Running Is Dumb

After a two-week hiatus due to the flu, I got back to running this past Saturday. The bad news is that running is dumb. The good news is that I am an idiot, and hoo boy, was I stupid on this run.

I never really set out a definite path or length for my runs, because I like to live my life with freedom and adventure (America!). This can lead to shorter runs, because during my run, I realize how stupid running is, or it can lead to longer runs, where my stupidity outweighs the stupidity of running, and I just keep going. My run was the latter.

It started out quite peacefully, temperature in the mid-50s, a little bit of wind, but nothing excessive. So I just strolled along. The one thing I do decide before my run is pick my music. It's usually happy music, rap from the late 90s early 00s, or heavy metal/Ultimate Warrior Inspirational speeches. Today was happy music, so I was at peace as I got my run on.

Things were going smooth for me early on in the run. I took a road with no sidewalks, but since it was early in the morning, cars were good about giving me my required three feet of space as they drove by. At about mile four, I saw this 50 year old dude running the other way across the street, and he was going at a good pace. Good for him, I thought, as I gave a friendly wave as we went our separate ways. Shortly thereafter, I heard a bike coming up from behind me so I got to the side as it got on my ass pretty quickly. Then, it turned out that it was just the 50 year old speed demon passing me by. This was the fastest human being alive. I am convinced he is like an Albino Kenyan. I have kept up with most people riding bikes better than I was able to keep up with him. He also had a jacket tied around his waist, and as he got further away, it had the effect of making him look like a superhero. I tried to pick up my pace, but I'm not sure if my Ford Escort could have kept up with him. To top it all off, we chatted a little as he flew by me, which led to him asking me if I was Canadian. I have no idea why he thought I was Canadian. I don't think I look Canadian. I don't think I sound Canadian. My best guess is that he overheard me listening to Alanis Morissette on my run and figured I was doing it for national pride. So, I got passed like a bitch and accused of being Canadian. That is the definition of complete ownage.

When I get completely owned, I need to get revenge. Since I was physically unable to catch The Human Bullet, I decided that I would run further than he did. Sure, he was out of sight, so I have no idea how far he ran, but as long as my heart believes that I ran further than him, I would be fine. A light sprinkle started which actually felt quite nice. This would not feel nice later on.

Like an idiot, I ran...and ran....and ran. The road was new to me, so I got distracted by the pretty trees with their leaves changing colors and the houses I had never seen before. My IQ drops to mentally handicapped when I run, so everything about the world turns truly wondrous for me.

As I entered my third town from my run, I thought, "Cool, let's keep running." I should have thought, "Probably time to head back." But I kept running. Then the road I was on ended, which was another sign to head back, but I saw the Interstate in the distance, so I decided to run on the shoulder of a highway as cars zipped by me. This was not concerning at all, because I was in my mental retardation state, so I was just thinking, "Wow, cars go VROOOM!"

I finally cross under the interstate and decide it is time to head home. My happiness subsides, and I realize that this is not going to be fun. The rain is no longer a sprinkle, as it is coming down pretty hard. About a mile into my adventure on the way back, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" gets me way too pumped. Because it's raining. And I'm running really hard, so it is like my feet are on fire. So I'm basically living the song out. And that's not feminine at all, it is totally badass, so I stand by rocking out to Adele.

I'm about halfway back, and it is absolutely pouring. A car pulls over to the side of the road, maybe because they are worried about my well-being. No, they just need directions. I barely know where I am, but I take their map and figure out where they need to go. I am proud of this good deed on my part, but I'm pretty sure they never found the place as they ignored my first direction of, "Turn around."

And on I went. I was completely drenched. I had to stuff my iPod down my underwear to try to save it from the rain. I consistently stepped in puddles filling my shoes with their own tiny, little puddles. Hills were nearly unbearable as I could barely lift my legs high enough to keep moving forward. And there was not enough Adele in the world to keep me pumped. Basically, it sucked.

After 17 miles, I finally stumbled home. I drank a glass of water and ate a banana in about 15 seconds. I then peeled off my clothes, which I think weighed about 10 pounds with all of the water weight, and took a hot shower. I then bundled up, covered myself with two blankets and shivered for the next half hour as I watched a wedding show, as I was too cold to change the channel.

