Thursday, April 28, 2011

Live Blogging The 2011 NFL Draft

For me, watching the NFL Draft as a Chicago Bears fan is a lot like having a girlfriend who is bad at fellatio. Despite already knowing that you will be disappointed, you always look forward to it happening, thinking this will be the time where things don't go horribly wrong. Afterwards, you are left wondering why God has cursed you in such a cruel way. Anyway, let's hope that the Bears have learned to tuck their teeth (metaphorically) and will finally have a great draft this year.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I have decided to live-blog the 2011 NFL Draft as well as shadow drafting for the Chicago Bears.

Check back often for updates throughout the day (Note: All times are CST).

9:00 AM
My early prediction for the draft is that Blaine Gabbert falls much further than people expect. I don't see him going in the Top-5 and won't be surprised if he falls out of the Top-10. Also, a lot of people think 4-5 quarterbacks will be taken, but I think that there will only be three, and possibly only two.

My hopeful picks for the first day of the draft involving the NFC North:
Minnesota Vikings - Jake Locker
Detroit Lions - Aldon Smith
Chicago Bears - Robert Quinn (Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?)
Somewhat Realistic Chicago Bears - Gabe Carimi
Realistic Chicago Bears - Derek Sherrod or Danny Watkins
Green Bay Packers - Nate Solder

12:10 PM
With the draft still six or seven hours away (I should probably check when that starts), there isn't a whole lot to comment on regarding that. But yesterday, I went to Target, the classy person's Wal-Mart, to get earphones since my last pair were broken by a half-retarded Weimaraner. The only pair they had were hot pink. I had to buy them, but I feel like this may hurt the total badass image I have created at my gym. I plan on grunting more to make up for it.

Here is a really good story about Adrian Clayborn, who is one of the few guys who I think can fit in well as a 3-4 or a 4-3 end, although I'd give the slight edge to 4-3.

Still, nothing going on with the draft, but I figure I'll update this page with something. A lot of people have seen Tom Haverfoods, but this creation from the mind of Ron Swanson is the most amazing food-related thing to come out of Parks & Recreation.
That's right. A fried turkey leg inside of a hamburger. I will marry the first girl to make me that.

Things are obviously still pretty slow. If anybody would like to ask questions, even if they are completely irrelevant, I will answer them for your infotainment (I'll be shocked if I receive one question).

Here is a video of a guy who is flying up draft boards. Larry Federoff, a long snapping trick shot artist.

At 9:00 AM, I predicted that Blaine Gabbert would fall in the draft. Now there is actually a report that I may be right.

This whole article is good, but this picture is amazing.

I'm already sick of Berman. This could be a long night.

Although I don't think Cam Newton is worthy of the number one pick (I heart Patrick Peterson), he is still the best QB prospect in this draft. People who rated other QBs higher than him are not evaluating the talent. Yes, a different QB could be better than him (maybe my boy Greg McElroy), but judging a guy on talent and potential, Newton is by far the best QB available. But I still wouldn't have taken him number one.

I love Von Miller, but I am incredibly disappointed to see him drafted into a 4-3 scheme. I think he could be an absolute monster in a 3-4 scheme as a blitzing outside linebacker. There are definitely ways to use Von Miller in a 4-3, but I'd want to see a heavy blitzing style to truly utilize his talents. This pick just bums me out.

I love the Arizona Cardinals pick of Patrick Peterson. Some will complain that they don't "need" a corner, but everybody can use a Patrick Peterson. Dude is a stud. If cornerbacks can go into Beast Mode, Patrick Peterson will be there every game.

I love the trade for the Browns. They don't have a lot of talent, so stockpiling picks is a wise decision. Also, I like the trade for the Falcons. Did they give up a lot? Yes. But that offense just got a whole lot better, and this is a team that can win the Super Bowl. They needed another impact talent, and I think they got him. I know Gruden is freaking out about dropped passes, but he elevated his game in big games and won the battle against Patrick Peterson, so the guy has the skills to be a great player.

I was in the middle of writing about Aldon Smith being the worst pick of the first round when, holy shit, Jake Locker got selected one pick after him. Jake Locker's great asset is toughness. I would rather my QB avoid hits and get rid of the ball. Also, I'd like him to read the field. Oh yeah, and I'd like him to throw the ball accurately. These are all things that Jake Locker does not do, but maybe being able to scan a field and throw a good ball are overrated traits for a quarterback.

I'd like to point out that I had Blaine Gabbert dropping in this draft. I think him getting picked tenth proves my genius. Also, I still think he sucks. He was in an offense that was made for gaudy statistics and didn't put up statistics.
In unrelated news, I will not be happy if Robert Quinn goes to the Vikings or Lions.

First off, thank you Minnesota Vikings.
Next off, um, hum, I really hope Nick Fairley is lazy more often than not, because if he hustles, the Lions could absolutely annihilate the middle of offensive lines. This is a great fit. Jim Schwartz is a great coach. You put him in between another young linemen with a ton of talent in Suh and a great veteran presence like Kyle Vanden Bosch. This makes a ton of sense, and terrifies me as a Bears fan.

Yeah, the Rams just got the steal of the draft. I love Robert Quinn. The guy is a Top-5 talent. That guy is going to be a beast.

I don't like Kerrigan in a 4-3. I hate him in a 3-4.
Also, the Patriots will take Cam Jordan here, because he is awesome and the Patriots like drafting awesome players. I hate the Patriots for this.

Scratch that. They just took the guy I thought was the most overrated player in the draft. I now like the Patriots for drafting him.
I will now predict that the Chargers select Cameron Jordan.

Even when Berman prepares material, it still sucks, and somehow, may even suck more than his regular annoyance.

I'm obviously happy that Clayborn went 20th to Tampa Bay. I honestly don't understand the bust talk. At worst, he's an above average starter. By all accounts, he's an incredibly hard worker. Congratulations to the first Hawkeye taken off the board.

The Cleveland Browns are building the 2002 Chicago Bears defense, and I LOVE IT. Not since Sam Adams and Ted Washington teamed together have we seen this much beef in the middle of a defensive line. I have been screaming for teams to do this, and I'm super excited to see my experiment in action.

We may disagree with a lot of things that Roger Goodell does, but him bringing out US Military and getting a USA chant going right before a Canadian was picked was an awesome maneuver. Way to stick it to Canada. By the way, I really like Watkins as a player, but USA ALL THE WAY.

This draft is setting up to be the satisfying fellatio that I have fantasized about. Carimi is falling. Please God, let this finally happen. As someone who has had to watch Cutler play quarterback, I have suffered enough, tuck your teeth and give me the lineman I desire.

Thank you Bears. This is the happiest I have ever been with the NFL Draft, and there are still two days left. It's official. The Bears have learned to tuck their teeth.

Just in case it wasn't blatantly obvious, here is my Bears shadow draft pick.

Round one is over, and overall, a pretty good night for the Bears. Yes, the Lions got a beast, but he's still a head case, so maybe he'll bomb out. The Vikings reached big time. And the Packers got a good player, but I'd rather have Carimi at tackle. Plus, they didn't steal Ingram or Cam Heyward, so I can actually sleep well as a Bears fan for a change.

Have a wonderful night everybody.


P.S. Although filming hasn't begun yet, this is going to be the greatest movie in the history of cinema.

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