Counterpoint: Five-Star Hotels Are Pretty Great

Last week, I talked about how five-star hotels are overrated. They're really expensive, and there's nothing that great that really stands out about them from a regular hotel that normal people stay at. I mean, all a hotel really comes down to is a bed and a shower with decent water pressure. As I said last week, there is no way it's worth hundreds of dollars extra a night.

Okay, so maybe there is a way. I stayed at a Ritz-Carlton this past weekend for work, and I've got to say, these people know what they are doing. Their staff was on point the entire time, and everything ran incredibly smooth throughout my entire stay. Since I work in events, I got to take full advantage of their top-notch customer service.

I was talking with one guy, and he asked if we needed anything. Since I'm easy to please, I couldn't think of anything as everything had pretty much gone as planned. He then asked again, and I assured him I didn't need anything. Since I am a slow person, he asked yet again, this time putting more emphasis on the word, "anything."

It was clear that this was not just an extra mint on the pillow. This was anything. It was at this point that I finally understood the appeal of a five-star hotel. I mean, different area codes, different rules, right? I mean, I'm a drug-free married guy, but I'm out of town, and what happens at the Ritz, stays at the Ritz. My mind began racing. What should I ask for first? Hookers? Cocaine? Either way, you know you're getting primo stuff. Like, no worries that your cocaine is going to be laced with meth if you're getting it through a Five-star hotel. And hookers, I mean, not only are they disease free, having sex with hookers this classy might actually cure chlamydia.

So, after much deliberation, I finally decided to tell him to get me...

Nothing. I'm still a simple dude who doesn't need much. At least other people I was with got sodas, but I literally had nothing that I wanted. Five-star hotels still aren't for me, but I now at least understand the appeal.

5-Star Hotels Are Overrated

For my job, I have to travel once to twice a month, and because of that, I stay at fancy hotels that I would never consider if I were paying for it. This sounds like I'm living that baller lifestyle, but trust me, the only reason I'm there is because the fancy people I have to deal with need to be at fancy places. But after going to some of these things, I have to admit that I don't really get what makes a 5-star hotel so great.

I've stayed in a few of these places, and there really isn't many meaningful differences. They have a lot of meeting space, which doesn't really matter to me if I'm just randomly selecting a hotel. They have a relatively nice bar and restaurant, but I'd still rather go to a real restaurant or bar to get a little culture in my life. I mean, I guess their staff dresses nicer than the people at the Red Roof Inn, but I'm a big believer in comfort over style, so I side with Red Roof on this one.

As for the rooms, they're clean, but it's not like I'm staying in a Penthouse Suite. It's about the same size as other rooms. The bed is relatively comfortable, but not so comfortable that I actually get a good night's sleep, because I simply don't sleep in hotels very well. It is a flat screen TV as opposed to an old box TV, but I can't imagine that's the only thing that makes a 5-star hotel, especially since the last one I stayed in didn't even have HBO working in my room.

The one thing that did stand out is excellent water pressure. I would have said good water pressure with the shower as it had a good stream blasting me, but that was nothing compared to the toilet. That toilet had enough pressure to swallow a damn basketball. It was damn impressive.

But are hotels strictly based off of their toilet strength? Common sense would say no, but I really can't think of any other advantage that the fancy hotels have. So, I guess I'll stay in a 5-star hotel if I murder someone with my killer crossover game and need to get rid of the evidence. Otherwise, I'll probably just go with the cheap option and double flush my poops.