The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Four

After a good but not great draft, my team started off hot, but the writing was on the wall. That led to me selling off almost all of my top draft picks so I could worry about next year.

At this point, my team was 5-5-2. We were right in the hunt for the last playoff spot but considering all of the talent I had lost via trade, I was going to be an underdog in just about every matchup for the rest of the year. But due to some savvy free agent acquisitions and a whole lot of scrappiness, my team refused to lie down.

It started off with some good luck in scheduling as I took on the second worst team in the league and got three stolen bases apiece from Polanco and Revere while Marcus Stroman had two very strong starts to lead my pitching staff to victory to get the team back over .500.

Unfortunately, I couldn't rig the schedule to only play the worst teams in the league the rest of the year, and I ran up against a team that was ahead of me in the standings due to a plethora of starting pitching. Still, due to dominant starts by Hutchison, Stroman, and Arrieta and help in relief from Robertson and Rondon (I call them R&R, because there is no need to worry with these guys closing out games), my pitching led the way and a couple stolen bases from BJ Upton and Ben Revere got me a tie in stolen bases to eke out a 5-4-1 victory to put me two games over .500. Also, at the end of the week, I finally conceded that Andrew Heaney was probably not coming back to the majors anytime soon after his disastrous first starts and made a crucial free agent pickup.

I acquired Jake Odorizzi in free agency. 

My pitching was coming together, and it was at this point that I started to believe in my chances. I was no longer looking towards the future, because the future was now.

The next week would prove important for three reasons. First off, I noticed that somebody dropped a player I was quite fond of as a spot opened up on my roster due to a DL stint.

I acquired Eric Hosmer on waivers.

The good news was that I got Hosmer; the only downside was that I was running out of moves. That was my 21st acquisition which left me with just four remaining pickups for the rest of the year. Oh yeah, and I also had the completely worthless Dylan Bundy on my roster. This leads me to the second important thing that happened that week.

I trade Dylan Bundy and a 12th round football pick for Justin Verlander and a 14th round football pick.

I was betting on Verlander putting it together in the second half, and although he was never Verlanderian, he was always better than Bundy, he didn't cost me a move, and the man knows how to perform in the playoffs (even if those are only the fantasy playoffs).

As for the third important thing that happened that week? Well, you'll just have to wait until next time for me to get into that one.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Three

We started at the draft, and then left off with my team sitting at .500 and needing something drastic to happen to get this team on the right track.

That something happened on June 4. My two months of attempting to trade Ryan Braun finally paid off, but instead of looking to reload my roster, I decided it was time to rebuild and focus on the upcoming basketball season while throwing in the towel on baseball. I would not only lose Braun but also a pitcher that dominated in the first two months of the season.

I traded away Ryan Braun, Masahiro Tanaka, my 8th and 11th round basketball picks for Josh Willingham, Jorge De La Rosa, a 2nd and 3rd round basketball pick and the right to swap first round picks in an upcoming basketball draft. 

It was tough to lose Tanaka, but this baseball team just didn't have what it took to contend. Just two days later, I would complete the selling process with another trade that hurt just as much as the first one.

I traded Evan Longoria, Zack Greinke, Koji Uehara, my 9th and 12th round basketball picks for Daisuke Matsuzaka, Joe Smith, Juan Francisco, a first round basketball pick and a conditional basketball pick depending on how many home runs Longoria had the rest of the year. It was guaranteed to be at least an 8th, would move up to a 6th if he hit ten more homers, and up to a 5th if he hit 20 more homers (it became a 6th). 

These moves decimated my team for all intents and purposes, but right around this time, I made two pickups that seemed to be minor but would change the course of my season.

In free agency, I picked up Ben Revere and Marcus Stroman. 

Stroman had recently gotten blown up as a reliever, but he was getting a shot in the starting rotation. As an undersized person, I love undersized pitchers, so Stroman was a guy I had coveted for a while. Ben Revere was an empty batting average and stolen bases, but if he could do those two things well enough, he could definitely add value, and it wasn't like I didn't have the space to give some new guys a try. Those are moves that worked, but a few days later, I also added Andrew Heaney and Dylan Bundy with speculation that they would be called up soon. Heaney was called up soon, but did not deliver results and Bundy was completely worthless. But hey, you can't win 'em all.

