WWE, years after CM Punk asked for them to come back, finally partnered with Good Humor to release WWE Ice Cream Bars. Punk, unsurprisingly, was not one of the four superstars featured on the ice cream sandwiches. Instead, they went with John Cena, Becky Lynch, Roman Reigns, and Macho Man Randy Savage.
As a child, I remember being so excited when the ice cream truck had these, because pro wrestling and ice cream were two of my favorite things in this world. Come to think of it, both of those things are still awesome.
So when I heard they were back, I was so excited that I had to get them right away. But then I'd be at the store and totally forget about it, so it actually took me a couple weeks. But when I finally did remember, I knew it was worth the $4.19 to get four small ice cream bars.
The first one I took out had Macho Man Randy Savage on one side. Then I flipped it over, and Becky Lynch was there. That is a damn strong start for my first ice cream sandwich. I unwrapped this treat and took my first sweet bite.
It was pretty bland.
The cookie outside doesn't deliver, and the vanilla ice cream seems doesn't add a whole lot either. I ended up grabbing some chocolate chips to punch it up a bit. That made a significant improvement, but I would way rather just have good ice cream than deal with this.
Overall, I would not recommend these. I was very excited by the idea but very disappointed in the execution. Most importantly, I got no taste of nostalgia, and that was the flavor I was most hoping to savor.
Is Kairi Sane the least important champion in the WWE? The women’s tag titles, which had tremendous potential, have turned into an afterthought at best, and at Royal Rumble, she was nothing more than a sideshow for her partner’s challenge for a title that actually matters.
I mean, there are so many ways to make Kairi Sane important. They could actually feature the women’s tag division, because between the two brands, they have plenty of tag talent to keep it interesting.
And if that’s not an option, Kairi Sane can still be a viable singles star. I mean, why keep trying to make Lacey Evans a thing when she’s green as gooseshit when you could have Kairi Sane out there dropping elbows that would make the Macho Man proud. And it’s not like you need to give her promo time, she’s a goddamned PIRATE PRINCESS! That alone should make her a star.
I don’t know, I guess my grand solution for Kairi Sane is let her wrestle in important matches because she’s awesome. It really is that simple.
3. Mark Grace
If you think about the Chicago Cubs in the 1990s, the first name that has to come to mind is Mark Grace. He was the only player that was with the team throughout the entire decade, and even though he played with another team later in his career, he's about as Cub of a player as you can find outside of Ernie Banks.
By 1998, Mark Grace was already 34 years old, which would seem to mean that he should be declining, but Grace defied all reasonable expectations by being even more productive at age 34 than he was at 24. This was especially shocking as Grace was never known as a fitness fantatic. He smoked cigarettes before, during, and after games. He also wasn't afraid of the occasional beer or ten.
Since everyone was freaking out about Sammy Sosa's home run chase, people overlooked that Mark Grace also set a personal home run record. He went from a previous career high of just 16 home runs all the way up to 17 home runs in 1998 and put up a line of .309/.401/.471 on the year.
Although he had a very good year, Mark Grace just wasn't a highlight guy. I mean, maybe you remember him hitting for a cycle in 1993, but without YouTube, I sure wouldn't have. But a hitter that good was bound to have a few highlights and September 13, in the tenth inning of a tie game, Mark Grace came to the plate ready to make an impact.
It was a season where the Cubs needed every win they got, and it's good that Grace got to play the hero on this occasion as he was most often second fiddle to Sammy Sosa. But to illustrate his lack of highlights, I would just like to point out that his second biggest highlight from 1998 was a game in May against the San Francisco Giants where he walked four times. Pretty incredible, but unfortunately YouTube does not have that clip posted.
His best highlight from any season is this poster.
He was more of a highlight machine with his quotes, which would later lead to a career in broadcasting. He summed up the 1998 season better than anyone when he said, "This team makes your ulcers have a baby."
He would play one more season with the Cubs, and ended up leading the league in hits for the entirety of the 1990s which is pretty crazy considering he never had a 200 hit season. But he left on bad terms as the Cubs kept him hanging during free agency before finally telling him that they were not going to resign him for the 2000 season. He would continue to be productive for a couple years for the Diamondbacks, winning a World Series in 2001, so at least things worked out for him.
After his playing career, he has done some coaching but has mostly been in the broadcast booth. He has battled alcoholism but appears to be doing well now. But instead of ending on a somber note, instead, let's focus on this fan site that is so overwhelmingly positive that I couldn't help but smile when I went through it: http://www.markgrace.com/
Seriously, go to that website; it's fucking awesome.
Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.
Today, I want to focus on Macho Man as a Macho spokesMan, who would make you Randy for any Savage product that he decided to endorse. Now, everyone is aware of his work with Slim Jim where his intensity made you want to SNAP INTO THAT BEEFY JUICY TASTE. But Macho also had a softer side.
In a world where our heroes constantly disappoint, Macho Man was there to assure us that everything would turn out just fine. Now, I must warn you: Before watching this commercial, you may want to get some tissues, because it's about to get real dusty up in here.
