Monday, October 31, 2011

A Pessimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes


Optimism is for suckers. Yesterday, a positive outlook on the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes was posted on this blog. I am here to tell you that the person who wrote that is delusional, because the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are terrible. They have a zero percent chance of winning another game this year.

Listen, if you're a Hawkeyes fan, your life is terrible, and it's only going to get worse. You have a good family? You were probably adopted. You love your girlfriend? She'll dump you soon. There's good comedies on TV? They'll probably be replaced by syndicated episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory. And you'll always have Natty Light? They'll probably be bought out by some shit beer company like Sam Adams and turned into some awful tasting micro brew. And don't expect the Hawkeyes to get better, because they are so awful that they might get kicked out of the B1G to join some second-rate conference like the Big 12.

Seriously, take a look at these losses.

Iowa @ Iowa State
God hates me and my entire family. My family has attended three schools that Iowa State has played this year, and Iowa State is 3-0 against those schools, and 1-4 against everybody else.  Iowa, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech somehow can't beat these pieces of shit, but Baylor will put a hurtin' on them. But unlike Northern Iowa and Texas Tech, Iowa should have been a good football team. Now they'll be lucky to win another game this decade.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive. Are you fucking kidding me?

Iowa @ Minnesota State
Okay, with a coach like Hayden Fox having help from Luther and Dobber, yeah, Minnesota State is not going to be an easy team to beat. That's a quality loss...wait, what? You're joking, right? We lost to regular Minnesota? Haven't they been outscored like a billion to seven this season? And they won? Oh, Christ, burn down Kinnick Stadium, we no longer deserve football.

And shit doesn't get better as the season goes on.

Michigan - Expect the Hawkeyes to get Denarded.

Michigan State - That overrated piece of shit Kirk Cousins will mesmerize the Hawkeyes with his crystal blue eyes and give all the sports pundits reason to nut all over themselves with how great of a leader he is.

Purdue - They're good enough to beat Minnesota, which is more than Iowa can say.

Nebraska - This isn't going to be a rivalry, it's going to be a snuff film.

Seriously, Hawkeye fans, don't get your hopes up. This season is over. Next season is over, and after that, they will probably disband the football team to focus on their Club Lacrosse team. Life sucks.

-Joe

P.S. Okay, so not even I can be completely negative. Steel Panther's album drops today. And I cannot wait for Tomorrow Night (by the way, there is nothing safe for work about this video).

Sunday, October 30, 2011

An Optimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

So the Hawkeyes lost to Minnesota yesterday, and that's a bummer. But put away the rat poison, Hawkeye fans, this is not the end of the world for the Hawkeyes. There are so many things to live for: Friends, family, episodes of Workaholics and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Natural Light, and yes, even the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes.

Wait, what? The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes stink at football in your opinion? I guess I could see how you would think that. But I've got great news...the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are still going to go to a BCS game this season. How is that possible? Well, before we look into the future, we must first take a look at the past.

Iowa @ Iowa State
Remember this game? I bet you were super bummed out when the game ended. I know I sure was, but then I realized that despite not playing all that well, it very much appeared that the Hawkeyes tried that day. So that was nice. The gods were against the Hawkeyes on this day, as Steele Jantz, who is only slightly better than Rob Bolden (who we'll get to later) made a deal with Satan to beat the Hawkeyes. Yes, Steele, you may have gotten the win, but I know the Hawkeyes will win the war as all of your children are cursed to be eunuchs.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive in this game. Literally, every bounce went Penn State's way in the first half. Sometimes them's the breaks. Iowa is the better team, and I am sure they will show that to their future opponents.

Iowa @ Minnesota
Wow, I did not see this one coming. And neither did the Hawkeyes. Whoopsies! A surprise onside kick? Shoot, that was a good call Mr. Kill. The bounces did not seem to go the Hawkeyes way at all in this one. But at least Kirk went for it on fourth down. That's progress.

And progress is what we will need as the Hawkeyes take out every one of their remaining opponents. How can a team that lost to Minnesota and Iowa State beat respectable teams? That's easy, with Loyalty, Heart, Horniness, and Respect, and the Hawkeyes have those in abundance.

Loyalty will defeat Michigan next weekend. They had no loyalty towards Lloyd Carr, and then none for Rich Rodriguez. I expect Brady Hoke to be fired by the end of the first half and replaced by Hugh Jackman, since he plays Wolverine in movies. WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Heart will defeat Michigan State. Their coach had a heart attack, which means that his entire team has a weak heart. Expect a triple bypass sometime in the second quarter. That's right, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Horniness will help the Hawkeyes slay Purdue. How will horniness do this? Well, if there's one thing that all Hawkeyes love to do, it's beat up the bush. In this case, it will be Caleb TerBush, who will be on the ground nonstop as the Hawkeyes beat it up. Three in a row, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Respect will defeat Nebraska. Have you seen those Pelinis yell at refs? Not very respectful at all. Expect the refs to eject half of the Cornhuskers as Iowa destroys them by 50 points. ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

After that, it's up in the air on who the Hawks will play, but tattoos will be their downfall. Ohio State? They lack moral fiber as they have both scandals AND tattoos. Wisconsin? Bielema's got a Hawkeye tattoo, and he paid for it with his brain. And Penn State? Little known fact about Joe Paterno, after last year's loss to the Hawkeyes, he got a tattoo on his caboose that just said "Ferentz's", because Kirk owns that ass. Sounds like ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Yeah, the Hawks have had some bad luck this year, but a BCS game is not only a possibility, it's the Hawkeyes destiny. Cheer up Hawks, and I'll see you at DC's next Saturday.

