How To Stop A Knife Attack...With Your Butt

There are many defenses against a knife. Most rely on lightning quick handwork that will disarm the assailant. But not everyone is born with lightning quick hands. But they are blessed with a little something called a badonkadonk. And if you happen to be one of those people, then you are in luck.

You may think that jamming your body into a knife is a great way to get sodomized by a knife, but that's the worst case scenario. Much, MUCH more likely is that they have the blade parallel to your body so you have nothing to fear. You could easily disarm someone just by twerking the blunt side of the blade right out of their hand. At that point, the only blunt object you have to worry about is the boner in their pants as your assailant will inevitably fall in love with you.

The WWE Is Ruining... Kane

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, it is time to talk about the devil's favorite demon, KANE.

How is the WWE ruining Kane? Well, first off, this mayor of "Knox County," Tennessee is soooo dumb. Politics gimmicks never work, because they're always fake, and they're always stupid. Remember Hulk hogan running for president, or Bob Backlund running for president, or Linda McMahon running for congress? All fake and all dumb. This one is even dumber as they are claiming that he actually won the election. Yeah, and I'm the mayor of Parts Unknown.

There is only one thing that can take Kane or his new gimmick of Glenn Jacobs (what a stupid name for a mayor), and that is getting him a secretary. A secretary could bring out his worst instincts and help him turn back into the devil's favorite demon. But who should that secretary be? There is really only one choice.

Katie Vick.

I mean, it's perfect. The dead, possibly raped, body of Kane's former lover coming back from the dead to help him find his inner demon. Now, outside of Triple H mimicking sex with a dummy in a casket, we have never had a physical form to Ms. Vick. That may seem like a problem, but it's actually a huge opportunity as you could literally put anyone in that spot. If you don't think anyone can live up to the hype, make her a character like Vera from Cheers where she is only offscreen, pulling the strings.

Everyone agrees that Kane was at his best when Katie Vick was involved, and if you bring Vick back, there is no ceiling on his potential. Even if Katie Vick was a little crass for your personal tastes, you've gotta admit, it's a whole lot better than this Glenn Jacobs - Knox County Mayor gimmick, right?

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Dana Brooke

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we focus on another women's wrestler, and maybe the fittest woman on the roster, at least according to her success in fitness competitions, Dana Brooke.

Dana Brooke was originally brought up to be Emma's number two, but instead that gimmick took a number two when Emma got hurt one week after Brooke debuted. This left Brooke with nothing to do, and man has it showed, as she's been around for a year and a half, and it is tough to pick out a memorable impact she has had on the main roster.

They tried to make her Charlotte's protege for a while. She then turned on Charlotte after being repeatedly demeaned by her mentor. This led to her having a triple threat match for a shot at Charlotte, but she lost, so she's still waiting to give Charlotte her comeuppance. I can't wait for the WWE to wrap up that storyline.

Then, she found herself in #1 contender's matches nearly every month for a while after that. This sounds good, but they always involved anywhere from three to six women, and she was mostly there to take pins so...not exactly setting the world on fire. But things were about to change for Dana Brooke. For the better? Uh, that's debatable.

Dana Brooke joined up with Titus Worldwide as a secretary. That would be a very attitude era thing to happen, as then she could take her clothes off, much like Stacy Keibler's entire gimmick early on. But we are living in a different era, so Dana Brooke being a secretary just meant that now she had glasses and a notepad. I would say more about this period, but outside of Royal Rumbles and Battle Royals, nothing happened.

So now she has left Titus Worldwide, which is good, but what can you do with someone like Dana Brooke? Now this is definitely going to sound like a knock, and to a certain extent it is, but Dana Brooke does not belong in the title picture. But there is still value in what she can supply to the WWE. Really, I think the WWE had her pegged correctly when they initially introduced her. Let her be the muscle to help out another wrestler. Alexa Bliss already has a full stable of cronies with Mickie James and Alicia Fox, but a pairing with a heel Sasha Banks could make both seem formdiable. They're not going to let Ronda Rousey lose without shenanigans, so a Banks win isn't happening without help, but Brooke is ideal to provide that sort of help. If you don't go that route, have her help out Bianca Bel Air when she gets called up. Not that Bel Air needs the help as she is UN-DUH-FEAT-ED.

Still, Brooke can be valuable as a heel helper, and you can always give her wins over Natalya or Brie Bella, because they aren't really title contenders either, so they can have some secondary feuds.

