It's Your Turn To Feel The Bern

I don’t talk politics too much here on the blog, but I’m throwing my support behind Bernie Sanders for the democratic primary. I know we have a lot of readers in an early primary state, so I just want to share my opinions about how I got to that choice.

First off, I think I need to recognize that I have been secluded in a Bernie Bubble. Social media has made it easy to surround yourself with like-minded people, so I think it’s important to open my mind and recognize why people like other candidates.

Donald Trump - Let’s recognize that the man is funny and charismatic. Even if you really hate him, you need to recognize that people are drawn to him and he’s said some legitimately funny things. First he made fun of Jeb Bush for being a mama’s boy, and when Jeb said that his mother was the strongest woman that he knows, Trump replied, “She should be running.” That’s legitimately funny.

Joe Biden - Obama kind of liked him back in the day. Reminds you of your racist grandpa that you justify their comments with, “He grew up in a different time.” That’s sweet.

Elizabeth Warren - Is a woman. She knows a lot about financial institutions which makes her qualified to tackle income inequality in this country. Has a cute dog.

Pete Buttigieg - Could be the first gay president. Probably knows a lot about wine.

Cory Booker - Minority candidate who dates an actress and unapologetically tells Dad jokes. That might make him the winner of candidate I’d most like to have a beer with.

Andrew Yang - $1,000 a month? Hell yeah! He cusses. Plus, he is good at math because of racist stereotypes. Probably the candidate I’d most like to smoke weed with.

Amy Klobuchar - Is unapologetically an asshole who wants nothing to get better who is only doing this to make rich friends so she can finally sit at the cool table. Even I love how honest she is in her ambitions.

Michael Bloomberg - Makes me feel tall.

Tom Steyer - Is also running for president

Okay, I recognized I was in a Bernie Bubble, but I emerged to find the best qualities in each of the other candidates. My case for Bernie is super simple. I don’t agree with him on everything but he’s strong on climate change and he’s the only candidate with a strong plan for Medicare For All. Those are the biggest issues facing the United States at this time.

I also think he has the best chance of any of the democratic candidates. I saw somebody point out that the most exciting candidate has continually won the election over at least the last 30 years. Think about the boring ass dopes that ran against Clinton, Bush, Obama, and Trump. Was anyone excited about Older Bush, Dole, Gore, Kerry, McCain, Romney, or Lady Clinton? No, I’m not sure if I could come up with a more milquetoast group of people if I tried. Andrew Yang is the only other candidate that people are actually excited to support. The other candidates people just support because they think they have a chance, but there is nothing exciting about any of them. Bernie’s rallies are the biggest, he has the most donors, and the most money coming in despite not having big money donors. Bernie isn’t the most exciting guy, but he has exciting ideas, and people actually want to vote for him on the strength of Bernie, not the weaknesses of his competitors.

I think a big reason for that is Bernie is the only candidate who is not simply running to become President. He actually wants to improve the lives of Americans, and he knows this is the only way to get it done. When I look at every other candidate, I see people vying for president just so they can say they were president. It reminds me of when I ran for Junior Class President even though the only responsibility of that position was planning Prom, something I had zero interest in, much like these people have zero interest in improving the lives of Americans. Most of them don’t want anything to change which means I at least respect Amy Klobuchar for being honest about it. The only two that would bring some change are Yang and Warren. Yang has seedlings of good plans, but they haven’t grown into viable ideas, while Warren has already backtracked on medicare for all, and the longer this goes, the worse people are going to feel about her.

Even if your political opinions don’t totally align, at least recognize that Bernie Sanders actually seems to care about working class people in this country. He’s not a perfect candidate, but at least he wants to make things better. We could do far worse than that.

My Neighbor Is Amazing

I'm not often impressed by people. Most people are just people. They have good qualities; they have bad qualities, and it mostly balances out where everybody is equally great and also everybody equally sucks. But occasionally, someone is able to break that mold and truly separate from the pack of normals. My neighbor is one of these people.

Now, unfortunately, this is not my next door neighbor, but he does live around the corner from me, and I do get the pleasure of driving by his house every day. This man is such a patriot that he doesn't just have a Trump sign, he also has a Trump flag proudly displayed in the front of his house. Oh, but don't think he's done there, as his car is decked out in Trump stickers and decals. But, since this man is a true patriot, he also has two American flags hanging up front.

Speaking of flags, I noticed an American flag that was black with one blue stripe down the middle. Most of you probably know what this means, but I had no idea, so I searched on the Internet and, of course it is the official flag of #BlueLivesMatter. This man just loves this country so damn much.

But it doesn't stop there. I was walking the dog by his house one day and he had one bay of his garage open, so I was able to take a peak inside. I expected to see more Trump flags hanging, but yet again, I underestimated this, mysterious, wonderful, enigma, because he steps up in the garage as he proudly flies the confederate flag. Led by the police, the south will rise again, hence, making America great again. It's so simple and poetic.

And then I saw the man, and it was better than I could have possibly dreamed. A man, in his 50s, with a THICK mustache and mullet. This wasn't a white trash mullet. This was the full permed out pompadour look that shows this man has never lost a fight, because it's pretty clear he only beats women.

I need to learn more about this angel from God. I mean, the views that he outwardly supports are pretty offensive on their own. Imagine the stuff that he believes in his heart that he can't find flags for. Does he share beliefs with Mormons where blacks are evil souls that were cursed with dark skin? Does he think gays are actually evil aliens that are trying to ruin America? Does he call them Gayliens?

Although I know that any thoughts are possible, I still couldn't properly prepare for any of his takes that are hotter than the sun's surface. My brain would probably explode by his second belief.

My neighbor is amazing. An amazing piece of shit, but amazing nonetheless.

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!