It Feels Good To Be An Idiot

I'm not a big fan of thinking. If I'm not doing anything, I get anxious, and I can get into my own head with simply overthinking everything in my life. I basically need to be constantly doing something for happiness. Although I prefer to be active physically, something as simple of a process as reading and writing is enough. If my brain is working, that's good, if it's thinking, that's bad.

I think that is why training in mixed martial arts has been such a good feeling for me. It's a sport based on action and reaction, and if you're thinking, you're probably losing. It's a high to get to turn off my brain for 60-90 minutes and just get after it.

Although it is a controlled violence, training in jiu jitsu and MMA is still purposely inflicting pain on whoever you're going up against. In its simplest form, it is putting a person in enough pain for them to give up and concede defeat. That is kind of animalistic, but when training, I'm never trying to hurt anyone, but I am trying to put them in a whole mess of pain, and I expect them to want to do the same.

And logically, this is all very stupid. I'm not saying people who train for fun are stupid, but I am saying that the act of training for fun is an inherently stupid activity. It is dumb to go through pain When I am training, I am an idiot. As I let my instincts take over, my brain takes a back seat, and that's good. I laugh at stupid jokes and don't really worry about anything. Through it all, I can temporarily attain an almost childlike presence of mind.

And ultimately, a person can find peace in the constant transition between offense and defense of pain. Not thinking, and just doing, doing, doing until practice is over leaves me in a state of euphoria. Letting my mind become so slow and stupid is a super pleasant experience.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying, "Thinking sucks; be an idiot instead."

Tatanka Was The WWE Superstar Made For Kids

When Tatanka debuted, he was my jam. I loved Tatanka. Like, he may have been my favorite wrestler when he first came on the scene. That statement sounds insane, but looking back on that era, it really is not surprising at all. It was right around the steroid scandal, so Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior weren't around. Macho Man was more of an announcer than a wrestler, but even then, Macho Man appealed to adults more than he ever appealed to kids. Although I thought Sting was cool, I was a WWE kid, so my other options for a favorite wrestler included Lex Luger, Bret Hart, and...I don't know, Doink, I guess?

So I was a huge mark for Tatanka. He was honestly built to be a child's favorite superstar. He had some face paint, what I thought was a cool haircut, a super annoying scream that was incredibly fun to yell as a child (I'm positive that I did it thousands of times, and if I brought it up with my siblings or parents, they would likely respond with a groan), and most importantly, he psyched up when he was getting beat down. The psych up was the greatest thing from wrestling's past, because now wrestling crowds are too cynical for it to work, but seriously, there is nothing that appeals to a child more than reaching that level of invincibility.

On top of all of that, it took forever for Tatanka to lose a match. It was really easy to love Tatanka. Tatanka was a great gimmick, as it gave a kid like me everything I wanted in a pro wrestler. Looking back, he was not as great as I remember. He left a lot to be desired in the ring and never truly impressed outside of the ring either. But that's me looking at him as an adult. As a child, I can totally see why I loved the guy. It's a guy like Tatanka that makes me look back fondly at simpler times when I could just enjoy the most basic aspects of sports entertainment. So Tatanka, this one's for you...

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE YE YE YE YE YE YE YE!

The Bushwhackers Were Stupid Awesome

The Bushwhackers will be inducted to the WWE Hall of Fame this week, and that actually caused some controversy. Not that the WWE Hall of Fame makes any sense but teams like Demolition or The Hart Foundation may have deserved to be inducted first. Those people said The Bushwhackers were stupid, and they were right. The Bushwhackers were stupid...stupid awesome.

The Bushwhackers may have never won the Tag Titles, but they never needed them. They weren't there to fight and prove they were the best, they were just accidentally good at getting in fights with other wrestlers. It didn't matter if they won or lost, because you were never sure if they even knew the rules.

Their finishing move was a battering ram where they used the head of their teammate as a battering ram to the gut of their opponents. The battering ram is literally the worst finisher in the history of pro wrestling, but it's still awesome. But The Bushwhackers weren't designed to make sense, so that their heads were so hard that they could absorb any punishment and knock the wind out of their opponent makes enough sense to an 8-year-old to be cool.

And that is why we are here. I loved The Bushwhackers. I would be disgusted by them as an adult, but as a kid, there was no tag team I loved more. Butch once licked my head. Is it the greatest moment of my life? I mean, yeah, getting married was cool, but any asshole can get married. Very few can get licked by a Bushwhacker.

Lee Marshall: The Nicest Guy In Pro Wrestling

During my childhood, I met a few wrestlers over the years, and every time, I got punked out. When I met Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly, DDP withheld my autograph to ask me, "What's the magic word?" Since I had just waited in a line for two hours, I mumbled a bunch of words until he notified me that the magic words were thank you. Thanks for the pop quiz, asshole.

Before that, it was Jake "The Snake" Roberts. About three people in front of me, he asked a kid his name so he could make out an autograph to him. When I got up there, I proudly stated my name, "Joey" (I had not matured into the man that has become Hott Joe at that point), and I will paraphrase here, but he responded with something like, "Well, Joey, we're doing a little something called speed signing, so if you want your name on it, you can sign it yourself." Needless to say, I sometimes wish that DDP Yoga had the reverse effect on people's lives.

This brings me to Lee Marshall. Lee Marshall is an obscure reference, even for avid wrestling fans. He was most famous for being the king of Nitro parties, which were a thing back in the 90s. But one year, the Great American Bash came near my hometown, and I got seats near the announcing table. Lee Marshall was walking by, and I yelled, "Lee Marshall, you're the man" (I know, you're impressed with how creative I was to come up with that one on the fly), and instead of being a dick like DDP and Jake, he responded, "No, no, no, you're the man." That's all I needed to become a lifelong fan of Lee Marshall. To honor him, I will hold a Raw party every Monday that will include, me, my dog, and occasional drop-ins from my wife. It's going to be off the chain.

But seriously, Lee Marshall, you're the man.