How To Stop a Knife With Your Dick

Guys, even I'm having trouble fathoming the expertise it takes to pull off this move.

For a normal person, this is incredibly dangerous. If your penis is not trained, then it is unlikely that the penis will be able to grab onto a knife without causing great harm to your body. I hate to break it to you, but if you are not grabbing things with your dick, you are a penis pretender. The man above is not a penis pretender, and neither is this man.

If you can't lock somebody in an armbar and flip them using nothing but your penis, you probably shouldn't try stopping knives with your genitalia.

But what about the ladies? They're penis is an innie instead of an outtie. Although this trick is tough for the fellas, ladies could likely stop multiple knife attacks by attaching themselves to the knife and ripping it from the attacker. As the old saying goes, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight...because some lady will steal your knife with her vagina."

Matters of Size Is the Only Penis Exercise Motivation You Need

Occasionally, the blogging gods will look down on you and smile. Last week was one of those times as I got a notification of a new Twitter follower. Although @MoSNetwork meant little to me at first glance, I then saw the name attached, Matters of Size. I then saw the profile, and my interest was officially piqued when I read the following:

A BROTHERHOOD of over 150,000 men exploring men's issues & natural male enhancement exercises on the world famous MOS Forums.

I thought for sure that would be the best part, but then I saw the profile picture, and I nearly spit all over myself.

That is just...that's amazing. The overly gelled hair, the earring, the chain, and that extra thick t-shirt. And that's before we go to the face where he is making a face I didn't know really existed, but without words, he seems to be saying "Hey, are you going to eat that earwax?"

And the tweets? The tweets are all incredible. Like, this man puts out more gold in a week than the best accounts do in a month. Here are the best tweets from a quick scroll down the timeline.

NBA Finals- who's your team?

— Matters of Size (@MoSNetwork) June 1, 2017

This is important, because you can only talk about penis size so much. Occasionally, the MoSNetwork needs to show that they're just some regular guys, paling around, talking about the big game. Just normal fella stuff.

Sometimes you don't feel motivated. Keep grinding.

— Matters of Size (@MoSNetwork) June 6, 2017

When it comes to matters involving the penis, I would say that some of the worst advice possible is keep grinding. Rubbing, sure. Caressing? Oh yeah. Find a partner and have some fun? Well, that one sounds great in theory, but a little harder to pull off in practice. Still, though. Sometimes I don't feel motivated, and I am really doubting that grinding my dick is the answer.

Every day in every way I am growing and becoming more.

— Matters of Size (@MoSNetwork) June 3, 2017

Because it's all about getting a bigger penis, get it?

Father's Day is coming up. Give your dad the gift of GAINS! https://t.co/hZva9QPqfp https://t.co/BuLEiXURiU

— Matters of Size (@MoSNetwork) June 10, 2017

Best Father's Day gift ever! I seriously can't stop laughing about this tweet. I have been trying to come up with a situation where a son would give this as a gift to his father. Like, first, the son has to have had something happen to lead him to the MoSNetwork. But then, on top of that, their father must be so mentally unstable that he talks to his son about how badly he wishes his penis was bigger. Like, this conversation would have had to have happened at some point.

Son: Great news, Dad. I got you a new pitching wedge.
Dad (stares off into the distance): That's great, son.
Son: What's wrong?
Dad: A pitching wedge? It just reminds me of how sad it is when I pitch a pants tent, and it's driving a wedge between me and potential mates.
Son: Wait, what?
Dad: I wish I had a bigger penis. If only there was a way...
Son: There is.
(Dad gives shocked expression with single tear of joy rolling down his face)

Well, I guess when you put it like that, it's pretty beautiful.

Thank you, Matters of Size. Without even going to your website, you have already given me plenty of content. Out of all of the penis exercise motivation websites that I've come across, I rank yours number one (out of one). Keep grinding.

The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen

Tailgating may be my favorite activity. It is just so damn American. A grill with your choice of meats, being able to drink cheap beers (if you're drinking fancy beers, you're not doing it right; Natty Light or GTFO) during the daytime and have it be socially acceptable, and a sporting contest to top it all off. I mean, dang, is there anything that can compete with that? Tailgating is the best, and it has given me some of my fondest memories.