The emotion in this commercial is raw. A child walks alone on a baseball diamond, and...wait, hold up a second. Let's take a look at that jersey.
Yep, that is a "Sport 93" jersey right there. They never fully show the front of the jersey, but I'm nearly positive it just says "Baseball." That has to be the most generic jersey in the history of commercials. So Little Billy Sport, playing for the "Baseball" team is coming out to throw the rawhide around.
Unfortunately, little Billy is met with this sign:
You see, this commercial was made in 1994, during Major League Baseball's strike, and if the pros are on strike, that means little league must follow its lead as part of the MLBPA union and cancel their games as well. Back to the jersey for a second, why is it number 93? The only thing that I can come up with is somebody else used this generic jersey a year earlier, and the WWE decided they could save a few bucks if they didn't get an updated one. I admire that level of frugality.
There is only one man that can save this dire situation, and I think we all know who that is.
OOOOOH YEAH! I mean, just look at that long, majesctic mane that he is sporting. This is a man of pure inspiration.
Macho Man throws some balls for Billy Sport to hit, because baseball should never die. Finally the child turns to Macho Man.
Billy: Do you guys ever go on strike? Macho Man: No way, never!
And that, my friends is the beauty of pro wrestling. That was the beauty of the Macho Man.
Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.
Hulk Hogan turning heel at the Bash at the Beach in 1996 is one of the most iconic moments in pro wrestling history. It was an incredible shock to this 12-year-old Hulkamaniac, but it also spawned the coolest stable in pro wrestling history. What people don't remember is how WCW responded the next night. Sting gave his speech about Hulk letting everybody down, and it was very ho-hum. Then Macho Man took the microphone and shit got real.
In case you are at work, or if you need someone to help you digest what you just saw, I am going to break down every line from the Macho Man.
I got a message for Hollywood Hogan.
Okay, that makes sense. He just turned his back on WCW, and especially Macho Man, more than anyone else, so I it is totally reasonable that Savage would have a message for Hogan.
But what I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television, especially here at Disney.
Hey-o! Macho's coming in hot, but honestly, this makes sense. He has every right to be angry. The problem is that if he can't say what's on his mind, how will he articulate what he wants to do to Hogan? But you should never question Macho's ability to get his point across, because this man has articulation oozing out of his ass.
But you take the worst thing that you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million...
Okay, hold up just for a second. Let me do the math here. Worse thing...times...9,000,000...equals...oh man, that's some bad shit right there.
...and then you multiply it by infinity...
Oh, wait, just give me one more second. Times ∞. okay, it looks like that equals 9,000,000 ∞. That seems like a lot.
...and beyond.
Hum. I can't seem to find the "and beyond" button on this thing. But it's got to be more than 9,000,000 ∞. That was already more than I could count, so it's gotta be pretty intense. And let's not forget that this is how much you should multiply the worst thing that you can think about. It would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert, brother.
Oh, WOW. So even with that large number we just discovered, that would only represent one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert. Doing some quick research with the always reliable Yahoo Answers, I learned that there are eight octillion grains of sand in the Sahara. That means that to figure out what Macho Man is thinking, we have to think of the worst thing we can think of, multiply it by 9,000,000 ∞, and then multiply that by 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Because it's really really scary what I'm thinking and gonna do to you, YEAH.
Uh...yeah, I'd say so. After doing the math, we have to take the worst thing we can think of and multiply it by 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ∞. What could this possibly mean? How is this possible? Well, after weeks of this question haunting me, the answer finally dawned on me. The key is not who is saying this, but who he is saying it to. What Macho Man understood better than any of us was Hollywood Hogan's former nickname. Not just Hulk, but The Immortal Hulk Hogan. That takes care of the infinity, as this torture that Macho Man wants to put on Hulk Hogan will last for all eternity. That giant number before the infinity? Well, that will always remain a mystery as only Macho Man had the mental capacity to dream up something so awful that it would be 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 than your worst nightmare.
It is the greatest threat recorded in human history, and it's another reason why Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest.
Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid.He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.
In the summer of 1990, WWE had big plans for Saturday Night's Main Event, as Hulk Hogan was going to take on the Macho Man. To make this match even bigger, WWE was going to bring in Mike Tyson to be the special guest referee. There was just one problem. Mike Tyson didn't quite come through on his end of the bargain as he got knocked out by James "Buster" Douglas two weeks before the event. This meant the WWE had to switch to boxing's current Heavyweight Champion, and Mike Tyson wouldn't make his WWE debut for another decade.
Although there was a change in plans, Savage still did everything possible to put on a show. I'm not even going to touch on the match with Hogan, but instead focus on what Macho Man did after the match. Savage taunting Buster Douglas after losing to Hulk Hogan is amazing. The amount that Macho Man does here is absolutely incredible. He turned what should have been a disaster into an amazing moment that shows just how incredible he is.
Do you think Macho Man is scared of Boxing's Heavyweight Champion, a man who just knocked out Mike Tyson? Hell no.
Macho slaps Buster Douglas with a left and then immediately runs back to lay on the ropes while wagging his finger in the air. That is the definition of a boss maneuver. But do you think that's the only awesome thing he's going to do? Haha, think again.
