Monday, August 8, 2016

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kevin Greene's Wrestling Career

WCW was all about star power in the mid-to-late 90s, and legitimate athletes were often the objects of their desire. Kevin Greene was a guy who was in the right place at the right time to take advantage of this. Greene was one of the coolest players in the NFL during his prime. Him and Greg Lloyd were probably the coolest outside linebacker duo of the last 25 years. WCW was hoping that his persona would carry over from the gridiron to the pro wrestling ring. I would say it had mixed results.

For the positives, let's get one thing out of the way: It was awesome to be Kevin Greene. It's kind of amazing how much money he was able to make in WCW. From 1996-mid 2000, Kevin Greene was the 26th highest paid wrestler, and he only wrestled FIVE TIMES from 1996-1998. Bill Goldberg was the hottest wrestler WCW had in 1998, and Kevin Greene made more money than him that year. Throughout that five year span, Greene made more than Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko. It was a really great time to be Kevin Greene. But let's not just focus on the money. Let's focus on what the impact he had on WCW.

Greene's first feud was teaming up with another footballer in Steve "Mongo" McMichael. Mongo had beef with The Four Horsemen, especially Ric Flair, because Flair kept trying to fuck Mongo's wife, and this was despite the fact that he already had two girlfriends. It was really great. She would turn him down week after week, and Flair would just continue to hit on her in every town, because apparently she traveled the country to watch her husband announce wrestling. Even Arn Anderson had to compliment Flair on his ability to get every woman he ever desired. Finally, Mongo got fed up and decided he was going to fight Flair and Arn Anderson. He needed a partner, and since he had no experience in wrestling, he decided to find another guy with zero experience in wrestling and tag up with Kevin Greene.

Kevin Greene was very adamant that Ric Flair and Arn Anderson remember their jock straps and mouthguards, because it's gonna be an all-day affair (and safety first).

Let me warn you about this training video. There is gay pornography that is not as homoerotic as this workout video.

Let's just focus on the quotes from this masterpiece:

"We're coming hard all day long."
"He's pulling that thing like he's gonna pull your head off."
"It's yours, Mongo. Pull it in there, baby."

Now, that is how you do a workout video right. So Kevin Greene's wrestling career is off to a resounding start before he's even had his first match.

Which is good, because this workout video is one of the highlights of his career. His first match didn't go so well for him as Mongo took a briefcase full of cash, hit Greene over the head with it and joined The Four Horsemen. Greene had been played by the dirtiest player in the game, and it was clear that Kevin Greene would forever remain enemies with The Four Horsemen.

He tagged with Flair in his next match. Yes. those two teamed up with Roddy Piper to take on Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Syxx. Now it was nearly a year later (something called the Carolina Panthers got in the way), and Greene said that he didn't trust him, but his love of Roddy Piper, despite admitting to be a Hulkamaniac as a child, apparently also loved Hulk's arch nemesis. Somehow, they won, because WCW for some reason decided that Piper, well past his prime, was an unstoppable force that must never take a loss. It was a really weird time.

A month later, Greene got his revenge when he took on Steve McMichael. If you ever wanted to watch two football players take their shot in a wrestling ring, well, you'd have some other options outside of this one as Mongo also took on Reggie White later on, but this was one of the best. It was obviously not good, but Greene did get the win.

Then football season got in the way again, and it was another year before he got his final feud in WCW. Since a year had passed, he was basically an honorary member of the Four Horsemen at this point, just hanging with his best bud, Mongo, and all of his friends who helped to completely screw him over in his first wrestling match. Still, it was his biggest feud yet, literally, as he squared off against The Giant.

The actual match only lasts about a minute, but it still manages to be a pretty impressive shitshow. Somehow Kevin Greene does not get disqualified for a blatant low blow, but The Giant does get disqualified for the nWo interfering in the match. But before all that happened, my favorite Kevin Greene moment of his career happened.
This is the gif for that feeling when you're about to have sex for the first time and her Dad comes home.

A couple weeks later, The Giant got his revenge and defeated Kevin Greene at Bash at the Beach. During that offseason, NFL teams put in a "No Wrestling" clause into Greene's contract and effectively ended his career.

Was Kevin Greene a great wrestler? No. He wasn't a good, or even average wrestler, but he had a lot of energy, and the main got paid. I mean, he was basically a super successful version of Mojo Rawley, and that ain't too bad for a part-time gig. Sure, wrestling fans probably won't look back on his career fondly, but if I were Greene, I'd be pretty damn pleased with myself. He went into another sport, had fun while doing it, and got paid. We should all be so lucky.

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