Tuesday, August 30, 2016

When Is It Okay to Fart in an Elevator?

As a big city boy, I get to ride in an elevator every day for work. 6-year-old me would have been totally impressed, because a majority of the time, I even get to push the buttons. This has given me time for introspection, and it has helped me break down elevator etiquette when it comes to the only thing that really matters: Farting.

It should be noted that I'm either the least healthy person in the world, or everybody else is way more willing to hold in their farts than I am. I don't think it's the former, so I just feel bad for people living their lives this way. First off, in the elevator alone, I am going to fart away. If somebody's waiting to get on that elevator as I get off, well, I will have skedaddled off to my destination before they can even put together the crime that I have committed.

Things get slightly more complicated with other people in the elevator. If there is only one other person in the elevator, you cannot fart. This is one of the few situations where I would ever say that you cannot fart, but this is one of them, and considering it lasts about 15 seconds, I think we can all manage. Another circumstance is if you are the only male in an elevator with females, because you know you're getting blamed for that fart, even if it wasn't you. That being said, if you are a female in an elevator and you see there is only one guy in there, I would say fart away. There is no way you're getting blamed for it, and that is cruel to that guy, but with all the harassment that women get online, they should at least have this to get back at men a little bit.

Now the great conundrum is in a crowded elevator. To fart or not to fart? That is the question. But the answer is quite simple. If you're not the only guy in the elevator with multiple people around, fart away. Enjoy yourself. A fart isn't enough to ruin someone's day; it's actually adding some spice to their life as they'll have a good story for their friends and co-workers. Friends will crowd around as they regale their story of the really stinky fart in the elevator. When you think about it, you're actually doing your elevator guests a favor.

And think of the cool Aerosmith parody you can sing to yourself,

Farts in an elevator
Stinkin' it up while it's goin down.
Farts in an elevator
Holdin' your breath till we hit the ground.

1 comment:

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