Races Suck

I ran a race last week for the first time in like seven years. I remembered that I hated running races, but this was the Skyway 10K where you get to run on a bridge over the Tampa Bay that would be illegal to run on any other time so I thought it would be worth it since I could run some place cool. Plus, it had been seven years, maybe races weren’t as bad as I remembered.

They were not as bad as I remember; they were definitely worse.

First off, this was a race for military families. That’s not a big deal as helping people is always good, but when you put military anything into something, you know you’re going to deal with some bullshit. This was especially true when it came to the sounds of the race. The Star Spangled Banner, although an objectively terrible song, was unsurprisingly played before the race. But then along the course, there was absolutely nothing but country music played. Like, I would have been ecstatic with some Springsteen at that point, and it’s not like most people realize that Born in the USA is against military interventionism; they just sing the chorus and move on.

And yes, I brought headphones, but I’m not trying to blow out an eardrum to drown out crappy music. They should be the ones to change, because their musical tastes are terrible.

They had a staggered start for the race, and I am in the fourth group to begin. So I get to the starting line, packed in with a bunch of runners and walkers and wait for this thing to get going. The cannon blasts (because military stuff), and we’re off. Well, other people may have been off. I was just chillin. Relaxin. Hangin’ out. But then, EXCITEMENT. We start slowly walking. Neat. By the time I get up to the actual start line, we are starting to be at a brisk walk or incredibly slow jog. HOORAY!

I’m already irritated and looking for every gap I can find to get some sort of space to start moving. I dart in and out, in between, and to the outsides so I can actually run. Finally, I get a little bit of space, and I’m off. Here is my internal dialogue once I finally got going.

“I’m going too fast.”
“There is no way I can keep this pace up.”
“I really need to slow down.”
“Oh man, this is not good.”
“Again, you really need to slow down.”

But no matter how many times I told myself to slow down early on, I couldn’t do it. I hate being in crowds so much that I just needed to bust out any way I could. I’m basically like a much, much, much slower Steve Prefontaine in that all I want to do is front run so I don’t have to have the feeling of being trapped. The fun with this race was once I busted out, I just ran into more crowds, because I caught up to previous start times. I never really got any stretch of just open space and enjoyment.

Not shockingly, I was already feeling like shit by the time I hit the bridge. Going down the bridge was okay, but still, there were so many people that I could never fully open up and let go of things. I thought the view would be cool, but I barely remember it, because I was constantly surrounded by people. I don’t think I ran too poorly, but I definitely didn’t run well either. I tried checking my time after the race, but they hadn’t posted anything yet. Honestly, I don’t particularly care since I haven’t actually measured distance or time on my runs in years. I just run to run.

To top it all off, the food spread was an insult. First off, they promised water on the bus back, and mine didn’t have any. Then, when we got back, I was looking forward to a spread of donuts, popsicles, gatorades, and some delicious complimentary food. Instead, there was water, doritos, and plain bagels. Nothing like gnawing on a raw bagel after a hard race. They at least had bananas. Oh, and there was complimentary food provided by...Taco Bell! When I saw that announcement, I thought they were pranking people, but NOPE, turns out that Taco Bell was their idea of the perfect food after a hard run. I thought about having some since my body was craving calories, but I knew that my whole digestive system would make me pay for that later.

On the positives, there was at least a couple free beers in it for me, but considering I had just done a race, and there was no real food to go along with it, I drank half of one and called it a day.

I’m never running another race. Instead, for my next run, I’m going to pick a beautiful stretch along the water, take the dog out, and fully enjoy every second of it while only seeing people for a moment as we pass in opposite directions. When I get back to the car, there will be water for both of us and a couple bananas to give me the nourishment I need before heading back to my house and downing a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

If someone ever makes a race like that, sign me up.

Banana Bread Is a Lie

Banana bread is delicious. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't like banana bread. It has bananas, it has bread, and somehow, when you mix the two together, you get a delicious healthy snack.

Well, I have some bad news for you, because banana bread is a lie.

We had let some bananas get over-ripened this past week, so my wife decided she would make banana bread. Then she got busy, and I offered to make it. I told her to just send me the recipe, as even though I rarely bake, I figured I could handle this task.