-Joe

P.S. For all the ladies out there who live, laugh, and love, read this (H/T Devlin).

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Great Moments in Professional Wrestling History: "The Bet"

Chris Jericho, Christian, Trish Stratus, and Lita were involved in one of the greatest storylines in WWE history. Although, it comes nowhere near the depravity of The Katie Vick saga, in my opinion, it was just as hilarious. Our story will focus on Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus, but given the proper time, even Christian and Lita could be classified as one of the greatest love stories in history.

If there's one thing everybody knows about women, it's that they LOVE to be treated like shit. Some would say that the romance between Jericho and Stratus didn't start until months after this video, but I really feel that this is the first step in Jericho's seduction of Trish Stratus.

I mean, what girl wouldn't love being barked at? And it is always smooth to imply that the girl is a slut, and that she wants to enter your bone zone, or as Jericho puts it, that she "wants an injection of Vitamin C." Although her mouth says that he's delusional, her eyes tell a far different story. I mean, I know that every time that I have barked at an attractive young lass, she has had to walk away while screaming what she wants to do to me ("Fuck you"). Clearly, the sexual tension became too much for her. This is why I have mad respect for Jericho's game.

Months later, despite Jericho and Christian being seen as "bad guys," they began coming to the aid of Trish and Lita. Lita was not receptive to Christian's advances, but Trish did seem to warm up to Jericho as they became "good friends." It was time for Christian to step in.

Christian goes to Trish and implies violence towards her, because he wants her to stay away from his friend. Now the AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) out there would think that he is killing Jericho's game, but the pickup artists out there can see that Christian is actually just being an excellent wingman. Not only is Jericho now a forbidden fruit for Trish, but the implication of violence will only heighten the sexual tension between the two. Good looking out, Christian. And on that note, let me reiterate how great of a wingman Christian is during this whole affair. This is the girl that Jericho is pursuing...
And this is what Christian is going after...
JESUS CHRIST. Talk about taking one for the team. I want to party with Christian, because it is clear that if we see a hot girl with an ugly girl, he'll take anything. Christian, I salute you, and will forever consider myself one of your Peeps.

Now back to the love story.

Eventually, with the help of Ultimate Wingman, Christian, Trish fell in love with Jericho. Those two love birds were making out for three straight weeks, as she loved everything that Jericho was telling her. In fact, she fell so in love with Y2J that she even had a custom-made Jericho hockey jersey for him. But, I wouldn't have wasted all this time to tell you about any old love story. No love story is simple, and there was more to this one than what met the eye.Sure, Trish is a cute girl, but come on, there had to be more as to why he spent this much time seducing her, and this video shows us exactly what was on the line.

Yes, Christian and Jericho had a "She's All That" like bet where they wagered one dollar...Canadian on who could sleep with their girl first. I will never get tired of this video, as it is nonstop hilarity. Here is a list of everything great about this video:
1. Christian's explanation of the moment that he had with Lita, followed quickly by him saying, "She's digging this."
2. Jericho, an adult male, bragging about making out with Trish for three weeks while not closing the deal. If I'm going to brag to my buddies about something, it will not be making out with a girl for three weeks while she continually turns me down for sex.
3. Jericho: She's been falling for everything I've been saying, it's been absolutely pathetic. Pathetic!
4. Christian retorting, "I know you're into that huggy, kissing, cuddling stuff."
5. Christian following it up with probably my favorite lines of, "Trish is a prude. She's a prude. She's locked at the knees. Lita...Lita's extreme. She's extreme!" This has actually inspired me to start referring to girls as extreme, as I think it's a hilarious way to secretly imply that a girl is a whore.
6. Jericho's impression of Trish, "I've never felt this way before," and him quickly following it up with, "She's gonna be feeling something she's never felt before tonight."
7. Revealing that this whole thing was for a bet.
8. Revealing that they wagered one dollar...Canadian for the bet.
9. Jericho referring to the Paris Hilton sex tape.
10. Jericho then claiming that his sex that night would be a "Highlight Reel," which is another thing I plan on stealing from this video.
11. Trish Stratus...ACTING! How did she not get an Emmy for this performance? Her tears feel so real.

So the romance ended, but there was still one great moment left in this saga, and that is a tag team match with Lita and Trish squaring off against Jericho and Christian. Usually, I would find these matches pretty boring, and part one only has a few good moments, but here's Part Two, where Christian, well, just watch:

CLOTHESLINE! He straight folded her up. Great job, Christian.