Then he dances around the ring ready to box Douglas, because Macho Man (technically Macho King at this point) does not give a shit. The only problem is that Macho gets bored since he knows Douglas is an easy win for him. Since Buster is clearly out of his league, Savage challenges Hogan for a while before it is clear that Hogan is scared of Savage as well.
Finally, Macho Man gets bored and decides he can float like a butterfly while intimidating the champ. This is a great plan that would work if Hulk Hogan treated him like a decent human being. Instead, Hogan chooses the coward's way and shoves Savage from behind putting him in Buster Douglas's range for a knockout punch, and...
He whiffs, badly. Hogan still celebrates, but Macho isn't willing to let this turn into a debacle and go down from a phantom punch, so he clinches up with Buster Douglas, and clearly has to tell him, "Hit me again," in order for Buster Douglas to actually do a reasonable job of throwing a punch.
Basically, what I'm saying is that if Macho Man wanted to, he could have been a World Heavyweight Champion in boxing. Instead, he was one of the greatest pro wrestlers ever and deserves every bit of appreciation that he receives. Every move he makes in this minutes is magical, and it simply can't be overstated how amazingly in control he was of every single moment.
Macho Man is the greatest. Expect more evidence in the near future.
I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.
Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.
And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.
I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.
Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.
Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.
If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:
Everybody remembers Rick Rude, but I'm not sure people remember how great Rick Rude was. I'm honestly not sure if there was a better heel during his era, as it was impossible to cheer for Rick Rude. He was better than everybody else, and there was nothing more that he loved to do than shove that fact right down their throats. Still, he is not remembered for being as great as he was, and now that Macho Man is in, Rick Rude is definitely the most deserving person to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.
The guy had it all. Rick Rude was amazing on the mic. In his debut match, he set the tone for what his schtick would be:
Sweathogs is an insult that is not used nearly enough. It elaborates enough on a simple pig comment by not only saying you look like a hog which takes care of fat and ugly, but you both look and smell disgusting with the sweat added in. Underrated in this clip is Vince McMahon commenting on Rude as he disrobes, "Well, pretty good abs, traps not too bad," and then the camera flashes to a fat kid, and McMahon gets completely flustered. It's all perfect.
And then, after his match, he kisses a woman so passionately that she faints from the experience. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...I would have like 25 cents, although I think the girls may have just pretended to pass out to prevent any funny business. Either way, I'm a helluva kisser. Underrated part of after the match is that Rick Rude would then stand over the woman and gyrate his hips. I really should have tried that maneuver to show the ladies that I'm a bonafide stud.
But it wasn't just on the mic that Rude was a stud, as he could flat out wrestle. He succeeded in WWE, WCW, and in Japan while excelling in every style. This man could not only have great matches with other great wrestlers; he managed to not only get a good match but good matches out of the Ultimate Warrior.
That alone should be enough to make him a Hall of Famer. And the guy was a heel through and through. Rude used to just flex his ass in the middle of the ring or gyrate his hips and get boos rained down on him. He was a total heel in that every bit of his offense made you think this was a bad guy. It was full of headlocks and sleepers and punches to the gut. That slow offense makes it impossible to cheer for a guy. But even when he would add some flash and hold suplexes, there was always that little bit of him showing off that made people hate him.
Oh yeah, and the man loved to show ass. There is nobody in history that got depantsed more than Rude.
And although he never became World Champion in the WWE, he did manage to do it in the WCW.
He not only beat Flair for the title, but he also managed to make out with one of Flair's many different women. As far as I know, he may be the only guy who can claim the latter. He had an incredible career where he not only managed to look great, but he always made his opponents look great as well. After finally becoming a World Champion, he actually never lost the title. Unfortunately, he injured his back in a freak accident in a match against Sting in Japan and was forced to retire. But Rick Rude was pure money both in and out of the ring.
That being said, had he just gone to the ring in his custom made tights, he still would probably be one of my 20 favorite wrestlers of all time. Here are the top five things that Rick Rude had airbrushed on the front of his tights: 5. His Face
It's an incredibly great way to peacock. I mean, if Mystery is armed with a top hat and a boa, you're going to blow him out of the water with custom made tights with your face on the front. A great pickup gambit would be asking a girl to kiss you on your airbrushed lips.
4. Championship Belt
Since you can't wear your title belt at all times, it is best to just airbrush it on there to let the ladies know that anytime you put on your pants, you're a champion. They'll learn later that when you take off your pants, you're even more of a champion.
3. Regis and Kathie Lee's Faces
Yep, just Rick Rude making a woman pass out from the passion of his kiss, and then showing off Kathie Lee's airbrushed face on his front side, while using his backside to make Regis animated when he flexed his ass. This is a very boss maneuver for whenever you are invited on to a talk show, and I think more people should follow Rick Rude's lead.
2. His Opponent's Face
I mean, how demeaning is that? Just your face is right on his dick. That has to be one of the most alpha maneuvers anyone can possibly pull off.