That is why this one moment will always stick out for me. It stands out as the worst thing I have ever seen, because it was awful on its own, but made worse by happening during something so wonderful.

My buddy had friends tailgating in a good lot, so we met up with them, and most of them seemed like fine people. People were drinking, and some had their parents joining in on the festivities. Now, as a seasoned tailgater, I'm a great believer in the practice of "Checking for CDs." This is a classic move to avoid the lines at the porta-potties where you open up a car door where you search for some fresh tunes to play, and if you happen to unzip your pants and piss by the car door, hey, that's cool too.

A tailgater was using this classic ploy to subtly take a piss by a car when the worst thing I have ever seen happened. Another college student saw this, and said he was going to get the cops. I thought he was joking. But nope, instead of letting it be, because that is what any normal human being would do, he yelled for a police officer to come over and arrest him. I stood there, dumbfounded, as the police obliged and gave the guy a ticket for public urination, which was an offense that became incredibly costly a year before that.

Things actually got worse from there. The guy who called over the police officer continued to lament about how offensive it was that this guy was taking a piss. His friends, instead of rightly calling him out for being a total piece of shit, agreed with him. Then our hero shared his fears by stating, "I mean, my Mom is here and could have seen that." Yes, folks, the "that" that he is referring to, is a penis. Male genitalia. Apparently, he had such little faith in his own Mother that he thought that just seeing a random dick would make her leave his Dad, and start rubbing and sucking that dick until completion. This is what a son thought about his mother.

This was probably seven years ago, and I still tighten up in my chest thinking about it. Why someone would cost someone $300 for peeing in a secluded part of the parking lot. The guy wasn't flashing his dick; he was just looking for some relief, and I honestly didn't even notice the guy until that idiot started ranting about needing justice before his Mom saw a penis and needed to have it.

It's one thing if somebody is flashing their dick or rubbing inappropriately on someone, but if someone is being discreet, show some courtesy and let them be. Tailgating is one of the greatest things about America; don't be a piece of shit and ruin it.

Bloodstained Men Has the Most Important Cause of Our Lifetime

I recently learned about the advocacy group, Bloodstained Men, and they might be my favorite advocacy group of our time. These are people with passion, fashion, and soon they'll be cashin'...checks because everyone is going to donate to this cause. Here are the reasons that Bloodstained Men are the perfect group for our generation.

1. Their Cause Is Important
So what are the Bloodstained Men all about? They are trying to stop circumcision at all costs. These babies aren't consenting to circumcision, therefore, it should be illegal to do it. And this may just be the tip of the iceberg. If we have to have babies consent to everything, they are going to start earning more and more rights. Babies are also imprisoned while they sleep, so they may be looking to ban cribs next. Would it be such a bad thing to let babies vote? Personally, I'm ready for President Blues Clues. It can't be any worse than the current regime, AMIRITE. #ThanksObama #Nobama

2. They Have Stunning Visuals
Was that photo up top not enough? Okay, how about this one?

That is strong, but maybe this is more your style?

That is almost too hot. This should satisfy everyone.

Yep, that should do it.

3. They Have Catchy Catchphrases
Having an organization based on circumcision give you an incredible opportunity for catchphrases. Here are some quick ones that I came up with off the top of my head.

Give your dick some extra size
There's no need to circumsize.

Foreskin gives the ladies more skin.

Keep that knife away from my dick
Use it to spread butter real quick.

I'm glad you're not going after my testicles
Let me keep the resticles.

How about we all drink some Tang
Then you won't have to slice my wang.

It is wrong to cut my dong.

I might go into epileptic shock
If you try to cut my cock.

Some were clearly better than others, but these all took me about 45 seconds to come up with. Needless to say, I was pretty excited to find out what Bloodstained Men were able to come up when they had years to make the catchiest of catchphrases. This is what they came up with:

You don't have to cut his penis.
Let him keep his WHOLE penis.

Seriously? Rhyming penis with penis? That's it?