And so ends one of the great angles in professional wrestling history, "The Bet." It had everything that you could possibly want, seduction, love, betrayal, and most importantly, clotheslines! I'm so inspired that I'm done with all that huggy, kissing, cuddling stuff, and it's time I find me a girl who's EXTREME.

-Joe

P.S. Are Rex Ryan and Kenny Powers the same person? Maybe.

P.P.S. In that picture, I immediately identified the player as Aeneas Williams. I'm not sure if I should be bragging or really disappointed that I knew that so easily.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Falsities of College Football

Today, I perform a public service announcement. I am going to let you know about all the lies that are being spread by the national pundits. I figured I would at least give one note on every BCS Conference, although some things will be handled in more depth than others. So sit back, read on, and learn a few things about college football; it'll help you impress the ladies.


Marcus Coker Turned His Season Around During the Northwestern Game
No, he did it during the Penn State game. It's just that Penn State's defense is really good, and people like to judge running backs by their stats. But if you saw him run during that game, you saw the Coker that has been so obviously there during Iowa's last two games. He ran hard and was always falling forward. That is what the Hawkeyes need from Coker, and it all started against Penn State, not Northwestern.

The Big East Isn't a Giant Mess of Hot Garbage.
No, it is. Seriously, if the Conference USA and Mountain West can form a super conference, then the Big East should join with the MAC to create one giant mess of hot garbage. I don't understand how this is a BCS Conference.

Kirk Cousins is Such a Great Quarterback
False. This is so very untrue it is painful anytime I hear it. Does Kirk Cousins give nice speeches? Yes. Does he have crystal blue eyes? Yes, he definitely does. I cannot take either of these things away from him. Unfortunately, neither of these things matter when it comes to judging quarterbacks. He has looked awful this entire season. He makes bad decisions, he has bad ball placement, and overall, I do not trust him in any facet of the game. Was he 22/31 for 290 yards and 3 TDs against Wisconsin? Yes, and Wisconsin's defense is not good in any way. I was listening to the Solid Verbal podcast, and they made an excellent point about the final drive for Michigan State against Wisconsin. Kirk Cousins didn't look like a savvy leader rallying his troops; he looked terrified. Kirk Cousins did not win that game, special teams won that game.

Oklahoma State is the Team to Beat in the Big 12
Sorry OSU, but it's still Oklahoma. I know they have already lost a game in a pathetic effort against Texas Tech. But they are still the best team in the conference. They lost for one simple reason: No Tom Wort. Now most people don't see Wort as their best linebacker, and honestly, he's not, but he is their most ULTIMATE linebacker.
The Ultimate Warrior and him have a love affair going on, and with the power of the Ultimate Warrior behind the Sooners, they are basically an unstoppable force.

LSU Will Beat Alabama - Alabama Will Beat LSU
Anybody who is saying this definitively is out of their mind. Obviously one of these groups will be right, but that doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. It means they made the right guess. It is going to be a very good game, so don't act like you know what's going to happen. Just sit back and enjoy some good football.

Suck For Luck 
This has more to do with professional teams, but it does involve a college player in Andrew Luck, so I figured it would fit. No NFL team is sucking for Luck. I was on the Luck bandwagon after his Freshman year, because he's really, really good, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that. He is BY FAR the best quarterback prospect to come out of college in the last decade.

What people don't understand is that this doesn't mean he is going to come into the league and be a top-five quarterback. In fact, I will be very surprised if he does anywhere near as well as Cam Newton has done so far. Does that make Cam Newton a better QB? No, not in my opinion. Cam Newton has a unique skillset, and that will take NFL Defenses time to adjust to it, and because of that, I think Newton will struggle more as this season goes on.

Um, yeah, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sucking for Luck. It makes no sense for a player to not try so they can get the first pick in the draft, because they might get replaced if they don't perform. It makes no sense for coaches to lose on purpose, because they will lose their job. Nobody is sucking for Luck.

And next year, nobody will be Losing More For Lattimore (And if I hear that expression next year, I will probably start cutting myself).

-Joe

P.S. Let's see how Jose Canseco is doing:
@JoseCanseco
Maybe I was the babe Ruth of the 80's
Just as I suspected, he's still doing great.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Only Problem With Natural Light

I have always known that nobody is perfect, but now it seems that nothing in this world is perfect. The closest thing to perfection, without a doubt, is Natrual Light. It goes down like water, it's cheap, it screams party, and it is always reliable to get you drunk, but never wasted.

Unfortunately, that first point is actually a flaw. Before all you beer snobs think that a beer with little taste is a bad thing, it's not, so you can shove your fancy beers up your ass and hope your bidet can clean things out for you. With that being said, Natural Light may be a little too close to water.

See, I'm a man in my mid-late twenties (I refuse to classify 27 as late 20s, although 28 means it's probably time for a nursing home...until I turn 28, and then 28 will be young again), so when I drink all day and all night, it leads to hangovers. The best thing for a hangover is chocolate milk, trust me on that, but if I'm not in the mood for that, I like to replenish myself with the classic cure of water.