1. His Opponent's Wife's Face
This is the most alpha maneuver. His opponent had a woman? Yeah, Rick Rude's going to put that woman's face right over his dick. Imagine somebody doing that to you. If somebody put my wife's face on their pants, I'd have no choice but to fight them. Like, I couldn't just let them keep wearing those pants. But man, if I saw somebody doing that to somebody else's wife, I would applaud that dude for the gumption. Basically, I am just saying that this is one of the greatest heel maneuvers ever, and I really want a wrestler to bring it back.
After his wrestling days were over due to a back injury, he still had one of the most memorable moments of the Monday Night Wars when he showed up on both shows at the exact same time. Since Raw was pretaped every other week, Rude was there for the taping, but his contract ended and he showed up on a live episode of Monday Nitro.
Yeah, if this isn't 100% the reason that Rude isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame, then it is at least 99% of the reason. He not only screwed over WWE, but then he buried them on their competitor's show. A couple years after this, Rick Rude died at the age of 40 from heart failure. He was a wrestler in the 80s and 90s, so he undoubtedly lived a hard life, but one that still ended far too soon.
Basically, if I was going to be a pro wrestler, I would want to be Rick Rude. Great look, great mustache, and could live like a heel in every aspect of life. Rick Rude's one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time; he's criminally underrated, and WWE needs to put him in the Hall of Fame immediately. It's long overdue for an all-time great.
The Genius is a wrestler where many fans remember the character but forget the details that made him great. Part of this is that The Genius, Lanny Poffo, was the brother of Macho Man Randy Savage (or Randy Poffo if you need the real name). Still, The Genius was not just Macho Man's brother. He was actually super entertaining and came up with some incredibly memorable promos where he truly personified his gimmick. I must also admit that I have an affinity for any outrageously arrogant wrestler, as I tend to most identify with those guys.
I mean, just look at his very first promo.
There is so much gold in this that it is hard to unwrap it all. Obviously, all of the rhyming is incredible, but he manages to use four different languages during it while still keeping it coherent enough for the mouth-breathing WWE fans. This is the guy's first promo, and there is not a wrestling fan out there that wouldn't have thought he was great, or had the exact opposite feeling and wanted his teeth rammed down his throat. I haven't even mentioned that cunning is a word that we should all use a little bit more.
As great as that was, just imagine using the first half of his second promo as a pickup line.
"Behold the world's smartest man, so masculine and proud. The epitome of genius, amazingly endowed."
I mean, right at this point, you're going to have the bartenders busting out mops to clean up the floors, but just in case there are some other issues, you can continue.
"A one man wrestling (may want to replace this word with studly or hunky) renaissance, just let your heart rejoice. And bathe in all the luxury, of my poetic voice."
At this point, the girl may have her shirt off and is probably trying to get after your goodies as you have made her made with ecstasy.
So, yeah, The Genius was amazing, and this is only looking at his career before he even debuted in a WWE ring. Once he did that, he was solid, and, oh yeah, beat the most unbeatable wrestler in the history of wrestling, 1980s Hulk Hogan.
The Genius wasn't the greatest wrestler in the ring, but he was pretty entertaining as a shitheel, just an effeminate bad guy who thought his brains were more important than brawn. He was a total coward and totally wonderful. Although he had a victory over Hulk Hogan. After Hogan's feud with Mr. Perfect ended, he kind of faded away, when he should have had a run as a heel in the Intercontinental Title picture. He at least deserved a little more push.
If The Genius was friends with Hulk Hogan instead of Macho Man's brother, he would have had a 20 year career. Part of that stretch would have included a run in the Dungeon of Doom and also a period of tagging with Horace Boulder, but it still pays pretty well.
Lanny Poffo will mostly be remembered as Randy's brother, but he was pretty great in his own way, and it doesn't take a genius to see that.
The mid-90s were a great time for pro wrestling. It's when the nWo was formed, WCW started acquiring all the best wrestling talent from around the world, and the WWE had...well, it took a while for the WWE, late 90s was more their jam, but they did give us Sunny, who was probably the most jerked-off-to woman of that era...I'm just guessing. Anyway, one of my favorite angles from this era was Ric Flair's two girlfriends.
When Ric Flair reformed the Horsemen, he knew he needed some arm candy, so he recruited Woman to help manage the crew. But one Woman was not enough. Flair began a feud with Randy Savage, where Miss Elizabeth made her return to help out The Macho Man. Or so we thought. It turned out that Miss Elizabeth was actually working for Ric Flair. Ric Flair now not only had one girlfriend to help him out, he now had two girlfriends.
Ric Flair would randomly wander out during the middle of a match on Nitro with a lady on each arm. He set up a VIP section with fine food and champagne that he would take both Woman and Miss Elizabeth to. This whole angle was the fact that Ric Flair was so rich and such a great lover that he could handle two women, and they were both happy to be with him. Not only that, but Miss Elizabeth paid for everything with Macho Man's money.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, two women, there is no way he would pursue a third woman." Haha, maybe you wouldn't pursue a third woman, but if you're spending your time reading this, you are certainly no Nature Boy. While he was with these women, he was also working on seducing Steve "Mongo" McMichael's wife, Debra, and the ladies were also cool with that. Nature Boy gonna Naitch, and the ladies knew what they were getting into.