Right now, the WWE is getting no value out of Dana Brooke, and that is a missed opportunity. With some slight changes and the alignment with a strong female, she can be an intimidating force. Not everyone gets to be a champion, but that doesn't mean she can't still influence things at the top of the card. Don't book it, Brooke It.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dash Wilder
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

5 Takeaways from the Iowa / Minnesota Game

Iowa overcame all the odds and somehow managed to win a game after a bye week. Although the final score was 48-31, that doesn't show how dominant Iowa managed to be in this game.. Here are my five takeaways from Iowa keeping Floyd of Rosedale with its proper owners.

Nate Stanley Is Improving
The most lasting memory from this game may be Nate Stanley's awful interception, but I'm going to chalk that up to a case of Nate Stanley hearing how awful Minnesota is at football and truly testing the limits of how awful they could be. It turns out they can catch an interception if you gently loft it directly into their chest. Good to know.

But the biggest takeaway is that Nate Stanley has improved leaps and bounds from last year in his ability to move within the pocket. He is seeing pressure and stepping up while keeping his eyes down the field, and it was instrumental in keeping Iowa marching down the field.

Feeling the pressure is still an issue as it led to a fumble and an errant throw, but considering the improvement that he has made in handling pressure, I certainly won't bet against him in getting a better feel for pressure. Nate Stanley is getting better, and that should make future Iowa opponents very concerned.

Trick Plays Are Fun When They Work
Could Iowa craft an entire offense out of plays where the offensive line is far away from the center? I think so. Anyway, the trick play for a TJ Hockenson touchdown was magnificent, and I enjoyed it so, so much. But I heard a lot of people complaining that it was "wasted" on Minnesota. Iowa showed they were way better than Minnesota, but that trick play meant that I could relax when Nate Stanley had a turnover, so it was totally worth it. Also, this trick play worked to perfection, and it gained four yards. It looked like if Hockenson needed to, he is getting five, maybe six yards. If we don't use that play then, when exactly are we going to find a more ideal time to use it? Just be happy and enjoy the good times, and know that LeVar Woods has at least 30 more of these.

Julius Brents...Yes Please
(Insert Heart Emoji Eyes Here) My God, Julius Brents. Minnesota tried multiple strategies against Brents yesterday. The first was to avoid him at all costs. That strategy was definitely the most effective. The second strategy was try to throw his way. That strategy led to Brents continually breaking up passes and making an incredible interception. And this is not a man who has grinded with the program and refined his skills. He is a true freshman who made his first start yesterday. Iowa has had some incredible defensive backs. Bob Sanders, the criminally underrated Jovon Johnson, and Desmond King and Josh Jackson over the last couple years. Brents showed the skills where he could be mentioned along those greats at the end of his Iowa tenure. I already love this guy.

Riley Moss - The Best Bad Debut Ever
Instead of attacking Brents, they went after another Freshman making his first start, Riley Moss. Now, anytime a white cornerback shows up, all simple football brains must immediately think, "Is this the next Jason Sehorn?" As an Iowa fan, I realized that Adam Shada was a very real possibility, and that is more what we got. Minnesota went after Moss, and they had a lot of success doing it. Even addressing the bad, it's still good to see that his fundamentals were strong and he was staying close to guys, just not quite close enough.

On the bright side, he ended up with two interceptions, and interceptions are the ultimate way to judge a good cornerback. Therefore, as much as I like Julius Brents, I must admit that Moss is twice as good.

In all seriousness, Moss played admirably, but he's not quite ready for the big time. Still, two interceptions is really freaking cool, so good for him.

Shout Out to TJ Hockenson
I just want to give a shout out to TJ Hockenson as the Iowa pass catcher that I trust the most. If I see a ball thrown near Hockenson, I have so much confidence that he can actually come down with it, where I don't have anywhere near that confidence with anybody else. Brandon Smith might be second in my completely arbitrary rankings, but let's shout out Hockenson, Iowa's other tight end, because he's a guy who knows how to create separation and catch footballs. Noah Fant may be the most talented tight end in Iowa history (I know that's a bold statement, but NFL.com currently ranked him as the sixth best prospect in the nation), but Hockenson ensures that even though Fant will be missed, it won't likely be a huge dropoff in production.

Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Conor McGregor - Who Wins?