Alcohol, which Natural Light contains, is a poison, and my body recognizes that. My body has a short-term memory, so it never tries to tell me to stop while I am poisoning it, but if I try to repoison it, my body tries to reject that. So, what I have learned is that water is extremely hard to drink after a Natty Light hangover due to the fact that my body thinks I am repoisoning it. I am trying to help my body, but my body makes water, which has no flavor, taste bad to my mind. My body can literally not tell the difference between water and Natural Light. This is not fun, because the rehydration process is not easy without water, so my hangovers last much longer than they did in my youthful days. As an advocate for Natural Light, it was depressing to discover its incorrectable flaw.

So, that leads us to this very difficult question. Am I done drinking Natural Light?

The answer...

Fuck no. I'm just done drinking water when I'm hungover. A person can die without water, but a person has no reason to live without Natural Light.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not sure what the most shocking thing is in this article about Hawkeyes Cornerback B.J. Lowery. That his name is Fernando, or that B.J. stands for Boots Junior. Although, I would like to now think that every B.J. is referring to Boots Junior. I remember Hawkeye and Chicago Bulls legend, Boots Junior Armstrong, and you see that chick over there in the corner, I wouldn't mind if she gave me a Boots Junior.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wedding Week - The Recap

Okay, I admit this is horribly late, but after giving a two part preview (Part One and Part Two) of a wedding, I never came back and actually reported what went down over those three alcohol-filled days. The reason it took so long is it has taken this long for me to wash the shame and disgust off my body from that weekend. So here's what happened (to the best of my recollection):

Thursday - Bachelor Party
Scottie, The Groom, and I went out and played a round of golf to waste away our afternoon before grilling out that evening. A lot of good people showed up to grill out and then we headed to the bars to drink more heavily. This actually wasn't too wild of a night. The highlights included me humping butts on the dance floor and DW flashing some game (and his credit card) while seducing a very attractive young lady (and paying for her drinks). My prediction highlight happened on this night (which you can see in part two), as two of our buddies were wrestling around outside of the bar, and Cory was the one knocked to ground, giving us great laughs as he bled on the pavement.

I know this sounds like a weak bachelor party, but it was the second bachelor party, and the first one got pretty ugly. Actually, come to think of it, although this one was better, it wasn't a smooth night for The Groom as he immediately fell on his face when we dropped him off that night.

Friday - Rehearsal/Rehearsal Dinner
Luckily for The Groom, we did the responsible thing and got wasted on Thursday night. This meant that none of us were totally amped up to get completely wasted during the day on Friday. DW and I hit the gym, because we're god damn champions, and it's a good way to get through a hangover. But late in the afternoon, we definitely spent a few hours drinking and playing shuffleboard before the rehearsal as no Lady Pastor (or any lady for that matter) will boss me around. We just didn't turn it into an all-day drinkathon. I am sure it didn't look conspicuous at all that when we arrived at the church, all of us sprinted towards the bathroom to relieve ourselves; they probably just thought we were well hydrated.

When we get there, The Lady Pastor introduces herself. I start applauding, because I am an asshole, and Lady Pastor gives me an unfriendly look. She then goes into her lecture, but her lecture sounded more like a challenge to me. She told us that we should not drink the night before the wedding, because she was once at a wedding where two of the groomsmen drank so much they missed the wedding the next day. But here's the thing, the wedding was scheduled for 4:00. There's no way we'll get so shit-faced to miss a wedding at 4:00. We're not amateurs. My next thought was that I really wanted to one-up that wedding where two groomsmen missed it. That way, we would become legendary as she warned future weddings that she was once at a wedding where five groomsmen and an usher missed the wedding. Lady Pastor, it is time to give up on that speech as it only encouraged us to drink more.

Then we heard the bullshit news. For a 4:00 wedding, we needed to arrive at the church at 1:00 so we can put on our tuxes to have our flower pinned on. They actually expected us to sit in our tuxes for three hours before the wedding. But we'll get to that story when the time comes.

After that, we went to the rehearsal dinner. I knew both of the bartenders working that evening. This meant that my idiot buddies and I received preferential treatment the entire night, and preferential treatment is my favorite type of treatment. The food was good, and the drinks were flowing as we sat at the cool table and everyone else stared at us with jealous eyes.

Everybody but our cool table was asked to leave, so we stayed at the establishment and pounded more beers that were on the house, because the bartenders love me, and were super impressed with how awesome all of my friends and I are. Since I am a gentleman, I was doing random acts of kindness by helping them clean up. But unfortunately, I was being too nice, and I grabbed three bottles of liquor to put away. I proceeded to step on a wet spot on the floor. I then felt myself parallel with the floor, but about four feet above it. As I realized that I did not suddenly attain the ability to fly and my body was going to come crashing down to the ground, I set one goal. I was not going to allow these bottles to break. So as my back crashed hard against the ground, I held up all three bottles above my body to protect them from any danger. It was not a shining moment for me, but I was reminded of a valuable lesson. Some would experience that moment and think to watch where they step, but I remembered a more valuable lesson: Nice guys finish last. Needless to say, I don't plan on doing anything nice anytime soon. And no, this would not be my most shameful moment of the weekend, but we'll get to that later.

