Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.

Suits Power Rankings - Know When to Fold 'Em

What happened last week? Well, I used an analogy where UConn won the National Title, and then it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a heart attack and lost his girlfriend while Harvey kept busy by rising to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be joining the dirtbag world of investment banking. It's time to look at this past episode.

1. Jonathan Sidwell - He doesn't want someone who is in it for the money, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the clear number one this week.

2. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis has a broken heart, but he manages to find a solution to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, despite saying he would be worthless about 30 seconds before that. That's a flip flop but still some good lawyering. Plus, he managed to skip work for a few days with nobody noticing. Sadly, with all the incompetence that was spreading around the office, that is enough to get him the number two spot this week.

3. Dana Scott - Scotty is rightfully pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a backbone, which is apparently a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her later, much later). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a loss for Scotty.

4. Harold Gunderson - He's coming.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is afraid of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the answer. He even tries to get more money and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Sizzle sees right through that plan. Finally, he makes the decision to become a hedge fund manager, until two hours later when he flips and becomes a lawyer. Also, he is now in the bar computer system, so all is well in the world, except he must still live in constant fear and he can never get credit for his work. But other than that, things are good.

6. Harvey Specter - Harvey is a big baby when it comes to his relationship, as he has more flip flops than a sorority. Then, he tells Mike to take the job despite him really wanting him to stay. He's basically a turd throughout the whole episode. You could say that his shining moment was beating Quelling in poker, but he he actually gave Quelling more ammunition to come after Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his little buddy decides to stay a lawyer.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is not a very competent executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but believed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from shoddy lawyering from Katrina, but then Louis fixed everything in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't have to pay Charles Van Dyke anything. I guess things worked out, but she did not show a high level of competence in this situation.

8. Charles Van Dyke - Charles used to be a partner, but now he wants to get paid more. He outlawyered Super Louis but couldn't handle Regular Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's game. It's time to put him out to pasture.

9. James Quelling - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job done. He is in heavy debt and looking to cash in with some good old-fashioned blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to spend one night to discover something that nobody else could figure out to try to screw over Mike Ross. Then he loses again, because gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which case they always win. I'm not sure if I learned a lesson on this one.

10. Katrina Bennett - She has to cover for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they team up with a super Louis. They obviously screwed the pooch by not looking deep enough into the books. Then she got her ass fired. Of course she was rehired a few hours later for her stupid loyalty.

11. Rachel Zane - She is trying to fill Mike's head with lies about Harvey so she can get that investment banking money. She also tried to play the role of lawyer again and failed miserably. I think Harvard made a very good decision by not admitting her.

12. Donna Paulsen - Donna was THE WORST in this episode. She gives an impassioned speech to make Mike reconsider taking the job to protect Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Then she gives an impassioned speech to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the victim in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Mean Girls shit this episode, and when you mess with Scotty, you mess with me, and the only way I can extract revenge on fictional characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So take that, Donna, you're in last place.