Tonight is the night of one of the most anticipated fights in UFC history. For the casual fan, it might be the biggest fight ever as McGregor has become the biggest crossover star in UFC history. Bigger than Lesnar, bigger than Rousey, even bigger than Aaron Brink (this is obviously figuratively, not literally). Meanwhile, Khabib Nurmagomedov is his greatest challenger. Not only does this fight have a ton of hype, but it is also incredibly interesting as both fighters have a way to win.

Each fighter's goal is obvious. For McGregor, he needs to keep distance and stay on his feet as he is vastly superior as a striker. I have been a McGregor hater for a long time as I continue to underestimate the guy. This is me being very dumb and also being slow to recognize that his training methods, although sometimes silly as shit, have been incredibly effective. Conor has always had power, but his movement in the cage and his ability for lightning quick strikes have gotten leaps and bounds better, and that is why he has had continued success despite most people feeling he is fairly one dimensional. "All you have to do is take him down," they say. But that is far easier said than done.

Meanwhile, Khabib has the opposite goal. Close the distance. That's it. It's not even getting takedowns, because those will happen if he can close the distance, but even in the clinch, McGregor is going to be so preoccupied with staying on his feet that Khabib can dominate McGregor without ever getting him to the mat. But if Nurmagomedov does get him on the ground? Oh yeah, McGregor is fucked. That's not because McGregor is incompetent on the ground; it's that everybody gets dominated when Khabib puts them on the mat. His positioning and body control are a thing of beauty, and it allows him to rain down strikes no matter how his opponent tries to escape.

McGregor is unmatched on the feet, and Khabib is unmatched on the ground. It is as basic of a matchup as the first UFC cards, just that these guys are using such advanced weapons that it's almost unrecognizable that the fights from 25 years ago are even the same sport from the fights today. And that classic contrast just adds to the excitement, as even though this fight is close on paper, it's really tough to see one guy not dominating the other. Somebody is going to figure out their game plan, and once they do, that other guy is screwed.

Ultimately, I am going to risk underestimating McGregor again, and I'm going with Khabib. Khabib's defense is very suspect standing up, but nobody has been able to take real advantage of it. Khabib isn't just undefeated; he's never lost a round to any of his opponents. McGregor is the best striker he's ever faced, but that's because McGregor is on an Anderson Silva level of striking these days where he can flick jabs with such lightning precision that they can drop opponents. Still, Khabib is in a good camp, and I just see him finding a way to get inside and take McGregor down. Once he has a chance to beat on McGregor, it'll take some pep out of his step, and it's just going to get easier from there. McGregor is incredible, but he can be physically broken. He got broken by Diaz in their first fight; he got broken by Mayweather, and I see him getting broken by Khabib tonight. I'm not counting McGregor out, but I have to pick Khabib. The only outcome I'd be surprised with is that if this fight goes the distance as either McGregor knocks out Khabib or Khabib breaks McGregor.

It's as simple as that, and I can't wait.

How To Defend Against Guns...And HUGS

Guns are scary, right? If somebody pointed a gun at you, would you know what to do? It may seem like insurmountable odds, but there is a method that will neutralize any shooter. The somersault.

How to work against a gun, as well as couple coronal techniques! #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #workagainstgun #workagainstgun #fighting pic.twitter.com/Jg5OyqbZH3

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) July 4, 2017

It's pretty simple. You just somersault, and the shooter will no longer be aiming his gun at you. He will still be aiming at chest level, but your chest is now on the ground, so he won't come close to hitting you. The beauty of the somersault as opposed to a simple sprawl is that you have now closed the distance and set yourself up for a brutal kick to the nuts.

Afterwards, you may be tempted to try to disarm the man with the gun. Don't even worry about that part. Instead, stand up and try a very awkward neck takedown that has never been used effectively in mankind's history. But mankind has never seen a person like you, and you are the one that will make great use of this. Obviously, after your neck takedown, you should go back to the nut strikes. The assailant will only be able to sadly cradle his gun, because you have destroyed his frank and beans with your vicious elbows. Chicks, dudes, and even some farm animals will totally want to bang you.

And folks, I have some wonderful news. We have a second technique to talk about.

As with the gun problem, we all know that we can be killed with violence. But there is also an expression of "Kill them with kindness." This may not seem like a literal issue, but it actually is. Have you ever found yourself trapped in a group hug? It can be terrifying, but fear not, my beautiful friend. There is hope.