Since being able to get up from flat-backing it meant that I was not drunk enough, we proceeded to pound more alcohol. DW showed the most hustle by laying an excessive amount of game on a girl with a boyfriend. Despite his great attempts, both he and I were left alone at the end of the night. We finally left the bar, and he texted his sister to pick us up. DW thought this was sufficient to get us a ride, but his sister never actually responded to the text, you know since it was 2:00 AM, and she was sleeping. So about fifteen minutes later, I luckily asked him if she ever actually responded and he said no like that wasn't a problem. He then called and got a hold of her. During this whole fiasco, we took turns passing out on a bench outside of the bar, because we are winners and that is what winners do.

Saturday - The Wedding
I woke up and went for a run, again, to burn off that hangover before it was time to start drinking again. We knew we needed to be at the church at 1:00, so we went to a bar called Gunchie's that was a block away from the church around 11:00 so we could get some alcohol in our system before having our flowers pinned on.

With only three other people at the bar at 11:00, we were the life of the party, and everyone was sad to see us go at 1:00. The Groom and his little brother actually decided to get in their tuxes at 1:00 for the 4:00 wedding. We merely put on our jackets until we could get our flower pinned on. The flower lady was obviously late, which definitely angered us as we knew this was just a ploy to keep us sober for the wedding. Luckily, we had planned for this as well, so we went to get fresh air, and by fresh air, I mean slam the beers that we had in the cooler in DW's vehicle.

After getting our flowers pinned on, we needed to get food so we wouldn't pass out from starvation during the wedding. Not even the wedding planner could come up with an excuse for us to not get food. Although she did say, "Just don't go to Gunchie's," which Chris immediately responded to with, "What? They don't have food at Gunchie's?" Another point for us against the evil duo of Lady Wedding Planner and Lady Pastor.

So we hit the bar, order a pizza and start playing drinking games, because if we only normally drink, we won't be drunk enough to enjoy the wedding. Somehow, I convince two broads to meet up with us, because they saw us on Thursday and are infatuated with how amazing of people we are. So we drink with them for a while, and then our pizza is ready so we head back to the church to mow down on some food and finally get in our tuxes.

Since we have a good buzz going, we're all in good spirits. This is why we should always drink before doing anything where people will see us, because we will be a ton more fun. The wedding gets going, and I am beaming (because of the alcohol), but after standing up there for a while, I begin sweating profusely. I thought maybe I drank too much, so my only thought was not to pass out while I was standing up there. Okay, that's a lie, as I was also hoping that this guy giving some sort of speech would have stuck to one analogy instead of three LENGTHY analogies that really dragged on. Luckily, after the ceremony ended, I realized that I wasn't the only person who thought they were going to pass out from the heat as most of the other guys were handling it worse than me.

Then we took some pictures. I looked very attractive in all of them, not much else to say about that.

Then it was reception time. We took a round of shots before making our entrance. I had my bridesmaid right on my back like I was Lil' Sebastian as I was far more mini-horse than I was a pony. Like everything I do, it went over gangbusters.

We drank, we ate, I talked to adults for a while, and then I browned out. Then I drank more and blacked out. From many people's retellings of the evening, I have concluded the Top 5 spots for winning the weekend.

5. The Groom - He got married, didn't embarrass himself, and that has to be considered an ideal performance for him. Congratulations buddy.

4. Hott Joe - Shockingly low for me, and I'll admit, I'm disappointed in my performance. Flat-backing it hurts me, but getting us free beer after the rehearsal dinner earns me a ton of bonus points. I also got some broads to meet up with us, so anytime that my friends and I don't appear gay to the outside world, it's a huge success. But, I may or may not have gotten naked after the reception in the middle of a hallway in the hotel it was being held at. Originally, I was horribly embarrassed by this, but I have since decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of (trust me, ladies), and it was not my bad decision that caused this, it was the bad decision of others. First off, I was fed way too many shots. This is my weakness in drinking, and after two shots, I am going to stop displaying human behavior. Next off, instead of letting me continue to party in my tuxedo, they insisted that we take our tuxes off, because they did not trust us to return our tuxes. So yes, it was not my idea to start stripping down, but the idea of others. That I stripped down and possibly took off my pink boxer briefs should have been expected at that time in the evening. Still, I got naked in the middle of a hotel, so giving myself a medal for this weekend just wouldn't have been an honest judging of everyone's performance.

3. DW - I gotta give him credit, DW put it down over the weekend. He was laying down game and not giving a fuck, so congratulations to him. He's still got the broad from Thursday night texting him, but he hasn't heard from the girl with the boyfriend. She must still be looking for the right way to break it to her boyfriend.

2. Tripod Dave - I was shocked that he didn't win the weekend, because this man had a great time. Tripod Dave had more hustle than DW. If you had a sister there, he hit on her. If you had a girlfriend, he hit on her. Fiance? He hit on her. Wife? He hit on her. Mom? He hit on her. Hell, you could be grinding on a girl in the middle of the dance floor, and he would ask to cut in. The balls on this guy. On nearly any other weekend, I would have given it to him, but there was a monumental performance on Saturday night, and that is why he is only number two.