But here's the thing, it's still really catchy. If I was still in college, I would definitely dress in all-white coveralls with a red stain on my crotch for Halloween and scream that catchphrase the entire night. It would be one of the most fun Halloween costumes of all time (Note: If you do this, please send pictures or video to uncensoredwriting@gmail.com).

The message is so strong that the delivery doesn't even matter.

Thank you, Bloodstained Men. Thank you.

Jose Canseco Is Brilliant

Usually, I like to have a theme when I break down Jose Canseco tweets, but sometimes, I just feel that I need to break things down, even if there is no centralized plot line here. He has provided a potpourri of interesting items, and I would be remiss if I did not help share his thoughts with the world. Let's begin:

cancun is one of the best places i have been it should be named the capital of the caribean
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 4, 2012

I am above mocking Jose for his lack of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling, so let's just ignore all of those and focus on the message. This is where we run into problems. The first problem is that the Caribbean is basically just a generic name for islands in a certain part of the world. The second, and most important problem, is that Cancun is in Mexico, which is not even a part of the Caribbean. Not your best effort, Jose, but you'll get 'em next time.

Someone big wants me out of Mexico .question is who and y
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Who? That's easy...

K-Dogg is the most powerful man in Mexico, so if something's going down, he's got to be involved. But why is he doing this? Well, that's pretty goddamned obvious. Because he can. Arriba la raza!

I have a medical condition I wish I didn't have to use testosterone but I have no choice
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Although most people assume this medical condition was caused by excessive steroid use, those people are wrong. Sure, those people have "doctor's evidence" on their side, but a Ph.D. doesn't make you a genius. So what really caused his testosterone problem, you ask? Lack of hugs. So please, ladies and gentleman, give this man a hug.

Also, as a bonus, Jose Canseco has since deleted these, but my phone saved them to give me a chance to share these amazing tweets with the world:

What's long, veiny and muscular and wraps around your body
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

That is really what he wrote. There is clearly only one place that this joke is going, and it's clearly going to be Jose claiming he has a large penis. He hasn't done this in a while, but it is probably time for him to assert this so he can impress his Twitter followers. I guess I'll still read ahead to make sure I'm righ...wait, what? No fucking way. In a shocking upset, the punchline is...

My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

Wow. Just...wow. At this point, it is becoming a very real possibility that Jose Canseco is some sort of comedy genius. Nobody could not think penis with the opening of this riddle, and to come back with "My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me," deserves to be recognized. These are not tweets that should be deleted. These tweets should be taught to all young writers, because it is pure genius. God bless you, Jose Canseco. You inspire us all.

Jose Canseco And The Power Of Twitter

Jose Canseco loves Twitter. Although he will take extended breaks here and there. He always comes back to it, because those two were made for each other. Twitter uses Jose for cheap entertainment, and usually it's a one-way game where Jose continues to give and give, but things changed recently. Jose used Twitter and went from being unemployed to being paid to play baseball in one of the best party cities in North America. How did this all happen? Let's go through things.

Never give up your dream .I love baseball and I dream about playing again in the majors .just (cont) tl.gd/frsq8r
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Jose shared his dream of playing baseball again, hoping the Twitter world would notice and he could get back in the game that he loves. But instead of just hoping it would happen, he decided to spice things up to make sure that people would notice.

I fight for the truth and the right to play baseball
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

This is another amazing tweet from an amazing man. Jose Canseco fights for two things in this world. The first is the truth, which seems pretty reasonable. The second is the right to play baseball, something that I do not remember was a great struggle for revolutionaries throughout history. I don't think anyone is stopping Jose from playing baseball, but it would be quite a scene to see him at an old sandlot diamond and people chasing him off, as they said they didn't want his kind around here. He would assume it was for steroids, but in that small town, they probably just hate people who were on The Surreal Life and/or Celebrity Apprentice.

Life is not worth living if you can't try difficult things
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Baseball is difficult at any age that's y its the greatest
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

Jose takes it to the extreme, by saying life isn't worth living if you can't try difficult things, followed by saying that baseball is difficult. Ipso facto, if you do not let Jose play baseball, you are basically committing murder.

Do you haters need a hug think possitive and you will never hate again and good things will happen (cont) tl.gd/frtcag
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

This isn't an interesting tweet, because Jose has about a thousand that talk about haters, but it became interesting when he followed it with this tweet.