Basically, the whole point of this post is to remind you that Ric Flair's entire gimmick was that he was a rich guy who was really good at fucking. God bless you, Ric Flair.
When Tatanka debuted, he was my jam. I loved Tatanka. Like, he may have been my favorite wrestler when he first came on the scene. That statement sounds insane, but looking back on that era, it really is not surprising at all. It was right around the steroid scandal, so Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior weren't around. Macho Man was more of an announcer than a wrestler, but even then, Macho Man appealed to adults more than he ever appealed to kids. Although I thought Sting was cool, I was a WWE kid, so my other options for a favorite wrestler included Lex Luger, Bret Hart, and...I don't know, Doink, I guess?
So I was a huge mark for Tatanka. He was honestly built to be a child's favorite superstar. He had some face paint, what I thought was a cool haircut, a super annoying scream that was incredibly fun to yell as a child (I'm positive that I did it thousands of times, and if I brought it up with my siblings or parents, they would likely respond with a groan), and most importantly, he psyched up when he was getting beat down. The psych up was the greatest thing from wrestling's past, because now wrestling crowds are too cynical for it to work, but seriously, there is nothing that appeals to a child more than reaching that level of invincibility.
On top of all of that, it took forever for Tatanka to lose a match. It was really easy to love Tatanka. Tatanka was a great gimmick, as it gave a kid like me everything I wanted in a pro wrestler. Looking back, he was not as great as I remember. He left a lot to be desired in the ring and never truly impressed outside of the ring either. But that's me looking at him as an adult. As a child, I can totally see why I loved the guy. It's a guy like Tatanka that makes me look back fondly at simpler times when I could just enjoy the most basic aspects of sports entertainment. So Tatanka, this one's for you...
As I go through the years of pro wrestling on WWE Network, one of the most fascinating aspects is watching how wrestlers are able to change over the years. The physical changes are obvious, but the personality changes are far more interesting. Shawn Michaels is one of the most fascinating character changes over the years. The most well-known characters that Michaels portrayed was a bland babyface as one half of The Rockers, and his portrayal as the cool guy sex symbol as The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. But in between there was a period where he was neither, as he switched from a babyface who didn't quite yet know how to be a heel.
Although throwing your tag team partner through a plate glass window is a great way to get heat, Shawn Michaels didn't yet know who his character really was beyond, "Bad guy." Everybody could see that he had way more potential than Marty Jannetty, but I'm not sure if anybody really knew where it was going. But he kept getting time, first with his interview show, The Heartbreak Hotel, but even then he was a little stiff. The most important thing that happened to him was when Macho Man left, and he was allowed to take over commentary on Raw for several weeks.
When he first started on commentary, he knew to take the heel perspective but didn't quite know how to talk it out. Vince McMahon may have been shitty at commentating wrestling matches, but he was always willing to set up his broadcast partners. Now some, like Rob Bartlett, took the ball and ran it into his own end zone, laid down, and shit his pants. But, Shawn Michaels slowly warmed up to talking during the matches. It started as the bad is good, good is bad trope that is easy and predictable, but he went from arrogant bad guy to conceited, self-absorbed, sex symbol bad guy, and the latter led to a very long shelf life.
I think that people remember Shawn Michaels as a great talker from his career, but that was never his greatest strength. I mean, it's not like you remember any great HBK lines outside of the lyrics to his song (which was written by Jimmy Hart). Where his real strength lied was in reacting to things as he was always comfortable giving the proper reactions whether it be with words or looks. Too many people in wrestling will agree with the guys on their side and disagree with the guys against them, but Michaels actually used some nuance. Him, Diesel, and Undertaker were going to tag together against Yokouzuna, Owen Hart, and British Bulldog. They had a promo together and Shawn and Diesel are keeping things lighthearted, and Undertaker takes it to a way darker place, and HBK gets a WTF look on his face, and then Undertaker finishes, and he goes into the "Yeah, what he said," reaction. It's subtle, but it makes him relatable instead of a caricature of how a person would react.
Although I still frequently listen to Sexy Boy, I'm not the biggest mark for HBK. Still, he had one of the ten most successful wrestling careers of all time, and that never would have happened had he not been given the chance to fail. He wasn't great at first, and had he not been able to refine his act subtly during commentary, he may never have caught on like he did.
WWE usually uses one wrestler to do commentary for one segment during Raw each week. Letting different guys take over an entire show and helping them find their voice may lead to some awkward moments, but it could also help WWE uncover the next great superstar.
The WWE Network is built for nostalgia, and I every few episodes of Raw, I will come across that a guy that I liked way too much or didn't appreciate enough. Crush falls into the former category, as I thought Crush was really cool. When watching now, I am wondering what I thought was so cool, so I decided to break down the three coolest things about Crush in the eyes of a child.
