It's Your Turn To Feel The Bern

I don’t talk politics too much here on the blog, but I’m throwing my support behind Bernie Sanders for the democratic primary. I know we have a lot of readers in an early primary state, so I just want to share my opinions about how I got to that choice.

First off, I think I need to recognize that I have been secluded in a Bernie Bubble. Social media has made it easy to surround yourself with like-minded people, so I think it’s important to open my mind and recognize why people like other candidates.

Donald Trump - Let’s recognize that the man is funny and charismatic. Even if you really hate him, you need to recognize that people are drawn to him and he’s said some legitimately funny things. First he made fun of Jeb Bush for being a mama’s boy, and when Jeb said that his mother was the strongest woman that he knows, Trump replied, “She should be running.” That’s legitimately funny.

Joe Biden - Obama kind of liked him back in the day. Reminds you of your racist grandpa that you justify their comments with, “He grew up in a different time.” That’s sweet.

Elizabeth Warren - Is a woman. She knows a lot about financial institutions which makes her qualified to tackle income inequality in this country. Has a cute dog.

Pete Buttigieg - Could be the first gay president. Probably knows a lot about wine.

Cory Booker - Minority candidate who dates an actress and unapologetically tells Dad jokes. That might make him the winner of candidate I’d most like to have a beer with.

Andrew Yang - $1,000 a month? Hell yeah! He cusses. Plus, he is good at math because of racist stereotypes. Probably the candidate I’d most like to smoke weed with.

Amy Klobuchar - Is unapologetically an asshole who wants nothing to get better who is only doing this to make rich friends so she can finally sit at the cool table. Even I love how honest she is in her ambitions.

Michael Bloomberg - Makes me feel tall.

Tom Steyer - Is also running for president

Okay, I recognized I was in a Bernie Bubble, but I emerged to find the best qualities in each of the other candidates. My case for Bernie is super simple. I don’t agree with him on everything but he’s strong on climate change and he’s the only candidate with a strong plan for Medicare For All. Those are the biggest issues facing the United States at this time.

I also think he has the best chance of any of the democratic candidates. I saw somebody point out that the most exciting candidate has continually won the election over at least the last 30 years. Think about the boring ass dopes that ran against Clinton, Bush, Obama, and Trump. Was anyone excited about Older Bush, Dole, Gore, Kerry, McCain, Romney, or Lady Clinton? No, I’m not sure if I could come up with a more milquetoast group of people if I tried. Andrew Yang is the only other candidate that people are actually excited to support. The other candidates people just support because they think they have a chance, but there is nothing exciting about any of them. Bernie’s rallies are the biggest, he has the most donors, and the most money coming in despite not having big money donors. Bernie isn’t the most exciting guy, but he has exciting ideas, and people actually want to vote for him on the strength of Bernie, not the weaknesses of his competitors.

I think a big reason for that is Bernie is the only candidate who is not simply running to become President. He actually wants to improve the lives of Americans, and he knows this is the only way to get it done. When I look at every other candidate, I see people vying for president just so they can say they were president. It reminds me of when I ran for Junior Class President even though the only responsibility of that position was planning Prom, something I had zero interest in, much like these people have zero interest in improving the lives of Americans. Most of them don’t want anything to change which means I at least respect Amy Klobuchar for being honest about it. The only two that would bring some change are Yang and Warren. Yang has seedlings of good plans, but they haven’t grown into viable ideas, while Warren has already backtracked on medicare for all, and the longer this goes, the worse people are going to feel about her.

Even if your political opinions don’t totally align, at least recognize that Bernie Sanders actually seems to care about working class people in this country. He’s not a perfect candidate, but at least he wants to make things better. We could do far worse than that.

My Neighbor Is Amazing

I'm not often impressed by people. Most people are just people. They have good qualities; they have bad qualities, and it mostly balances out where everybody is equally great and also everybody equally sucks. But occasionally, someone is able to break that mold and truly separate from the pack of normals. My neighbor is one of these people.