Not shockingly, my team lost immediately after trading away five of my best players. Although, I was selling for this year, I'm always looking for value for next year, so I did the logical thing and made another trade.

I traded Jorge De La Rosa, and a 9th round football pick for Gregory Polanco, a 15th round football pick, and the right to swap 7th round football picks.

Polanco had been drafted in the 25th round, which means he would only cost me a 23rd to keep in 2015. This was worth a later half football pick to me, as all of my trades had left me with nobody to keep but Jose Abreu.

Partially led by Gregory Polanco, I won my next matchup against the worst team to get back up over .500. It was short lived, as I lost my next matchup by falling one run and one RBI short to go back to .500. Still, it was an important week, as I made this move.

I picked up Jake Arrieta in free agency. 

With Revere, Stroman, Polanco, and Arrieta, there were winds of change on the horizon.

But this is only part three, you'll have to wait for part four to get to that story.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part Two

We last left off this story right after the draft. A lot of people believe that a strong draft is the way to build a championship team. I believe that the draft is the first chapter of a long book, and I will trade my mother if I think I can get good value.

So the first thing that I did after the draft was get myself a real shortstop and got Chris Owings. I also took advantage of 3 DL spots, so I could add Derek Holland and pick up Tanner Scheppers to start for my team on Opening Day. I added Tyler Skaggs and immediately dropped him after his first start. So, yeah, my early pickups did not pay off, but the 25 pickups didn't start until halfway through week one, so I was still fine. I did manage to pickup Nate Eovaldi early on who had some good moments before falling apart in the second half, but he would stay with my team for a very long time.

Halfway through the second week of the season, I was convinced that Ryan Braun was not going to be healthy enough to tap into his power potential and began my efforts to trade him. It would take me nearly two months to trade him, but it would be worth it when it finally happened.

Anyway, things were going shockingly well for my team in the standings. Nate Eovaldi and Chris Tillman helped lead my pitching and carry the team to victory in Week 1. After that, both Jose Abreu and Justin Upton had four home runs to help my offense carry me to a victory in Week 2. In Week 3, BJ Upton's three steals and multi-homer weeks from Votto, Moustakas, and Braun helped me enough to pull off a tie. In Week 4, Jose Abreu hit five home runs, and Chris Carter added three in what may have been his only valuable week during the first half of the season. After the first month, I was 3-0-1.

I also wisely Brandon McCarthy twice in this span, but don't worry, I would drop him before he actually got things turned around and started dominating. I did pick up Hector Rondon who solidified my relievers and also Drew Hutchsion who had some nice moments throughout the year. Unfortunately, my luck was about to run out.

In Week 5, my offense completely shit the bed, and my pitching wasn't much better. In Week 6, we got a lot of strikeouts and home runs but didn't do much else for another loss. In Week 7, Hutchison, Tillman, and Tanaka all threw complete game shutouts, but that was still only enough to get me a tie.

Week 7 also marked Danny Salazar being sent to the minors who I replaced with Jaime Garcia. I immediately tried to trade him for an underperforming Pablo Sandoval. The owner told me that it was close, but he needed a solid third base option in return. A few days later, I noticed that David Freese was coming off the DL. One minute after adding Freese, I made an offer of Freese and Garcia for Sandoval which was enough to get the job done two hours later.

I traded Jaime Garcia and David Freese for Pablo Sandoval.

I turned two free agent pickups into a hitter that was just about to get over his cold streak and hit very well for the rest of the season, so that worked out well.

Still, things were not going so well in the standings. Pablo Sandoval did help in his first week with multiple homers, and Justin Upton added three to get me my first win in a month. After that, I didn't have enough to win despite double-digit strikeouts from Tillman, Hamels, Greinke, and even David Robertson.

I was ten weeks into the season, and my team was 4-4-2. If the season ended today, I was in the playoffs, but there were a lot of holes in my roster and the guys that I bet on just didn't seem to be paying off. I was ready to make a change, and change was going to be drastic.

Tune in next time for part three of the longest fantasy baseball story ever told.