You just twist as hard as you can and turn their love against them. Haha, look at those suckers who just wanted to show that they cared. Now the only thing they'll be caring for is their wounds from their vicious fall to the ground. It is the best revenge against family and friends. Afterwards, you can say something cool like, "Love hurts, motherfucker."

The WWE Is Ruining... Charlotte Flair

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we go with the queen bee of the women's division, Charlotte Flair.

Charlotte Flair has, without a doubt, been the most important wrestler of the WWE's women's movement. I'm pretty sure she's been the first everything outside of the Fabulous Moolah, wait, not so fast, non-memorial Women's Battle Royal, and the only reason she didn't win that was because she was busy ending a historical undefeated streak and turning Asuka into someone who cannot overcome someone cosplaying her or the undeniable talents of Carmella.

But I've got to admit, this one is going to be short, because the WWE isn't really ruining Charlotte Flair. I can't say that pushing someone too much is ruining them, because she's kept the top spot, has entertaining matches, and people care about Charlotte. If she gets pushed to the moon, good for her.

The only thing I can really offer is a slight adjustment to her character. When Charlotte walks into a room, she's a damn presence. She is tall, blonde, and I mean this as a compliment, built like a brick shithouse. That makes her a tad tough to relate to, as most of us are not physical marvels. So just let her be a heel. Let her be a shitty person. Let her worry about material things. In short, let her be a Flair.

If she's a Flair, it's kind of an ideal feud for Becky Lynch, and those two could go off and on for years and still keep it fresh. Obviously, those two are your alphas, but you can still work in others to keep things interesting. Still, just make Charlotte a true Flair, but everything else seems to be going pretty well. Nice job, WWE.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Dash Wilder
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... The Revival

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I continue the series with Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder. Before we get started, I think we need to recognize F...T...R. In the words of Flip Gordon, Forever The Revival.

I will admit that I got very nervous about last week's Raw in writing this column. The Revival got a tag title match against McZiggler, and they had me believing that they might actually win the thing. It was a great match and definitely the highlight of Raw. Hell, it may have been the highlight of the last six months of Raw, but unfortunately, they fell short. Now, I say unfortunately, as that's how I feel in the grand scheme of things, but fortunately for me in writing this article as otherwise, I really wouldn't have had much to say.

Since being called up, the WWE has done close to nothing with them. I really think last week was by far their biggest moment. They couldn't even beat the B Team, they've had their asses kicked by a bunch of old dudes on the 25th Anniversary of Raw, but WWE can't take total blame as The Revival has had terrible injury luck since getting called up, and it's tough to give a big push to a team that can't wrestle.

But that last word is key: Wrestle. These boys can flat out put on amazing matches, but they just haven't had the chance to do that. Honestly, when I looked up their win-loss record, it's actually pretty decent, but they manage to make every win as unimportant as possible. They also do them no favors by putting them against teams that are pretty bland wrestlers. B-Team, Gallows/Anderson, Bray/Matt Hardy are all fine, but can you name any memorable matches that those teams have put on? Hell, if you take out matches at The Hardy Compound, the only memorable matches any of those guys have had are the ones that are laughably bad from Bray Wyatt. 

So, my simplistic and novel solution is put The Revival against actual tag teams. The Raw roster should work perfect for them as The Revival could put on great matches with AOP, and I would very much like to see them take on a reunited American Alpha. Plus, a fun one in my head is Revival vs. Lashley and Lio Rush. And although it may not be on the level of the previous options, Breezango could definitely put on a fun match with them when Fandango gets back. And considering the depth of talent in the tag division of NXT, there are plenty of options for future opponents as well.

If you're looking for a bold move for The Revival, I have a plan. Give them another shot at the tag titles and have them win it. Then, with Dean Ambrose needing some gold, he tags up with Seth Rollins to take on The Revival. Obviously, The Revival wins, and Ambrose blames Rollins for the loss as he's just concerned about his singles title instead of helping Dean get gold, and yes, The Revival is the reason for The Shield to breakup.

I'm not saying you have to do that, but giving the 15 minutes to wrestle matches, even if they can't immediately be for the title, just seeing these guys wrestle as a well-oiled machine will get fans behind them, and they'll be the bad guy tag team that we boo vociferously, but we do it for the fun of booing, as we all secretly love everything they do in the ring. 

FTR - FOREVER THE REVIVAL


Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Tyler Breeze