This is my baby chapstick . lockerz.com/s/182802536
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 11, 2012

I was so terrified to find out what his "baby chapstick" meant. It's not just me, baby chapstick could mean his dick, right? I mean, it's extremely self-deprecating, because chapstick is small enough, so baby chapstick is just sad. I reluctantly found out what it meant, and was very pleased that it was just his dog. And if you're asking what this has to do with getting him back in baseball. Hell, I don't know, but sure enough, the next day he drops this bomb.

Back in baseball I knew I would play this year you just gotta believe in your dreams .
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2012

And that's all it took. Just insinuate that you'll kill yourself if you don't get something, give your dog a name that could also describe your penis, post a picture, and boom, you're playing baseball again. Not only that, Jose is going to be playing for a team based in Cancun. Outside of trying to cheat on his girlfriend with college coeds on spring break, what will Jose be doing?

Never been to mexico before except border towns where i had some issues .can't wait to see mayans and there ruins they were badass
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 12, 2012

Um, who wants to be the bad guy? Anybody? Well, I guess I'll do it. As far as I know, there really aren't Mayans anymore, so I hope you aren't counting on hanging out with them on your journey. Little known fact about the Mayans, they aren't around anymore because the Spaniards took away their right to play baseball. Huge ritualistic suicide after they all wrote in their diaries how hard life is. Tough break.

But thanks to Twitter, suicide threats, and small dogs named after small dongs, Jose Canseco is back in baseball. Best of luck, Jose.

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part Three

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Watson's towel waving, Thomas's character, and Scalabrine's gingerness, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present Part Three.

Kurt Thomas – Bruce Mathis – Yes, these men both have hearts of gold.  Yes, they are great character guys.  On the surface, these are guys that you want as part of your team.  But then reality sets in.  Bruce Mathis, we don’t need your preachy goodness.  Kurt Thomas, you can’t character the ball in, and you can’t intangible somebody to stop them from scoring.  Kurt and Bruce, you are good guys, but if I never saw you again, I can’t say I’d lose any sleep over it.

C.J. Watson – Luther Mac – These two may not seem to have much in common at first glance, but they are surprisingly alike.  As we have learned from Mac’s Dad, he does have a softer side.  As we learned from the Denver game, Watson actually is a competent NBA point guard.  They seem like they’d be detrimental, but they’re not bad guys, and honestly pretty likeable.  Still, we’re all better off when they can’t do any harm to us like when Mac’s Dad is in jail, and Watson is on the bench.

    

James Johnson – Night Crawlers – He is best when he is only talked about but never actually seen.  He sounds so awesome, an athletic swingman who always tries hard on both ends of the floor.  But much like Night Crawlers is missing blankets, James Johnson is missing basketball skills.  If they added that missing piece, they could really be awesome.

John Lucas III – Gail The Snail – every time she is on the screen, you ask why. 

The same is true of Lucas.  She was only in one episode, and I think John Lucas III was in only one game.  You want to like him, because it’s not like you’re a vengeful person who needs to hate people for sucking, but let’s face it, Gail and Lucas are the worst.  You wish you could tolerate them, but they’re so awful that you just want to salt them until they leave.  Yes, I still haven’t forgiven Lucas for the loss in Denver.

Brian Scalabrine – Jack Kelly

Charlie’s uncle is extremely creepy, and what is creepier than a seven-foot tall ginger playing in the NBA?  Every time they are on the screen, you know you shouldn’t be watching it, but you can’t help but be intrigued.  Charlie’s uncle creeps out Charlie, and I can’t think of anyone who isn’t terrified when Scalabrine is on the court.   It doesn’t take much to imagine either of these two haunting your nightmares.

And that wraps up the series of how the Chicago Bulls are just like characters from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I really wish the Bulls had a bigger roster, because I would have really liked to work in the McPoyle's, Artemis, and the old lady who played Dennis's Grandma and played piano for The Nightman Cometh.  Maybe next year.

-Joe

P.S.  These pictures are awesome.

P.P.S.  This video is awesome.  Brire Gill is such a douche.