It started off fine. I put in two cups of flour. Considering I was making bread, that made sense. Add in a couple teaspoons of baking soda; that also seemed like a bread thing to put in there. Oh, then add in those three bananas. Really, I was going to be pretty good right there as I had both banana and bread. Nuts were optional, but you know I was throwing in some walnuts to add some texture. Then I added in five eggs, and yeah, I can justify that part too.

Then it was time to add the butter, which was a cup. Jesus, that's two sticks of butter. No wonder this shit is is savory.

Finally, it was time for the sugar. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the amount of sugar. TWO WHOLE CUPS of sugar. This was as much sugar as it was bread. I literally did not have that much white sugar in the house, so I did one cup of white and one cup of brown, but this is most certainly not the healthy snack that I had imagined for over 30 years of my life. It's just a ton of sugar and butter. You could literally add anything after that, and it would be delicious, but it sure as hell wouldn't be healthy.

Anyway, I baked the banana bread for an hour to find out what I had created. I took my first bite, and, oh man, it was a little slice of heaven. I totally get why people love this stuff. Give me all the sugar, give me all the butter, I'll deal with the clog in my arteries later.

1996 Lex Luger Was One of the Greatest Wrestlers Ever

One thing that never stops astonishing me is how great pro wrestling was. i just kind of assumed that I was a dumb kid who was easily amused. This is actually also true, but looking back on things, there were so many guys doing great things that I did not pick up on when watching it the first time around. Lex Luger is an excellent example of this as he is basically just remembered as just a muscled-up dude who was only important because he was the only muscled-up dude WCW had. He had a good look but offered nothing else. That is definitely not the case.

I think this is partly because of The Narcissist and Lex Express era in WWE when he never really was able to build momentum, although winning the 1993 Body Slam Challenge is a legendary accomplishment that still holds up today.

Still, instead of getting him a win over Yokozuna, they found some convoluted way to instead get the belt on Bret Hart while letting Lex Luger slowly fade away.

It looked like WCW was going to use him in the same way as he debuted on the first episode of Nitro and made an impact by...standing there?

Yeah, he just stood there. I guess he kind of looked around a little bit. It kind of took away from the impact when he did finally do something in protecting Hulk Hogan from the Dungeon of Doom. Then, he challenged Hogan, lost without ever having a real chance at winning.

But then something amazing happened. Lex Luger became the most inexplicable member of the Dungeon of Doom. This sounds terrible, but it actually led to the best stretch of Lex's career. He never really split from the Dungeon, but they kind of faded away from each other. Still, Lex Luger played the gutlees heel to perfection. There is no moment that better exemplifies this than this interview with him and Sting interacting with The Road Warriors. Everything Lex Luger says here is amazing.

Quickly, here are the four best things about Lex Luger this interaction.
4. "Stinger, tell 'em I'm from Chicago."
3. When the Road Warriors come out, Luger immediately gets behind Sting.
2. "If you want a Chicago Street Fight, you got it...what is a Chicago Street Fight anyway?"
1. "We'll pro wrestle you anywhere, anytime."

We'll pro wrestle you anywhere, anytime. We'll...pro...wrestle...you...anywhere...anytime. Every word is perfect. I will never stop laughing about that sentence. I would divorce my wife and marry that sentence. This may be one of the ten best promos of all time.

One time, he missed out on a title shot, because he got stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to the arena on time. He got another title shot the next week, so he camped outside the arena the night before to make sure he wouldn't miss it again.

He still lost, but at least he had plenty of potassium.

Still, that Lex Luger was putting together things like this and was still somewhat involved with the Dungeon of Doom sucked some ass, not any fault of Luger's though. I mean, just look at what he does during Road Block's Monday Nitro debut.

Luger did get him up on the third try, but I have a feeling he would have kept dangerously dropping the poor guy and shrugging his shoulders all night long if he had to.

Somehow, 1996 Lex Luger fulfilled all of the potential that one would assume when first looking at the guy. He always had the look, but he finally combined a perfectly realized character along with a hilarious worker who endangered jobbers for the entertainment of the fans. 1996 Lex Luger, you truly were The Total Package.