The Longest Fantasy Baseball Story Ever Told - Part One

With the end of the regular season comes the end of fantasy baseball. This was probably my proudest fantasy baseball season, as I managed to buy, sell, and compete all at once. I don't do drugs, so trades are what I imagine crack would be like. I managed to make seven trades this season, and that doesn't even include the trades I made before the draft to move up and down as I bought and sold picks from other sports. With that, there are three important things to know about this league.

1. We have a baseball, basketball, and football season, so we can trade guys between sports. We compete in the individual sports and compete for an overall championship as well.
2. We are introducing keepers this year. Very limited, as you can keep two guys for each sport, and it costs two rounds higher than when the guy was drafted. Free agents are ineligible.
3. You are only allowed 25 free agent acquisitions throughout the entire season. This makes every move way more stressful than a normal league and adds way more strategy to the free agency process. There is no streaming pitchers every week, but maybe you can make a Sunday pickup to put your team over the edge.

There is only one place to start this story, and that is with my draft. After you see my draft, you will understand why I had to make trades. Anyway, here is what I was able to acquire (Note: There were trades before the draft that altered some of my picks, so that is why I did not pick until 19):

19 Carlos Gomez, Mil OF  
23 Evan Longoria, TB 3B  
26 Joey Votto, Cin 1B  
38 Justin Upton, Atl OF  
54 Zack Greinke, LAD SP  
78 Masahiro Tanaka, NYY SP  
83 Wilin Rosario, Col C  
91 Matt Cain, SF SP  
98 Cole Hamels, Phi SP  
115 Chase Utley, Phi 2B  
126 Jose Abreu, CWS 1B  
134 Jedd Gyorko, SD 2B  
139 Danny Salazar, Cle SP  
146 B.J. Upton, Atl OF  
150 David Robertson, NYY RP  
163 Leonys Martin, Tex OF  
179 Koji Uehara, Bos RP  
187 Chris Tillman, Bal SP  
198 Chris Carter, Hou 1B  
235 Jose Veras, Hou RP  
246 Mike Moustakas, KC 3B  
259 Ubaldo Jimenez, Bal SP  
270 Josh Johnson, SD SP  
283 Edwin Jackson, ChC SP  
294 Derek Jeter, NYY SS  

The highlights obviously start with my first pick, Carlos Gomez. An outstanding player in all categories and before I go on about him, I should mention my first trade:

I trade Carlos Gomez and an 8th round football pick for Ryan Braun and a 15th round football pick.

My analysis of this trade: Whoops. I thought Ryan Braun's wrist was healed and I'm not a huge believer that PEDs make a large difference. I stand by the latter, but the former was just poor research on my part.

Other lowlights include my Joey Votto pick which did not work out. I was targeting Stanton there, and he got scooped up right before my pick. I was heartbroken and immediately trying to trade for Stanton, especially since I was living in South Florida at the time so I attended multiple Spring Training and regular season Marlins games. It never came to fruition, and Votto's most positive contributions was when he was only occupying a DL spot instead of starting.

Matt Cain wasn't very good, as I was targeting Anthony Rizzo with that pick, but since I already had Votto and was targeting another first baseman later in the draft, I didn't really need him. Gyorko and Salazar were two young players that I expected to take steps forward, but they both decided to jump backwards instead.

Finally, my last six picks were all dropped within the first six weeks of the season, but to be fair, I only drafted Jeter as a joke since it is free to add guys before the season starts. I replaced him with Chris Owings.

But there were highlights. Greinke, Tanaka, and Hamels were all great values that could lead my starters and Robertson and Uehara were great closers to get later on. As for hitters, the only real highlight was Jose Abreu. That was a great pick, but it may have been my only great pick, as only the biggest fanboy of Chris Carter would actually have held onto him throughout his entire cold streak to be paid off for when he became red hot during the second half of the season.

Looking back, this is a solid team. A good pitching staff that is going to have to carry a disappointing offense. But this is the longest fantasy baseball story ever told, so we'll get into that next time.

