Outside of the WWE, there is no #Brand that I have more affection for than Natural Light. I have waxed poetically about Natural Light here, here, and here. Oh, and also here. And how could I forget here? And then there's here. That should do it...wait, here's one more (there are actually more where I dropped in compliments; these are just the most prominent posts).
I love Natural Light. Nearly all of the most fun times I have had in my life have had Natural Light prominently involved. Is it the best beer I've ever had? No, it's not. But it is the best beer to have. It's perfect in so many ways.
It falls in this beautiful area where it's cheap but the Hipsters really haven't attached themselves to it. Not only that, but it's always easy to call out posers when they try hate on Natural Light. I have had this exchange every time I have Natural Light.
Poser: Natural Light, ugh, I can't believe you can drink this stuff.
Me: It's awesome beer, why is that so hard to believe?
Poser: It tastes like shit.
Me: Natural Light barely tastes like anything. You've never had Natural Light, have you?
Poser: Uh...
Me: Yep, that's what I thought.
AND SCENE.
Also, Natural Light is a great way to make friends. Good, salt of the Earth people have gone through some weekends of pounding back some Natural Lights. They may have lost their way as the years went on, but they are always excited to see a guy going to a backyard BBQ or Rose Bowl with 12 Nattys by his side.
Finally, I've mentioned this before (probably numerous times), but nothing bad happens when you drink Natty Light. You can have 1, you can have 10, you can have 100, and you can only reach a safe level of drunkeness that keeps you fully aware of the good times with the ability to impress the ladies.
I love Natural Light, and I want Natural Light to love me. I know that the good people at Natty Light Headquarters can't send me 30 packs as a gift, but I know they have swag. Sweet, sweet swag. Maybe a t-shirt, maybe a hat, or maybe a gi (which would be THE coolest thing ever), but come on Natty Light representative, show me some love. Hit me up on Twitter (@HottJoe) or by email (uncensoredwriting@gmail.com), as I have already pledge my allegiance but want to walk proudly in swag to let everyone know that I'm ALL NATURAL...Light.
Since the Rose Bowl was the last game, come to think of it, only game I attended this college football season, I was left with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. Luckily, I had one last chance to watch college football players compete against each other as the East-West Shrine Game was just down the road from where I live at Tropicana Field.
Now, this is not the Senior Bowl, which has a ton of the top Senior talent from all around the nation and some likely first round picks. This is a leftovers game, but that doesn't mean there weren't some intriguing guys on the field. The most notable name was probably Keenan Reynolds, who set the all-time NCAA touchdown record, but he didn't play. I would guess the next most notable name was Vernon Adams, Jr., quarterback of Oregon this past season. Still, the guys I was most interested in seeing were Iowa safety, Jordan Lomax, and former Iowa quarterback (with his final season at Michigan), Jake Rudock.
Overall, I would say that Lomax looked solid, as he made a few tackles and seemed to do well in coverage. There are a lot of rules to simplify things in these All-Star games, so there isn't a ton of room for a safety to stand out outside of being in a good position for a quarterback's mistake. Lomax is a guy who is going to have to shine on special teams to get a shot at the next level, but he has the tools necessary to succeed there.
As for Rudock, well, uh, it was not great. He technically lead the East to all of their scores, as they had an interception that put them deep in the West's territory that ended in a field goal, and he was still the active quarterback when the defense got an interception that they returned for a touchdown. He is going to be accurate, but he just doesn't have the arm strength to be a viable candidate to be a professional quarterback at the next level. He was a Pre-Med Major; he's a former college quarterback; I think he's going to be fine.
But the star quarterback, and really, the star of the game was Vernon Adams Jr. I'll admit that the only game I really focused on from Oregon this year was when they got beaten badly by Michigan State, a game that Adams was not 100%. He was definitely 100% for this game, as he straight tore things up on the field. Adams is an interesting prospect, as he is very athletic, but relatively small for a quarterback, standing just 6'0" tall. In this game, he showed abilities to make plays from the pocket, and definitely showed that he knows how to move around and make plays as well. His 93 yard touchdown pass will get the most highlights, but it wasn't his best play, as he did a good job of avoiding the rush before finding a guy that was wide open. It was much more impressive to see him scan the field from the pocket and find the open man in the rhythm of the play.
