Jose Canseco And Global Warming

The title of this blog makes me happy. I honestly never thought I would be able to write about Jose Canseco's thoughts on global warming, but here I am, living a blogger's dream. Jose has finally shared his thoughts on global warming and other important stuff. Let's start off with one of many awkward tweets over the past couple days.

Girls love me and men hate me well unless your gay ofcourse
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 27, 2012

Of course. This is where Jose starts. Sophomoric lines about how all people attracted to men are in love with him. I have said something very similar to this, and I am not in the least bit ashamed.

Will discuss global warming tommorow. U clowns can't comprehend global warning I ask u study tonight and tommorow pop quiz
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 28, 2012

Of course. One day it is lines about how even gay guys dig him, the next day, it's time to talk about global warming. These are the transitions that make Jose Canseco such a fascinating person. Most people probably thought they were ready for Jose's pop quiz on global warming. Nobody in the world was ready for the bombs that Jose was about to drop on the world. First, a warmup.

clowns if you dont stop your mass consumption we will have no polar bears soon need to recycle or else no more bears
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 28, 2012

First off, I think Jose is misguided in his assertions. He keeps calling people clowns, but clowns are some of the most passionate environmentalists in the world. Just look at their idea of carpooling.

Clowns should truly be commended for their conservation efforts. He also mentions the extinction of polar bears, but compared to the news he is about to drop, the death a few bears is a very minor news story. Brace yourselves.

al gore was a head of his time .i miss him rest in peace buddy hug for u
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 28, 2012

Yep, Jose is just randomly claiming very alive former Vice Presidents to be dead. I will admit that my initial reaction to this was, "Al Gore isn't dead." But at the same time, I don't follow any actual news sources, so I wasn't sure if Jose was just the first person on my Twitter feed to break the news. Bad news, polluters, Al Gore is still alive. He is only dead in Jose Canseco's world. But Jose set things straight with the former presidential nominee with his following tweet.

sorry al you need to make some more noise .Keep fighting for us i believe in your and i am with you
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 28, 2012

Jose's sorry for proclaiming you dead, but seriously, Al, make some more noise. If you weren't so damn quiet, Jose never would have made this mistake. He's super serial about global warming. He is the only one who believes you about ManBearPig. Together, you may be able to tag team that issue. Let's focus on ManBearPig first, and then, if there's still time, we'll get to that pesky global warming issue.

Although that would be a nice place to wrap up, how about one more tweet from Jose that was sent right after a couple more global warming tweets:

how about a sitcom where I play a gym teacher and wear those old skool nuthugger shorts coaches used to wear with those high tube socks
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 29, 2012

Change of plans for the newly formed Canseco/Gore tag team:
1. Sitcom where Jose plays a gym teacher in "old skool" nuthugger shorts and high tube socks.
HUGE gap
2. ManBearPig
Even BIGGER gap
3. Global Warming

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Jose Canseco Is Brilliant

Usually, I like to have a theme when I break down Jose Canseco tweets, but sometimes, I just feel that I need to break things down, even if there is no centralized plot line here. He has provided a potpourri of interesting items, and I would be remiss if I did not help share his thoughts with the world. Let's begin:

cancun is one of the best places i have been it should be named the capital of the caribean
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 4, 2012

I am above mocking Jose for his lack of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling, so let's just ignore all of those and focus on the message. This is where we run into problems. The first problem is that the Caribbean is basically just a generic name for islands in a certain part of the world. The second, and most important problem, is that Cancun is in Mexico, which is not even a part of the Caribbean. Not your best effort, Jose, but you'll get 'em next time.

Someone big wants me out of Mexico .question is who and y
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Who? That's easy...

K-Dogg is the most powerful man in Mexico, so if something's going down, he's got to be involved. But why is he doing this? Well, that's pretty goddamned obvious. Because he can. Arriba la raza!

I have a medical condition I wish I didn't have to use testosterone but I have no choice
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Although most people assume this medical condition was caused by excessive steroid use, those people are wrong. Sure, those people have "doctor's evidence" on their side, but a Ph.D. doesn't make you a genius. So what really caused his testosterone problem, you ask? Lack of hugs. So please, ladies and gentleman, give this man a hug.