1. Demolition
I thought Demolition was awesome, because I was a WWF kid, so although I was aware that the Road Warriors were awesome, I thought Demolition was just as cool. When looking back, Hawk and Animal actually were awesome, where Axe and Smash were kind of flabby S+M-looking perverts. Anyway, Crush joined the team towards the end, so he had a lot of built in credibility from being associated with Demolition.
2. "Brudder"
A few years later he came back as a Hawaiian who said "Brudder" a lot. I thought that this was both exotic and totally badass.
3. Kona Crush
The coolest thing as a kid is also the lamest thing as an adult. His finisher was the Kona Crush where he basically just squeezed a dude's head until they gave up. The reason this is so awesome for a kid is that kids are small and weak, so being strong enough to just squeeze a man into submission is an amazing fantasy to live vicariously through a wrestler.
After a year of being a cool Hawaiian dude who beat up Doink the Clown for being mean to kids, he "hurt" his back trying to bodyslam Yokozuna and became a Japanese sympathizer, because Macho Man didn't call to check up on him while he was recovering. He then bounced around various tag teams and various organizations over the next few years until retiring due to real back issues.
Like too many wrestling stories, he passed away in 2007 at age 43. Maybe Crush wasn't built for the modern-day cynical adult, but he was still cool by me, brudder.
Hulk Hogan is seen by most as one of, if not the single greatest professional wrestler of all time. He truly changed the game and helped pro wrestling get mainstream acceptance. Sports Illustrated covers, movies, appearances on all the daytime and late night talk shows, none of those things were happening without Hulk Hogan's larger than life physical appearance and personality.
Despite all of that, it is commonly accepted that Hulk Hogan was terrible in the ring. It is fairly easy to dismiss Hulk Hogan's in ring ability, as he has a limited moveset, and the power of Hulkamania is based off of irrationally being able to bounce back from anything to become invincible late in a match. The other thing that kills him is that Hulk Hogan kept wrestling far longer than he should have, and his performance in the ring got worse and worse as the years wore on. Even early WCW Hogan wasn't nearly as good as WWF Hogan, and he had another run in WWE that was especially bad.
Recognizing all of that, Hulk Hogan wasn't bad in the ring; in fact, he was pretty great. Hulk Hogan may have not had a lot of moves, but he knew how to get the most out of the moves that he did. Everything Hogan did in the ring was oozing with charisma. His atomic drop seemed to break asses. His big boot was enough to put down any opponent. Nobody made a bodyslam feel bigger than Hogan, and it is not even close. Also, his early era legdrop was as good as it gets as he was actually young and athletic enough to jump instead of just drop. When he Hulked up, it gave fans chills; I know it gave me chills, and that matters.
Also, Hulk Hogan's matches are still rewatchable. Hogan vs. Andre, Hogan vs. Savage, and Hogan vs. Warrior are matches that I can watch 25 years later, and I'll still be able to watch and enjoy 50 years later. Wrestling is not just about doing flips and doing amazing physical things, it is also about the delivery, and Hogan's Hulk Up was delivered perfectly to get the maximum response from anyone watching. It may not be flashy, but it is an essential part of being an effective in ring performer.
My only big issue with him is that he would always put his feet straight up in the air right when someone started their pin which telegraphed that he was going to kick out. Had he not done that, it would have added to the drama, but showing vulnerability was never Hulk's strength, and give the man credit; he played to his strengths. On a smaller scale, Hogan had the worst chair shots in the history of wrestling.
And remember how I said those late WWE years for Hogan were especially bad. That is totally true, and yet one of my favorite matches with Hogan was his match against The Rock at WrestleMania 18. The Rock was supposed to be the good guy; Hogan was supposed to be the bad guy, but by sheer force of personality, the crowd decided that Hogan was their guy. Even though he was physically well past his prime, he still got the absolute most out of himself to put on an amazing match for the fans.
If that's not great pro wrestling, I don't know what is.
Pro wrestling, as a whole, has never been very progressive when it comes to its treatment of women. Even today, "Divas" are unimportant at best and are usually seen as a nuisance. Very few women have been able to rise above that level, but there are a few outliers. The Fabulous Moolah was probably the first, Trish Stratus and Lita managed to do it during the Attitude Era, and AJ Lee has had her moments as well. As great as these women have been, for my money, there's nobody that can top Sensational Sherri.
She was a manager that mattered. She was able to increase the importance of who she was managing while still letting the wrestler be the star. Her best run was definitely in the WWE where she took over Miss Elizabeth's role as Macho Man's manager and somehow kept pace with Macho Man during his promos. That alone makes her a Hall of Famer, because Macho Man was the most amazing combination of charisma, creativity, and insanity.
Macho Man would be the star in any pairing, but she added to the reasons to boo the man who was then known as the Macho King. After getting sent to the curb when Macho King lost a retirement match to the Ultimate Warrior where Savage reunited with Miss Elizabeth, she became the original singer of the greatest wrestling theme music of all time, "Sexy Boy," as she managed Shawn Michaels.