Running is dumb. Don't ever do it...I wonder where I'll run next week.

This Avion Commercial Makes No Sense

So, I keep seeing this Avion commercial on TV, and I cannot figure it out. It is, quite possibly, the dumbest commercial ever made. I know it doesn't hit you over the head with stupidity like some commercials do, but if you actually watch it carefully, you will realize that there is no discernible plot or motivation in these characters. Just check out the commercial, and then I will break it down below:

:01 - Man opens door to reveal sexy lady who is dressed in all leather. Man is at a loss for words, but we do get the impression that these two are dating as he calls her, "Honey."

:11 - She tells him to sit and he obeys. Honestly, sitting is way more comfortable than standing, so this is a pretty easy direction for him to follow. It only qualifies as slightly more of a command than, "Eat this steak." Also, it appears that he sits down on a leather chair which means there is no way he could have his arms tied to the chair. This will become important later.

:15 - She puts on gloves. I don't know why she couldn't have put on the gloves before she got there, but whatever.

:19 - Dude is starting to get nervous now that her gloves are on as he asks her, "Do we need a safe word?" She shushes him, even though he asked a very reasonable question at a reasonable volume.

:21 - Okay, this is where it gets weird. There are somehow lit candles all over this guy's apartment. I really don't know any guys who light candles, but this guy had a ton of them. Even more inexplicable is she just starts dumping candle wax on the floor. That is going to be a pain in the ass to clean up. What is your end game, woman?

:23 - She blindfolds him. She never actually ties him down, but she does blindfold him. At no point does he think to reach his arms up and take off the blindfold.

:30 - She has two glasses filled with ice, but only pours Avion into one of the glasses. Why did you put ice in both glasses? You are the least efficient human being ever.

:35 - He smells the drink and realizes that it is Avion. He should probably ask her to get him a glass or at least take off the blindfold and do it himself.

:40 - She takes off his blindfold and drinks the Avion. The dude sits there dumbfounded. I'm not sure why, but I am guessing that she is a recovering alcoholic who just got her token for a year of sobriety. At least that would make sense.

:50 - She leaves some of the Avion in the glass. Finish your drink, woman.

:54 - She leaves, saying, "That'll do for now." Um, I'm just going to let Matthew Kennedy Gould express my feelings here.

So, quick summary. Some dude's girlfriend spends a lot of time to get all dolled up in her sexy leather outfit, so she can blindfold her boyfriend, pour wax on his floor, drink a little bit of tequila and leave. That doesn't make any sense. It would have been way smarter for her to go to a bar and have some, or even go to the local liquor store and buy her own bottle. It probably cost her a decent chunk of change driving to her boyfriend's place, because, let's face it, no girl dressed like that is taking public transportation. It'd be even worse if she had to pay for a cab.

I don't even know who they are trying to sell this product to. Are they trying to sell this product? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that both of the characters are mentally handicapped, and although that would be a really progressive commercial, I doubt that Avion is trying to become The official Tequila of the Mentally Handicapped. 


My brain hurts. If anyone from Avion could contact me about this, that would be greatly appreciated. 

I Don't Care To Watch You Watch Sports

I really thought we were past this.  I enjoy watching sports more than most people.  I usually try to stay reserved, but if you put me with the right group of people, and give me the right chemical imbalance then I can really get into games.  Yelling at sporting events is a good way to let off some steam, even though it sometimes feels as if your favorite team may give you a heart attack.  All in all, you could say that I love sports.  I love sports, but I don't love watching people watch sports.

This phenomenon seemed to become popular during the most recent World Cup.  Landon Donovan scored a goal to crush the mighty, global dominator known as Algeria.  With that goal, we crushed those impoverished pieces of shit, and it felt awesome.  Now look, I'll admit I was excited, and I don't fault anybody for yelling and screaming in joy when this happened.  Sports brings out emotions.  I have no problem with the event itself.