Now, unfortunately, this is not my next door neighbor, but he does live around the corner from me, and I do get the pleasure of driving by his house every day. This man is such a patriot that he doesn't just have a Trump sign, he also has a Trump flag proudly displayed in the front of his house. Oh, but don't think he's done there, as his car is decked out in Trump stickers and decals. But, since this man is a true patriot, he also has two American flags hanging up front.

Speaking of flags, I noticed an American flag that was black with one blue stripe down the middle. Most of you probably know what this means, but I had no idea, so I searched on the Internet and, of course it is the official flag of #BlueLivesMatter. This man just loves this country so damn much.

But it doesn't stop there. I was walking the dog by his house one day and he had one bay of his garage open, so I was able to take a peak inside. I expected to see more Trump flags hanging, but yet again, I underestimated this, mysterious, wonderful, enigma, because he steps up in the garage as he proudly flies the confederate flag. Led by the police, the south will rise again, hence, making America great again. It's so simple and poetic.

And then I saw the man, and it was better than I could have possibly dreamed. A man, in his 50s, with a THICK mustache and mullet. This wasn't a white trash mullet. This was the full permed out pompadour look that shows this man has never lost a fight, because it's pretty clear he only beats women.

I need to learn more about this angel from God. I mean, the views that he outwardly supports are pretty offensive on their own. Imagine the stuff that he believes in his heart that he can't find flags for. Does he share beliefs with Mormons where blacks are evil souls that were cursed with dark skin? Does he think gays are actually evil aliens that are trying to ruin America? Does he call them Gayliens?

Although I know that any thoughts are possible, I still couldn't properly prepare for any of his takes that are hotter than the sun's surface. My brain would probably explode by his second belief.

My neighbor is amazing. An amazing piece of shit, but amazing nonetheless.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Don't Post Your Political Views On Facebook

So it's election season, and that is obviously a very important thing for the country. Some people are for one guy, some people are for the other, while others are for Ron Paul. It really doesn't matter to me who you support as long as you do not post your opinions on Facebook. There is no way to post your thoughts without coming across as an ignorant piece of shit.

Facebook always pisses me off, because statuses of Facebook friends are a collection of the dumbest shit you will see on the internet. I rarely follow people I know on Twitter, because I have to be drunk around most of my friends to enjoy them, where genuinely intelligent people, I can enjoy at any time. I do not blame the people I know for this, as some of my Tweets and Facebook statuses are boring as well. I've probably tweeted "IOWA!" and where most people would think that was about a sporting event, it was probably just me having some really good corn on the cob.

This is usually not a problem, because it is harmlessly worthless comments. But when politics get involved, it centralizes everything I hate in the world and puts it in a sentence or two. A reasonable status is very rare, because people don't feel the need to post rational ideas about politics. They only post if they feel very strongly about things. Whether it's "Way to kick his ass, Obama," or "Romney has a PLAN," or "There he goes again, avoiding the issues," it doesn't matter, because they all would have been better kept in your brain as opposed to typed out on a keyboard. Just about everybody expands on the samples that I provided, but the longer your post is, the more it comes across as a person who is retarded but thinks they're doing a really good job of hiding it.

Even a reasonable status pisses me off. Seeing something like, "Doesn't matter who wins, because we're in America, land of the free," and that gets 50 likes, because if you don't like a status that is pro-America, you are probably a terrorist. It shouldn't take an election to make you realize that your life is pretty sweet here in the USA, Ricky Stanzi reported on that like three years ago.

Yet, there I am, going into Facebook and reading this crap. All it does is build the rage up inside of me, and that is valuable hate that I could be using for sports instead of stupidity. I can't help it. I'm basically like a slow child, I put my hand in the fire, realizes it burns, takes my hand away, only to put it right back in the fire to see what happens this time. Yep, same results, people are fucking retarded.

Trust me, you do not have anything important to say when it comes to politics. There should not be any audience for your thoughts, because they are stupid. So...painfully stupid.

So, please, the next time you have a thought about politics, don't go to your computer. If you're at your computer, don't start typing out that thought. If you start typing out that thought, please, for the love of God, do not hit send. And if you hit send, at least clean out your diaper when you're done before you go back to chewing on that chair leg.