1. The Field - Mainly, a man named Adam. Before this man's performance, I thought I had some weekends of great hustle when seducing the ladies, but I have never had hustle like this man. He knew a lady that was sharing a hotel room with some other friends, and he wanted to get in on that. Unfortunately, this lady was having none of his advances, and actually had people tell Adam to cool it with his behavior because he was freaking her out. Many men would have taken this as a sign that he would not be fornicating with the lovely young lady of his choice that night. This is what makes Adam so great. Instead of letting this minor snafu end his chances, he did the most inspired thing that I have ever heard of in my entire life. He went outside and crashed his car. That's right folks, he just decided to bash his car into something so he couldn't drive it. He then walked back into the hotel and told the girl, "Well, I just crashed my car, so now I have to stay with you." Somehow, this DIDN'T work. When I heard this story, I about lost my mind, because this girl must be a real jackass to turn down that kind of romance. But fear not Adam, even though your actions may not have won the girl, you definitely won the weekend.

-Joe

P.S. Since my idiot buddies and I are kind of a Dream Team of partying. Here's a picture of the original Dream Team.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Al Davis Was More Inspirational Than Steve Jobs

I learned something very interesting this past week. It seems like half the people I know had some sort of personal relationship with Steve Jobs. This was amazing, because I wouldn't think that a billionaire would have that many friends in common with me, but apparently I was wrong. All over Twitter, Facebook, and even Black Planet, people mourned the loss of Steve Jobs. I, unlike most of the people I know, did not have a personal relationship with Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure that he started Apple, but I have never felt the urge to thank him for that. I thanked him with my money when I bought my one Apple product, an iPod Nano. I am happy with this purchase as we have spent nearly two years ago, and it works almost all the time despite me repeatedly dropping it over these past two years. It's obviously bad that he died, and especially since he died at a younger age than the average American, but outside of the two minutes I have spent writing this paragraph, it has had no real effect on my life.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see a true legend die when Oakland Raiders Owner, Al Davis, passed away. I had no personal relationship with Al Davis, but this man should be an inspiration to everyone. Was Al Davis a good person? Honestly, no, and I don't think that Al Davis would ever consider himself a "good" person, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an amazing person.

Al Davis was a snake, and he'd be the first person to tell you that. He would do anything to win, and that is why he was so successful. This weekend, people were listing his accomplishments of being a coach, commissioner, owner, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think most people took the time to realize what that actually meant. Al Davis was not a self-made man, he was a self-made icon, and there is zero chance of anybody pulling off what he was able to do in professional football.

He started off in coaching, and quickly worked his way up to head coach of the Raiders. Then he became a general manager, and he became so successful that he worked his way into having an ownership stake in the team. He then tricked one of the other owners into giving him the option to buy them out behind the other owner's back, and eventually strong-armed his way into the controlling owner of the team. The other owner tried to sue him, but it was too late, Al Davis was too smart and diabolical to be stopped from owning the Raiders.

I'm obviously giving a very brief description of what happened, but the above paragraph is absolutely baffling to me. Bill Belichick is probably the most powerful coach in the NFL today, and in your wildest imagination, could you imagine him taking the ownership away from Robert Kraft? There is no god damn way that could EVER happen. But Al Davis seriously pulled that off.

I would have loved to have been friends with Al Davis, but I would have shit my pants had I been his enemy. Al Davis was seen as a punchline late in his life as his personnel moves had not been working like they had been in the past, but he created successful teams in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early 00s. And it's a shame he passed away when he did, because it looks like the Raiders are back on the road to respectability again.

Steve Jobs passing was seen as a much bigger deal, and that's not surprising at all. Apple is a far bigger brand than the Oakland Raiders, and Steve Jobs had far more money than Al Davis. Steve Jobs went into computers and rose to the top, but Al Davis chose the football business while also reaching the top. But know one thing, had Al Davis chosen the computer business, you would still know the name Al Davis, but you would have no clue who Steve Jobs was. Al Davis was committed to excellence, and he lived his life with one simple motto, "Just win, baby."

Now that's an inspiration.

-Joe

P.S. Mexico may be ahead of the US in progressive ideas towards marriage. A two-year marriage license, cut it down to two months, and I might lose my fear of commitment.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Rebuilding The Cubs

So, over a year ago, I gave my ideas on how to fix the Cubs. You can check that out here, here, here, and here. Sadly, the way I began that piece is still relevant today, so I'll just copy and paste it to save myself time thinking of a clever opener:

The Cubs suck. They're an old, overpaid, boring team, and there's very little to like about the entire organization. They have some unmovable contracts, some tough to move contracts, and a lot of shitty players. Still, I think I could get them back in the race soon. Here is how I would do it.

I figure the Cubs are actively searching for a GM, and I cannot imagine that their search doesn't immediately start in the blogosphere, so here is my application Cubs. I hope you don't mind having more rings than fingers.

1. Hire Hott Joe as General Manager

This is an obvious first step, because without making me general manager, it's going to be tough for me to convince other teams to trade with me. Also, as much as I think Jim Hendry is a great guy, the Cubs GM position needed more Hottness, and I bring an abundance of that.

