The 5 Worst Things About The First Episode of The OC

My wife and I are rewatching The OC together, because I enjoy her company, and it's good to have a show to watch as we fall asleep at 10:00 PM (double digits means it's time to get to sleep). Anyway, we just started, and man, The OC is really bad. It makes ZERO sense, in every way, shape, and form. But that's also what kind of makes it wonderful. Still, there were a few things that I needed to address as they are too stupid to be excusable. Here are the five worst things about the first episode.

5. Luke Is Not Subtle
Luke tries to hook up with a girl at a party that not only is his girlfriend present, but it's a party for her. He couldn't be more blatant about it. He grabbed her in the middle of the party and took her out to the beach, showing no wit, charm, or guile. And HE GOT AWAY WITH IT. Luke was the dogshit worst at the beginning of this show, but he turned into by far my favorite character, so I'm just going to chalk this up to a baller-ass Luke move. I can't hate this. Let's try again.

5b. Ryan Is Awful At Crime
The first episode starts with Ryan's brother stealing a car, and Ryan being apprehensive about getting in. He slows down everything and is just hanging outside the car as his brother tells him to hurry up and get in. Finally, he sees a cop car and decides, "Yep, NOW is the time I should get in the car." That is literally the worst time to hop in a stolen car. So he hops in the car and they run into a lightpole trying to avoid the cops.

4. Ryan Is The Worst
Let's review what Ryan does in the first episode. He hops in a stolen car when he sees police officers driving by which shows that he is a stupid criminal. Despite having the charm of a dead moth, Sandy Cohen takes him in to his house. Ryan immediately starts smoking cigarettes at the end of the driveway. Then the Cohens invite him to a fancy party, and this idiot immediately starts sneaking alcohol. What a dumbass. This guy could not behave for an hour straight, and still, he gets adopted by a super rich family because he was nice to Seth. They totally should have just adopted a black kid instead. Sandy could have gotten all the drama of bringing in an outsider with none of the drama, as that child couldn't have been any worse than Ryan. The only logical explanation is that Seth is racist and refused to have a black friend, but that kind of seems true of everyone from Newport Beach.

3. Summer Is The Worst Friend
Summer and some random girl dropped Marissa off at her house. Marissa was passed out, so they just left her on the front stoop. That is not a good friend. Like, Summer could have just let Marissa pass out at her house. Also, hot take here: In the first episode, Marissa is hotter than Summer. She's got the girl next door thing perfected. Now, don't get me wrong, Summer probably passed her by episode three, and neither of them could hold a candle to my girl, Taylor Townsend.

2. Luke's Beatdown
Ryan sucker punches Luke, which wasn't even a big enough event to make it on how awful of a person Ryan is, and Luke then beats him up, but the only good shot he got in was a kick to the gut. If Luke would have just smashed his face in, things probably would have worked out better for every single person on this show except for Ryan and maybe Seth. That is a sacrifice I think all of Newport would be willing to make.

1. Seth Drinks Beer
Seth goes to his first party, and he decides to hang out by the keg and drink beer. There is NO WAY Seth would drink beer. He would be treating himself to the fruitiest cocktails, and he would either make them way too stiff and make an ass out of himself or he would make them with the tiniest amount of alcohol and pretend to be drunk. Either way it'd be an embarrassment and not involve any Natural Light.

Also, I could probably do this with every episode of The OC, but I can't put the world through that. I'm like six episodes in, and Jimmy Cooper lost $4 million, Sandy starts playing video games, Kirsten got demoted, Marissa and Luke broke up like six times and apparently lose their virginity to each other, Ryan burned down a house, Grandpa Caleb's 23 year-old girlfriend tries to have sex with Ryan...oh, and Luke gets shot. That is what I could come up with during one minute of thinking. I doubt it's half of the ridiculous shit that took place.

God bless this awful show.

Lexus Owners Are Awful Parents

As I was catching up on The Millionaire Matchmaker (don't judge me), I saw a commercial that really irritated me.  I've seen it about 150 times, so I'm sure you've seen it too.  A Dad brings his daughter to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree.  Here is the commercial for any of you who are not familiar with this abomination.

So there they are, at the tree farm, and this little girl is desperate for a Christmas tree.  She keeps asking if they can get this one, or that one, or the other one.  When I first saw this, I thought this Dad was going to be awesome and get her a really kickass Christmas tree.  I was overcome with sadness when this exchange happens:

Little Girl:  This one?
Asshole Dad:  Still not big enough.
Little Girl;  But it's the biggest one here.

Then, we jump forward and realize that he did not purchase a Christmas tree, but instead bought his wife a Lexus.  Think about this for a second.  This piece of shit father dragged his little girl to the Christmas Tree farm in the middle of winter, made her freeze her ass off, because she was under the impression that her prick of a Dad would actually get her a fucking Christmas tree.  But no, he just taunts his daughter every time she sees a tree that she wants.  Seriously, look at how sad she is:

What a dick.  He could probably make it up to his daughter if he got her an awesome Christmas present, but he decides against that.  Instead, he uses the money he saved on not purchasing a Christmas tree or anything for his daughter so he can get a Lexus for his wife.  He probably still could have gotten his daughter some decent presents, but he decided to buy lights for his wife to decorate, and an ridiculously large bow for the Lexus. 

So congratulations you awful pieces of shit.  You may have a new Lexus in the family, but child services will be taking away your child within the week.

They gained a car and lost a daughter.  Come to think of it, these Lexus owners might be onto something.  Like they always say, assholes finish first.

-Joe

P.S.  Things that pissed me off about this commercial that I was unable to work into this post:
1.  They already had a goddamned Christmas tree growing in their yard.
2.  His wife was decorating with lights on Christmas morning.  It's a little late for that, you Lexus driving piece of shit.

P.P.S.  The Space Jam website is still in tact from 1996, and it is AWESOME.