different studios for dancing, and a dance club on a lower floor. This does not include the living spaces where about 20 dancers lived, or the regular living spaces as well as an office to edit films. Now if they were running a successful dance club, maybe they were making money off that, but nobody worked there, and there was clearly no security because a rival dance group was able to come right in and get into a dance battle. So I think they just had a dance club so other people with no jobs would have a place to dance in the middle of the afternoon. None of these dancers had jobs, and when they finally got evicted, all the dancers were pissed despite living for free for years at this point. After looking at everything logically, I am nearly positive that a 20,000 square foot warehouse in downtown New York is about $500 a month. I don't know why people bitch about prices in NY, because that seems like a hell of a deal to me.

Step Up 3 is like the Fast and the Furious franchise, except they replaced racing for pink slips with dancing for warehouses. I highly recommend it.

-Joe

P.S. If you are a baseball nerd, you will love this article.