Suits Power Rankings - Pound of Flesh

Last week, I made a bunch of references to Lorenzo Lamas in my review. I doubted that they would ever make a reference cooler than the man who played Reno Raines. The Lorenzo Lamas reference is equivalent to a unicycle with a flat tire; the reference they made this week is a 2007 Volvo S60. Yeah, they went and put on maybe the best episode ever. I seriously cannot wait to get to the rankings. Here is a link to last week's. Now onto the 60 minutes that may have changed my entire life.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey started off a little slow, as Cahill actually held his ground. Then he went on a murdering spree. His victims:

Mike, who thought he could trick Harvey, but Harvey saw right through his plan, and sent him back to his fancy office with a frown on his face and his tail between his legs.
Jeff, who tried to justify not doing shady things, because that's not why he was brought on, but Harvey quickly informed him that he will do whatever Harvey says and he will like it.
Rachel, who wanted a day off, and Harvey made her feel as if she was asking for a private plane and a billion dollar salary. It took about 45 seconds to have her begging to work more hours.
Mike, again, when he tried to confront Harvey in the bathroom, but then realized Harvey had already thought all of Mike's plans through and annihilated his chances of winning.
Mike, a third time, when he questions Harvey about why he is at the hospital, and quickly replies that he would have visited Mike in the hospital if he ever worked hard enough to pass out.

Yes, he did run into some problems when Jessica went behind his back to buy up those shares, but that just gave him more time to show his heart of gold by taking blame and showing sincere regret to Mike followed by going to see Donna's play and making her feel like the belle of the ball.

2. Sean Cahill - While Harvey is busy on his murder spree, Cahill goes toe-to-toe with Harvey, TWICE, and gets the upper hand both times. That was amazing, but it was a pithy little one liner that truly changed the game. I watched it a half dozen times, as I had to make sure it was real and not some sort weird Suits dream (this happens more than I would like to admit). He says, and I quote, "Which one of you is Frankiln, and which one of you is Bash?" He called Mike and Harvey "Franklin and Bash." HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. I'm done. This is the pinnacle of Suits...unless...no, they couldn't...could they? No, it would never happen...but maybe...I mean, it would almost be irresponsible to type it out...but it'd be silly not to throw it out there. Okay, I guess I have to throw it out there. PEARSON SPECTER FRANKLIN AND BASH. It's got a nice ring to it.

3. Jessica Pearson - The one person who gets the upperhand on Harvey as she doesn't care about honesty, honor, or even employees in the hospital, she cares about the client making some scrilla. That's some hardcore lawyerin' right there.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna has a personal life, which obviously pumps me up, as I am a huge advocate for her having a life that does not revolve around others. I am incredibly happy that she has a huge part in a Shakespeare play. She finally shows some vulnerability, and she played it safe her whole life without pursuing her true dream. Finally, she believes in herself and owns her Shakespearian part. Since Louis helped her memorize her lines, she helps him overcome his stage fright. In the end, she gets a free ride to her final show from Harvey, who takes the time to let her know that she is his number one priority...for one night at least.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Being a good friend to Donna by helping her memorize her lines. Of course, LML knows all of Willie's plays by heart. Unfortunately, he's never been able to perform because of stage fright. I'm not an expert on stage fright, but isn't, like, THE closest thing to being on a stage, performing as a lawyer in front of a jury? Turns out it is as Louis overcomes his fears and crushes his role. Then he tells Donna that she could be a lawyer, which means that everyone on this show will be a lawyer one day in honor of these power rankings that did not rank non-lawyers when it started. After this and the Franklin and Bash comment, I am 100% positive that the bigwigs over at Suits are reading, so hey guys and gals, sup? I'm ready to join the staff anytime you need me. Also, advanced copies of episodes would be fantastic. Email me at uncensoredwriting@gmail.com

6. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a Wall Street hotshot with a heart of gold, and everybody is happy that Mike will not have to screw him over in order to get his deal done.

7. Jeff Malone - Has to do some shady stuff to set up a trust for Logan Sanders, which makes him uncomfortable. When he complains about being shady, he gets treated like a bitch by Harvey. But he comes up with a perfect plan to get Logan Sanders the shares, so now he finally tops Karl as Harvey's favorite Malone.

8. Charles Forstman - Forstman respects Mike's crazy little plan and gives him the money without Mike having to screw over Sidwell. The gray fox never ceases to surprise.

9. Logan Sanders - Gave Rachel flowers, but still wanted her to get back to work. I respect that.

10. Mike Ross - He turned off his girlfriend's alarm like that is a good thing, only because he didn't want her to go to the hospital. What a jerk. Then he gets repeatedly owned by Harvey, but everything turned around for him in the end as Forstman is giving Sidwell the money, so Mike does not have to screw over the nicest Wall Street hotshot in history, and he has the money to crush Harvey. Still, that's all future success. This week was pretty rough overall.

11. Danyel H - Did not make the Suits Live leaderboard last week but came back to claim the #2 spot this week. The only question is how many of the answers are coming from Danyel and how many are coming from her cat.

12. Amy - She existed. She tries to talk sense into Mike, but he barely listens; I barely listen. She seems more of a Michael Bay prop actress as opposed to a Shakespeare thespian.

13. Rachel Zane - Is stuck between two dudes. She's a little too obsessed with law school considering she is already guaranteed a job when she graduates. C's get degrees, baby girl. This is not an aim for the stars, and you'll land on the moon situation. This is more of a situation where if you want to fly, buy a kite. Unfortunately, her rocket ship burns up at liftoff, and her lazy ass is in the hospital. Worst part about being in the hospital is she missed out on a steak dinner. If my main squeeze went out for steaks while I was in the hospital, it would lead to divorce. I would be inconsolable.

14. My Smugness When I Heard Dark Pool - I read Michael Lewis's Flash Boys, which discussed all things about the new stock market and dark pools were a huge part. I felt like the hottest of hot shots when I heard the term. Seriously, my smugness was at epic proportions. I was sniffing my own farts for the next six hours. Is that paprika I smell? Why yes, yes it is.

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.