Friday, July 6, 2012

Franklin & Bash Power Rankings: Week 4

No Suits this week, which means that this week is dedicated to the antics of Franklin and Bash. Honestly, Suits would have had to have had a strong performance, because there was some great lawyering on FandB. They started off trying different sexual positions in a mock airplane bathroom to prove that it is impossible for fat people to join the Mile High Club. Unfortunately, we are five episodes in and there has been zero hot tub scenes. For last week's rankings, click here. Without further adieu, here are this week's rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Peter Bash - Bash is spitting game at his old lady, Janie, which clearly means that Cop Girlfriend was killed in the line of duty. Since these shows are a week apart, he probably mourned her for four days, and I know that doesn't sound like too long, but there were probably three epic parties in that four night span. He finally broke down and started playing Hall and Oates to seduce the ladies last week. Plus, he totally tricked "The Ice Queen" into revealing her relationship with the convict. Oh yeah, on top of that, he ended up "Bashing" Janie this week. That is the number one effort that we have been waiting for all season long from him. Nice job, Peter.

2. Black Gay Lawyer Guy - i know he lost the case, but let's look at this objectively. He is a black guy. On top of that, he is gay. He is a gay guy who plays sports. He is a minority on top of a minority on top of a minority. This may be the most progressive character in television history. On top of all of this, he made fun of Lance's gay manhood, because Lance could always get it up with the ladies. No trouble banging chicks? What a loser. As awesome as that was, my favorite line, by far, was "He doesn't love men; he just loves softball." He really thought that Lance had the following internal dialogue, "Man, I sure do love softball. If only they made softball for straight people. Welp, until that happens, guess I’ll just pretend to be gay, because that won’t affect my life at all. Coming out of the closet is super easy, and I will be able to play softball. Best plan ever." I really hope Adam Sandler does not read that last sentence, because he will definitely make a movie out of it.

3. Damien Karp - Lance broke his nose back in college. I swear there is a 16 year old writing for this show as Karp said, "You banged every 8, 9, 10 on campus." Grown ups don't talk like this. Something that bothers me about Infeld-Daniels is that nobody does any research on their own clients. Gay dude was married? WHAT!? That seems like simple information that you would find out along the way. Luckily, Lance was once in love with Karp, so they won the case despite having zero evidence. To end, I cannot believe that the writers of Franklin and Bash missed out on the most obvious joke ever. Lance said he wasn't into Karp, because he wasn't in shape. Karp responded that he has large internal organs. I was livid when Lance didn't respond with, "I'm only into guys with large external organs." Producers of Franklin and Bash, if you need to bring in a writer who will help you insert more penis jokes, I'm your man. 

4. Derek Kohler - You gotta be a lawyer to be a judge, so he makes the list for this week. Also, he is clearly a wise law dude as he immediately hired Franklin and Bash when he got arrested. He was framed, Franklin and Bash help him out, and then he is back to judging cases that Franklin and Bash are working on. Franklin and Bash are like, "Uh, dude, conflict of interest?" And he's all like, "No, it's cool, because you didn't file a motion to have me off the case." Meanwhile, prosecuting attorney (not shown) has to be thinking, "Uh, can I file to get you off this case, because you clearly love Franklin and Bash?" Luckily nobody cares what not shown lawyer dude/lady thinks.

5. Stanton Infeld - This was a weak episode for Infeld's blatant lies. My favorite was probably when he talked about his "polysexual awakening." He definitely just messed up on his words, meant "asexual awakening" and was just referring to the first time he masturbated. Infeld did make a jury question a man's gayness by mentioning Dancing with the Stars, Kathy Griffin, and the gayness of Yoga and Pilates. At first, I was kind of appalled at how offensive that is to the gay community, but actually sitting down and writing it makes me realize that it is so far beyond offensive that it is actually kind of enjoyable.

6. Jared Franklin -  Bash really carried the episode, and Franklin's rating suffered because of it. The only thing notable Jared did was getting scared by a convict. Ha, like convicts are dangerous. What a pussy.

7. Janie Ross - Janie fake seduced Peter to try to get what she wanted. Then she got herself Bashed. Sextivities. But seriously, she never wins a case. I can't believe that LA jails aren't completely empty with her as the prosecution. Think about that, she does nothing but lose, and she is still the highest rated lady on this list.

8. Margaret Pollack - The Ice Queen. She was totally trying to screw over the Judge for some dorky convict. Seriously, though, that guy was a total turd burglar. The Ice Queen was pretty hot. Couldn't she have gotten with a buff, badass, convict guy? Franklin and Bash Producers, if casting for a buff, badass dude, again, I am available.

9. Hanna Linden - The Cooper Test. They didn't know that Lance had a wife, but Hanna knew that he drove a Mini Cooper and likes both Bradley and Anderson Cooper. She did drop some deep knowledge on Karp, but she didn't do anything close to practicing law. This is still a huge step up from last week where her main objective was to fondle Pindar's hand.

10. Pindar Singh - Because I needed a tenth lawyer.

That's all for this week.

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