Everybody remembers HBK as a guy who was amazing in the ring and compelling outside of it, but he had to work up to that point. He was always good in the ring, but he got better when he became a singles star and had to put on full matches consistently. On the mic, he was pretty weak early on. He kind of reminded me of Dolph Ziggler in that you could see the potential, but there was something that was just a little off where he didn't quite get the reactions that he should have. Sherri truly was Sensational as the crowd absolutely despised her and she brought Shawn up a level as his manager.
Although her WCW career did not always keep her in the main event scene, she made a pretty amazing impact at her debut at Clash of the Champions. It was a mystery who she would be supporting, and it wasn't until the main event where she came out in Sting face paint to show her support for WCW's top babyface in his match to unite the World Titles against Ric Flair. Late in the match, Flair pulled Sherri in front of him and Sting accidentally hit her. Sting was concerned, and Flair rolled him up for the pin. She then revealed that her and Flair were in it together all along. Sting got mad, Flair cheapshotted him, and Sherri leg dropped his nuts. Hulk Hogan came out to restore order, but Sherri slapped him in the face and escaped the ring before he could do anything about it (Side note: The entire time that Hogan was in the ring with Sherri, Jimmy Hart was screaming "Hit her" into his megaphone. That probably wouldn't fly today). Overall, it was a pretty awesome performance from the woman who was now known as Sensuous Sherri.
Just as impressive as her ability to help elevate the person she managed, her ability to get her ass kicked during matches and just bounce back like she was a legitimate fighter meant that she was on her own level as a woman in wrestling. She would take bumps from the likes of Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, and the aforementioned Sting, but that would just knock her down, and she wouldn't magically go unconscious for an hour like most women in wrestling. She got back up to cause more havoc. She was strong enough to choke Hogan during matches, and she actually got credit for hurting men instead of just distracting them. Hell, she even jumped off a cage in WCW to deliver a double axe handle to Hogan. After that, she handcuffed Mr. T, but then took an uncomfortable amount of offense from Hogan. It was pretty rad.
Sherri Martel had many nicknames through her time in pro wrestling, Sensational and Scary being the most notable. And both of those were fitting. The latter, because she could actually do damage to those who opposed the wrestler she managed. And the former, because she was likely the greatest woman in the history of wrestling. She truly was Sensational.
It finally happened. After weeks of anticipation, The Warrior finally delivered on his promise that karma was coming to collect on Hulk Hogan. He had shown us some choice excerpts to whet our appetite, but on Friday, he released all 57 minutes, split up into nine parts, on his website and YouTube.
I know when I really hate people, it takes me about five minutes of pure verbal abuse before I'm worn out. So when Warrior first spoke of this video, I assumed that, at most, half of it would be dissing Hogan, and he'd tackle some other topics along the way. Nope. Warrior has 57 minutes of video, and 55 minutes of pure hatred for Hulk Hogan. His hatred of Hulk Hogan is 11 times my hatred of any other person. And that doesn't even count that he had someone edit this, meaning they actually cut some of his hatred out. Yes, The Ultimate Warrior is incredibly awesome.
Before I get into this, I want to give a warning to everyone out there. If you start watching this, you will not be able to stop.
The Warrior is very wise, so he starts off the video by establishing his credibility and diminishing any credibility from Hulk Hogan and any of his friends. He is the only person who has become an adult. The rest of them still act like selfish children.
The Warrior is clearly above other people in the wrestling business, so he states that he doesn't care about the wrestling business.
Next, he brings up how ridiculous it is that Hulk Hogan doesn't acknowledge his impact on the business. He's also pissed about Renegade. I'm hoping he meant this version...
Because I absolutely love this version...
Lorenzo Lamas was a badass. But I digress.
Warrior also hates somebody named Trident or Triton or Trytan. I don't remember the guy, but it seems as though it was another Ultimate Warrior copycat.
Simple minded people would say that this is a contradiction, but true Warriors would realize that he both doesn't care about the wrestling business but needs to mention that Hulk should recognize his contribution to the business, while laughing at their failed attempts to copy his gimmick. It's called a Clothesline of Creativity, try to keep up. Speaking of Clotheslines of Creativity, here is the best quote from part one:
“I do own a piece of your psyche. And if I do, then all the Ultimate Warrior fans do too.”
Hell fucking yeah. I own a piece of Hulk Hogan's psyche. It's totally badass being a Warrior. Onto Part Two.
Part Two was probably the strongest part of the entire series of videos, but there were a lot of things that were in his highlight video that he released a couple weeks before this video. I will only briefly touch on those things, like this quote on Hulk Hogan's open marriage:
"I bet I'm the only guy who ever said no to doing your wife."
I don't know where I'll ever be able to use that, but god damn, I sure would like to tell somebody that before I die.
Hulk Hogan apparently loves drugs. Here is the proof. Hulk Hogan said this all the time “A day without smoking pot is like a day without sunshine.”
There are days where Hulk does nothing but snort cocaine.
Hulk Hogan hides drugs in his fanny pack.
Juvy Juice, which is not to be confused with Juvie Juice. It's actually Rejuvenation Juice and it amps up the dopamine levels, gets you really high, and it can kill you. Hulk had it in a half gallon bottle.
