Suits Power Rankings - #SuitsFinale

And so we have reached that time, another Suits season is in the books. Since they split these seasons into small little bursts of episodes, I think this is the end of season 56. You can check out my recap of the penultimate episode here. It has been a great run, and there is no better way to pay homage to the best show about lawyers playing with my first ever power rankings done entirely in Haiku.

1. Harvey Specter
From hot shot lawyer
To being the grizzled vet
He has ev'rything.

2. Donna Paulsen 
Hunts for young lawyers
The best barista around
Never pays for drink.

3. Rachel Zane
No one respects her.
She tries exposing secrets.
Now she's got a ring.

4. Mike Ross
Has a hot GF
Decides to drop to one knee.
Uh, Mike, that's her job.

5. Marcus Specter
Just a simple man.
With a PokerStars account.
Damn offshore gambling.

6. Sean Cahill
Have you seen the cash?
Hey man, where's all that cheddar?
Can't find the money.

7. Charles Forstman
Screws people over.
"Shoe's gonna be on the other foot"
is what losers say.

8. Jessica Pearson
She's running her firm
Because that is all she's got
And lots of dresses.

9. Louis Marlo Litt
Louis has to grieve
Better to have battle-axe
Than just an axe wound.

10. Jeff Malone
A true mailman
Jeff knew how to deliver
Never on Sundays.

11. Eric Woodall 
Woodall has problems.
Joke about mental illness?
I think I will pass.

12. Norma
Norma, oh Norma
It is time to go to work.
Death is no excuse

Suits Power Rankings - Leveraged

Suits really needs to stop taking weeks off. I'm not just talking about in the middle of a season either; I mean, they need to stop taking breaks. 52 episodes, is that so much to ask? The WWE has at least eight hours of content each week, and between all of that, nearly an hour is good. Suits just needs a really good editing staff to cut down the eight hours of crap into one great hour of television every single week of our lives. Come on, Suits Recruits, together we can do this. Where did we leave off last? No clue, it was TWO WEEKS ago. I faintly remember Mike and Harvey going against each other, Louis being lonely, and their being the hottest of sexual tensions between Jessica and Jeff Malone. What could be hotter than that? One thing: Lorenzo Lamas, who is the true number one of this week's power rankings. For actual people on the show, continue reading.

1. Sean Cahill - All he did was take people out like he was Bobby Sixkiller. Totally punked out both Jessica and Jeff. His smugness is so magnificent. Even when it appeared that he was losing, he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. And then, it turned out that he totally played Jessica and Jeff and they did exactly what he wanted. Eric Woodall is not a worthy competitor, but Sean Cahill has SEC SPEED, which can outmaneuver just about anyone in New York, which is clearly a Rutgers town.

2. Donna Paulsen - Finally, let's give credit where credit is due. This is what we need from Donna. She barges into Mike's office and starts busting skulls. She gets what she wants and moves on. Then she puts Harvey in his place, so he will make amends with Louis. She didn't take gruff, she didn't worry about gossip, she just got shit done. It was reminiscent of Sergeant Bobby Chase in Terminal Justice. Excellent work, Donna.

3. Harvey Specter - Drives an hour out of his way just to talk shit to Eric Woodall. Surpsingly, that did not get him the spot to head up the case against the SEC. He must have forgotten to tell them that he gave Woodall yesterday's paper, making it virtually useless. For his real case, things were also not going well, as he found out that Louis had never watched the show Renegade. As a fan of the classics, this is an unforgivable offense in his book, , and he was just using Louis's law mishaps to throw him off the scent of his Reno Raines fan club.

4. Charles Forstman - He's evil, but Harvey doesn't actually give the details as to why he is evil, so Mike goes into business with him, which will screw over Sidwell. I'm not exactly sure how a single line in a contract can cut out the boss of the guy who is making the deal, because I feel like investment bankers would do that anytime they made a deal, so they could use somebody else's money but keep all the profits, but Forstman must be pretty handy with the legalese. He sees himself as a Vince Black, but I think he will prove to be more of a Marshal "Dutch" Dixon.

5. Jeff Malone - Jeff and I have a lot in common. Everything he does is sexy...in his own mind. He was nearly fired from his last job, and he has the ability to plow through rejections in order to seduce a woman in power. Still, he fell into a classic lawyer trap, and now he's stuck with his pants around his ankles. That's bad in business, but at least he's taking advantage of that situation in his personal life.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made a lawyer a partner who was about to be fired, whoopsies! Still, she put Harvey in his place, and she is about to have her cake and eat it too with some classic films (Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster) and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

7. Rachel Zane - She is showing that she is an expert lawyer, despite only being a law student. She can look at cover pages and realize that the deals are no good, but she gives Logan options, and they work all night together to get him prepared for his board meeting. But all that research made things hot and steamy, and those two nearly rekindled their burning flame of love. Still, Rachel was responsible and backed herself out of what could have turned into a sticky situation. So keep on keepin' on, Ms. Zane, you're like a young Cheyenne Phillips.

8. Tony Giannopoulos - Does not know how to repay favors, does know how to give payback though.

9. Logan Sanders - Logan uses the classic plan of seduction where he buries Rachel in work, so that she'll be so turned on that she lets him bury something else. She's starting to wear down, which is good for him, because Logan is a dog with a bone that needs burying.

10. Amy - So that's Mike's Assistant's name? Okay, good to know. Her whole role on this show is to be a poor man's Donna, but if that's the case, give her some individual characteristics. Instead of liking lame things like Broadway shows, make me fall in love with her when she cuts out of work early to go to Beat The Streets or an independent wrestling show. I doubt those are her interests, which means I doubt I will be sad to see her go.

11. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell may be the most honorable guy in this bubble. He likes money; that is why he wanted his own company. When people make him money, he's happy. When people lose him money, he's sad. His motivations never change, so at least you know what you are getting from him. Unfortunately, honor does not take you very far in these power rankings, and he's currently being duped, which is bad news for him.

12. Mike Ross - Mike is going to acquire Gillis Industries, or he's done as an investment banker. Instead of crunching numbers, he's using Photoshop, which is really the way that gets business done these days. The plan works almost every time, but somehow Tony Giannopoulos was able to resist a business plan that had his head photoshopped onto Scrooge McDuck's body jumping into a pool of gold coins. Luckily, that same plan did work when he sent it to Charles Forstman. Unfortunately, Forstman is evil, and despite Harvey warning him not to, he made a deal with him, and now his future is tied to Forstman.

 13. Eric Woodall - He's just a pud who is cutting out yesterday's coupons in a tomorrow world.

14. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is turning down J-Date requests left and right, because he's still in love with Sheila. Unfortunately, that love is blinding him to his job, as he keeps messing things up for the world's best best friend, Harvey Specter. He is left in a heaping pile of emotions, while Harvey probably goes out and revenge bangs Sheila. Louis got Litt Up. 

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.

Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.