UFC 178 Is Still Going To Be the Best Card of the Year

UFC 178 has not gotten a ton of hype in anticipation of the fights this weekend. That is mostly because the original main event was Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier, and that fight had the most hype since the days of Brock Lesnar. Also, the replacement main event is about as sure of a thing as you are going to find in the UFC which lessens the excitement. But even though the main event sucks. This card is absolutely stacked. As I went through the fights, my jaw dropped further and further as I was amazed at the talent of this card. Here is a rundown of what to look forward to this weekend.

Demetrious Johnson vs. Chris Cariaso

Cariaso is the biggest underdog in a title fight in UFC history, and he should be. Mighty Mouse is unbelievably quick, and he has consistently added power to his strikes. That is a terrifying combination. The guy is so smooth that I would feel pretty comfortable parlaying this fight with any other one on the card that you felt like betting on.

Donald Cerrone vs. Eddie Alvarez

So I knew this fight was signed, but now that it's here, it found a way to totally sneak up on me. I am so excited for this fight. Neither guy knows how to have a boring fight, and although each guy is tough, they also have enough holes that they could be exploited by their opponent at any time. One of the underrated things about Cerrone is how far his wrestling has come. In a strict wrestling sense, he'll never be very good, but he might be in the top 25% of fighters in his ability to mix strikes with his wrestling in order to be an effective MMA wrestler. Who am I picking in this fight? I'm not, because I honestly have no clue what is going to happen. But since this means nothing, I'll go with Alvarez while noting that anytime I underestimate Cerrone, he makes me look like an idiot.

Dustin Poirier vs. Dustin McGregor

Am I on the McGregor bandwagon? Hell no. He's a talented striker, but I think he will get eaten alive by a wrestler. Luckily, the UFC has protected him from those matchups, and that continues with Poirier. Still, Poirier is the most talented guy that he has fought. Still, I'm picking Poirier, partly because I'm down on McGregor, but mostly that his nickname is Diamond. Dustin "Diamond." You know you're tough when you willingly walk around with a nickname that likens you to Screech. Bravo sir. Bravo.

Tim Kennedy vs. Yoel Romero

I love wrestlers, so Yoel Romero is my guy since he was good enough to win a Silver Medal. He has often used his wrestling for defense so he can throw bombs at people, which is a pretty scary combination. Still, I gotta go with Kennedy on this one, because the guy always finds a way to win. In the last seven years, his only losses are close decisions to Luke Rockhold and Ronaldo Souza. Romero is good, but I don't think he's quite on that level, so I'm going Kennedy.

Dominick Cruz vs. Takeya Mizugaki

Dominick Cruz is back? Finally. Cruz hasn't fought for three years due to repeated knee injuries, but he's finally back. If he's the same fighter he was before, all he has to do is win this one for a shot at TJ Dillashaw to reclaim the title he was forced to vacate. Mizugaki is no easy out, but if Cruz is anywhere near his old talent level, he should have no problems winning the fight.

Those are the fights I'm most excited about, but also on the card is former #1 women's contender, Cat Zingano, Jorge Masvidal, Stephen Thompson, and a bunch of other fighters that have historically had entertaining fights.

I know this card doesn't have the flashy main event, but it more than makes up for it with the other fights on this card. Get excited; this is going to be a fun night of fights.

I Am So Excited For Wrestle War 90

The WWE Network is a magical place where you cannot watch for an hour without your mind being blown. I was watching Clash of the Champions X, and within the first hour, I saw Dr. Death Steve Williams pretending to be a doctor and performing CPR, but this was 1990, so he only pushed on the chest as mouth-to-mouth would have made him geh. Jim Cornette, for no reason whatsoever, calling Norman (a random fat wrestler who loved teddy bears) a child molestor, and finding out that Cactus Jack's last name was Manson. What does this has to do with Wrestle War 90? This also happened:
I can just about guarantee that this PPV is hot garbage, because WCW could not compare to WWF at this point, but man, this .gif:

I want my everyday to be that. Wrestle War 90. Can't wait.

Bloodstained Men Has the Most Important Cause of Our Lifetime

I recently learned about the advocacy group, Bloodstained Men, and they might be my favorite advocacy group of our time. These are people with passion, fashion, and soon they'll be cashin'...checks because everyone is going to donate to this cause. Here are the reasons that Bloodstained Men are the perfect group for our generation.

