A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kevin Greene's Wrestling Career

WCW was all about star power in the mid-to-late 90s, and legitimate athletes were often the objects of their desire. Kevin Greene was a guy who was in the right place at the right time to take advantage of this. Greene was one of the coolest players in the NFL during his prime. Him and Greg Lloyd were probably the coolest outside linebacker duo of the last 25 years. WCW was hoping that his persona would carry over from the gridiron to the pro wrestling ring. I would say it had mixed results.

For the positives, let's get one thing out of the way: It was awesome to be Kevin Greene. It's kind of amazing how much money he was able to make in WCW. From 1996-mid 2000, Kevin Greene was the 26th highest paid wrestler, and he only wrestled FIVE TIMES from 1996-1998. Bill Goldberg was the hottest wrestler WCW had in 1998, and Kevin Greene made more money than him that year. Throughout that five year span, Greene made more than Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko. It was a really great time to be Kevin Greene. But let's not just focus on the money. Let's focus on what the impact he had on WCW.

Greene's first feud was teaming up with another footballer in Steve "Mongo" McMichael. Mongo had beef with The Four Horsemen, especially Ric Flair, because Flair kept trying to fuck Mongo's wife, and this was despite the fact that he already had two girlfriends. It was really great. She would turn him down week after week, and Flair would just continue to hit on her in every town, because apparently she traveled the country to watch her husband announce wrestling. Even Arn Anderson had to compliment Flair on his ability to get every woman he ever desired. Finally, Mongo got fed up and decided he was going to fight Flair and Arn Anderson. He needed a partner, and since he had no experience in wrestling, he decided to find another guy with zero experience in wrestling and tag up with Kevin Greene.

Kevin Greene was very adamant that Ric Flair and Arn Anderson remember their jock straps and mouthguards, because it's gonna be an all-day affair (and safety first).

Let me warn you about this training video. There is gay pornography that is not as homoerotic as this workout video.

Let's just focus on the quotes from this masterpiece:

"We're coming hard all day long."
"He's pulling that thing like he's gonna pull your head off."
"It's yours, Mongo. Pull it in there, baby."

Now, that is how you do a workout video right. So Kevin Greene's wrestling career is off to a resounding start before he's even had his first match.

Which is good, because this workout video is one of the highlights of his career. His first match didn't go so well for him as Mongo took a briefcase full of cash, hit Greene over the head with it and joined The Four Horsemen. Greene had been played by the dirtiest player in the game, and it was clear that Kevin Greene would forever remain enemies with The Four Horsemen.

He tagged with Flair in his next match. Yes. those two teamed up with Roddy Piper to take on Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Syxx. Now it was nearly a year later (something called the Carolina Panthers got in the way), and Greene said that he didn't trust him, but his love of Roddy Piper, despite admitting to be a Hulkamaniac as a child, apparently also loved Hulk's arch nemesis. Somehow, they won, because WCW for some reason decided that Piper, well past his prime, was an unstoppable force that must never take a loss. It was a really weird time.

A month later, Greene got his revenge when he took on Steve McMichael. If you ever wanted to watch two football players take their shot in a wrestling ring, well, you'd have some other options outside of this one as Mongo also took on Reggie White later on, but this was one of the best. It was obviously not good, but Greene did get the win.

Then football season got in the way again, and it was another year before he got his final feud in WCW. Since a year had passed, he was basically an honorary member of the Four Horsemen at this point, just hanging with his best bud, Mongo, and all of his friends who helped to completely screw him over in his first wrestling match. Still, it was his biggest feud yet, literally, as he squared off against The Giant.

The actual match only lasts about a minute, but it still manages to be a pretty impressive shitshow. Somehow Kevin Greene does not get disqualified for a blatant low blow, but The Giant does get disqualified for the nWo interfering in the match. But before all that happened, my favorite Kevin Greene moment of his career happened.

This is the gif for that feeling when you're about to have sex for the first time and her Dad comes home.

A couple weeks later, The Giant got his revenge and defeated Kevin Greene at Bash at the Beach. During that offseason, NFL teams put in a "No Wrestling" clause into Greene's contract and effectively ended his career.

Was Kevin Greene a great wrestler? No. He wasn't a good, or even average wrestler, but he had a lot of energy, and the main got paid. I mean, he was basically a super successful version of Mojo Rawley, and that ain't too bad for a part-time gig. Sure, wrestling fans probably won't look back on his career fondly, but if I were Greene, I'd be pretty damn pleased with myself. He went into another sport, had fun while doing it, and got paid. We should all be so lucky.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the nWo's Parody of the Four Horsemen - My Spot

The nWo was influential for many reasons. They were bad guys that got cheered. They were self-aware wrestlers which was not a thing back then. And they also created impersonations of other wrestlers. Now I'm not talking about the Fake Sting impersonation where they try to pass it off as real, but impersonations where everybody knows that they are fakes and are mocking their rivals. As the saying goes, "You always remember your first time," and the first time the nWo mocked another group will always stand out as the best, as they did an impeccable job of mocking The Four Horsemen. Let's get to the actors involved:

Every great comedy bit needs a straight man, Mean Gene Okerlund plays himself as the straight man.