Also, as a bonus, Jose Canseco has since deleted these, but my phone saved them to give me a chance to share these amazing tweets with the world:

What's long, veiny and muscular and wraps around your body
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

That is really what he wrote. There is clearly only one place that this joke is going, and it's clearly going to be Jose claiming he has a large penis. He hasn't done this in a while, but it is probably time for him to assert this so he can impress his Twitter followers. I guess I'll still read ahead to make sure I'm righ...wait, what? No fucking way. In a shocking upset, the punchline is...

My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

Wow. Just...wow. At this point, it is becoming a very real possibility that Jose Canseco is some sort of comedy genius. Nobody could not think penis with the opening of this riddle, and to come back with "My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me," deserves to be recognized. These are not tweets that should be deleted. These tweets should be taught to all young writers, because it is pure genius. God bless you, Jose Canseco. You inspire us all.

West Coast Dance Off: Ryan Zimmerman vs. Alex Ovechkin

West Coast Dance is sweeping the nation.  Obviously, this isn't surprising to anyone as West Coast Dance has brought all of the best in different dance disciplines to create the ultimate style of dance.  The pioneers of West Coast Dance promised that it would be a phenomenon, and they were not lying as I have seen many videos of regular people and celebrities alike giving it their best go at West Coast Dance.

Because of this, I felt it was time to introduce a grading scale to differentiate between the weak wannabes and the true innovators of WCD.  All dancers will be judged on the following criteria:
West Coastness - This is the toughest to define, as it is based a lot on intangibles that only the trained eye can really see.  Normal people won't be able to tell the difference between the West Coast of one dance as compared to another, but that's why I'm here to guide you along.
Comedy - If you're trying to get serious acclaim for your dancing, then it ain't West Coast Dance.
Dance - Sure, anybody can be goofy on the dance floor, but you still need to have legit moves to rank highly among the best West Coast Dancers.

In the end, I will be giving a final grade of 1-10 penguins, as The Penguin was one of the earliest dance moves to help shape the future of West Coast Dance.

Today, we have a surprising battle of East Coasters, as both are proud to make their living in Washington DC.  It will be Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals vs. the Russian-born Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.  First, let's check out what Zimmerman brings to the table (and feel free to stop the video when Zimmerman is done, because I don't care about those other assclowns).


West Coastness - I have to give a lot of credit to Zimmerman as he does an excellent job of showing what West Coast is all about with his moves.  Obviously, everyone is going to love when he breaks it down, but the key to the West Coastness is the beginning.  He starts off with some proper ballroom dancing, and just when you think that he's going to zig and stick with that, he zags and busts a move.  The element of surprise is an excellent way to show the West Coastness of his dance.

Comedy - Facial expressions are the key to his comedy, as when he hears the bumping beats, you can see the change from proper gentleman to Dirty Dancer.  Although the lady is usually the one shaking her butt on the gentleman, Zimmerman uses gender reversal to create a good chuckle for the entire crowd.

Dance - The moves were solid, but not fantastic.  He had a critical error when he was doing the ballroom dancing before the dip.  Still, he made up for it by really getting into his ass grind and following up with a classic West Coast Dance maneuver with the double first-pump front grind.

Now let's move onto a compilation of Alex Ovechkin's dance moves:


West Coastness - The man doesn't stop dancing; that is what you have to love.  He signs autographs...and dances.  He talks on his cell phone...and dances.  Hell, he even DJ's at a club...and dances.  A true West Coaster will not let anything stop him from getting his groove on, and Alex Ovechkin clearly realizes this as even when he's sticking with classic moves, he keeps his body moving which is essential for the West Coastness of a Dancer.

Comedy - The loose arm move is always fun, because there is a total lack of caring with it.  It makes everybody around him have a great time. He also does a great job of using his profession in his moves.  He pulls his own shirt over his head, blinding himself yet keeps the dance moves coming.  Also, I'm pretty sure that he's at a club that had never seen dancing before, yet he has the entire club getting their groove on, because of how much fun he is having.

