Showing posts with label Cancun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cancun. Show all posts

Monday, March 12, 2012

Jose Canseco Is Brilliant

Usually, I like to have a theme when I break down Jose Canseco tweets, but sometimes, I just feel that I need to break things down, even if there is no centralized plot line here. He has provided a potpourri of interesting items, and I would be remiss if I did not help share his thoughts with the world. Let's begin:

I am above mocking Jose for his lack of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling, so let's just ignore all of those and focus on the message. This is where we run into problems. The first problem is that the Caribbean is basically just a generic name for islands in a certain part of the world. The second, and most important problem, is that Cancun is in Mexico, which is not even a part of the Caribbean. Not your best effort, Jose, but you'll get 'em next time.

Who? That's easy...
K-Dogg is the most powerful man in Mexico, so if something's going down, he's got to be involved. But why is he doing this? Well, that's pretty goddamned obvious. Because he can. Arriba la raza!

Although most people assume this medical condition was caused by excessive steroid use, those people are wrong. Sure, those people have "doctor's evidence" on their side, but a Ph.D. doesn't make you a genius. So what really caused his testosterone problem, you ask? Lack of hugs. So please, ladies and gentleman, give this man a hug.

Also, as a bonus, Jose Canseco has since deleted these, but my phone saved them to give me a chance to share these amazing tweets with the world:
That is really what he wrote. There is clearly only one place that this joke is going, and it's clearly going to be Jose claiming he has a large penis. He hasn't done this in a while, but it is probably time for him to assert this so he can impress his Twitter followers. I guess I'll still read ahead to make sure I'm righ...wait, what? No fucking way. In a shocking upset, the punchline is...
Wow. Just...wow. At this point, it is becoming a very real possibility that Jose Canseco is some sort of comedy genius. Nobody could not think penis with the opening of this riddle, and to come back with "My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me," deserves to be recognized. These are not tweets that should be deleted. These tweets should be taught to all young writers, because it is pure genius. God bless you, Jose Canseco. You inspire us all.
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Monday, February 27, 2012

Jose Canseco Is The Next Great...Entrepreneur?

Just call Jose Canseco butter, because he is on a Twitter roll. He asks to play baseball again, and boom, he's on a Mexican League team immediately, and that team just happens to play its home games in Cancun. Have you ever seen the documentary, The Real Cancun? It is easily the greatest thing that MTV has ever done. 

Anyway, Jose went on another Twitter tirade recently, and eventually came up with the greatest business idea in the history of commerce. But as great as the idea is, it's the journey that got him there that makes this so special.
It is no wonder I like The Ultimate Warrior and Jose Canseco, because Warrior has claimed that nightmares are the best part of his day. Maybe I subconsciously love nightmares. How is this idea going to make him money? It isn't, but it helps get us on the path to straight cash, homey.
Yes, Jose has gone from nightmares to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Actually, thinking again about that movie, it's not as far as a leap as I initially thought. But, Jose is a happy guy, so let's take a happy journey through that crazed head of his. Willy Wonka isn't the best movie to think about, as this is much more of a Being John Malkovich moment.

Great idea I had when reading these tweets is that Jose Canseco should have a musical made about his life. There are happy tunes, sad tunes, and honestly, probably some really weird tunes along with it. Not only will Jose show you his entrepreneuring abilities, but he has even inspired me to be an entrepreneur myself. Jose, tweet at me, bro. We can make this musical thing happen. How will we get the funding? Well, I think you already have the money making idea to make our dreams come true.
YES! A hug store is a great idea, and there is nobody better to open it up than you, Jose Canseco. This is the idea that will make you the world's next great entrepreneur. There is a desire for hugs, but nobody to deliver them in a convenient place. It's a great idea, Jose, but you must focus. Do not let anything else take your attention from the world's greatest idea. Are we on the same page?
God damnit.
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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Jose Canseco And The Power Of Twitter

Jose Canseco loves Twitter. Although he will take extended breaks here and there. He always comes back to it, because those two were made for each other. Twitter uses Jose for cheap entertainment, and usually it's a one-way game where Jose continues to give and give, but things changed recently. Jose used Twitter and went from being unemployed to being paid to play baseball in one of the best party cities in North America. How did this all happen? Let's go through things.

Jose shared his dream of playing baseball again, hoping the Twitter world would notice and he could get back in the game that he loves. But instead of just hoping it would happen, he decided to spice things up to make sure that people would notice.

This is another amazing tweet from an amazing man. Jose Canseco fights for two things in this world. The first is the truth, which seems pretty reasonable. The second is the right to play baseball, something that I do not remember was a great struggle for revolutionaries throughout history. I don't think anyone is stopping Jose from playing baseball, but it would be quite a scene to see him at an old sandlot diamond and people chasing him off, as they said they didn't want his kind around here. He would assume it was for steroids, but in that small town, they probably just hate people who were on The Surreal Life and/or Celebrity Apprentice.


Jose takes it to the extreme, by saying life isn't worth living if you can't try difficult things, followed by saying that baseball is difficult. Ipso facto, if you do not let Jose play baseball, you are basically committing murder.

This isn't an interesting tweet, because Jose has about a thousand that talk about haters, but it became interesting when he followed it with this tweet.

I was so terrified to find out what his "baby chapstick" meant. It's not just me, baby chapstick could mean his dick, right? I mean, it's extremely self-deprecating, because chapstick is small enough, so baby chapstick is just sad. I reluctantly found out what it meant, and was very pleased that it was just his dog. And if you're asking what this has to do with getting him back in baseball. Hell, I don't know, but sure enough, the next day he drops this bomb.

And that's all it took. Just insinuate that you'll kill yourself if you don't get something, give your dog a name that could also describe your penis, post a picture, and boom, you're playing baseball again. Not only that, Jose is going to be playing for a team based in Cancun. Outside of trying to cheat on his girlfriend with college coeds on spring break, what will Jose be doing?

Um, who wants to be the bad guy? Anybody? Well, I guess I'll do it. As far as I know, there really aren't Mayans anymore, so I hope you aren't counting on hanging out with them on your journey. Little known fact about the Mayans, they aren't around anymore because the Spaniards took away their right to play baseball. Huge ritualistic suicide after they all wrote in their diaries how hard life is. Tough break.

But thanks to Twitter, suicide threats, and small dogs named after small dongs, Jose Canseco is back in baseball. Best of luck, Jose.
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