He is essential in this role, as it would be easy to be fooled by the nWo impersonators who look so much like their Four Horsemen counterparts. Also, they actually got Mongo to play himself, so that added credibility to everything.

Look closer. Do you see it? I tricked you. That is actually Konnan playing the role of Steve "Mongo" McMichael. The resemblance is uncanny. I mean, he's even got a football, but trust me, that is not a former Super Bowl Champion, it's a Mexican Gangster who wants you toss his salad and peel his potatoes.

Next up, we have Syxx playing the role of Ric Flair.

He nailed the hair, but keeping the goatee is a dead giveaway that this is not The Nature Boy. Still, he was kind of ahead of his time in his impersonation, as he "Woos" every other word, which became a signature of 60-year-old senile Flair.

Playing the role of Curt Hennig is Buff Bagwell, who I have deemed Buff Perfect.

He's got a ponytail (not seen but trust me, it's there), a towel, and gum, so yeah, I'd say he nailed it.

And finally, there is Arn Anderson, played by Kevin Nash.

Nash really commits to the role with a bald cap and balding wig, a pillow under his shirt, and a cooler full of beer to truly embody what Arn Anderson had become. He commits to the role, and that deserves credit.

But this entire skit depends on the "spot." It is the word that ties everything together, and Buff Perfect gets to that point very early on.

Syxx Flair didn't mean to put him on the spot, and there was no way that wouldn't remind Buff of his dog spot. This is only the slow build for what is coming later.

They then bring out Arn Nash, and he tells them the beer is on ice. There is nothing more important to a Horsemen than cold beer, and Syxx Flair reacts appropriately.

Arn Nash then makes a failed joke about labor before going into his accomplishments as a wrestler.

I laugh at the carpentry skills line every time. Then Nash got back into the real issues he is having, and how he lost the feeling in his left hand, the importance, of course, being that the left hand was the hand he used to open beer. A Horseman who can't drink is a Horseman who can't party, and that really means he isn't a Horseman at all.

Arn Nash then starts talking about fat broads, which to 13-year-old me was hilarious, but looking back, does not quite hit the same notes it did. So thanks a lot maturity and respect for all people, you've made me a better person but made things from my childhood less funny.

They get back to their comedic wheelhouse and close it by talking about spots.

"Not a liver spot, not your dog spot, and not anybody else's spot, but MY spot." After watching this nearly 20 years later, my list of the best things about this have changed from my 13-year-old perspective. Here are the top three things.

3. Everything involving the word spot.
Some jokes never get old, and I still enjoy this. I mean, yeah, I understand Arn Anderson's spot is important, but if they have to give out specific spots, that means that somebody took Paul Roma's spot. That person was definitely Mongo but still.

2. It would be an honor.
After Nash goes through his big diatribe about a spot, Buff Perfect tells them how terrible the Four Horsemen are, and then gives an over the top, "It would be an honor." I wish that this moment was more relevant as I would use it to respond to any request that somebody gave me.

1. Konnan as Mongo
There is nothing more perfect than this.

nWo 4 Life.

Ric Flair's Two Girlfriends

The mid-90s were a great time for pro wrestling. It's when the nWo was formed, WCW started acquiring all the best wrestling talent from around the world, and the WWE had...well, it took a while for the WWE, late 90s was more their jam, but they did give us Sunny, who was probably the most jerked-off-to woman of that era...I'm just guessing. Anyway, one of my favorite angles from this era was Ric Flair's two girlfriends.

When Ric Flair reformed the Horsemen, he knew he needed some arm candy, so he recruited Woman to help manage the crew. But one Woman was not enough. Flair began a feud with Randy Savage, where Miss Elizabeth made her return to help out The Macho Man. Or so we thought. It turned out that Miss Elizabeth was actually working for Ric Flair. Ric Flair now not only had one girlfriend to help him out, he now had two girlfriends.

Ric Flair would randomly wander out during the middle of a match on Nitro with a lady on each arm. He set up a VIP section with fine food and champagne that he would take both Woman and Miss Elizabeth to. This whole angle was the fact that Ric Flair was so rich and such a great lover that he could handle two women, and they were both happy to be with him. Not only that, but Miss Elizabeth paid for everything with Macho Man's money.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, two women, there is no way he would pursue a third woman." Haha, maybe you wouldn't pursue a third woman, but if you're spending your time reading this, you are certainly no Nature Boy. While he was with these women, he was also working on seducing Steve "Mongo" McMichael's wife, Debra, and the ladies were also cool with that. Nature Boy gonna Naitch, and the ladies knew what they were getting into.

Basically, the whole point of this post is to remind you that Ric Flair's entire gimmick was that he was a rich guy who was really good at fucking. God bless you, Ric Flair.