1. Wrestlers come up with the coolest phrases ever.
2. I have doubted fanny packs for a long time, but it appears that they may be pretty damn awesome. I guess I should have bought that leather American Flag fanny pack when I had the chance.
3. I'll stick with Juvie Juice instead of Juvy Juice.
After this, the Warrior gets bored with Hulk's drug habits and starts to attack his look. He is not impressed with somebody wearing a do-rag at almost sixty years old. Warrior also says that Hulk wears 50 cent sunglasses. Those are not to be confused with 50 Cent sunglasses.
He then talks about Hogan's flap of extensions.The Ultimate Warrior cannot contain his laughter after telling the world this. I would argue that the following is probably the greatest clothesline of creativity in the entire video series:
"If you lift the flap of extensions on the back of Hulk's neck, you would find The Wizard of Oz. I was only partially right, you would find the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, because you don't have a brain, you don't have a heart, and you have absolutely no fucking courage."
That's what we in the industry like to call a "BURN."
But my favorite part of the video was one of the few times where he took a break from bashing Hogan. When Warrior sees a combover or overweight people, he says, “there's some serious character flaws, serious lack of character happening there.” Ultimate Warrior HATES fat people (and bald people too).
First off, when The Warrior says, “I want to wrap this thing up.” This loses a little luster, considering there are still five more parts and a bonus video after this.
Second, Warrior just cited Macho Man's rap album, and agreed with the song, “Be A Man” because it tells Hulk to...um, Be A Man.
And that wraps up part one of my analysis of The Ultimate Warrior's "Karma's Coming To Collect" videos. Tune in tomorrow for part two.
Your Founding Father of Hottness,
Hott Joe
P.S. Jose Canseco LOVES chandeliers, or chandeleers:
To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.
He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.
I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.
@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!
I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.
I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.
How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:
Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.
I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.
-Joe
P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.
P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.
By now, I'm sure you have heard the tragic news that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away after having a heart attack that led to a fatal car accident. Although this is tragic news, nobody can say it is all that surprising as wrestlers die early at an incredibly alarming rate.
Back in the old WWE (then the WWF), wrestlers led a life of excess that they simply can't get away with these days. Kevin Nash once said, “The thing that always kills me is people say wrestlers party like rock stars. I’m thinking, I’ve partied with rock stars. Rock stars don’t party anywhere near what wrestlers do. The quote should be that rock stars party like wrestlers…We partied like wrestlers and that was pretty much the pinnacle.” And that really was the life that wrestlers led. Cocaine, steroids, you name it, they almost definitely tried it and probably took it in excess.
But that's not the only reason that it's sad that Macho Man came through the business when he did. A lot of times people will talk about athletes who could have done much bigger and better things had they come along in a different era. The tweener in basketball, the undersized lineman in football, or the speedy slap hitter in baseball could have all had much larger impacts had they come around twenty years earlier, but it's a different game that they just didn't fit in. The interesting thing about Macho Man is he actually would have made a much bigger impact had he come around twenty years later.
This isn't to say he wasn't great, he most definitely was, but he could have been greater. His peak in the WWE came at a time where bigger was better, and he simply couldn't match the sheer girth of the WWE's biggest attractions. It was a time of unstoppable forces, from Andre the Giant, to Hulk Hogan, to Ultimate Warrior, it was a time of mediocre performers but who had an aura that made them seem larger than life.
Meanwhile, Macho Man was an incredible worker with great charisma, but never had the size to seem unstoppable. He won the title at WrestleMania IV in a 16-Man Tournament mostly because he was one of the few guys who could put on four good matches in a single night. His match at WrestleMania III against Ricky Steamboat is still considered one of the greatest matches of all time. His second title win came at WrestleMania VIII, but it was in the middle of the card, so Hulk Hogan could headline against Sid Justice.
But as great as he was, I keep thinking that he could have been greater. When I look at champions like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have been competing for the WWE Title for ten straight years had he just come along a little bit later.
But unlike most professional wrestlers, Macho Man didn't try to hang on to catch one last bit of glory. He was done as a full-time wrestler in 1999. He made a brief comeback in 2004, but had a disagreement with TNA and left after only a couple months. After that, he disappeared. No website, no Facebook, no Twitter; it was a big deal if you merely saw an updated picture of Macho Man on the Internet.
The only time he was really in the news these past seven years was when he remarried last year. The world saw some wedding photos and he fell back into his life of seclusion.
Almost all wrestlers hold onto the business for two reasons: The spotlight or the money. Macho Man didn't need either, and there's something very refreshing about that (especially as wrestling fans watch legends like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair waste away on TNA Impact Wrestling each week). But as a wrestling fan, it's hard to not imagine a world where Macho Man came along 10-15 years later, because as great as he was, he could have been even greater.
-Joe
P.S. I didn't have a good space to talk about Macho Man's rapping career, but you can bet your ass that I still listen to those songs and have the best songs on repeat today in honor of him. Although, most are going to link to Perfect Friend, but I'd much rather listen to Macho Thang.
P.P.S. Yes, I do still have a talking Macho Man action figure hanging out on my dresser, and I'm proud of it.
