Thursday, July 10, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Leveraged

Suits really needs to stop taking weeks off. I'm not just talking about in the middle of a season either; I mean, they need to stop taking breaks. 52 episodes, is that so much to ask? The WWE has at least eight hours of content each week, and between all of that, nearly an hour is good. Suits just needs a really good editing staff to cut down the eight hours of crap into one great hour of television every single week of our lives. Come on, Suits Recruits, together we can do this. Where did we leave off last? No clue, it was TWO WEEKS ago. I faintly remember Mike and Harvey going against each other, Louis being lonely, and their being the hottest of sexual tensions between Jessica and Jeff Malone. What could be hotter than that? One thing: Lorenzo Lamas, who is the true number one of this week's power rankings. For actual people on the show, continue reading.

1. Sean Cahill - All he did was take people out like he was Bobby Sixkiller. Totally punked out both Jessica and Jeff. His smugness is so magnificent. Even when it appeared that he was losing, he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. And then, it turned out that he totally played Jessica and Jeff and they did exactly what he wanted. Eric Woodall is not a worthy competitor, but Sean Cahill has SEC SPEED, which can outmaneuver just about anyone in New York, which is clearly a Rutgers town.

2. Donna Paulsen - Finally, let's give credit where credit is due. This is what we need from Donna. She barges into Mike's office and starts busting skulls. She gets what she wants and moves on. Then she puts Harvey in his place, so he will make amends with Louis. She didn't take gruff, she didn't worry about gossip, she just got shit done. It was reminiscent of Sergeant Bobby Chase in Terminal Justice. Excellent work, Donna.

3. Harvey Specter - Drives an hour out of his way just to talk shit to Eric Woodall. Surpsingly, that did not get him the spot to head up the case against the SEC. He must have forgotten to tell them that he gave Woodall yesterday's paper, making it virtually useless. For his real case, things were also not going well, as he found out that Louis had never watched the show Renegade. As a fan of the classics, this is an unforgivable offense in his book, , and he was just using Louis's law mishaps to throw him off the scent of his Reno Raines fan club.

4. Charles Forstman - He's evil, but Harvey doesn't actually give the details as to why he is evil, so Mike goes into business with him, which will screw over Sidwell. I'm not exactly sure how a single line in a contract can cut out the boss of the guy who is making the deal, because I feel like investment bankers would do that anytime they made a deal, so they could use somebody else's money but keep all the profits, but Forstman must be pretty handy with the legalese. He sees himself as a Vince Black, but I think he will prove to be more of a Marshal "Dutch" Dixon.

5. Jeff Malone - Jeff and I have a lot in common. Everything he does is sexy...in his own mind. He was nearly fired from his last job, and he has the ability to plow through rejections in order to seduce a woman in power. Still, he fell into a classic lawyer trap, and now he's stuck with his pants around his ankles. That's bad in business, but at least he's taking advantage of that situation in his personal life.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made a lawyer a partner who was about to be fired, whoopsies! Still, she put Harvey in his place, and she is about to have her cake and eat it too with some classic films (Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster) and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

7. Rachel Zane - She is showing that she is an expert lawyer, despite only being a law student. She can look at cover pages and realize that the deals are no good, but she gives Logan options, and they work all night together to get him prepared for his board meeting. But all that research made things hot and steamy, and those two nearly rekindled their burning flame of love. Still, Rachel was responsible and backed herself out of what could have turned into a sticky situation. So keep on keepin' on, Ms. Zane, you're like a young Cheyenne Phillips.

8. Tony Giannopoulos - Does not know how to repay favors, does know how to give payback though.

9. Logan Sanders - Logan uses the classic plan of seduction where he buries Rachel in work, so that she'll be so turned on that she lets him bury something else. She's starting to wear down, which is good for him, because Logan is a dog with a bone that needs burying.

10. Amy - So that's Mike's Assistant's name? Okay, good to know. Her whole role on this show is to be a poor man's Donna, but if that's the case, give her some individual characteristics. Instead of liking lame things like Broadway shows, make me fall in love with her when she cuts out of work early to go to Beat The Streets or an independent wrestling show. I doubt those are her interests, which means I doubt I will be sad to see her go.

11. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell may be the most honorable guy in this bubble. He likes money; that is why he wanted his own company. When people make him money, he's happy. When people lose him money, he's sad. His motivations never change, so at least you know what you are getting from him. Unfortunately, honor does not take you very far in these power rankings, and he's currently being duped, which is bad news for him.

12. Mike Ross - Mike is going to acquire Gillis Industries, or he's done as an investment banker. Instead of crunching numbers, he's using Photoshop, which is really the way that gets business done these days. The plan works almost every time, but somehow Tony Giannopoulos was able to resist a business plan that had his head photoshopped onto Scrooge McDuck's body jumping into a pool of gold coins. Luckily, that same plan did work when he sent it to Charles Forstman. Unfortunately, Forstman is evil, and despite Harvey warning him not to, he made a deal with him, and now his future is tied to Forstman.

 13. Eric Woodall - He's just a pud who is cutting out yesterday's coupons in a tomorrow world.

14. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is turning down J-Date requests left and right, because he's still in love with Sheila. Unfortunately, that love is blinding him to his job, as he keeps messing things up for the world's best best friend, Harvey Specter. He is left in a heaping pile of emotions, while Harvey probably goes out and revenge bangs Sheila. Louis got Litt Up. 

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