In an All-Star game, it's tough to stand out if you're not a skill position guy, and I'll admit that I was only focusing on the big aspects of the game as opposed to trying to breakdown the footwork of offensive linemen, so Adams was really the only guy who seemed to stand out. Brandon Doughty was getting some buzz, but he failed to impress when he took the reins of the offense. Joel Stave performed exactly how you would expect Joel Stave to perform.
More importantly than what happened on the field was what was happening off the field. CLOWNS. Lots and lots of clowns. I've never been a big clown guy, but I gotta admit it; these clowns added a lot to my entertainment. I mean, sure, they did some clown stuff for entertainment, but even more fascinating was when they were just a bunch of dudes hanging out in full clown gear. One guy even had on a football costume with shoulderpads and a football on a string that he would use to trick people. Does he use that year round, or is this his only time of year to shine (or Shrine, if you prefer)? Anyway, I would love it if football got rid of cheerleaders and replaced them with an army of clowns. There is no way that ends badly.
The East-West Shrine Game is not the Senior Bowl, but it's got $15 General Admission tickets, and there are worse ways to spend a Saturday evening, especially if you can convince your wife to count it as a date night.
So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.
The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).
After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.
We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.
Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.
Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.
Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.
After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.
It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.
This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.
I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.
When Iowa made the Rose Bowl this year, I planned on finding a way to go. Then I saw that tickets were nearly $700, and I quickly decided that I could watch the game from a television and get enough of the experience. Then, about two weeks before the game, ticket prices dropped, and I told my wife that I would be ditching her on New Year's Eve to fly across the country so I could attend the game. Oh, and then I asked her if she could drive me 2.5 hours from her sister's place to DC, so I could catch a flight out there.
I got out late on New Year's Eve and plans to party with fancy people in downtown LA quickly changed to partying at a dive bar. Before I could head down there, a buddy of mine from the LA crew came back to his house (where I was staying) and said he was feeling sick and that it was going to be coming out of both ends. He then walked about three steps, and started projectile vomiting a comical amount of puke over and over again. As he was bent over getting everything out of his system, my Lyft ride came, so I patted him on the back, told him good luck, and headed to the bar to talk shit to my buddies.
My buddies were shockingly hanging out with members of the opposite sex, and the ladies found my shit-talk super charming (they repeatedly referred to me as an asshole), and I could tell that they were disappointed when they saw a ring on my finger. After dashing those girls' hopes of hooking up with a certified G and a bonafide stud, it was about 12:30, which meant it was time for this old dog to head home and get ready for an early morning.
I naturally woke up at 5:00 AM and could not go back to sleep, because it was the ROSE BOWL. Still, nobody else quite shared my enthusiasm, so I took my time pooping before I got bored and had to start playing Psychostick's chart-topping hit, "Beer!"
There is no better song to get ready for the day, and it did get them and their vomit-soaked bodies moving, although still slower than I would have preferred. Still, we were able to get an Uber up there before 8:00 AM.
This is where things got interesting. One guy brought up staying sober and watching the parade. I thought he was joking. Then another guy said that he'd like to do that too, and I knew that these jokers were serious. There was no way I was going to waste anymore time to watch giant balloons float around while possibly getting free candy (I'm an adult). So, although I may have ditched three friends, I was still rolling deep with a dozen of my best friends, 12 cans of Natural Light.
After knocking back a beer and receiving a half dozen compliments on my beer choice, I decided to do something that I do not ever endorse, and that is fire up Facebook. I knew my good friends were still hours away, but maybe I knew some other Hawkeye fans in the vicinity. Sure enough, I had a buddy that I worked with in Seattle that I hadn't seen in years that I saw was in the area. I went to meet up with him, and on the way, ran into an aunt and uncle that I had no clue were going to be there. It was a great way to spend a couple hours. And the moral of that story is if you drink Natural Light by yourself on a beautiful day, good things will happen (God, I want to be the spokesperson for Natural Light more than anything in this world).
