The 14 Worst Things About XWF Episode 2

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1996 Lex Luger Was One of the Greatest Wrestlers Ever

One thing that never stops astonishing me is how great pro wrestling was. i just kind of assumed that I was a dumb kid who was easily amused. This is actually also true, but looking back on things, there were so many guys doing great things that I did not pick up on when watching it the first time around. Lex Luger is an excellent example of this as he is basically just remembered as just a muscled-up dude who was only important because he was the only muscled-up dude WCW had. He had a good look but offered nothing else. That is definitely not the case.

I think this is partly because of The Narcissist and Lex Express era in WWE when he never really was able to build momentum, although winning the 1993 Body Slam Challenge is a legendary accomplishment that still holds up today.

Still, instead of getting him a win over Yokozuna, they found some convoluted way to instead get the belt on Bret Hart while letting Lex Luger slowly fade away.

It looked like WCW was going to use him in the same way as he debuted on the first episode of Nitro and made an impact by...standing there?

Yeah, he just stood there. I guess he kind of looked around a little bit. It kind of took away from the impact when he did finally do something in protecting Hulk Hogan from the Dungeon of Doom. Then, he challenged Hogan, lost without ever having a real chance at winning.

But then something amazing happened. Lex Luger became the most inexplicable member of the Dungeon of Doom. This sounds terrible, but it actually led to the best stretch of Lex's career. He never really split from the Dungeon, but they kind of faded away from each other. Still, Lex Luger played the gutlees heel to perfection. There is no moment that better exemplifies this than this interview with him and Sting interacting with The Road Warriors. Everything Lex Luger says here is amazing.

Quickly, here are the four best things about Lex Luger this interaction.
4. "Stinger, tell 'em I'm from Chicago."
3. When the Road Warriors come out, Luger immediately gets behind Sting.
2. "If you want a Chicago Street Fight, you got it...what is a Chicago Street Fight anyway?"
1. "We'll pro wrestle you anywhere, anytime."

We'll pro wrestle you anywhere, anytime. We'll...pro...wrestle...you...anywhere...anytime. Every word is perfect. I will never stop laughing about that sentence. I would divorce my wife and marry that sentence. This may be one of the ten best promos of all time.

One time, he missed out on a title shot, because he got stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to the arena on time. He got another title shot the next week, so he camped outside the arena the night before to make sure he wouldn't miss it again.

He still lost, but at least he had plenty of potassium.

Still, that Lex Luger was putting together things like this and was still somewhat involved with the Dungeon of Doom sucked some ass, not any fault of Luger's though. I mean, just look at what he does during Road Block's Monday Nitro debut.

Luger did get him up on the third try, but I have a feeling he would have kept dangerously dropping the poor guy and shrugging his shoulders all night long if he had to.

Somehow, 1996 Lex Luger fulfilled all of the potential that one would assume when first looking at the guy. He always had the look, but he finally combined a perfectly realized character along with a hilarious worker who endangered jobbers for the entertainment of the fans. 1996 Lex Luger, you truly were The Total Package.

The 3 Coolest Things About WWE's Crush

The WWE Network is built for nostalgia, and I every few episodes of Raw, I will come across that a guy that I liked way too much or didn't appreciate enough. Crush falls into the former category, as I thought Crush was really cool. When watching now, I am wondering what I thought was so cool, so I decided to break down the three coolest things about Crush in the eyes of a child.

1. Demolition
I thought Demolition was awesome, because I was a WWF kid, so although I was aware that the Road Warriors were awesome, I thought Demolition was just as cool. When looking back, Hawk and Animal actually were awesome, where Axe and Smash were kind of flabby S+M-looking perverts. Anyway, Crush joined the team towards the end, so he had a lot of built in credibility from being associated with Demolition.

2. "Brudder"
A few years later he came back as a Hawaiian who said "Brudder" a lot. I thought that this was both exotic and totally badass.

3. Kona Crush
The coolest thing as a kid is also the lamest thing as an adult. His finisher was the Kona Crush where he basically just squeezed a dude's head until they gave up. The reason this is so awesome for a kid is that kids are small and weak, so being strong enough to just squeeze a man into submission is an amazing fantasy to live vicariously through a wrestler.

After a year of being a cool Hawaiian dude who beat up Doink the Clown for being mean to kids, he "hurt" his back trying to bodyslam Yokozuna and became a Japanese sympathizer, because Macho Man didn't call to check up on him while he was recovering. He then bounced around various tag teams and various organizations over the next few years until retiring due to real back issues.

Like too many wrestling stories, he passed away in 2007 at age 43. Maybe Crush wasn't built for the modern-day cynical adult, but he was still cool by me, brudder.

The Road Warriors Book Review

I recently finished the book, The Road Warriors by Joe Laurinaitis.Yes, father of James, and the professional wrestler known as Animal has a book about his time in possibly the greatest tag team of all time. Overall, it was an interesting read with a lot of good stories (which are always in abundance in the world of professional wrestling). The biggest downside of the book was that the descriptions of the wrestling matches came across as if what was happening was real. I found that distracting while reading through it, but it's still well worth a read if you have any interest in pro wrestling.

Here are a few of my favorite stories from the book:

First off, a lot of pro wrestling fans probably know this, but The Road Warriors helped create Zubaz.

So that's pretty awesome.

There was a bar in Minnesota called Gramma B’s that had the following bouncers, Nikita Koloff, Scott Norton, Hawk, Animal, The Bezerker, and Rick Rude. With those bouncers, they could have taken care of the Double Deuce way easier than Dalton did (that's a Road House reference for all those nerds reading this).

Haku got in a bar fight with a wrestler named Jesse Barr and popped his eye out of its socket. Note to self: Don't get in bar fights with Haku.

Animal was making good money but had zero game with the ladies. He fancied a lady at the gym, and when he found out it was her 21st birthday, he said to have some champagne on him as he handed her a couple hundred bucks. He didn’t even go out with her that night because he had to travel for wrestling. He casually tells this story like it’s not a big deal, but this is one of the saddest things I have ever heard in my life. At least it has a happy ending as he married this woman and produced a badass middle linebacker for the St. Louis Rams.

Hawk married a woman named Dale. That sentence epitomizes the world of professional wrestling.
On top of that, Macho Man pulled a Clubber Lang, and asked Dale if she’d like him to take her under the table and show her what a real man’s like.
Hawk retaliated by slapping him backstage at a show in Japan right before Savage was about to head to the ring.
Oh yeah, years later, they fought at, you guessed it, a Kid Rock concert. Professional wrestling has to be the most interesting profession in the world.

And finally, a story that is definitely not for the feint of heart. Mike Rotunda (best known as IRS) decided to go to the pool for some late night skinny dipping. He hopped the fence with no problems on the way in. On the way out, he did catch a problem, as the fence caught his guy and ripped the top skin off his member. He was so drunk that he didn't realize it until he woke up the next morning and had to go to the hospital.

Yeah, pro wrestling is awesome.

-Joe

P.S. Here is a good interview with Iowa Head Basketball Coach, Fran McCaffery.