1. Their Cause Is Important
So what are the Bloodstained Men all about? They are trying to stop circumcision at all costs. These babies aren't consenting to circumcision, therefore, it should be illegal to do it. And this may just be the tip of the iceberg. If we have to have babies consent to everything, they are going to start earning more and more rights. Babies are also imprisoned while they sleep, so they may be looking to ban cribs next. Would it be such a bad thing to let babies vote? Personally, I'm ready for President Blues Clues. It can't be any worse than the current regime, AMIRITE. #ThanksObama #Nobama

2. They Have Stunning Visuals
Was that photo up top not enough? Okay, how about this one?

That is strong, but maybe this is more your style?

That is almost too hot. This should satisfy everyone.

Yep, that should do it.

3. They Have Catchy Catchphrases
Having an organization based on circumcision give you an incredible opportunity for catchphrases. Here are some quick ones that I came up with off the top of my head.

Give your dick some extra size
There's no need to circumsize.

Foreskin gives the ladies more skin.

Keep that knife away from my dick
Use it to spread butter real quick.

I'm glad you're not going after my testicles
Let me keep the resticles.

How about we all drink some Tang
Then you won't have to slice my wang.

It is wrong to cut my dong.

I might go into epileptic shock
If you try to cut my cock.

Some were clearly better than others, but these all took me about 45 seconds to come up with. Needless to say, I was pretty excited to find out what Bloodstained Men were able to come up when they had years to make the catchiest of catchphrases. This is what they came up with:

You don't have to cut his penis.
Let him keep his WHOLE penis.

Seriously? Rhyming penis with penis? That's it?

But here's the thing, it's still really catchy. If I was still in college, I would definitely dress in all-white coveralls with a red stain on my crotch for Halloween and scream that catchphrase the entire night. It would be one of the most fun Halloween costumes of all time (Note: If you do this, please send pictures or video to uncensoredwriting@gmail.com).

The message is so strong that the delivery doesn't even matter.

Thank you, Bloodstained Men. Thank you.

Sean O'Haire: Master of the Vignette

Last night, news came that Sean O'Haire had passed away. If you are not a wrestling fan, that name probably means very little to you. If you are a wrestling fan, you may still not know who that is. But if you do have strong memories of Sean O'Haire, it is almost certainly not for what he did in the ring, but for what he did outside of the ring.

In preparation of Sean O'Haire coming to the WWE with a new gimmick, they released a series of vignettes. They are, without a doubt, the greatest vignettes in WWE history. I can't remember how I found these videos as it was a dark period in my wrestling watching when these came to fruition. I am guessing my brother sent them to me, and if I found them first, I can guarantee I immediately sent them to my brother. 

Bray Wyatt was praised for his vignettes, because he came across as this diabolical cult leader. But when you think about it, Bray Wyatt isn't scary, because Bray Wyatt can't control you. He is a cult leader for hillbillies, not your normal everyday person. Sean O'Haire was the cult leader for your everyday person, because on its face, although you knew what he was saying was bad, it also kind of made sense.

Every video was pure magic, like this one on infidelity.


Or this one on drugs:



Or my personal favorite, his work on religion:


They are all brilliant. Delivered perfectly. That smug confidence that every standard that you hold yourself to is a farce while he offers true freedom that will not only make you happier, but will make those around you happier as well. They are hammered home with the perfect conclusion, "Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know."

This gimmick really never went anywhere, but these videos will live on forever. If you really want to see their impact, just look at the YouTube comments on these videos. They make people feel uncomfortable about their beliefs. It's amazing.

It's a weird thing in that my friends and I have laughed our asses off at these videos, as they were so brilliant, all you could do was sit back and appreciate it. I'm sure that we are not alone in our appreciation for Sean O'Haire, and I hope that he knew how great these videos were. On the internet, it's so easy to shit all over things that you don't like. But this was something I loved, and I never took the time to see if he had Twitter or Facebook to tell him how awesome these were. At just 43 years old, I could have assumed that I would have plenty of time, but I was never actually going to do it.

So, if you take one thing out of this, it's praise things that you actually enjoy to let the creators know that what they are doing is awesome. It may be an athlete, it may be a writer, or even an artist, but letting them know how great their work is will make both you and the creator feel better.

Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.