The problem I have is that people recorded people celebrating and put it on YouTube for people to...enjoy?  Yes, not just one person, but multiple people thought it would be fun to watch other people watch sporting events.  This is retarded in itself, but then you learn that there are people even more retarded who ACTUALLY enjoy watching other people watch sports.

I remember a buddy telling me how I needed to watch this awesome video of people watching the World Cup.  Luckily, there were a group of people so I was able to leave halfway through, but they sat there in total silence as they were amazed to see people hoot and holler at a television screen.

There's a lot of things out there that I don't like that I can at least understand how it could be entertaining for people.  Curling has no appeal to me, but if I stretch my brain, I can at least see some appeal for the precision and concentration it takes to be good at it.  With watching people watch sports, I have no idea what the appeal of it is.  My best guess is nostalgia, but people aren't watching their friends celebrate, they're watching strangers celebrate.  It's kind of creepy.

I thought that the World Cup would just be a short blip on our radar for this activity, but the NFL has now come out with commercials that feature people celebrating a big play by their team.  I spent a whole 90 seconds looking for one of the commercials and failed, but I'm sure you've seen them or can imagine what they look like. 

The final thing that bothers me about these videos is that somebody wastes their time recording other people celebrating.  They record a crowd celebrating instead of worrying about what is actually happening in the game.  Now they may just be a lonely guy who wants to pretend he has friends with these videos, and as sad as that is, he's still not as pathetic as the people who enjoy them.

-Joe

P.S.  Since today's post was about sports, here's two excellent profiles of NFL prospects.  The first is of Torrey Smith, a wide receiver out of Maryland.  And the second one is of Jake Locker who I hope can read books better than football field, otherwise, he ain't graduating.

Silly Cyclones, Championships Are For Hawkeyes

Iowa State's Swim Team That Helped Them Win The Cy-Hawk Trophy

Yesterday, I found out that Iowa State had won the Hy-Vee Cy-Hawk Trophy. Congratulations Cyclones, you won a trophy nobody cares about. The Hy-Vee Cy-Hawk Trophy is an absolute joke as it gives credit to sports that nobody cares about.

It awards three points to football, and two points to ALL other sports. Let's face it, there are four sports that should count in the state of Iowa, football, basketball, wrestling, and baseball. Otherwise, nobody gives a shit. Hence, I am creating the Hott Joe Iowa Domination Trophy that only includes the four major sports. Let's go over the results:

Football - Iowa 35, Iowa State 3
An absolute beatdown, highlighted by this man:


Score - Hawkeyes 2, Cyclones 0

Men's Basketball - Iowa State 81, Iowa 71
Nice job, Cyclones, you beat a team that plays John Lickliter, but you still couldn't beat the spread. What pussies.

Score - Hawkeyes 2, Cyclones 1

Wrestling - This is where things get interesting as Iowa has beaten Iowa State not once, but twice already this season by scores of 18-16 and 19-12 (They sound close only because Iowa did not have some of their starters during those meets). Not only did they win these two dual meets, but they also dominated the Midlands Tournament that Iowa State participated in. That is three beatdowns of the Cyclones so far this year, and let's face it, another one is coming at the NCAA Tournament, because the Hawkeyes are going to win another National Championship. I'll give them that point too since it's a foregone conclusion.

Score - Hawkeyes 6, Cyclones 1

Men's Baseball - Oh, that's right, Iowa State lost their program because of Title IX. Sounds like another one for the good guys.

Score - Hawkeyes 7, Cyclones 1

Not surprisingly, Iowa dominated, but even this domination is going to pale in comparison to what is about to happen to the Cyclones. With how shitty Iowa State is at everything, they really don't belong in a real conference like the Big 12. Once the Big Ten takes whatever team(s) they want, Iowa State will probably be forced to join the Missouri Valley Conference (MAC if they're lucky). I can't wait for the battle for ISU, Iowa State vs. Illinois State.

Damn it feels good to be a Hawkeye.

-Joe

P.S. I looked up Iowa Hawkeye Girls and Iowa State Cyclone Girls on Google Images. Most of the pictures for Iowa had tits prominently involved, most of the pictures for ISU had Iowa State's football team involved.