2. Trade Matt Garza to the New York Yankees for 1B Jesus Montero and OF Slade Heathcott.

Getting a prospect on the level of Jesus Montero is an awesome haul for the Cubs. The guy has huge potential and he's ready to step in and be the Cubs everyday first baseman right away. Sure, the defense may not be pretty at times, but I will gladly take that for a guy with the potential to mash. So why would the Yankees give that up for a guy who may only be a number three starter? Well, the Red Sox and Yankees are both looking for pitching this offseason, and even if they sign C.J. Wilson, they're still going to be looking for more. I will have the Red Sox and Yankees bid against each other to the point that the Yankees will even throw in Slade Heathcott as a bonus for me. Sure Heathcott hasn't shown he can hit, but he's got tools, and my Cubs will be total tool whores when it comes to our farm system.

3. 3-Way Trade
Rays Receive C Geovany Soto and P Chris Carpenter from the Cubs and 1B Yonder Alonso and SS Billy Hamilton from the Reds
Cubs Receive C Yasmani Grandal and OF Yorman Rodriguez from the Reds
Reds Receive P James Shields from the Rays and P Jeff Samardzija from the Cubs

Okay, I'll admit it. I really wanted to find a way to get Yasmani Grandal on the Cubs. At first, I created a simple deal involving Soto from the Cubs and Niemann from the Rays, but then I realized the Rays could just trade Niemann to the Reds for Grandal and cut me out of the deal altogether. Well, fuck you, Andrew Friedman, that shit ain't gonna fly you sneaky son of a bitch (Andrew, if you're reading this, that was all false bravado. Can't wait to work with you in the future, but seriously, don't you dare cut me out of this deal). So why does everybody do this?

Well I do it, because I get a rookie catcher who can come in and start right away and a prospect that is loaded with tools, so, even though he's no Todd Hundley, it's still pretty awesome for me.

The Reds get an anchor for their staff, and Dusty hates young players anyway, so they might as well trade these prospects for people who will actually get playing time. They also get Jeff Samardzija, which not only gives them a good relief arm, but also makes them favorites if the MLB starts a flag football game for All-Star festivities.

The Rays do it, because they have a plethora of starting pitching right now, and they've only got one more year with James Shields before he's a free agent. They get a reliable catcher and Carpenter hit 100 MPH on the gun on Arizona, so that's cool. And they fill a hole at first baseman/DH and get the fastest middle infield prospect in the universe.

Win-Win-Win.

4. Trade P Carlos Marmol to the Marlins for OF Logan Morrison.

The Marlins closer may not be allowed in the country. Ozzie Guillen loves Hispanic players. Carlos Marmol is a HISPANIC CLOSER. This is too good to be true. Jeff Loria is crazy enough to do it too. The Marlins get what they want, and LoMo instantly becomes a fan favorite in Chicago and probably all over the world since he will finally be playing in front of fans. Let the Internet rejoice, I have freed LoMo.

5. Trade Alfonso Soriano to the Red Sox for John Lackey.

Nobody would be crazy enough to trade for Alfonso Soriano, and nobody would be crazy enough to trade for John Lackey. Hence, there are two teams crazy enough to trade with each other. J.D. Drew's contract is up, so they can fill right field with Soriano. Lackey is persona non grata in Boston, so trade him to the Cubs where they love all players (except for Milton Bradley). Plus, with Lackey (allegedly) going through a divorce, maybe he can hit up the Wrigleyville bars and find himself a nice young lady.

6. Let Aramis Ramirez walk in free agency.

Nothing against A-Ram, but I'm not exactly focused on the next couple years when he will have the most value. We're blowing shit up here, so A-Ram can sign with a contender and win himself a World Series ring before we take over the MLB in a few years.

Okay, so I'm going to be completely honest about something. It's a good thing I wrote out my plan before following through with it, because I got to the end of this post and realized I didn't have a third baseman. Whoops. If I'm desperate, I'll give the job to Ryan Flaherty, and if I can get the Mariners to take all of his salary, I'll put Chone Figgins there, because he's scrappy, and 2012 is not a year to focus on good, so being scrappy will make us beloved.

7. Get the band back together.

Oh, you have no idea what that means? It means this. We've got Zambrano, Wood will resign for minimum wage (not major league minimum, Illinois minimum wage; that man loves the Cubs), so it's time to bring the boys back together. Mark Prior gets signed to a minor league deal, personal favorite Juan Cruz gets signed to help out the bullpen, and if Matt Clement still has a right arm, I'll throw him a minor league deal and send him to the Midwest League (yes, I know that's against MWL rules, but just roll with it). This team is not going to be good in 2012, they might as well remind people of 2003, the last Cubs team that was actually likable.

8. Brett Jackson starts the year in the Majors.

And he's playing center field, Marlon Byrd is moving over to right, LoMo in left. That's not a good outfield, but it's an outfield, and we are saving a ton of money with all of my cost-cutting maneuvers.

