Through my seven years of blogging, it has been quite the lucrative endeavor. I have managed to get a deep fryer, $40, and now a Chicago Bears suit jacket for my troubles. It's true what they say, Blogger = Baller. The good people at Shinesty saw that I like to talk about football and offered to send me a jacket in exchange for giving my review on this website, and that is an exchange that I happily agreed to.
I will admit that, at first, I was skeptical. The jackets are totally ridiculous looking, but then I put it on, and I kind of liked it. I thought it would be paper thin material, but it was strong fabric, comfortable, and fit me like a glove.
As a football fan who grew up in the Midwest, sometime in October, it became too cold to wear my favorite t-shirt or polo to the game without flirting with hypothermia. This meant that I switched to hoodies, and even though I love hoodies, it's impossible to not resemble a hobo when wearing one. Day drinking is a great time to pursue romantic interests, but it's a lot harder to break that ice if they aren't sure whether you are going to take them home or to a cardboard box.
That is where Shinesty, well, shines. Instead of looking like a hobo, you can look like someone who looks sharp. Is it loud and outrageous? Of course it is, but as all the classic PUAs would suggest, outrageous clothing is really just great peacocking.
Even I will admit that this jacket is not for everyone. You have to have a baseline level of confidence to truly pull it off, because you are going to turn heads. But if your swag factor is strong, and you want to look sharp when supporting your favorite football team, then the Shinesty jacket is the right choice for you.
I am a simple man, a minimalist, some might say. I do not consider myself fashion forward, but over the years, I have gone from embarrassing slob to publicly acceptable when I need to be, and that's quite an accomplishment. Because of this, I have lots of thoughts on fashion, whether it be for relaxing or maxing out your potential to pick up chicks, I feel I know enough to make recommendations while staying cheap as fuck.
Relaxing
Relaxing is an essential part of life. When people tell me they are just a "jeans and t-shirt sort of guy/girl," my immediate thought is, "Why so fancy?" The first thing you need to know is jeans suck for relaxing. Denim is a heavy material that isn't all that comfortable. I would rather relax in a pair of slacks than wear jeans. They suck, and you should really limit your use of them.
If you really want to relax. Hey, that t-shirt half of "jeans and a t-shirt" is a great start, but it isn't essential. The great thing about relaxing is being free of the burdensome feeling in our daily lives. Feel free to go shirtless, and yes, this does go for guys and gals. Let those puppies roam free, ladies. After that, it's all about the gym shorts. I love a good pair of gym shorts, but I am also particular about my gym shorts. I'm not any sort of baller, so I like my shorts short, nothing excessive, but they should be above the knee, anywhere from 2-6 inches probably. Also, as I was complaining about the heaviness of denim, the material for my gym shorts must be light. The shorts should caress your thighs like a warm breeze. Trust me on this.
As for footwear, you should know how to do this by now? Minimalist means no socks, ever. If I'm not dressing up, there is literally no reason to wear socks. Oh, your shoes will smell? Dr. Scholl will take care of that. You'll get blisters? Toughen up them tootsies, and then you'll be in the clear after a couple days. Socks are constrictive, and your feet need to breathe. Socks are worthless.
You know what I didn't mention? Underwear. That's because you don't need it. Be like Arnold and go Commando. You will not regret it.
Maxing
When you're dressing to the max, whether to impress in business or for a desired mate, color is your friend. People, especially white people, like to wear the blandest colors imaginable, so stand out and wear an orange, green, or pink to stand out from the crowd. You don't even need a fancy design, but just adding some color will make you look like a fly guy.
Although it is not recommended when relaxing, when maxing, underwear is important. Don't wear no boring ass tighty whities. Get yourself some comfortable and stylish underwear, because it is guaranteed to make you walk around with more swagger, and it's a nice surprise for a potential mate if you manage to convince someone to partake in some hibbity dibbity.
Finally, socks. I used to just wear plain socks and go about my day. This was a poor decision on my part. My buddy Chris tipped me off to the impact of socks, and getting socks that stand out is a great way to make people like you immediately for no real reason. It shows that you are bold, confident, and a little fun-loving, just by wearing socks that have a bit of flare to them. This is an inexpensive way to make an impact, and guys and gals around the world will be impressed with your fashion forward ways.
