Paul Walker, We Hardly Knew Ye

I was at a wedding reception on Saturday when I heard the news. A friend texted me that he didn't want to ruin my night, but Paul Walker died in a car crash. At first, I thought it was ridiculous that this would somehow alter my night, but it did kind of hit me. I don't know Paul Walker in any significant way outside of his roles as Lance Harbor, Dean Sampson, and Brian O'Conner. The latter role has had a much larger impact as the last two Fast movies have been two of my favorite movies ever made.

What may have been most interesting is what followed when I heard the news. Despite hearing from a friend that some media outlets (mainly TMZ) were reporting his death, I wasn't totally convinced (and neither was he, for that matter). I quickly tried to confirm the news as there were varying reports on whether it was a hoax or whether it was true. Finally, the evidence piled up and it appeared that it was true. The bad part of the internet is that death hoaxes are prevalent, but the good part is that you can actually confirm the truth. The internet definitely didn't invent the death hoax as there are still people out there that think the original Ultimate Warrior is dead, but there has only been one, and he's alive and making insane YouTube videos.

There is no doubt that this was sad. Outside of the most awful people in the world, anytime someone dies young, it is a sad occurrence. I am bummed out by this news, but only in the most selfish of ways. They were currently filming Fast 7, and had already signed on for 8, 9, and 10. I love those movies (Fast Five is the only movie I have ever seen twice in the theaters), and even if they follow through on all of them, it won't be the same without PW involved. I didn't know Paul Walker, so I can't really vouch for him as a person, but I never heard anything bad about him. And with the overreporting on Hollywood stars, that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

So good for you, Paul Walker. Between Varsity Blues, She's All That, and the Fast and Furious franchise, you have been in some fantastic films. And the good news is that in Heaven, you won't tear your ACL, you'll win the bet to make sure that nerdy girl never becomes Prom Queen, and you can rest easy that Dom didn't let you win, you won it fair and square.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

What I Learned From Step Up 3

Recovering from a four day bender on Sunday, I decided I would watch a movie to help me waste a couple hours. It was 1:12 in the afternoon, and I noticed that Step Up 3 (Since I did not watch it in 3D, I will refer to it as Step Up 3 which Wikipedia has told me is totally acceptable) had started at 1:10. I decided that I could get into the movie and hope that those two minutes that I missed would never come back to haunt me. I will probably never see those two minutes, but I am really hoping that it is two minutes of a disclaimer noting that any person who tries to view this movie in an intelligent manner will probably have their head explode within ten minutes.

So yeah, this movie is awesome.

Within ten minutes I actually learned something about myself when one of the main characters called another main character BFAB. There was only about five seconds until they explained what BFAB meant, but I was so excited because I was 100% positive that it was going to be awesome. It did not disappoint as I learned that BFAB means Born From A Boombox. It was a revelation for me, as I too, am Born From A Boombox.

The next thing I learned is that as long as you are dancing, you can commit crime with reckless abandon. Occasionally people will get angry, but they won't actually do anything about it. In this movie, they destroyed people's property, vandalized city streets, and stole like it was the only way to get into Heaven. The worst thing that happened to them for these crimes is some old lady tried to spray them with a hose. If you committed a dance murder, the worst punishment that would happen is someone overcooking your steak at the neighborhood barbecue. I'm honestly not sure if the American Justice System has the power to prosecute Dance Crime.

When competing in a dance-off, always, and I mean ALWAYS, dance last. I'm not sure if the sabermetric community has researched this, but according to my analysis, you will win 100% of the time as long as you are the last to break out dance moves.

Speaking of dance-offs, does anyone know where and when the Midwest Regionals will be taking place this year? With the strategic use of dancing last, I'm pretty sure West Coast Dance could take out The Pirates and The Samurai in the World Dance Championships. If anybody has any information on this, let me know with a comment or on the Facebook page.

The last thing I learned is that large warehouses in downtown New York City are shockingly affordable. With my modest approximation, they had about a 20,000 square foot warehouse. There were six different studios for dancing, and a dance club on a lower floor. This does not include the living spaces where about 20 dancers lived, or the regular living spaces as well as an office to edit films. Now if they were running a successful dance club, maybe they were making money off that, but nobody worked there, and there was clearly no security because a rival dance group was able to come right in and get into a dance battle. So I think they just had a dance club so other people with no jobs would have a place to dance in the middle of the afternoon. None of these dancers had jobs, and when they finally got evicted, all the dancers were pissed despite living for free for years at this point. After looking at everything logically, I am nearly positive that a 20,000 square foot warehouse in downtown New York is about $500 a month. I don't know why people bitch about prices in NY, because that seems like a hell of a deal to me.

Step Up 3 is like the Fast and the Furious franchise, except they replaced racing for pink slips with dancing for warehouses. I highly recommend it.

-Joe

P.S. If you are a baseball nerd, you will love this article.