Anyway, then I met up with my lazy buddies and had a totally uneventful time as I finished off my 12 pack before we headed into the game. Now, at 12 beers deep, I'm feeling good. I'm talkative but always friendly. I was having amicable conversations with a variety of Stanford fans, even getting a sweet treat from some ladies; was it for being the sexiest fan in attendance? Well, they didn't specify that it wasn't.
As I said, all of my conversations were amicable, but that doesn't mean I wasn't talking some shit while waiting in line. There were a few black people willing to go back and forth with me (white people aren't confident enough to go toe to toe with my wit) about their evil Stanford Cardinal and my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes. It ended with me saying that I was going to find where they were sitting, come down, snuggle right in between them and let them know how great the Iowa Hawkeyes are. They were getting a good chuckle out of it and said they hoped to see me later.
As I entered the stadium, I'll admit, I was a little in awe. It wasn't logical to be in awe, but my love of the Rose Bowl was already solidly built on my desire to be there. For me, the Rose Bowl was like a kid going to Disneyland. The familiar sights and past stories made it the happiest place on Earth before I even set a foot inside of it. Maybe it's not the most up to date, amazing place in all areas, but my admiration of the entire place was going to cover up any warts that existed. If you asked me to describe it, I could tell you that the concourses were open and the sight lines were good. Outside of that, I'd really just say that you have to be there to experience it.
We got to our seats that were in the corner of an endzone in the 22nd row, and it also had a cement barricade right in front of us which was perfect for setting down our drinks. It gave us a great view of everything and would allow us to see plays develop.
So this is the part where I need to talk about the game, don't I? Shit. Well, before the game, I read a breakdown from SmartFootball of a HB Option play for McCaffery that went over how difficult it is for defenses in man coverage to handle. I wasn't concerned, because Iowa usually zones their linebackers, so they at least shouldn't be susceptible to that. Of course, Iowa played man on the first snap of the game, Stanford called that EXACT play, and Christian McCaffery used deceptive speed (because he's white) to roll into the endzone without a Hawkeye even threatening to touch him.
As Stanford fans jumped around in front of me, I saw some familiar faces just three rows in front of me. That's right; it was the people I was talking shit to. Some would call that karma, and they would probably be correct, but they started pointing up at me, and I assured them that I still planned on snuggling up next to them to celebrate as Iowa was beating Stanford in the second half.
Then Stanford scored again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And I continued to talk shit the ENTIRE TIME. I continued to tell them that they were going to have to make room for me, so I could educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes. I'm an incredibly optimistic person when I have 12 Natural Lights in me, so I figured, hey, if Stanford can score 35 points in a half, there's no reason Iowa can't as well. I was still screaming about how Iowa was just playing with Stanford when Tom Arnold came on the Jumbotron, and nearly said what I was saying verbatim. It was the first sign that maybe I had been drinking too much.
And then Stanford scored again, but this time it was only a field goal, so...victory?
It got near the end of the 3rd quarter where Iowa cut the lead to 38-3, and I decided it was time to take my medicine. I promised those Stanford fans that I would be snuggling right in between them and educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes, and that's exactly what I did. When I snuck up and sat down between them, their faces went from shock to uproarious laughter as I told them I was a man of my word and that I still believed the Hawkeyes had the game in the bag. I picked a great time to sit down there, as shortly after that, CJB threw a deep ball to Matt VandeBerg for Iowa's first touchdown. Oh man, did I shove that right in their highly educated and successful faces. Then Koehn missed the extra point, because of course he did. After that, the Stanford fans got pictures with the smartest/coolest/sexiest guy (I'm talking about me) there, and I took the long journey (three rows up) back to my regular seats.
Iowa and Stanford each added touchdowns to make the final score 45-16 (Iowa won the second half 16-10, NO BIG DEAL). Iowa had their worst game of the year and got their asses handed to them, but it was still a great experience.
How did I stay so positive throughout the entire game? Maybe it's because now that I'm an adult I have a little perspective on things and realized that it's just a football game. But that seems unlikely, because I still scream at my television during Iowa sporting events like a lunatic. No, it was something bigger than that. No matter the outcome, Iowa was finally playing in the Rose Bowl.
The Rose Bowl.
To most people, it's just a stadium, but in this kid's eyes, it's Disneyland, and it's hard to be sad when you're at the happiest place on Earth.
