Kimberly Page Can't Dance

I've been having old Nitros playing in the background while I'm reading and writing, and occasionally something will catch my eye. One of these things was the debut of the Nitro Girls, but it was not for the obvious reasons. The Nitro Girls came along in 1997, which meant I was 13 years old at the time. This was an age where I started liking girls, but I would never outwardly admit that I liked girls (Note: This stage lasted about a decade). Hence, I was a big Kimberly fan, but as a 13 year old, I would have only described her looks as "Nice body, good hooters." Those words still ring true today, but as I started watching, I realized that Kimberly Page can't dance. Instead of just stating this with no proof, I'm going to break down the video evidence.


She's not that great on the microphone either, but I'm sure that she's happy that she no longer has to be The Booty Babe and hang out with Hulk Hogan's weird hot dog friend. But dancing wasn't really her strength as one of the first moves of the dance routine already made her look like she was moving in slow motion (and also not correctly).

She has no clue what is going on, and this wasn't the only slip up. She is very clearly trying to watch the girl next to her for clues on what she is supposed to be doing.

Literally, any time they brought up the level to professional dancer speed, poor Kim was just lost.

At least here she knows she's behind and tries to cut some corners, but if you're not going to do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all. Straight arms, Kimmy.

Well, at least, she can throw her hands up, right?

Eh, I guess a shoulder shrug works just as well.

This usually wouldn't bother me. I mean, although I am an aficionado of West Coast Dance, I understand that anyone can have an off night. But this was their debut. This was their make or break moment, and Kimberly went out there and shit the bed repeatedly. On a lot of these moves, it's clear that she's not just slow, but she simply doesn't know the routine. This is unacceptable, and although she was the leader, I'd like to believe the Nitro Girls were a Cheerocracy and not a Cheertatorship. The latter is the only reason she could have stuck around, as any great squad knows that you're only as good as the weakest link.

Kimberly was the weakest link; it's just a shame that the Nitro Girls didn't say "Goodbye."

Lee Marshall: The Nicest Guy In Pro Wrestling

During my childhood, I met a few wrestlers over the years, and every time, I got punked out. When I met Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly, DDP withheld my autograph to ask me, "What's the magic word?" Since I had just waited in a line for two hours, I mumbled a bunch of words until he notified me that the magic words were thank you. Thanks for the pop quiz, asshole.

Before that, it was Jake "The Snake" Roberts. About three people in front of me, he asked a kid his name so he could make out an autograph to him. When I got up there, I proudly stated my name, "Joey" (I had not matured into the man that has become Hott Joe at that point), and I will paraphrase here, but he responded with something like, "Well, Joey, we're doing a little something called speed signing, so if you want your name on it, you can sign it yourself." Needless to say, I sometimes wish that DDP Yoga had the reverse effect on people's lives.

This brings me to Lee Marshall. Lee Marshall is an obscure reference, even for avid wrestling fans. He was most famous for being the king of Nitro parties, which were a thing back in the 90s. But one year, the Great American Bash came near my hometown, and I got seats near the announcing table. Lee Marshall was walking by, and I yelled, "Lee Marshall, you're the man" (I know, you're impressed with how creative I was to come up with that one on the fly), and instead of being a dick like DDP and Jake, he responded, "No, no, no, you're the man." That's all I needed to become a lifelong fan of Lee Marshall. To honor him, I will hold a Raw party every Monday that will include, me, my dog, and occasional drop-ins from my wife. It's going to be off the chain.

But seriously, Lee Marshall, you're the man.