Tuesday, April 11, 2017

The 41 Best Matches of WrestleMania 33 Weekend - 41-31

I am about five months younger than WrestleMania. After 30 years of being a wrestling fan, I made my first trip to WrestleMania out in San Jose/San Francisco for WrestleMania 31. It was pretty damn incredible. I know that makes me a giant nerd, and I am totally cool with that. Wrestling doesn't need to be cool, because it is hilarious and occasionally awesome. Two years later, it came to Orlando, and since that is less than two hours away, I knew that I would be making my second WrestleMania trip. Starting on Thursday, I saw WrestlePro, the WrestleCon Supershow, NXT Takeover, and of course, WrestleMania 33. Although I may be a nerd about wrestling, even I have to tap out after four nights of events, so I chose not to go to Raw or Smackdown. But I still saw a hell of a lot of wrestling, and here are the beginning of my rankings, working from worst to 31st.

41. WrestleMania - Randy Orton def. Bray Wyatt
This match could have reached its ceiling of unmemorable garbage, but instead, they decided to be memorable which turned a boring match into a laughably bad match. I don't know what projecting maggots, worms, and cockroaches on the mat of the ring was supposed to do, but whatever it was, it didn't work, for the crowd or Wyatt. Honestly, at first, I was kind of angry about how bad it was, but looking back in a year or ten, I think I will be glad I could say I was there for one of the dumbest ideas in wrestling history. 

40. NXT - Peyton Royce defeated Aliyah 
This was a match taped for the weekly NXT show. Outside of Peyton Royce hitting a Perfect Plex, I remember nothing about this.

39. WrestleCon Supershow - Sandman def Joey Ryan to win the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship
I mean, I thought an active Sandman was as bad as that guy could look, but no, he looked far worse as he made his six minute entrance to the ring. By just walking by me, he made our entire section smell like a bar, which was kind of impressive. But he beat the King of Dong Style with one kendo stick strike to the head to become the new HeavyMetalWeight Championship.

38. WrestlePro - Chris Payne def. Tommy Dreamer
This was a Falls Count Anywhere match, and those are always kind of terrible, because you can't see most of the action. It's nice for the people in the cheap seats, but I ponied up the extra $15 for reserved seating, so it didn't benefit me any. I don't know, Tommy Dreamer has never done it for me, although he seems like a real nice guy. This match wasn't bad, but it was a nostalgia match where I didn't really care about any of the nostalgia.

37. WrestleCon Supershow - Joey Ryan defeats Swoggle to win the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship
This preceded the Sandman match, and it's higher just to see the highest of highs for Swoggle turn to the lowest of lows for him.

36. WrestlePro - CAQ def. Craven Varro
Craven was like a heavy metal rocker, as he had long hair, and was skinny enough to be on copious amounts of drugs. Speaking of, CAQ was a mental patient who barely felt pain. CAQ won to stay undefeated, so I felt like I was seeing the early stages of a Goldberg-like streak. 

35. WrestlePro - The Taboo Crew def. Team Espana and Apple Corps
I really liked the Apple Corps, get it, like the Marine Corps, mostly because they kept screaming Apple Corps, and I like when people yell easy things that I can also yell. But maybe the most important part of this match is that each team had a manager, and all of the managers got involved in cat fights, even though one of them was a fella in a cat fight. The Taboo Crew were also fun enough where I wasn't disappointed in their victory.

34. WrestleMania - Intercontinental Championship Match - Dean Ambrose (c) def. Baron Corbin
A lot of people wanted to majorly shit on this match, but I didn't find it offensively bad. It was a Dean Ambrose match, what did you really expect? It was fine.

33. WrestlePro - Beefcake Charlie won a Scramble Match
Well, the internet was not great at getting me the information on what guys were in this match, but Beefcake Charlie is a fat guy in a pink singlet, and because of that, he was a crowd favorite and deserved to win. there was also a guy that dressed up as a Power Ranger who probably had the most long-term potential in the match. This was a very good indy match for unknown guys, but it's kind of tough to compare to some of the top notch talent that was involved in a lot of the other matches.

32. WrestlePro - Tag Team Championship - The Heavenly Bodies def. Da Hit Squad
This was a fine tag match, where Da Hit Squad came out hot and destroyed everything in sight. Then they ran out of gas late in the match, and The Bodies were able to win. Still, the biggest highlight was Impact Wrestling Tag Team Champions, LAX, coming out and wrecking house on everyone, and then Konnan cutting a promo. I'm never going to be mad at the K-Dogg showing up.

31. NXT - Heavy Machinery defeated The Bollywood Boyz 
These are two tag teams that I like way more than I should. Seriously, that Bollywood Boyz entrance where they mimic a camera is amazing. Also, if you can't get behind Heavy Machinery, I don't want to be your friend. Fat guys doing fat guy stuff and having fun with it will always put a smile on my face.

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