9. Spend in the draft and the international market like money has never been spent before.

We are going to make Bud Selig's head explode with the money that we are going to spend on amateur players. We are going to walk into a Dominican tent and make it rain on the best 16 year olds money can buy. Any signability concern in the draft will be laughed at as we draft away and meet the demands of greedy little 18 year olds. Hell, I might even hire a Canadian to go into Cuba and smuggle me some ballplayers. I probably shouldn't write that for legal purposes, but I'll just say it was a very convenient coincidence.

10. Sign Tom Gorzelanny and Rich Harden.

I love both these guys. Gorzelanny gives us a lefty for the rotation that will give us quality innings, yet nobody gives the guy any love. Rich Harden is immediately sent to the bullpen to become the greatest closer ever. I am honestly not sure if he'll ever give up a run.

Um, so what the hell does this all mean?

Even with my outrageous spending on amateur talent, I have saved a ton of money. But that's not what Cubs fans are interested in; they want to know what the product on the field looks like. With that being said, here is our lineup and starting rotation:

Batting Order:
1. RF - Marlon Byrd
2. LF - Logan Morrison
3. SS - Starlin Castro
4. 1B - Jesus Montero
5. CF - Brett Jackson
6. C - Yasmani Grandal
7. 3B - Ryan Flaherty/Chone Figgins
8. 2B - Darwin Barney
9. SP

Pitching Rotation:
1. Ryan Dempster
2. Randy Wells
3. Tom Gorzelanny
4. John Lackey
5. Carlos Zambrano

Is this a good team? Well, if everything breaks right...no, the answer is no, it's not a good team. In fact, it's quite a bad team, but this is a necessity. And it's a young team that people can get behind. They've got veteran pitching and a very young lineup. They're good for about 70 wins, which this year's team did and spent way more money than I am going to spend, but the building blocks are there for the future.

Also, I'm keeping Mike Quade as manager, and here's why: Most likely, this Cubs team has no chance of competing until 2014. I know Cubs fans aren't going to like that, so after two years of failure, I'll bring in Ryne Sandberg as manager for positive PR, and to ensure that I have three more years as GM. When the team explodes in 2014 or 2015, we'll both look like geniuses, and I will have my choice of the thoroughbred dimepieces of Chicago. Bravo me.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of Cubs, I'm still rooting for Adam Greenberg and you should be too.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Women Law Violation


So my buddy pointed me in the direction of the hashtag Women Law Violation on Twitter like a month ago. I found some amusing tweets, copied them, but couldn't think of anything entertaining at the time to say about the tweets, so they've just been sitting there, ready to be blogged. Well, today is the day that this blog becomes a reality. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you #WomenLawViolation.

 Dean R. Zarbaugh II 
Leaving the kitchen. 
This is one I used to agree with, but now I vehemently disagree. Have I learned to become a feminist as I have matured? Oh, God no. But I would like to be a kept man, so I need my lady to be out there making that scrilla. Let's face it: I'm far too pretty to work.

 Mr. Marcus 
wearing animal print clothes and youre bigger than the animal youre wearing 
Oh, snap. Mr. Marcus is putting it down on large ladies wearing animal print. About a thousand people wrote this same thing, but I have to disagree again. In fact, if my financials were in order, I might hire a large lady in animal print to stand outside my house so I no longer had to worry about cougar attacks (the animals and the ladies).

 you follow, I lead. 
 refusing to go down, but expecting to receive it.
Wait a sec...guys can do that to girls? Who knew? Must be something desperate guys do.


 Your Royal Highness 
 walking around the club barefoot
It may be a women law violation, but it could lead to hilarious results when used in West Coast Dance. Wait a second, this is actually still a very bad idea. My buddies like to break glass more than they like breaking serve. If you see West Coast Dancers at the club, please, keep your shoes on, or you might get lockjaw.

 chris joyner 
 Not greasing up under the titties 
I don't even know what this one means, but I promise to never take a girl home until she can assure me that she is greased up under the titties.

 Marchelle Love
 wearing colored draws with white pants
This is why I don't wear white pants, because I only own exotic underwear. Ladies, if you ever see me in white pants, you may want to throw water on me, because your eyes will get the thrill of a lifetime.


 Bobby J. 
 Telling a Man you got that Wet-Wet but need KY Jelly to get you a jump start!
If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me that she got that wet-wet, I would have zero dollars as I have never heard that phrase before Bobby J's edgy comedy brought it to my attention. It is something that I am going to start asking girls anytime I dance with them at the clubs. I know my dance moves are quite amazing, so I'll be shocked if they don't got that wet-wet, hopefully to the point where they won't even need that KY-Jelly to give them a jumpstart.

-Joe

P.S. Zack Ryder has still got the spot, but Dolph Ziggler is making a hard charge to be the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE. I recommend everyone reads this interview, especially question five where he lets the world know that he's a Natural Light drinker. Natty is like the nWo...it's taking over.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.


 Charles Wolford III 
If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God.  
This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

 Arniie` 
 If I dress better then you, I`m just saying
I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.


 Nonso Emmanuel 
 if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!
What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

 p i c k l e ! 
 because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3
These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

 silly wanker. ⚓ 
 if you like blood on the dance floor.
Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.


 Philip W Thomas 
 If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out
Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.
Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.