Oh, and one more thing: If you have to wear a tie of some sort, don't make it a bowtie. Those things are past their prime. Bolos are still hilarious, but I would recommend the ascot, as it is the most pretentious piece of neckwear.
And there you have it. You now know everything from relaxing to maxing about men's fashion. You are now the quintessential male of comfort and style. Congratulations.
WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:
That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.
5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."
Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.
And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...
Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06...by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.
And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.
"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.
Now onto the lyrics.
You know parents are the same no matter time nor place They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes So to you, all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand
Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.
I remember one year My mom took me school shopping It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister All hopped in the car We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose I didn't say nothing at first I just turned up my nose She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20" I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"
The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.
The next half hour was the same old thing My mother buying me clothes from 1963 And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!
I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.
Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.
I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep" She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet" I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please" She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show" I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers
This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.
There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.
But if you don't want to I can live with that but You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks" She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same Inevitably the first day of school came I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it" There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts
He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.
And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought And those who weren't laughing still had a ball Because they were pointing and whispering As I walked down the hall
I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."
I got home and told my Mom how my day went She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them, Cause they're not good friends" For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times So to you all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand
I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.
Oh-kay, here's the situation My parents went away on a week's vacation and They left the keys to the brand new Porsche Would they mind?
Yes, very much so.
Umm, well, of course not
You are not accurately thinking like your parents.
I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah, of course I should
Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.
Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions I honked my horn just to get her attention She said, "Was that for me?" I said, "Yeah" She said, "Why?" I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"
I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.
She said, "How do I know you're not sick? You could be some deranged lunatic" I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?" She agreed and we were on our way
Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.
She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive
Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."
We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes She kicked her shoes off onto the floor She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on" She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast The sun roof was open , the music was high And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh
This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.
She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far
Oh, God, that is WAY worse.
I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car
That's bad.
We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche And to make this long story short - short When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"
That's worse.
I almost had a heart attack that day Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway
WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...
I was arrested, the car was impounded There was no way for me to avoid being grounded
GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.
My parents had to come off from vacation to get me I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me
Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.
My parents walked in I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?" They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case" But my father just shoved me in the car by my face That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving I can't believe it, I just made a mistake
No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.
Well parents are the same no matter time nor place So to you all the kids all across the land Take it from me, parents just don't understand
Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.
I am always on the cutting edge of trends in this world. I got in on West Coast Dance on the ground floor, and it quickly swept the nation as the most popular dance craze since The Macarena. I am hip to the European scene as well which is why when I tan, I Eurotan to make sure I am tan in every hidden crevice of my body, and trust me it isn’t easy to make sure that each one of my abs is tanned to perfection.
But instead of being on the cutting edge of trends, I now plan on setting them. Manscaping has become quite popular around the nation, but I feel it has gotten a little tired. Ladies are no longer impressed by hairless dudes, as it’s become completely normalized. Many of these women look fondly on the days when men were men, hair and all.
Now, it would be a crime for me to hide my abs under a mountain of hair, so that ladies were unable to admire my beauty. I understand this, and I live by this code. I believe in a woman’s right to stare at my beautiful body; I guess you could say I’m a feminist in this case. But I also realize that women need a man, not a boy, and I am far too classy to walk around with my junk out to show them how much of a man I am. That is why I have come up with the Hair Bikini Top.
It’s the best of both worlds. When a lady puts her eyes on me, she slowly rises up, noticing that my abs are completely hair-free, leaving nothing to the imagination (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Bobby Heenan).
Then as her gaze rises, she comes across a chest (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Paul Bearer).
Not the chest of a boy, the chest of a man, covered in hair, like men were made to be. Before she even has a chance to glance at my face, she is standing in a puddle of her own love juices. It is an honor for me to be able to provide this to women.
The best part is that by reading this blog, you fellas will also be on the cutting edge of a phenomena that will sweep the nation. You can laugh at losers who either fail to manscape or have shaved all of the hair off their bodies. Of course, you may not notice them with the plethora of women surrounding you as they vie for the right to get with the guy with a Hair Bikini Top.
And for the ladies that read this blog? I have only one thing to say to you…You’re welcome.
There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.
This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.
I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.
#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!
What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.
#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3
These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.
Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.
Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.
Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.