Dance - I really like that when he's in the DJ Booth, he starts with a classic raising of the roof, but he isn't afraid to stray away from a classic and start windmilling the arms a little bit.  He's willing to take chances which will always get him respect within the WCD community.  The best move in here is very early with the autograph signing.  Yes, he was signing an actual autograph, but it is a money move regardless. 

Ryan Zimmerman's Overall Score - Zimmeman did a great job with West Coastness, had some solid comedy, but struggled a little bit with the Dance part.  Still, it was a very good performance, so his score is...

SIX PENGUINS

Alex Ovechkin's Overall Score - Overchkin did a very good job with West Coatness as well.  His comedy was very solid, but he really brought it with the innovative dance moves.  His overall score is...

EIGHT PENGUINS

This was a great first matchup, and I give respect to both men.  Still, a hearty congratulations is in order for Alex Ovechkin, a man who comes from the far east, yet has adapted to our culture to become a true West Coast Dancer.

-Joe

P.S.  We'll make it a video heavy day at the blog, as here's a little girl trying to sing about some West Coast Dancing:

The Five: Comedy Television

Since I have total writer's block currently, I figured I would do something that makes it extremely easy to write and start putting lists out there. Good writers can come up with ten things to comment on, so I decided to do five since I figure I'm halfway decent at putting my thoughts on my computer screen. I decided to tackle the world of comedy television, as a friend and I debated what was the better comedy between Parks & Recreation and Community. That debate ended up deciding which show would make the list and which wouldn't, so without further ado, here are the top five:

5. Eastbound & Down - I decided to judge this on episode to episode quality of the most recent season. Since I am only looking at the most recent season, shows like The Office and 30 Rock suffer since the quality of episodes have gone very far downhill from their heyday. Eastbound & Down has only had six episodes, but they were six great episodes. It goes over a baseball player's life after he loses his fastball and says extremely offensive things to the media (aka the John Rocker story). Kenny Powers is one of the greatest TV characters going right now, as he was awesome in each and every episode. This show could completely fall off the map, or it could rise up the list. Kenny is going to Mexico this season, so that's a pretty good start.

4. Parks & Recreation - This show went from struggling through its first season to taking over the Thursday night lineup in Season Two. The first season focused a ton on Amy Poehler's character and it got tired pretty quick. This season, they have spread out the focus to their different characters and it has turned it into a can't miss show each and every week. I really thought that Tom Haverford (played by Aziz Ansari) would be my favorite character on the show after watching the first few episodes of this season, but Ron Swanson (played by Nick Offerman) has completely taken over. There is not a scene where I am not happy to see Ron Swanson, and there is not a situation that Ron Swanson couldn't help in real life. Plus the man loves Strip Club breakfast buffets.


3. Archer - Archer had a fantastic first season. It was consistently funny and is just another reason that FX is quickly becoming arguably the best network for new television out there right now. It's a fantastic show to quote that is always hilarious, because not every Tom, Dick, and Sally know about the show, so they can't make it unwatchable like they did with Borat.

2. South Park - South Park was really a slow-developing show as the first four or five seasons were solid, but unspectacular. Then they really started to jump into social commentary and it has taken off since then. They still have goofy episodes like Butter's Bottom Bitch that are absolutely brilliant. But they aren't afraid to attack any group of people, whether it be famous rappers that are in denial about being gay fish, bikers who are fags, and the entire Muslim religion. Plus they taught us the valuable lesson that being part ginger is a pretty shitty thing, but being part Denver Bronco is pretty cool.

1. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - If you're making time to watch any show on television, this should be that show. There are never bad episodes, and there are rarely episodes that could be classified as just good. I remember watching the first season and thinking that it was fantastic, but there was really no place to go, because they attacked all the major social issues. I have never been more happy to be wrong than I was with this show. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System from this most recent season may be the best episode of anything ever made. And now that I've Inspired hope, it's time for me to Separate entirely.

-Joe

P.S. What is the deal with people from Iowa making shitty music videos? This might be worse than the douchebags from Cedar Rapids who made a Hawkeye video.